The latest from Sherwood Forest is that there is a God.

Back in September we reported that Russell Crowe was set to play both Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham in Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood. Think Lindsay Lohan in Parent Trap with facial hair and a few hundred extra pounds.

However, according to an update on the IMDB Russell Crowe is sticking to one role. He is donning a pair of spanx and is playing Robin Hood. The Sheriff of Nottingham is rumoured to be played by Matthew Macfadyen of Pride and Prejudice remake fame.

If recent physical appearance is anything to go by its hard not to imagine Crowe playing anything other than Friar Tuck. However, a man of his craft, the latest promo picture shows him slimmed down sporting a hair-do that would make Maximus proud.

Cate Blanchett has taken over from Sienna Miller, and been cast as Maid Marion. The mere presence of Blanchett in the line up makes the film all the more appealing.

Also with a nearly 20-year age difference between Miller and Crowe, no amount of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor would have condoned such sugardaddy casting.

The actors attached to the project all appear to be pretty awesome, it’s comforting to have in this kind of genre a leading man who can actually act. If you’re not a fan of Crowe, just be grateful it’s not Clive Owen (see, utter relief). Even if Scott at the helm doesn’t get your arrows soaring the writers alone make the project worth a look.

One such writer is Brian Helgeland, who wrote the screenplays for Man on Fire, Mystic River, LA Confidential, Payback and Assassins. OK, Assassins is no Mystic River, but you know you love that movie. If none of those films appeal enough to make you go and watch the film, maybe you don’t deserve to. No, seriously, if that isn’t your bag of chips, the other writers involved co-wrote Kung Fu Panda. Now, you definitely know you love that movie.

As a die hard and quote-addicted fan of Robin Hood Prince of Thieves, this latest man-(not quite)-in-tight adventure should be a welcome addition to the franchise. Despite the teething problems the stellar cast and crew may just pull off the film of 2011. One has to admit, the thought of Crowe donning a scowl and pivoting once again with a sword in hand, is an appealing one.

Are you not entertained?

[story by Gemma Addy]

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And that theory works beautifully with the Alien series. Alien had an alien in it, Aliens had more than one alien in it, Alien 3 was the third film in the franchise and Alien: Resurrection was a film about some aliens that featured a resurrection as a key plot point.

Which brings us to Alien 5. Which might be happening. Without any aliens in it. Whoops.
Although Sigourney Weaver is possibly most famous for her role as Ripley in the Alien franchise, she doesn’t need it to make a living. She’s been in plenty of other films, from that crappy movie about the village to the crappy movie about the vantage point to, um…

OK, look, perhaps Sigourney Weaver does need the Alien franchise a bit. But that’s just tough luck because, between the two Alien Vs Predator movies that have been released in recent years, the aliens in question now couldn’t be less scary if they came in big clown shoes and spinny bow-ties and constantly did goofy renditions the Soulja Boy dance at 90-second intervals.

So what’s Sigourney Weaver to do? On the one hand her old action movie contemporaries like Sylvester Stallone and Harrison Ford are revisiting old glories in return for piles of cash, but on the other she knows that making another Alien movie would essentially make her Michelle Dessler from 24’s sloppy seconds. If only there was a third way – a way that made little to no sense on any level but would somehow ensure that Sigourney Weaver had enough money for that nice new speedboat she’s had her eye on.

Wait a minute, there is! Apparently Sigourney has been talking to Ridley Scott about the possibility of making Alien 5. And, here’s the kicker, it doesn’t look as if it’ll have any aliens in it. Filmstalker quotes:

“Both of us feel a kind of commitment to that woman. He’s as much responsible for who she is as I am. We’d have to go back to the drawing board on [the alien]. Ridley said that right away when we first talked about [a fifth film]. What we’re interested in is taking the character of Ripley and seeing what other science fiction story we can tell about someone who has lived several lives.”

You see? Ripley’s life doesn’t revolve completely around her incident with the aliens, so it stands to reason that you could make Alien 5 about other adventures that she’s been on. Like when she returned to Earth and took up tapestry, for example, or the time she thought she saw a fox going through her bins but actually it was just next door’s cat. Any of these scenarios would make a perfectly good film.

