Rihanna’s ready to move on with her life and release that cheery ditty about shooting herself in the chest.

But she can’t. There’s unfinished business left. Before people can accept her as a singer again, they want Rihanna to answer a few questions about Chris Brown. Sadly, though, those question aren’t ‘What’s up with his teeth?’ or ‘Doesn’t he realise that he looks like a dickhead in that bowtie?’ – they’re more about domestic violence.

And Rihanna says it could happen to anyone. Well, anyone who ever goes near Chris Brown because he’s such a monumental titstick, at least. We think that was her point.

It’s now been nine months since Chris Brown punched, bit and choked Rihanna in a fit of violent anger on the way to the Grammys, and so far Rihanna has managed to keep a dignified silence about it all. She may have hinted at her ordeal in her depressing new single, but she hasn’t used the incident to carve out a sideline in confused televised appearances like Chris Brown has. And she definitely hasn’t started posted lovelorn YouTube montages of them both together on Twitter like Chris Brown has. So it’s fair to say that she’s got the upper hand.

But Rihanna’s side of the story had to come out at some point. But, rather than choose to make a What’s Love Got To Do With It-style biopic about what a gigantic twathandle Chris Brown is – which, admit it, is what you would have done – she’s chosen to do a little interview with Diane Sawyer instead. And it’s fair to say that the interview is epic in its scale and breadth and unfathomable emotional complexity. Here it is, in its entirety:

“This happened to me. … It can happen to anyone… He was definitely my first big love.”

Oh, alright – that’s the only part of the interview that anyone’s been allowed to see. The rest is set to be broadcast on Thursday and Friday. And until then, Rihanna’s 16-word excerpt will remain infuriatingly context-free. We’re hoping that by saying “It can happen to anyone,” Rihanna was just generally drawing attention to the widespread problem of violence against women rather than specifically referring to the details of her own incident.

Because, you know, the chances of us accidentally catching a glimpse of one of Chris Brown’s text messages in a rented Lamborghini on the way to the world’s biggest music awards show where we were due to perform a duet together – causing him to subsequently lose his temper and choke us unconscious – is probably quite low if we’re being honest.

But we get the drift. And we really have to salute her bravery for doing the interview in the first place. After all, no matter the circumstances or emotional wounds, no woman should ever feel afraid to come forward and openly reveal what a towering goonstack Chris Brown actually is. Well done, Rihanna.

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Upset when Octomom turned down her porno because you can only get off by watching horrifying things?

Then this is your lucky day! Apparently the one thing worse than seeing a tape of a new mother having sex with eight men for cash – a tape of Rihanna and Chris Brown having sex with each other – actually exists and could be put onto the internet at any point.

Appalling, sure, but at the least the Rihanna sex tape might show us what Rihanna can see in Chris Brown, because it can’t be his manners. Or his voice. Or his stupid face.

There’s always a moment after you split up with someone when you’re vulnerable. Will your ex tell everyone about your chronic flatulence? Publicly bemoan your depraved and unexplainable fixation with 35-year-old Columbo TV movies? Or will they just upload all the bizarre, kinky role-play sex tapes you’ve made together onto the internet for everyone to see?

This is apparently the predicament that Rihanna currently finds herself in. Not about the Columbo thing, obviously – she’s not that sick – but the sex tape thing. According to a bunch of hopefully-fabricated reports, Rihanna is worried that, now she’s split up with Chris Brown, he’s going to make all the sex tapes they recorded together available to the public.

Which, you know, would be weird because it’s perfectly obvious that Rihanna and Chris Brown will get back together the instant this fuss about his arrest blows over. But, hey, fingers crossed that the Rihanna sex tape exists – after all, there’s nothing sexier than watching two beautiful young people performing a physical expression of their love in a seedy, borderline-disturbing manner that’s a direct precursor to the moment when he allegedly lost her temper and punched her in the face until her mouth filled up with blood, is there? The Sun reports:

US publication Star Magazine is now claiming that the stunning R&B star fears her estranged boyfriend Chris Brown could release a steamy home video the couple allegedly made together. A source said: “They’ve had tons of crazy nights in bed, and Chris has recorded many of them… They both have very kinky sides.” It’s also claimed that Rihanna enjoys role-playing and dressing up as a dominatrix.

Role-playing. Of course the Rihanna sex tape has got role-playing in it. It’s just a question of what roles Rihanna and Chris Brown were playing in it. We don’t even know if the sex tape is real, but if it is we’d put money on one of these three role-playing fantasies taking place in it:

1 – The schoolgirl/ strict teacher fantasy.

2 - The Ali/ Frazier fantasy.

3 - The Cloverfield monster/ city of New York fantasy.

Anyway, if the Rihanna sex tape does exist, it’s not the end of the world. After all, surely most people would find it less grubbily opportunistic, unsettling and downright degrading than that duet Rihanna and Chris Brown apparently recorded together the other week.

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