So Chris Brown says he isn’t a monster. But we’ve only got his word on that.

Well, his word and the word of his ridiculous “Beleey dat!” sidekick, who almost certainly doesn’t count. But does Rihanna think Chris Brown is a monster? She’s kept a dignified silence since his arrest for allegedly beating her up. Well, it’s either a dignified silence or she’s lost the ability to talk because Chris Brown crushed her windpipe when he tried to choke her unconscious. Who knows?

Anyway, Rihanna’s silence is about to be broken – she’s going to testify against Chris Brown in court.

Being the victim of an alleged fist-attack by Chris Brown has royally buggered up Rihanna’s life. Whatever she does for the rest of her career, reportedly getting her face punched in by a rodenty-looking R&B singer is going to be the thing that she’s remembered for. She’s peaked.

Rihanna’s even peaked in terms of sexiness. She’s tried to be sexy by dancing around in a nightie in the new Kanye West video, but that’s hardly any good – in the aftermath of Chris Brown’s arrest a bunch of naked Rihanna photos hit the internet, and how can you out-sexy a naked photo? You can’t, not unless you physically turn yourself inside out at the vagina and then play I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd on a xylophone made of dildos. And that’s not even very sexy.

With all of this in mind, there’s a very good chance that Rihanna is feeling a little raw at the moment. She wants revenge, and it looks like she’s going to get it. And, thankfully for the entire population of the world, she’s not going to get it by releasing a dreary album full of bitter I Will Survive-style howls about personal empowerment. No, instead Rihanna is going to court to give Chris Brown what-for in person. AP reports:

Donald Etra says prosecutors have told him Rihanna will receive a subpoena to testify at a preliminary hearing June 22. The hearing will focus on whether there is enough evidence to continue the case against Brown. Etra said Rihanna will comply with the order. It would mark her first appearance in court since felony assault and criminal threats charges were filed against Brown in March.

Apparently in court Rihanna will be cross-examined by Chris Brown’s lawyer Mark Geragos who, depending on whether he’s been recruited from the internet or not, might well put it to Rihanna that Chris Brown didn’t beat her up and even if he did she deserved it because she sings in an odd way and is a skank and looks like she’s got a quite dirty bum. Let’s hope he doesn’t, because it’s actually perfectly legal to beat someone up if they sing in an odd way and are a skank and look like they’ve got a quite dirty bum. It’s in the bible.

But let’s save this speculation for June 22 – gosh, we’ve never been so excited about the prospect of becoming suicidally depressed by endless descriptions of graphic real-life man-on-woman violence!

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Relax everyone, the panic’s over – apparently Chris Brown didn’t bludgeon Rihanna with his fists like everyone thought.

He didn’t. And we’ve got this from an entirely reliable source, too – Chris Brown. And if Chris Brown pleaded not guilty in court – which he did yesterday – then he’s not guilty. We weren’t there that night – so the only people who know if Chris Brown attacked Rihanna are Chris Brown and Rihanna.

And since Rihanna was too busy panicking about all the blood sloshing around in her mouth or being unconscious or whatever, we only have Chris Brown’s word to go on.

Chris Brown’s life is filled with a variety of regrets – regrets that he accidentally ticked ‘pop star’ box on his career’s day application form instead of ‘beaver’ which he’d obviously have a greater natural aptitude for, regrets that he practises dancing by stumbling around barefoot on discarded Lego bricks much to the obvious dismay of his chiropractor, regrets that he possibly once slept with a woman old enough to be his distant ancestor – but getting arrested for attacking Rihanna in February isn’t one of them.

And that’s because Chris Brown definitely didn’t attack Rihanna. He didn’t. That’s why we’ve seen him gleefully lark around on jetskis, it’s why the female basketball team he was photographed with last week weren’t all screaming for help and it’s why yesterday in court Chris Brown pleaded not guilty to the charges of felony assault and criminal threats that could land him a five-year jail sentence. The LA Times reports:

Nearly two months after police found his girlfriend, the pop star Rihanna, bloodied and bruised on a Hancock Park street, Brown appeared in Los County Superior Court and pleaded not guilty to charges of felony assault and criminal threats. The 19-year-old spoke in a voice so low that many of the three dozen journalists who had waited an hour for the hearing to begin were unsure if he had even answered Judge Patricia Schnegg’s inquiry.