Of course, there is one perfectly good option for Alien 5 here that nobody seems to have noticed. Remember in Alien: Resurrection where we saw the seven hideous variously-deformed Ripley mutant clones? Let’s make Alien 5 about them! It would be excellent – not only would it give Sigourney Weaver the chance to play seven characters at once, giving her the chance to show off her acting ability, but it’d probably be the only chance we’d get to see a film about seven deformed mutant ladies and their hilarious plan to start a Salvation Army brass band much to the horror of the local parish council. It’d be a hoot. A hoot!

Now, look, we share your concern here – an Alien 5 that hasn’t got any aliens in it does sound almost unstoppably awful. But don’t forget – Ridley Scott sounds as if he’s heavily involved in the development process of the movie, so Alien 5 could be the movie that takes the series back to its roots.

Or, given that the next two films that Ridley Scott wants to make are a version of Robin Hood where Russell Crowe plays everyone and an actual movie adaptation of the bloody Monopoly boardgame, the whole thing is going to stink so badly that everyone who goes to see it will need to get their brain fumigated. But let’s not think about that option too much. It’ll just make us want to cry.

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First Nottingham was going to star Russell Crowe as a good Sheriff of Nottingham who had to battle the evil Robin Hood, then it wasn’t going to be made at all, but now it’s back on – and it’s got completely weird. Apparently in the new Nottingham, Russell Crowe is going to play the Sheriff of Nottingham and Robin Hood.

Not in a good way, either. In Nottingham, Russell Crowe’s character will be both the Sheriff of Nottingham and Robin Hood – news which will be profoundly disappointing to all of us hoping that Nottingham would feature a Double Impact-style scene where two identical Russell Crowes have a kung-fu fight with telephones in the woods in 12th Century England.

Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott have something of a mutual profession mancrush on each other. They’ve previously teamed up on Gladiator, A Good Year, American Gangster, Body Of Lies – in fact, we’re mostly convinced that if Russell Crowe was more than 15 years old when Alien was made, it would have been about Russell Crowe bursting out of Russell Crowe’s chest and then getting fired out of a spaceship by a grappling hook fired by Russell Crowe.

Anyway, the next movie that Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott are teaming up on will be Nottingham, their revisionist take on the legend of Robin Hood. Nottingham was to stray from the traditional Robin Hood tale in several ways – there’d be no tights, no Bryan Adams songs and Nottingham wouldn’t be 30 minutes from Dover on horseback. But most importantly, Nottingham would be a detective movie about Russell Crowe playing a hard-bitten Sheriff of Nottingham on the trail of the evil criminal Robin Hood.

That’s the way it was supposed to be, at least. But not too long ago, Nottingham was shelved – the blame being laid on the writers strike, the possibility of an actors strike and the seasonal ugliness of forests. However, now Nottingham is back on with one small difference.

In the new version of Nottingham, the Sheriff Of Nottingham is Robin Hood, and Russell Crowe gets to play everybody, even Friar Tuck and Maid Marion. Probably. MTV reports:

The news comes straight from the helmer himself, with Scott revealing “He’s playing both!” exclusively to MTV News. While Scott held additional details close to his chest — saying they would take too long to describe — he did exclaim that Crowe’s dual roles would be “a good old clever adjustment of characters. One becomes the other. It changes.”

What could this all mean? Does the Sheriff of Nottingham take to robbing people as a way of collecting taxes for the king? Is there going to a Tyler Durden-style schizophrenic reveal near the end of the movie? Or is it going to be the Double Impact thing? Oh, let it be the Double Impact thing, Ridley. There’s a tenner in it for you if you make it the Double Impact thing.

But however Russell Crowe will play the Sheriff of Nottingham and Robin Hood, let’s just all be grateful that Nottingham is actually getting made. It’s been too long since a decent Robin Hood movie has been made – plus we hear that Jay-Z has already recorded another American Gangster-style album inspired by the movie, and we wouldn’t want the world to be deprived of surefire would-be hits like H To The Izzood, Wenches Wenches Wenches and I Got 99 Problems (And Scurvy Accounts For 97 Of Them), would we.