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How would you describe Katie Holmes? Attractive? Wholesome? Trapped in a loveless marriage to a man who controls her every action, safe in the knowledge that aliens told him to do it because he’s the chosen one?
No?
How about ‘Pumpkin slut’? Go on, say it out loud. It has a lovely ring to it and rolls off the tongue nicely. Slutty pumpkin! Tarty lantern! Halloween hussy! That’s right kids, the witching hour is near and Holmes is going to get all promiscuous.
Hey! Katie Holmes is married to slab of prime thetan, Tom Cruise. As you know, they’re both Scientologists, which makes them certifiably mad. Don’t argue. This is just a fact that’s as plain as the nose on your weird alien-believing face.
Of course, mad people have a myriad of odd symptoms and behavioural patterns. One such thing is to marry a man half your height.
Another is being afraid of an absence of light. That’s right! Katie Holmes is scared of the dark and probably screams in terror every time she blinks. That’s because she’s mental. We pointed that out already didn’t we?
We’re not ashamed to admit we quite like Rob Lowe. We’ve forgiven him all that St. Elmo’s Fire pretty-boy nonsense now that he’s starting to look agreeably rumpled, he was good at striding down corridors and talking quickly on the West Wing and we’re impressed with his surprisingly good comic timing.
And be honest with yourselves – if you had the opportunity to simultaneously have sex with two members of the opposite gender, you’d make bloody sure you video-taped the event as well.
Although probably best to make sure they’re both of legal age and not let the tape get leaked to the press or anything. But do you know what we really like about him? He chinned Tom Cruise!
Hugh ‘It’s All About The Twiglets’ Grant is, and take this with a whole lake of salt, apparently being touted as a replacement for Charlie Sheen in the abjectly awful and heavingly unfunny Two and a Half Men.
It would appear that the actor-turned-paparazzi snitch started to be courted around a month ago by CBS boss Les Moonves and President Nina Tassler, knowing that, for some reason, Americans just can’t get enough of posh Englishmen pratfalling and pulling worried faces constantly.
And, the good news for Grant is that, even if he stint only lasts for one season and he hates working on an American sitcom, he’ll be able to comfort himself with a cheque for $1 million. Per episode. Even more baffling is that Charlie Sheen was getting more than that per episode when he was on the show. With $1.25 million per show, it is hardly surprising he could buy suitcases filled with weapons grade cocaine when it took his fancy.
We’re sure that everyone involved in the making of the criminally awful and unremarkable Two and a Half Men aren’t remotely bitter about what’s happened with Charlie Sheen.
We’re also pretty certain that the fact they want to carry on the show without him was a tough, heartbreaking decision they didn’t come to lightly.
But most of all we’re completely convinced that by considering and offering the role to a better looking, more talented, less sweaty and most importantly MORE IMPRESSIVE CELEBRITY SHAGGER, namely Rob Lowe, will not irk Charlie Sheen to the point where his head literally blows up like that baddie in Big Trouble in Little China.
Ricky Gervais seems to be one of those people you either love or hate, or something inbetween.
As with any popular existence, he is subject to the normal animosity imposed by the group who are at present too cool to be a fan of a well-liked figure. Anyway, he’s got a DVD/Blu-Ray coming out of that Invention of Lying film he did, so to publicise it he gave a small number of interviews. One of them was with us, yay!
We also gave him the opportunity to plug lots of other things – see if you can spot them.
Now let’s be clear. Addiction is nothing to laugh at. Unless it’s sex addiction, because that’s sort of hilarious.
Oh come on, it is. Look at Tiger Woods. If he was addicted to heroin? Tragic. Drugs? Awful. Gambling? Upsetting. But he’s not. Tiger Woods is addicted to sex. He’s even gone to rehab for it. What sex rehab involves is anyone’s guess – we’d assume it’s a mixture of STD textbooks and pole dances from Lisa Riley from You’ve Been Framed – but sexaholism definitely is a real illness that exists. It is. You get it when you’re addicted to sexahol.
Don’t believe us? Fine – here are 10 horny-arsed celebrities who’d be only too happy to change your mind. Or hump your leg. One or the other…
It’s hard not to feel jealous of Ricky Gervais, since he seems to have Hollywood in the palm of his hand. Not content with appearing in any old cinematic guff swimming out our shores, one cheeky snaggletooth smile and he is whisked away to star in… well, any old guff swimming out of the US.
Alas, the man from sunny Reading has managed to attract a whole host of star-wattage toward his latest project – The Invention of Lying. Taking on co-writing and co-directing duties, not to mention starring in the film, you may think that this film is just a rehash of 90’s Jim Carrey vehicle Liar Liar.
