Like many people, we can only achieve climax from pornography if rap stars edit footage of themselves into it.

We should be more specific. We can only achieve climax from pornography if the edited rap star footage shows them wearing a purple fur coat and giant curly wig. And if they include a voiceover that involves them screeching incomprehensibly in a sort of weird high-pitched Skeletor voice during the actual pornography, then we’re basically in ejaculation city, baby.

Luckily, 50 Cent appears to have made that exact thing, for reasons that only he could explain. However, the woman in the sex tape has now sued 50 Cent for emotional distress. Which is weird, because now that we’ve seen 50 cent in a purple coat and a curly wig doing an indecipherable voiceover to a sex tape, we imagine we deserve quite a large lump sum as well.

Think of all the great hip-hop beefs of our time. Biggie Vs Tupac. Nas Vs Jay-Z.  Eminem Vs Vanilla Ice. They all followed more or less the same formula – Act One criticises Act Two in a song, then Act Two retaliates with a song of their own and it all continues until everyone is dead or, tragically, one of them does a song with Jedward. But 50 Cent doesn’t play by those rules. 50 Cent doesn’t have beefs. 50 Cent has entire cows. Entire herds of cows. Which would be OK, if only he was any good at them. But he’s not.

He really isn’t. Remember the beef that 50 Cent had with Kanye West, where he threatened to quit music forever if Kanye West outsold him? If you do, you’ll know that Kanye West ended up quite comprehensively outselling him. But that didn’t technically qualify as a 50 Cent beef, because at no point during it did 50 Cent slip into a purple fur coat and horrific Leo Sayer wig and narrate his way through a Kanye West sex tape in a voice so shrill and incoherent that you could be forgiven for confusing him with Tilikum the killer whale.

But that’s apparently what 50 Cent did during a recent feud with Rick Ross, who we haven’t heard of either. And now he’s being sued for it. Reuters explains:

A Florida woman has sued rapper 50 Cent for posting her sex tape online without her consent, which was widely seen as part of the singer’s feud with rival Rick Ross. Lastonia Leviston claimed she made the tape in June 2008 with a former boyfriend who sold it to 50 Cent. Leviston said 50 Cent then taped himself dressed in a wig and robe and edited himself into the video, adding his own narration before posting it on his website.

We don’t know what 50 Cent’s reaction to this lawsuit is, largely because every time we think about 50 Cent screeching on about boobies in a silly wig and purple coat we think we’re in the middle of some kind of unstoppable cheese nightmare and we start clawing at our face with our fingernails just to make sure we can even feel any more.

Also, the sex tape is still online but we’re not posting it. That’s not because we’re unsure of the legal consequences of doing so, or because we’re concerned about the emotional distress that it’d cause to the woman involved. No, instead we’re refusing to post it because it’s a video of 50 Cent done up like a pimp version of Rod Hull and shrieking about willies and we don’t want to cause your libido to wilt as much as ours just has.

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Rappers are often strong, bold men with a ghetto-earned prowess and a serious set of skills when it comes to rhyming various words with other various words.

They are forged in the harsh fires of the slums, where, before their big breaks, they are forced into lives of crime to support themselves and sometimes their over two dozen children. A former penchant for illegal drug sales is a popular topic they often thrown into verse.

Also, many of them often sing about a strong desire to enforce laws along side the man, and move inmates from cell block A to cell block B. In one case this appears to actually be true.

Rick Ross, an extraordinary rapper that we have never before heard of, used to be a prison guard. A photo of him in uniform has leaked – and he is denying absolutely everything.

Hecklerspray worked in a prison for almost a year and a half. We’d help the inmates bathe, we’d stand-guard over them while they slept, and occasionally we’d jump out of their underwear drawers first thing in the morning just to see their stunned faces. None of that was technically in our job description, but we love making murderers, rapists and various ethnic gang leaders smile.

Rick Ross knows the joys of working in a prison. He did it starting at around age 19, and pictures of him in uniform have just surfaced. This may have some serious implications for his music career, as much of his song content included details of a past criminal-infused life style.

According to the Smoking Gun:

“Apparently desperate to distance himself from any affiliation with law enforcement, the rapper Rick Ross has recently denounced as fake photos purporting to show him in a former career as a Florida prison guard. But Department of Corrections (DoC) records show that Ross, whose raps detail the Miami gangster lifestyle and his supposed days trafficking cocaine, did, in fact, work as a correctional officer for 18 months. Ross (real name: William Leonard Roberts) was appointed a prison guard in December 1995 at a salary of $22,913.54, according to the below personnel record, which was provided to TSG by Jo Ellyn Rackleff, a DoC spokesperson. The rapper’s social security number is identical to that of the jail guard.”

It seems like there’s a definite pattern recently of big tough rappers falling from ghetto-grace. Young Buck cried all over his telephone, and he wasn’t even holding a gun when he did so. His sissiness was completely un-canceled-out. Akon’s been proven prison-less recently too. Also, we heard he was only able to throw that one fan into the crowd with the help of wires and very small hydrolics.

Ross explains his dilemma away by saying somebody photo-shopped his teenage face onto a prison guard’s body. Look at the pic though – ain’t nothing photo-shopped about it.

We wouldn’t worry about it, Ross. Technically you can still sing about having been in prison. You can mention ‘cell bars’ in your songs, Just don’t mention what side you were standing on. For instance, maybe you can use something like this for your next album:

“As I stand here, looking through the bars, my gaze falls sweetly on the distance. Hark – a butterfly! Tis freedom’s emissary! Beckoning me heavenward!”

Well that doesn’t really rhyme or anything, but fill it with enough passion and nobody will notice. Also, maybe you could sing about the snack machine in the prison guard break room and the time you hit E-11, and the thing kept your money but didn’t drop your Fritos.

Kids love songs about Fritos. That’s gold, we tell you.