Rihanna and Chris Brown

Rihanna Vs Chris Brown: The Depressing Courtroom Showdown

May 29th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

So Chris Brown says he isn’t a monster. But we’ve only got his word on that.

Well, his word and the word of his ridiculous “Beleey dat!” sidekick, who almost certainly doesn’t count. But does Rihanna think Chris Brown is a monster? She’s kept a dignified silence since his arrest for allegedly beating her up. Well, it’s either a dignified silence or she’s lost the ability to talk because Chris Brown crushed her windpipe when he tried to choke her unconscious. Who knows?

Anyway, Rihanna’s silence is about to be broken – she’s going to testify against Chris Brown in court.

Chris Brown Is Innocent Says, Um, Chris Brown

April 7th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Relax everyone, the panic’s over – apparently Chris Brown didn’t bludgeon Rihanna with his fists like everyone thought.

He didn’t. And we’ve got this from an entirely reliable source, too – Chris Brown. And if Chris Brown pleaded not guilty in court – which he did yesterday – then he’s not guilty. We weren’t there that night – so the only people who know if Chris Brown attacked Rihanna are Chris Brown and Rihanna.

And since Rihanna was too busy panicking about all the blood sloshing around in her mouth or being unconscious or whatever, we only have Chris Brown’s word to go on.

Chris Brown Plays Basketball! Near Some Girls! WE MUST BURN HIM!

April 2nd, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

If we were Chris Brown, we’d have locked ourselves in a dark room far away from everyone long, long ago.

That’s because we’d be embarrassed by our stupid teeth. Oh, and also because we’d be under the spotlight for allegedly beating Rihanna to a pulp, so anything we did in public would look like the worst kind of insensitive gloating.

Perhaps someone should tell Chris Brown, – he’s been photographed playing basketball with a group of college girls. Worse – he did it with a funny look on his face. Unless it was just his normal face. Chris Brown’s face is weird.

Rihanna Not Having It Off With The Twonk From The Hills

March 30th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

These are tough times for Rihanna – now that she’s dumped Chris Brown, there’s nobody left to punch her in the face.

But help may be at hand. Apparently Rihanna has been linked to Frankie Delgado from The Hills. It’s weird – Frankie doesn’t have a violent temper, a girl’s voice or ridiculous dentistry, so he’s definitely not Rihanna’s type.

Not that it matters, anyway, because Frankie Delgado has denied any romantic involvement with Rihanna. She’s probably holding out for Spencer Pratt – after all, going out with turds seems to be her thing, so she may as well shoot for the moon.

Rihanna: It Was Chris Brown’s Manager’s Fault (Unless It Wasn’t)

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The alleged Chris Brown/ Rihanna fight started with a booty text – OK, a confusing hatred of women and a booty text.

But who sent it? Some said it was Kim Kardashian, who liked Chris Brown because her bottom is large and dense enough to absorb most violent attacks. Some said it was Paris Hilton, because her catchphrase of “That’s hot” could easily be adapted if Chris Brown decided to attack her with a poker.

But apparently the woman who sent Chris Brown the booty text that enraged Rihanna so much was his manager Tina Davis, who’s – what’s the word? – old.

Rihanna & Chris Brown Recording World’s Most Grisly Duet?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Rihanna’s last album was called Good Girl Gone Bad. Here’s betting that her next one will be called Bad Girl Gone Stupid.

Because really. Rihanna getting back with Chris Brown after he allegedly beat her up was one thing, but now? Now it’s been reported that Rihanna and Chris Brown are currently in a recording studio together because – wait for it – they’re actually recording a duet.

We don’t know what the Rihanna/ Chris Brown duet will be called, but we hear it’ll be the lead single from the forthcoming compilation album Now That’s What I Call Spectacularly Misinformed Career Choices.

Rihanna To Get ?7m If Chris Brown Ever Gets Punchy On Her

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You’re Rihanna, and you’ve just got back with your boyfriend after he apparently hit and threatened to kill you.

What happens next? Well, it’s obvious. You bash out a deal with him whereby you get ?7 million if he ever does it again. That’s apparently the deal that Rihanna has struck with Chris Brown, if reports are to be believed. Personally we’d have stuck out for a ‘stop releasing your bad records’ clause, but it was Rihanna’s choice.

Incidentally, Rihanna plans to release her next single – entitled Hey Chris Brown, You’re A Pansy With A Minuscule Penis – in the summer.

Chris Brown Charged With Being A Massive, Massive Git

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Chris Brown has tried all sorts – apologising, getting back with Rihanna, gleefully norking around on a jetski.

But it hasn’t worked. Yesterday Chris Brown was formally charged with two felonies regarding his alleged thumping of Rihanna – assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats – which could land him a jail sentence of up to five years.

What’s more, a detective’s affidavit has also been released, describing exactly what transpired that night. Oddly, it doesn’t seem to think that it was all Rihanna’s fault for having a funny voice. Jeez, don’t these policemen read the hecklerspray comment section?

Are Rihanna & Chris Brown Married Now? Oh, For God’s Sake

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

All girls have their dream wedding mapped out inside their heads, we’re told – and that even goes for Rihanna.

Rihanna is a traditionalist at heart. She wants what all girls want – to accept a damage-limiting, guilt-informed marriage proposal from a boy who was recently alleged to have punched her repeatedly in the face, choked her unconscious and ran away. It’s just like in that romantic fairy tale, Nil By Mouth.

That’s right, Rihanna and Chris Brown have apparently got married. Upon hearing this, seismologists put any recent earthquakes down to the reaction to the ‘if any person present’ part of their service.

Wait A Minute, Rihanna Was PREGNANT!?

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

The Chris Brown/ Rihanna saga is like a soap – a really bad soap about the most inexplicable pregnancy ever.

Oh yeah, you heard. Rihanna was pregnant. Or Rihanna is pregnant. Or Rihanna wasn’t ever pregnant at all. But definitely one of those three. Unless there’s a fourth option that we haven’t accounted for, like it was Chris Brown who was pregnant. We don’t know, we’re not obstetricians.

But anyway, some reports are suggesting that Rihanna was pregnant with Chris Brown’s baby when he allegedly attacked her this month. Goodness, Chris Brown and Rihanna really want be on Maury, don’t they.