Say what you will about Chris Brown, but nobody looks so adorable when they’re allegedly punching your face.

That’s why Rihanna is a fool. If reports are to be believed then Rihanna has decided to ‘take a break’ from Chris Brown, either because she’s embarrassed by the negative public reaction she’s currently getting, or because he allegedly choked her unconscious and threatened to kill her less than two months ago.

But Rihanna’s loss could be your gain – if you can throw carkeys through windows and absorb several blows with your face and skull, Chris Brown is waiting for your call.

Suddenly becoming single can take some getting used to. You find yourself missing the long conversations, the night time companionship and the feeling of mutual dependency. Also, sometimes you wake up in the night thrashing around with your fists while screaming “I’ll kill you, you bitch, I’ll kill you!” And, you know, it just doesn’t feel the same if there’s a pillow on the receiving end instead of a bestselling R&B popstress.

That’s possibly the situation that Chris Brown finds himself in at the moment, because Rihanna has reportedly dumped him. No official reasons have been given yet – although we’re willing wager that it’s either because he’s been charged with beating her to a pulp or because sometimes he drinks all the milk and then puts the empty carton back into the fridge afterwards.

And anyway, as the Daily Mail reports, it’s not like Rihanna is splitting up with Chris Brown forever:

Rihanna and Chris Brown are reportedly ‘taking a break’ from their relationship, sources have revealed. The pop star is currently in New York while Chris remains in Los Angeles following the fall-out of their allegedly violent argument last month. The couple are not however calling it a formal split as they are said to be planning to get together soon despite his domestic battery charges.

If this is just a cynical time-biding split to try and reverse the wave of negative opinion that hit her when she got back together with Chris Brown, then Rihanna is playing a dangerous game. Not simply because the whole thing is so transparent that not even Chris Brown’s most staggering illiterate teenage fan will fall for it, but because she runs the risk of letting Chris Brown slip her grasp.

Remember that Chris Brown has a booty call any time he wants it. Unless, you know, it’s after 6pm. Or if the bingo’s on. Or if she’s getting ready for a nice soak in her walk-in bath with a large-print book of Sudoku and an EZ-Grip rheumatoid arthritis pen. Essentially we’re trying to say that Chris Brown’s booty call is really old. You probably got that already.

Still, on the plus side, anyone wanting to go out with Rihanna now is in for an easy ride – her ex-boyfriend’s been charged with threatening to kill her, so you could probably belch and pick your arse and make her pay for dinner and she’d still probably think you were a gentleman. Silver linings, eh?

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