Eventually this moronic Rihanna and Chris Brown twaddle is going to make a brilliant made-for-TV movie.

And now it’s got its soundtrack. Well, the musical part of the soundtrack, anyway – we hear that all of the audio effects will be attained by smashing a cauliflower with a pneumatic drill and recording a hall full of weeping children. But this is a tangent.

Apparently the duet that Rihanna and Chris Brown have recorded involves “growing stronger in a relationship”. For Chris Brown, that means growing stronger emotionally. While for Rihanna it presumably means investing in body armour and some bear mace.