So that’s that. Chris Brown definitely didn’t hit Rihanna or choke her unconscious or threaten to kill her or any of that. Unless, you know, this not guilty plea was a stalling tactic so that Chris Brown’s lawyers can continue thrashing out a plea deal with prosecutors that’ll see him get a reduced sentence in return for a guilty plea for a lesser charge. Which is almost definitely what’s happening.

But if it’s not, then Chris Brown will go to trial, and Rihanna is expected to testify against him. This is a worst-case scenario, obviously – for a pop star on the outs like Chris Brown the legal fees alone in a trial of this size might be enough to finish him off for good.

And that’s why we have a proposition for Chris Brown – dump your lawyers. As we’ve seen in the comment section of hecklerspray, there are thousands of fans still waiting to come to your defence, and between them we’re sure they could come up with a watertight way to prove your innocence.

That’s unless ‘Rihanna is a skank bitch and she looks funny and she got a funny voice and she deserved it and she gave Chris Brown loads of STDs that’s why he hit her the skank’ doesn’t count as a reasoned legal defence. In which case, Chris Brown is effed.

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If we were Chris Brown, we’d have locked ourselves in a dark room far away from everyone long, long ago.

That’s because we’d be embarrassed by our stupid teeth. Oh, and also because we’d be under the spotlight for allegedly beating Rihanna to a pulp, so anything we did in public would look like the worst kind of insensitive gloating.

Perhaps someone should tell Chris Brown, – he’s been photographed playing basketball with a group of college girls. Worse – he did it with a funny look on his face. Unless it was just his normal face. Chris Brown’s face is weird.

The aftermath of a domestic assault – alleged or otherwise – can have profound effects on both parties. The abused woman will feel ashamed, humiliated, unable to trust, plus she’ll start to feel all kinds of inappropriate feelings for rubbishy reality TV also-rans, which is sort of icky to think about.

But it’s just as bad for the man accused of domestic violence, who will not only be vilified by the public, but will also have to embark on an epic voyage on introspection to discover the root of his aggressive hatred towards women. Unless, of course, he’s Chris Brown. Because if he’s Chris Brown he’ll immediately run away to record a funky album, merrily lark about on a jetski without a care in the world and then go and play basketball with a bunch of teenage girls in teeny little vests.

That’s right – Chris Brown has been photographed posing with the entire female basketball team from Virginia’s University of Mary Washington. And you know what? He didn’t even choke one of them unconscious! HE’S SAVED! Allegedly! MTV reports:

In the photo, Brown is surrounded by smiling team members while he poses with his arms crossed and his head tilted back. The site also has a video of Brown… [that] seems to have been shot by two students at the school, who describe seeing the celeb at the school as “bizarre.” When one girl asked the other what she thinks of him being there, her response is, “He’s really skinny.”

We can’t decide how we feel about Chris Brown playing basketball with a gang of female university students like this. On one hand, as Usher pointed out a few weeks ago, it’d be nice if Chris Brown could show a little bit of remorse in public. Then again, the female basketball team should be pretty safe from his advances – after all, they are only teenagers so they’d probably only be desirable to Chris Brown if they somehow managed to combine all their ages to become one ridiculously old woman.

And besides, if Chris Brown does end up going to jail, then shouldn’t he be allowed just one game of basketball that doesn’t end with him being brutally raped up the bum by a gang of seven-foot murderers? Shouldn’t he?

What’s that? You stopped caring about Chris Brown and Rihanna about 30 seconds after you first heard the news about them two months ago? Oh, fair enough.

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These are tough times for Rihanna – now that she’s dumped Chris Brown, there’s nobody left to punch her in the face.

