Right, that’s it. That’s the last time we buy any albums by Unspecified Dance Routine Or Costume Change.

We’re sick of this. First Chris Brown hurts Rihanna, and now Unspecified Dance Routine Or Costume Change has injured Rihanna so badly that she needed to be briefly hospitalised. You know the score, Unspecified Dance Routine Or Costume Change – you need to make a YouTube video of yourself declaring that you’re not a monster, fulfil your community service obligations and appear on Larry King in a stupid bowtie, and even then we’re not going to allow you to be very famous again.

What’s that? Unspecified Dance Routine Or Costume Change isn’t a person? Rihanna just hurt her rib slightly during an unspecified dance routine or costume change at a recent concert in Zurich? Oh. What a humiliating – yet somehow quite plausible – misunderstanding.