Ricki Lake is a lovely sod isn’t she? Even if her particular brand of cheeriness and optimism grates, you can’t truly hate her can you? Of course you can. She’s a celebrity. You can hate them all you want.

Despite being considerably more wealthy than you, her successes don’t mean she’s not prone to massive thickery.

See, Ricki is just as stupid as anyone else and can totally be duped by people online. She was all ready to marry a man from England who she’s found via online dating and, remarkably, it transpired that he was a “user and liar”.

There are a whole host of people who live out some bizarre fantasy online. Seriously. They sit in their festering pits surrounded by drained bottles of cheap wine, spouting off to the world about their invented achievements and plough through stolen jokes and borrowed anecdotes and nostalgia, wooing the lonely and neglected.

Of course, this two-way neediness is a lesson in abject misery for anyone unlucky enough to catch on to it.

So, if you’re pretending to be a kind, sensitive soul… possibly with a few problems (great if you’re the kind of person who attracts the kind of people who want to ‘fix’ broken, troubled minds) like a wounded wanker, then you’ll probably have a decent success rate when luring the fragile into something of a relationship, which you can then contort into whatever nefarious direction you like!

GREAT!

And Ricki Lake was no exception as she became “infatuated” with a Brit she met on the web. Talking to Newsweek, she said:

“When I was single two years ago, I decided I wanted a boyfriend for my birthday. My friends thought I was crazy for online dating.”

The relationship progressed very quickly (surprise!) and she even met with immigration lawyers so she could marry this sneaky bozo!

“I found this narcissist online and started a whirlwind relationship where I was delusional. I was with a guy who was a total user and liar. He was English and considered himself a poet.

She should’ve ran a mile at ‘poet’. Other professions to avoid are ‘musician’, ‘writer’, ‘celebrity gossip blogger’, ‘painter’ and absolutely anyone who says they’ve served in the armed forces.

“He was more charismatic than physically beautiful but I became infatuated with him very quickly. I was out of my mind in some ways. I wanted it so badly I lost all clarity… I was going to marry him so he could get a green card. I even went to England with him and met his mother. He was such a bad guy. I was the only one who didn’t see the signs… I found out from my housekeeper that he would be nice to my children in front of my face but would cringe about them behind my back.”

The bastard!

“After six weeks, I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise myself. I had lost all sense of who I was. I realised it was not working. As soon as I saw the light, it was over. I didn’t cry a tear about this guy. I dumped him.”

HURRAY!

And now, Ricki Lake has found love with some bloke called Christian Evans but we don’t care about that really. All we want to do is shout…

GO RICKI! GO RICKI! GO RICKI! GO RICKI!

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hecklerspray was born on a cold March morning just after the sun peaked over a lone mountain. In the distance an eagle soared upwards, as if to carry the news to the heavens themselves. As we lay there in our mothers arms, we had our first conscious thought: “Is this a dumpster?”

And it was. We had brown water in our lungs within the hour. It was good for us. Our immune systems got fortified and we staved off getting spoiled.

Couldn’t get away with that nowadays though. Now whenever anybody wants to scissor-split a baby out you have to do it in a fancy hospital – as if doctors and nurses help anyway. Ricki Lake is on to them. She knows hospital birthing is all but unnecessary – and she won’t stoop to their level. She wants to prove it too – that’s why she recently recorded her home birth for you all to watch.

With your eyes.

As we see it home birthing has one major problem. That being when all that liquid gushes down the tarp-covered love-seat, it’s just gonna stain the carpet.

Other than that it’s a real home run. Think about it – you feel like a cookie when you’re only dilated 7 cm? Then waddle on over to the cupboard and get you one. Want some chicken? Then grab some from the pocket of your husband’s jeans that he’s carelessly strewn on the stairs.

You really can’ beat it. Ricki Lake knows. She’s had a home-kid and she wants you to have one too. For those of you incapable, maybe you could order one from India or something.

Lake’s made a movie all about her home-birthing experience. It’s called The Business of Being Born, and from what we gather it’s about hospitals being largely unnecessary corporations that desperately want to be on your child’s receiving end so they can stick you with a big bill for it – gratuity not included. The American Medical Association has caught wind of what Lake’s doing – and they are vocally displeased. Lake says:

“It feels like a personal attack. I can’t imagine they are scared everyone will have a home birth because I did. The message of the film is about having all the choices in birth, it’s about getting information and being empowered.”

Nice, eh? If we were being truthful, which we’re not from this point on, we’d tell you Lake’s next documentary is purported to be on underwater birthing. To be able to do this of course, she’ll need another fetus – for which she’s currently taking applications. Just send a picture of yourself along with a printout of recent blood work and a family death-history for the past ten generations.

If it sells like we expect it to, best prepare yourself for a paternity suit.

Read More:

Lake Fires Back At AMA For Childbirth Statement – Associated Press