But help may be at hand. Apparently Rihanna has been linked to Frankie Delgado from The Hills. It’s weird – Frankie doesn’t have a violent temper, a girl’s voice or ridiculous dentistry, so he’s definitely not Rihanna’s type.

Not that it matters, anyway, because Frankie Delgado has denied any romantic involvement with Rihanna. She’s probably holding out for Spencer Pratt – after all, going out with turds seems to be her thing, so she may as well shoot for the moon.

Things have gone a little quiet on the whole Rihanna/ Chris Brown front lately, haven’t they? It’s almost as if a one-time bout of fisticuffs between two people we honestly don’t care about can’t sustain two full months of daily news. Rubbish.

Rihanna certainly seems to be doing a pretty good job of moving on from it all; now that she’s reportedly split up with Chris Brown – for some reason – it’s time for her to broaden her romantic horizons. And since the only things she presumably wants in a man is someone who a) doesn’t have a face like a rodent with a motor skills deficiency trying to chew a toffee and b) doesn’t keep trying to choke her unconscious all the bloody time, Rihanna pretty much has the run of most men on the planet.

And the man that Rihanna has come closest to settling on at the moment is Frankie Delgado from The Hills. Frankie Delgado is probably most famous for being the most pointless member of The Hills cast, which is pretty sterling work considering that the show is also the home of Heidi Montag, Brody Jenner and someone called Brent Bolthouse who, despite his name, isn’t even a gay porn star.

Or at least that’s what Frankie Delgado was most famous for. Now he’s most famous for either being the man who’s offered Rihanna a potentially romantic shoulder to cry on or the man who’ll one day wake up to find Chris Brown angrily grawing through one of his shins as a violent act of toothy retribution. It doesn’t matter which one.

Not that Frankie Delgado is having any of this Rihanna nonsense anyway, as MTV reports:

At the grand opening of Wet Republic, the pool party at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Delgado reportedly told the site that the two are “just friends.” Delgado said he thinks the chatter got started because “she’s been out, hanging out, I guess. It’s Hollywood, people talk a lot.” Asked how Rihanna is doing, Delgado said only, “She’s good.”

Although it’d be nice to say that Rihanna had managed to get on with her life in the wake of what must have been one of the most painful and humiliating moments in her life, it looks like ‘just friends’ is as close as she’s going to get to Frankie Delgado.

Probably a good thing too, because Rihanna would probably only end up giving him an STD and infuriating him with his funny voice or something until he started sleeping around and beating her up in a manner that she’d completely deserve. See, the internet? We do listen to you after all.

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The alleged Chris Brown/ Rihanna fight started with a booty text – OK, a confusing hatred of women and a booty text.

But who sent it? Some said it was Kim Kardashian, who liked Chris Brown because her bottom is large and dense enough to absorb most violent attacks. Some said it was Paris Hilton, because her catchphrase of “That’s hot” could easily be adapted if Chris Brown decided to attack her with a poker.

But apparently the woman who sent Chris Brown the booty text that enraged Rihanna so much was his manager Tina Davis, who’s – what’s the word? - old.

Slowly but surely – but mainly slowly – the pieces of this alleged fight between Rihanna and Chris Brown are coming together. Sure, we’ll hear all about of it in epic detail when the Rihanna/ Chris Brown duet He Choked Me Unconscious (It Felt Like Spooning) is released, but until then we’ll have to make do with what we’ve got.

So far, as per a detective’s affidavit, we’ve been told that Rihanna and Chris Brown were driving around in a rented Lamborghini when Chris Brown got a text message apparently asking for sex from another woman. Rihanna reacted badly to this, leading to Chris Brown variously slamming her head against a car window, punching her in the head until her mouth filled with blood, biting her on her hand and ear, threatening to kill her and choking her to the point of unconsciousness.

But who sent Chris Brown the text message in the first place? A celebrity friend? No. An overzealous fan? No. A funny-looking woman twice Chris Brown’s age who takes a percentage of his earnings for a living and has previously had a sexual relationship with him? No. Wait. Yes. Wait. Possibly.

