Ringo Starr - HecklerSpray

Paul McCartney Almost Died, The Olympics Might’ve Been Better

November 12th, 2012 By Chris Starr

You know when somehow people suppress information for months and months because they know that it’d send the nation into a mad panic if it was reported at the time? Like how people never knew how close Britain came to losing the world wars, or how close terrorists come to blowing us up. Well we have old news for you!

Paul McCartney almost died. That’s right. The loveable, fake-haired moptop singer of the Beatles (the only one still living that’s not called Ringo Starr, natch) could’ve been involved in a helicopter crash. Back in May.

The Beatles 1, People In Wheelchairs 0

March 30th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Do The Beatles hate people in wheelchairs? John Lennon was always ‘spazzing’ during the Fab Four’s shows in the 60s wasn’t he? Is there some kind of ablist agenda with the group? Surely not? Surely that can’t be right?

Executives at Apple Corps, which is the company set up by the assorted members of Mop Tops, have taken up a dispute with a load of wheelchairs.

And the wheelchairs didn’t stand a chance in the face of the might that is The Most Famous Band Who Ever Lived.

Ringo Starr Claims That Paul McCartney Remembers Who He Is

January 12th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Ringo Starr, quite possibly still going around warning everyone with ‘peace and love’, is opening and closing his mouth again, letting words tumble out and reminding everyone that he once provided the voice for Thomas The Tank Engine and friends.

He’s also nattering about his famous chum, Sir Paul McCartney.

Apparently, the 10th best drummer in The Beatles (after John Lennon, Sir Macca, George Harrison, George Martin, Billy Preston, Pete Best, Stuart Sutcliffe, Yoko Ono, Astrid Kirchherr and that arhythmic dripping tap in studio 2 of Abbey Road) is still in close contact with the only useful living member of the Fab Four.

Ringo Starr Hates Paul McCartney And Says He’s The Only Remaining Beatle

May 24th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Since John and George died, there’s been something of a tussle over who can be the funniest remaining Beatle. Paul McCartney is just too wacky to be properly funny, so that means, by default, Ringo gets the crown, right?

Well, sadly for Ringo, he seems to be suffering from an onset on dementia.

Of course, our Ring’ became something of a laughing stock when he warned us all with ‘peace and love’ not to send him any more gifts (how can anyone top those paintings Marge Simpson did of him?). Then he went and vaguely slagged off Liverpool. He’s priceless isn’t he? Well, now he’s slagging Paul McCartney off. Next, we assume he’ll be pissing on Lennon’s grave.

Who Cares That Ringo Starr’s House Is Being Demolished? He Hates Liverpool Anyway

March 25th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Ah! Ringo Starr! Currently the fourth most intelligent Beatle. Yes. We realise two of them are dead. Even the ghost of Lennon wouldn’t be so daft as to warn people with peace and love about sending him shit to the afterlife.

Yet this isn’t a bad thing. It’s because Ringo Starr is so insultingly stupid that he’s so great. In The Beatles Anthology series, all the best one-liners were his. He swore like nobody’s business and showed off a variety of spectacularly dismal waistcoats and mullets. What a guy!

However, we would like to see his house knocked down please because he’s an ungrateful swine.

Top 10 Reasons Why 2010 Will Be Crap

December 23rd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It's 2010! The start of a brand new year, a time when everything ahead of you is ripe with possibility. How wonderful.

Except it won't be. We hate to break this to you, but 2010 is going to be crap. Just like 2009 was crap, just like 2008 was crap, just like every stinking year since the stupid year that you weren't asked to be born was crap.

Why are we so certain that 2010 will be a great big stinking turd of galactic proportions? Glad you asked – we've assembled the ten most dreadful, unavoidable handfuls of crap that’ll be flung at you before the year is out. Don't say we didn't warn you…

Hecklerspray at E3: Rock Band: The Beatles

August 5th, 2012 By David Schwartz

Fancy playing the drums as badly as Ringo Starr?

Well, now you can, thanks to a new video game which allows you to sing, strum and drum along to your favourite Beatles tracks ? and Octopus?s Garden.

The Beatles: Rock Band was officially launched by Sir Paul McCartney and Starr at the start of E3 in Los Angeles and will be released in September.

They were even joined by Yoko Ono and Olivia Harrison, the wives of the dead half of the Fab Four, John Lennon and George Harrison.

The Beatles Reunite! Minus Two Members!

April 6th, 2009 By Matthew Laidlow

There's nothing more we love then seeing a band reunite so they can relive former glories.

Of course, it would be cynical of us to see it as a money making money opportunity, but what do we know? Perhaps in fifty years time, the current writing staff of hecklerspray will get together in a grotty boozer to relive the past.

Plenty of bands such as Led Zeppelin, Take That and – despite no one wanting them – Crowded House have reformed for gigs and spanking new material. Now one of the world's finest bands have come back together, just minus a couple of key band members.

Hey Everyone, Ringo Starr’s Sorry For Being An Idiot

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

As we all know, Ringo Starr has too much to do these days to justify pointless crap like being nice to his own fans.

However, some crazy old idiots got upset at Ringo Starr’s recent request for his fans to stop sending him stuff, so he’s decided to clarify his confusing little outburst. You see, Ringo Starr only wants you to stop sending him stuff because it hurts the environment and objects he signs only end up being hawked on eBay anyway.

Ringo’s quick decision to clear up the mess he made should be applauded – now we know that he doesn’t hate his fans, just the fans who like buying his autographs on the internet. And now we can also be sure that it really was Ringo Starr in that video earlier this week, rather than the melted underpowered robot of a kestrel in sunglasses that we assumed we were watching.

Ringo Starr To Fans: Quit Your Stupid Autograph Begging. Also, Don’t Write Me. (With Video)

March 24th, 2009 By Shawn Lindseth

Ringo Starr feels the music. It flows through him like water over the Canadian side of the jagged Niagara Falls. Also it flows through him just like it did through that kid in August Rush.

Ringo is a translator, reaching up into the heavens, jotting what he finds there for all of humanity to hear. His mind is a seed from which entire musical forests spring forth. He possibly has the most vital job that has ever been.

That’s why it’s essential that everyone finally leave him alone once and for all, and for Pete’s sake stop sending him stamped envelopes pleading for things like autographs and 40-year-old rusty Beatles memorabilia. He’s far too busy to respond, he’s fed up.

He’s basically said as much on a new video his website is hosting. No really, he has.