This Father’s Day, why not give your dad the greatest gift of all? By which we clearly mean a Rihanna sex tape.

A clip of something claiming to be a Rihanna sex tape has just found its way onto the internet, with the promise that more will be available to view from Monday. Unless the whole thing’s a fake. Which it might be.

Anyway, our point is that nothing says ‘I love you dad’ more than a sexually graphic video potentially starring a naked pop star who, quite soon after filming, will be beaten within an inch of her life.

Things have been a little bit quiet on the old celebrity sex tape front for a while, haven’t they? There’s a theory that this down to celebrities realising that the best way to protect themselves from online sex tape leaks is to not make sex tapes in the first place, but we disagree. We believe that the celebrity sex tape industry has dried up because there isn’t a celebrity on the face of the Earth who could come close to matching the horrific majesty of the Gene Simmons sex tape.

However, it looks like one plucky challenger might have taken the bait in the shape of Rihanna. Although we’ve seen much, much more of Rihanna that we’ve ever wanted to this year – those naked Rihanna photos showed us what her breasts look like, while her post-beating police report photo showed us what Rihanna’s face looks like with some of the skin torn off – it looks like Rihanna isn’t done showing us bits of herself yet.

That’s right – the much-rumoured Chris Brown/ Rihanna sex tape looks like it’s finally here. And, if it isn’t, then at least a very short video of a woman who looks a tiny bit like Rihanna if you squint a bit is finally here. And isn’t that really the same thing, deep down? Here’s what Hollyscoop has to say on the matter:

The clip below is only a preview, but the caption says that more of the video will be released on June 22nd, which happens to be the same day as Rihanna and Chris Brown’s court hearing. Coincidence?

Now, true, the leaked Rihanna sex tape could be available in full on the day of Rihanna and Chris Brown’s court hearing because somebody wants to damage the credibility of Rihanna’s testimony. But the clip also directs us towards a website which, rather than being anything remotely porny, is actually a MySpace Page featuring possibly the worst music we’ve ever heard in our entire lives, from a man who happens to have an album out on the same day. Coincidence?

And also, while the woman in the sex tape clip does look a little bit like Rihanna, she doesn’t appear to have any of Rihanna’s tattoos. And, rather than pulling one of the stylishly aloof faces that we’ve come to expect from Rihanna, the look of the woman in the leaked clip seems to be saying “Can we hurry this along, please? I’ve got to fit in a FFM piss-orgy AND a private bukkake do by teatime. Also, who should I invoice for this?”.

On the other hand the clip’s quite short, which suggests that it’s the only part of the Rihanna sex tape where you can’t see Chris Brown lumbering up against her like some sort of disgusting horny walrus, which would clearly be quite off-putting to potential viewers.

So maybe the Rihanna sex tape is real, but we won’t count our chickens just yet. Still, at least we’ve always got good old Gene Simmons to keep us ticking over in the meantime, eh?

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Upset when Octomom turned down her porno because you can only get off by watching horrifying things?

Then this is your lucky day! Apparently the one thing worse than seeing a tape of a new mother having sex with eight men for cash – a tape of Rihanna and Chris Brown having sex with each other – actually exists and could be put onto the internet at any point.

Appalling, sure, but at the least the Rihanna sex tape might show us what Rihanna can see in Chris Brown, because it can’t be his manners. Or his voice. Or his stupid face.

There’s always a moment after you split up with someone when you’re vulnerable. Will your ex tell everyone about your chronic flatulence? Publicly bemoan your depraved and unexplainable fixation with 35-year-old Columbo TV movies? Or will they just upload all the bizarre, kinky role-play sex tapes you’ve made together onto the internet for everyone to see?

This is apparently the predicament that Rihanna currently finds herself in. Not about the Columbo thing, obviously – she’s not that sick – but the sex tape thing. According to a bunch of hopefully-fabricated reports, Rihanna is worried that, now she’s split up with Chris Brown, he’s going to make all the sex tapes they recorded together available to the public.

Which, you know, would be weird because it’s perfectly obvious that Rihanna and Chris Brown will get back together the instant this fuss about his arrest blows over. But, hey, fingers crossed that the Rihanna sex tape exists – after all, there’s nothing sexier than watching two beautiful young people performing a physical expression of their love in a seedy, borderline-disturbing manner that’s a direct precursor to the moment when he allegedly lost her temper and punched her in the face until her mouth filled up with blood, is there? The Sun reports:

US publication Star Magazine is now claiming that the stunning R&B star fears her estranged boyfriend Chris Brown could release a steamy home video the couple allegedly made together. A source said: “They’ve had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them… They both have very kinky sides.” It’s also claimed that Rihanna enjoys role-playing and dressing up as a dominatrix.

Role-playing. Of course the Rihanna sex tape has got role-playing in it. It’s just a question of what roles Rihanna and Chris Brown were playing in it. We don’t even know if the sex tape is real, but if it is we’d put money on one of these three role-playing fantasies taking place in it:

1 – The schoolgirl/ strict teacher fantasy.

2 - The Ali/ Frazier fantasy.

3 - The Cloverfield monster/ city of New York fantasy.

Anyway, if the Rihanna sex tape does exist, it’s not the end of the world. After all, surely most people would find it less grubbily opportunistic, unsettling and downright degrading than that duet Rihanna and Chris Brown apparently recorded together the other week.

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