Reports are now claiming that Chris Brown’s 39-year-old manager Tina Davis was the culprit, a claim denied by Tina’s father on the basis that she’s a good girl and by the rest of the world on the basis that she’s old enough to be his poxy mother and the whole thing’s so wrong that it makes us want to go and soak our genitals in bleach for a year. The New York Daily News reports:

Davis, who turns 40 this month, sent Brown the notorious three-page text that “talked about hooking up later,” celebrity news site TMZ.com reported, citing unnamed sources. A police affidavit says only that the text came from “a woman who Brown had a previous sexual relationship with.” An industry source described the message as a “booty call.”

So maybe that’s why Chris Brown allegedly beat up Rihanna so violently. It wasn’t because he discovered the text, or because he was jealous of Rihanna’s success, or because he’s so insecure in his masculinity that he has to address differences with women by lashing out at them, or even – and this one’s for you, illiterate hecklerspray commenters – because Rihanna is a skanky-ass ho with hundreds of STDs and a funny voice.

No. Chris Brown allegedly beat up Rihanna because he knew that she’d look more like a very old lady if her face was covered in welts and bruises, and old ladies is what turns Chris Brown on the most.

Bingo. Case closed.

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Rihanna’s last album was called Good Girl Gone Bad. Here’s betting that her next one will be called Bad Girl Gone Stupid.

Because really. Rihanna getting back with Chris Brown after he allegedly beat her up was one thing, but now? Now it’s been reported that Rihanna and Chris Brown are currently in a recording studio together because – wait for it – they’re actually recording a duet.

We don’t know what the Rihanna/ Chris Brown duet will be called, but we hear it’ll be the lead single from the forthcoming compilation album Now That’s What I Call Spectacularly Misinformed Career Choices.

In the past, Rihanna has achieved her greatest successes by not listening to the advise of others. Like, for example, when she was recording the song Umbrella someone told Rihanna to just sing the word ‘umbrella’ once in a normal voice, so she decided to sing different bits of it eight times in a row in a stupid voice instead. And, lo, history was made.

But when it comes to Chris Brown’s alleged attack on her face, Rihanna seems to have taken her mistrust of advice to a berserk new extreme. By and large the general consensus from more or less everyone was that at worst Rihanna should leave Chris Brown and at best press charges against him until he was thrown in jail forever. So what did Rihanna do?

She got back together with him. And then she possibly married him. And now, just to make sure she really hits home about what an astonishing gonk she is, Rihanna is reportedly recording a duet with Chris Brown as well. E! Online reports:

The seemingly reconciled duo have been working on a duet that Brown is hoping to include on his new album, due out later this year, a studio source tells E! News. “They’ve been working on it together,” the insider says. We have also learned that award-winning record producer Polow Da Don, who has worked with Brown in the past, has been holed up with them at a Santa Monica recording studio for the last several days.

So far there aren’t any details about this new Rihanna/ Chris Brown duet, but we’d imagine that the backing track is made up purely of the groans and disappointed head-slaps of Rihanna’s friends and family when they discovered that it was actually real and not just an especially horrible rumour.

Either that or, you know, it’ll be driven by the sound of a human skull repeatedly being bounced off the inside of a car window. Who knows?

One thing’s for sure, though – this duet is bound to be a hit. No, that’s an unfortunate choice of word. It’ll be a smash. Oh, that’s not very appropriate either. It’ll threaten to kill the charts, punch it in the face until its mouth fills up with blood, choke it unconscious then run away in a fit of panicked guilt.

Yes. Yes that’s exactly the phrase we were after.

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You’re Rihanna, and you’ve just got back with your boyfriend after he apparently hit and threatened to kill you.

What happens next? Well, it’s obvious. You bash out a deal with him whereby you get £7 million if he ever does it again. That’s apparently the deal that Rihanna has struck with Chris Brown, if reports are to be believed. Personally we’d have stuck out for a ‘stop releasing your bad records’ clause, but it was Rihanna’s choice.

Incidentally, Rihanna plans to release her next single – entitled Hey Chris Brown, You’re A Pansy With A Minuscule Penis – in the summer.

