Ricky Wilson, AKA King of the Dicks, has declared that his band, Kaiser Chiefs, are ‘the band that most music fans would see as their (Oasis’) successor’.

Now, this makes him a prick for a number of reasons:

1) It’s obviously bull-shit.

2) Who does he mean when he says ‘most music fans’? Have you ever met anyone who isn’t a fan of music? Everyone who ever existed is a fan of music and hecklerspray knows a few of them: not one has ever claimed Kaiser Chiefs are the successors of Oasis. Only Ricky.

3) He’s obviously only doing it in the vain hope that Noel will retaliate, on the off-chance it could turn into a war like the Blur/Oasis feud of old, like he tried to start with the Arctic Monkeys, which of course failed spectacularly, what with Kaiser Chiefs not being fit to lick either of their comparatively Messianic assholes.

What Ricky should try is starting a war with that Johnny Borrell fella. It’d be a far fairer playing field; the prick-to-prick ratio would be much better balanced.

From the deep, dark depths of his own anus, Ricky Wilson spoke to The Sun:

Oasis have disappeared up their own arse. They think they are Led Zeppelin. They’re not.

Err…Led Zeppelin? What? Yes, it could be argued that Led Zeppelin have made the voyage up their own rectum from time to time, but they did write Stairway to Heaven, and were also capable of writing a song that wasn’t verse, chorus, verse, bridge, chorus, end.

They are therefore entitled to the occasional holiday up their arses.

Oasis too, it’s true, have on occasion made trips up their own jacksies, as all who can remember All Around The World will testify. But, dear Ricky, they did write Live Forever and, although living forever is a horrifying prospect, especially with the prospect of you clogging up the airwaves of eternity, it does qualify them for a visit.

You, however, wrote Ruby, and the only asshole you would do well to visit is hecklerspray’s, as our shit will rub sense into anyone.

Anyway, that’s enough arsehole talk for one post. Ricky Wilson added (brackets added by us, obviously):

Our new album is shaping up. I reckon it’s our best stuff yet (no huge achievement). I played it to our manager the other day, who has known us for over ten years (ten years! Wow! So what?), and a smile just spread across his face as soon as he heard it (the morons will lap up this, cha-ching!). He reckons that it’s the best material we have come up with. It isn’t finished but, in my mind, I know exactly where the vocals are going now and how it will sound (not hard to predict). Mark Ronson is producing the album (Mark Ronson! Fuckadoodledoo! Can Kaiser Chiefs be saved by the inclusion of a trumpet? No). He turned down a lot of people to work with us — a lot of big names, who I won’t mention (so modest of you Ricky). When he does that to work with us, we must be doing something well.

Yes, despite everything you do seem to sell a lot of records. The world, we are afraid, is designed for crashing bores.

Basically the point we’re trying to make is that this guy is twat.

Thanks for reading.

Read More – Kaiser Chiefs Ricky Wilson: ‘Oasis have disappeared up their own arse’ – NME

Ricky Wilson’s tiny little mind is hurting today. It turns out Kaiser Chiefs infant-school anthem Ruby has been overlooked for a Brit award.

The band had made the shortlist for the Best Single prize but, in an act that has reaffirmed hecklerspray’s faith in democracy, Ruby did not make it into the final five, all thanks to a vote amongst the Great British public.

The Hoosiers, Mark Ronson, Mika, Take That and Leona Lewis will all be battling it out in Kaiser Chief's absence – meanwhile the band be sitting around listening to I Predict A Riot and trying to rearrange the chords in a not too dissimilar order, whilst deciding whether "na na na na na" or perhaps "ah ah ah ah ah" suits the new song they’ve just created before repeating the process eleven times, having the gall to call it an album, then wondering why the entirety of healthy-minded humans, as well as the people behind the Brit awards, disregard it as a total waste of theirs and our own existence.

A lot of artists pay no heed to award ceremonies, considering them little more than a kind of rim-job for the ego and totally irrelevant to the essence of their art. You know, respectable types, like Radiohead, Eels and Arctic Monkeys. But Ricky Wilson feels differently. He told the BBC:

"Everyone knows 'Ruby' is the best single, if you are gonna whittle them down to five, you'd think 'Ruby' would be in there wouldn't you? They have all got their merits, but I am just a bit annoyed. There is no point making enemies with these people because they will all be there."

Is that a reason not to make enemies with someone? What if Churchill had said that about Hitler? “Oh, there’s no point in falling out with the man, I may one day be in the same room as him, let’s call the whole thing off”. But then Churchill didn’t have Leona Lewis to deal with.

The 2008 Brits takes place at London's Earl's Court this Wednesday.

Read more:

Ricky Wilson: 'Everyone knows 'Ruby' is the best single' - NME