“The Earth will tremble with terrible Quaking, sulphorous Ffires will consumeth the Living, and nightmarish Beasts of all persuasion shall stalk the Barren Plains. Oh, and verily shallt Richard and Judy be cast off the telly.”

Nostradamus there, from one of his lesser known tracts describing the End of Times. Well, don’t go making any plans for your holidays this year, because the twin colossi of televisual babyfood have called it a day. So expect endless earthquakes, and the whole of France to be consumed by lava any time soon.

Not all bad news, then.

This morning, while the world goes about its productive business, spare a thought for the students and unemployeds who will be curled up within their quilty cocoons, weeping softly in their sleep.

Because when they finally wake up and read this news, they’re going to be pissed.

Since 1883, or thereabouts, when Richard Madeley first bounded onto the set of revolutionary new TV show This Morning – with Judy Finnigan hobbling along behind – Britain’s students, unemployed, potsmokers and sad folk have found no reason to get out of bed before 6pm other than to watch the pair of wedded wankers’ daily output of easy-to-digest TV mush.

No more. Richard and Judy have decided to quit their contracts six months early, having realised that making a programme that only 38 people watch is marginally more humiliating than going on air every day and talking about how regular anal sex is saving their marriage . Or whatever it is they do.

The show’s failure to attract large audiences is definitely not their fault, though. It’s all because they’re on one of those newfangled digital stations now. The Sun reports their words:

“Many former viewers have told us they simply couldn’t find us there.”

We understand, Richard and Judy. It must be an absolute bloody nightmare for people who can barely summon up the energy and mental faculties to slop a pint of milk over an enormous bowl of cornflakes at three o’clock in the afternoon to manage to press all three of those buttons on the remote. One after the other, and so quickly, too.

These are tough financial times. All too many people are losing their jobs, and income. But so many of us forget about the knock-on effects on the children in these circumstances.Richard and Judy’s daughter, Chloe, must be absolutely distraught at this news.

What’s she going to watch now, at four in the afternoon when she’s lying around on her sofa, bombed off her little face on the weed?

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Well, it must numb the pain of hearing your dad describing how he made you.

What a bad week for celebrity hash addicts. First, spade-faced swimming moron Michael Phelps was photographed enjoying a draw on a weedpipe. Now, a second celebrity/cannabis story as – who? Chloe what? Really? Huh.

Since the human/dolphin/ALF hybrid Michael Phelps was revealed as a crazy, pipe-chuffing partyfool, celebrities have realised that being pictured having a wang of dope can seriously raise their cool credentials. Sorry, our bad: we meant it can seriously make them lose a tentload of money from dropped sponsorships.

The News Of The World reports that they have a picture of ‘Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan‘s telly presenter daughter Chloe smoking cannabis from a bong as she sits between a man’s legs at a boozy party’.

No way! You’re kidding, right? That’s just unbelievable. ‘Telly presenter’?

So, what’s the reaction from Chloe Madeley the telly presenter’s parents?

After we showed the picture of Chloe, 21, to her horrified parents, the family had a showdown meeting at their mansion in leafy Hampstead, North London. Last night the couple gave a statement to the News of the World, saying: “We’ve obviously spoken to Chloe and whilst we – like most parents – are aware that kids her age sometimes experiment, it is always a bad idea.”

That’s right, kids, experimenting is always a bad idea. Tell your chemistry teacher that Richard and Judy said so.

Chloe herself has more sorries to add. Perhaps from between a man’s legs, she said: “I was really stupid. I regret doing what I did and have learnt my lesson”. We hear you, Chloe. Next time you’ll definitely make sure to use a slower-burning weed, which gives a much longer and more satisfying high.

Read more:

Bong II Rights – News Of The World

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