You know what? We’ve been approaching this Rihanna/ Chris Brown story from completely the wrong reference point. All this time we’ve been comparing it to What’s Love Got To Do With It, the film where Ike Turner hits Tina Turner a bunch of times and then Tina Turner leaves Ike to forge a successful career singing songs about window condensation.

But that’s not the case at all – in fact the Rihanna/ Chris Brown saga is most like Indecent Proposal.

Sort of. A cross between Indecent Proposal and the torture scenes from Rambo 2, at least. You’ll remember that, despite being charged with committing a horribly violent act against her, Chris Brown and Rihanna recently got back together. But it’s been reported that, just to be sure of her safety, Rihanna has drawn up a contract whereby Chris Brown will have to pay her £7 million if he decides to flip out and go berserk on her face with his fists again. Metro reports:

A source from the R’n'B star’s management team is reported as saying that Brown will pay the hefty fine if he “as much as squeezes her arm the wrong way”. He will also appear on US chat shows with Rihanna, 21, to discuss anger counselling in an attempt to “turn a bad situation into something good”.

Gracious, Chris Brown is certainly being taught a hard lesson here. True, that lesson seems to be that he should quickly learn the right way to squeeze a woman’s arm – nice and high up so the bruises are harder to spot – but it’s a lesson nonetheless.

News of this supposed deal have also forced us to rethink Rihanna’s reaction to the incident. At first, like everyone else in the world, we assumed that Rihanna only took Chris Brown back because she was a phenomenal berk of heroic magnitude. But now? Now we can see the fiendish game she’s playing.

Because, face it, if you were a popstar and your allegedly abusive boyfriend had just promised to pay you £7 million if he was ever violent towards you again, what’s the first thing you’d do? That’s right, you’d paint a ruddy great target on your face, wouldn’t you? And then you’d sleep with his best friend. And then you’d write and release a song about what a stupid 14-year-old’s bumfluff moustache he’s got. And then you’d train yourself up to be brilliant at throwing car keys out of windows.

And then you’d book yourself a trip to the diamond-covered speedboat shop. That Rihanna, she’s a bloody genius.

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Chris Brown has tried all sorts – apologising, getting back with Rihanna, gleefully norking around on a jetski.

But it hasn’t worked. Yesterday Chris Brown was formally charged with two felonies regarding his alleged thumping of Rihanna – assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats – which could land him a jail sentence of up to five years.

What’s more, a detective’s affidavit has also been released, describing exactly what transpired that night. Oddly, it doesn’t seem to think that it was all Rihanna’s fault for having a funny voice. Jeez, don’t these policemen read the hecklerspray comment section?

Before yesterday, Chris Brown must have thought he was a in a pretty good position as far as his alleged attack on Rihanna went. Sure, he might know that all kinds of people – including a handful of sort-of celebrities – already think he’s guilty of smashing Rihanna’s face up beyond recognition, but that didn’t matter.

That’s because Chris Brown managed to twist his bumfluff moustache into such a contrite shape that Rihanna couldn’t help but instantly take him back, possibly get married to him and decide that she didn’t want to press charges against him any more. And, if that didn’t work, he’d just plead self-defence because Rihanna is a skanky ho with a funny voice and she probably deserved it. Or something.

But just because Rihanna didn’t, the District Attorney’s office did – and so yesterday Chris Brown turned up in court to be charged with the twin felonies of assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats. Chris Brown didn’t enter a plea in court and his arraignment was moved to this time next month, ensuring that we’ll all have at least another four weeks of hearing about this increasingly monotonous kerfuffle.

Much more interesting than that, though, was the detective’s affidavit from the night of the incident that describes what allegedly happened on the night of the alleged attack. And when we say ‘interesting’ we mean ‘grim and slightly depressing’. According to Newsday:

Brown pulled his car over and tried to push Rihanna out, but she was still wearing her seat belt, Los Angeles police Det. De Shon Andrews wrote. He said Brown pushed Rihanna’s head against the window, punched her with his right hand, and then continued driving while hitting her, the affidavit states. Brown told Rihanna: “I’m going to beat the shit out of you when we get home. You wait and see.”

Now that’s low. A punch from Chris Brown probably wouldn’t register much on the pain stakes, what with his arms being solely comprised of substandard pipecleaners and all, but a bite? Have you seen his teeth? We’re pretty much convinced that Chris Brown could gnaw through steel bars of he wanted to. Honestly, it’d be like being attacked by a great white shark. An effete great white shark who dances like a girl, admittedly, but it still counts.

The affidavit goes on to recount how Rihanna pretended to phone her assistent asking to call the police, at which point Chris Brown threatened to kill her, punched her until her mouth filled up with blood and then choked her to the edge of unconsciousness.

But, of course, you’ll hear about this if the case goes to trial. In horrible detail. Horrible, drawn-out detail. Horrible, drawn-out detail that you don’t think will ever end. So basically exactly like the last month, but more so.

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All girls have their dream wedding mapped out inside their heads, we’re told – and that even goes for Rihanna.

Rihanna is a traditionalist at heart. She wants what all girls want – to accept a damage-limiting, guilt-informed marriage proposal from a boy who was recently alleged to have punched her repeatedly in the face, choked her unconscious and ran away. It’s just like in that romantic fairy tale, Nil By Mouth.

That’s right, Rihanna and Chris Brown have apparently got married. Upon hearing this, seismologists put any recent earthquakes down to the reaction to the ‘if any person present’ part of their service.

Later today Chris Brown is due in an LA court to learn whether the District Attorney’s Office has decided to file a case over his alleged beating of Rihanna a month ago. If it happens we’ll have all the news about it tomorrow. And then, at this rate, until the very end of time itself.

But it’s by no means certain yet, because Rihanna is apparently unwilling to press charges against Chris Brown. And in news that’s completely, definitely, 100% utterly unconnected with this, Rihanna and Chris Brown have apparently just got married.

You read that correctly. If you gasped when you heard that Rihanna might be pregnant and felt giddy with disbelief when Rihanna took Chris Brown back, prepare yourself for a full-on crap-attack. According to Star magazine, Rihanna and Chris Brown have actually got married:

A source said: “They had a tearful face-to-face meeting at Diddy’s, during which an emotional Chris apologised, begged for forgiveness and proposed to her on the spot. “She was totally up front and confessed to him, ‘I can’t live without you.’… All she’s ever wanted was to be with him forever. Rihanna is looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns 25.”

And we hear that Chris Brown is equally committed to Rihanna’s husband-and-two-kids deal. So much so, in fact, that if she’s only got one kid by the time she’s 25, Chris Brown will do the decent thing and snap it in half with his fists for her. That’s romance for you.

We hear that Chris Brown and Rihanna’s wedding was lovely, too. Chris Brown wore a designer tuxedo and expensive Italian loafers, while Rihanna mainly wore bandages and a full-body plastercast. But the drip coming out of her arm set it off perfectly, according to fashion experts who attended the ceremony.

That’s if this supposed wedding between Rihanna and Chris Brown actually happened, of course – Star magazine isn’t exactly known for its steadfast reliability, and we’re having real trouble believing that an intelligent woman like Rihanna would fall for such a transparently opportunistic career-saving trick as this.

After all, Rihanna’s not an idiot. It’s not as if she stayed with an allegedly abusive boyfriend until he hospitalised her, and then instantly took him back the moment he showed the slightest flicker of remorse, is it?

Oh. Well congratulations, in that case. You make a lovely couple. Our gift’s in the post.

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The Chris Brown/ Rihanna saga is like a soap – a really bad soap about the most inexplicable pregnancy ever.

Oh yeah, you heard. Rihanna was pregnant. Or Rihanna is pregnant. Or Rihanna wasn’t ever pregnant at all. But definitely one of those three. Unless there’s a fourth option that we haven’t accounted for, like it was Chris Brown who was pregnant. We don’t know, we’re not obstetricians.

But anyway, some reports are suggesting that Rihanna was pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby when he allegedly attacked her this month. Goodness, Chris Brown and Rihanna really want be on Maury, don’t they.

Alright, this is getting silly now. That’s not to say that the Chris Brown/ Rihanna malarkey wasn’t pretty silly to begin with – the thought alone of a weedy R&B pipecleaner like Chris Brown being able to beat up a coldly emotionless cyborg like Rihanna borders on the preposterous, let alone the fact that Oprah Winfrey’s chum felt the need to weigh in with her opinion – but this? This is barmy.

Because now it’s been rumoured that Rihanna was pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby at the time that he allegedly went mental and choked her unconscious before the Grammys this month. So, you know, perhaps the whole harrowing incident was down to a hilarious misunderstanding over the term ‘knocked up’. According to The Insider:

Star Magazine had a juicy tidbit of information recently and they claim that Rihanna might be pregnant. Word on the streets is that she knew before the Chris Brown fight but she was hesitant to tell him because she thought he might react badly or get upset.

Another plan flawlessly executed by Rihanna, then. The report goes on to state that Rihanna had been to see an ob-gyn at an LA hospital before the incident and was acting ‘nervous, upset and fidgety’ during the meeting. We don’t know about you, but that doesn’t seem like the behaviour of a pregnant woman – all the pregnant women we know eat coal and scream “I’m PREGNANT you unthoughtful BASTARD!” when we don’t give up our seat on the bus for them.

The reports don’t seem to know what the state of Rihanna’s alleged pregnancy is at the moment, though – which makes us suspect that the whole thing was cooked up just to keep this story going for a few more days. Admittedly that’s wishful thinking on our part, since a half Chris Brown/ half Rihanna baby would be bound by genetics to have a head shaped exactly like an alien prawn, a set of teeth that looks like a ceramic shotgun wound and the world’s most humiliating bumfluff moustache.

Not to mention the fact that the baby would be so violent that it’d kick down the maternity ward as soon as it opened its eyes. Allegedly.

But maybe the story is true. maybe Rihanna really is pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby. In which case, the next revelation we can expect is that Rihanna is also Chris Brown’s sister, and also his mother, and also that she isn’t Rihanna at all but Rihanna’s evil twin sister who nobody knew about. And also that Chris Brown had a microchip implanted in his brain by an evil scientist that repeats the word ‘kill’ all the time. And also that, we dunno, one of them is a wasp or something. We refuse to be surprised by anything any more.

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Now that they’re bridging My Super Sweet 16 and Nil By Mouth, Rihanna and Chris Brown can’t be having much fun.

But it’s OK – Ne-Yo‘s fixing it. Ne-Yo has decided that the photo of Rihanna’s smashed face and Chris Brown’s arrest and subsequent apology don’t tell the whole story, so he’s decided to act as an R&B intermediary between the pair of them.

Ne-Yo’s plan is already in effect – he’s spoken to Rihanna and apparently she’s ‘fine’ – and next he’ll talk to Chris Brown. He may even use the word ‘Bruh’ if things get heavy. Don’t mess with Ne-Yo.

The best thing about Chris Brown being arrested for allegedly attacking Rihanna until she needed hospital treatment is that there are no end of celebrities willing to wade in with their take. Literally every celebrity on Earth has decided to share their opinion about Chris Brown – Roseanne, that woman who sometimes hangs around with Oprah Winfrey – all of them.

Trouble is, none of them have been Ne-Yo. Ne-Yo is different. Ne-Yo loves women. Ne-Yo called his last album The Age Of The Gentleman so he’s obviously a gentleman – even though to listen to the album is to understand that his idea of gentlemanly conduct involves having a testicle amputation and then crying a lot.

Ne-Yo was named after the Neo character from The Matrix, whose name was an anagram of ‘one’. Technically Ne-Yo’s name is spelt differently, so it’s only an anagram of ‘oney’ which doesn’t make sense – but that’s beside the point. The point is that Ne-Yo understands.

How much does Ne-Yo understand? Enough for him to be able to sort out this mess between Rihanna and Chris Brown singlehandedly, that’s how much. Ne-Yo is friends with both Rihanna and Chris Brown, so he’s decided to get to the bottom of all those bruises on her face the only way he knows how – via the medium of agonised heart-to-hearts.

Ne-Yo has already had a discussion with Rihanna about the incident, as MTV reports:

“I spoke to Rihanna. She says she’s fine. She didn’t go into detail about what happened. I understand it’s a painful situation; I didn’t push.”

Phew, thank goodness that’s sorted out. Honestly Ne-Yo, you’re wasted as a girl-voiced R&B singer. You should be a private detective or a police superintendent or something. If only people had applied this innovative ‘don’t push’ and ‘no details’ investigative methods at the start of this case, Rihanna might have avoided all this mess.

Meanwhile, Ne-Yo hasn’t spoken to Chris Brown. But he’s going to, and he knows exactly what he’s going to say:

“I haven’t had a chance to talk to Chris yet. I just wanna sit down and talk to that dude and just explain if he doesn’t understand: ‘That’s not something that’s excusable, bruh. You have to get a little smarter about whatever it is going on in your relationship. You have to get a little smarter about how you handle certain situations.’”

Obviously this will be all the punishment that Chris Brown needs and, having been called ‘bruh’ by Ne-Yo, there’ll be no need for him to go to prison or anything like that.

Join us next week when Ne-Yo travels to the Middle East and tries to put a permenant end to the Israeli-Palestine conflict by mumbling “Hey bruh, I’m not going to push, but what’s with all these tanks and shit?” at Benjamin Netanyahu during a romantic dinner for two at a swanky restaurant.

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Rihanna hasn’t commented over her alleged attack by Chris Brown yet, but a picture paints a thousand words.

And most of those words seem to be ‘Ow’. A police photo apparently of Rihanna taken after her supposed fight with Chris Brown has emerged online and, as you’d expect of a photo of a young girl with a busted lip and bruises all over her face, it doesn’t make for pleasant viewing.

However, as awful as it is, the Rihanna photo isn’t nearly as woefully unflattering as the one of Chris Brown we’ve been running all week. So that’s probably something.

One of the most interesting things about this Chris Brown/ Rihanna affair is the small, slightly deluded army of Chris Brown fans who are determined to defend Chris Brown’s right to allegedly smack Rihanna in the mouth until the day they die.

When Chris Brown was arrested, his fans said that he couldn’t have possibly hit Rihanna – and if he did it was probably because she gave him an STD, citing the law that says you’re allowed to punch women in the face if they make your penis a bit itchy. And then, when it emerged that Chris Brown might have hit Rihanna in the past, they still wouldn’t stop defending him, in one case suggesting that Rihanna probably deserved it because of her ‘funny voice’.

So it’ll be interesting to see how the Chris Brown fans react to the Rihanna photo that was leaked online last night. TMZ has published a photo of what appears to be Rihanna taken by police after the alleged attack. The tattoos in the photos are the same as Rihanna’s and the injuries match up perfectly with police reports from after the attack – clearly showing a split lip and a badly bruised and swollen head – which has led many to believe that the photo is genuine.

Not that the LAPD is going to officially confirm anything, though – but, as E! Online reports, the police are investigating how the Rihanna photo came to see the light of day in the first place:

“The Los Angeles Police Department takes seriously its duty to maintain the confidentiality of victims of domestic violence,” the LAPD said in a statement Thursday. The department has yet to publicly identify Rihanna as the alleged victim in Brown’s case. “A violation of this type is considered serious misconduct, with penalties up to and including termination.”

Regardless of how the Rihanna photo was leaked, though, it’s an undeniably horrifying image. But it’s not all bad – now the photo has shown the world the extent of Rihanna’s injuries, it’s bound to only engender more sympathy for her. Not only that, but it’ll help to continue the public debate over domestic violence that Chris Brown’s arrest started.

And what’s more, if Rihanna wanted to make any money out of this we’re almost positive that Savlon would sign her up as its poster girl, although that’s a terrible thing to say and we’re shocked that you’d even suggest that.

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