Remember when you lot liked Frankie Boyle? Remember when you watched Mock The Week and thought it was ‘alright’? Remember when you realised how awful it was? Remember when Boyle turned into a poor man’s Jerry Sadowitz/post-modern Roy Chubby Brown?

Of course you do. You’re still supremely sore about it. You’re irked and wounded because someone you once liked has gone so very, very shit.

And worse still, you’re irritated because Boyle is so very good at winding you up. That’s exactly what he’s doing right now, by wishing a raping on comedians Josie Long and Richard Herring. God, he’s a twitter outrage dream isn’t he?

So what’s he done?

Well, in his new book – which we can’t remember the name of because we, like you, have absolutely no intention of actually buying it – he’s gone and made a distasteful joke… WHICH IS A MASSIVE SURPRISE ISN’T IT?

Basically, Chortle report that he’s written down a depraved daydream that imagines

“Richard Herring being ‘fucked to death’”

He also muses on Josie Long (admittedly lovely)

“inhabiting a monkey body and being raped by a similarly simian Hitler”

And, with a wearisome predictability, Twitter goes into full outrage mode, giving Boyle approximately a million times the attention he would’ve had if everyone simply ignored it.

This kind of publicising has of course been mastered by the Daily Mail and the Fox News Network, which preys on liberal outrage… which of course, is the best kind of outrage.

Why? Because all the complaining wet-farts are simply going to complain… and complain… and complain… and that’s it. Nothing else. They’ll sit there with their arms folded like sulky toddlers in a supermarket, bottom lips stuck out kicking their thin little legs to no avail.

These people are, of course, the same people who grow moustaches for charity and are politically active, provided you don’t have to do anything beyond putting your email address into an online petition.

We saw a similar level of pathetic outrage when Ricky Gervais repeatedly used the word ‘mong’. Mong, granted, is not a very nice thing to say… but the response from an online community who still says things like ‘that’s well gay’, refers to androgynous people as looking ‘like trannies’ and doesn’t mind calling a friend a ‘spazz’ is a bit rich, right?

While Boyle is, without question, a tit who likes to make crass comments for his own amusement, at least he’s canny enough to feed on the pointless outrage that exists and turn it into a decent mortgage payment or ten.

So well done to you saps for that. Perhaps we should wish a raping on you spazzofaggotAIDSnegroes too, just to provoke some kind of traffic gobbling return too?

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Ricky Gervais seems to be one of those people you either love or hate, or something inbetween.

As with any popular existence, he is subject to the normal animosity imposed by the group who are at present too cool to be a fan of a well-liked figure. Anyway, he’s got a DVD/Blu-Ray coming out of that Invention of Lying film he did, so to publicise it he gave a small number of interviews. One of them was with us, yay!

We also gave him the opportunity to plug lots of other things – see if you can spot them.

Hecklerspray:  So how’s your day gone so far, generally?

Ricky Gervais: (sighs) What do you want me to say?

H: Well… be honest.

RG: It’s a chore, it’s a chore (laughs).

H: Yeah? I imagine it would be.

RG: Why can’t people just watch the films and buy my DVDs and tickets without me having to do anything at all towards it? You know what I mean?

H: And why don’t celebrities want to have a chat with me without wanting to plug a product?

RG: I know – yeah exactly. We should just hang out and see if we get on before we try and plug my product.

H: And then maybe I’d suggest to people that they should watch the Invention of Lying

RG: It’s not even guaranteed, either. ’cause it’s not like I go “OK I’ll give you an interview but you’ve got to say nice things about it.” We could have an interview, I could be moaning and you could say, ‘not only is he a whinging f*cker but his film’s shit.’ It’s not even a guarantee.

H: The thing is, all the work is pretty much over for you after today. I’ve still got to review your DVD.

RG: Well don’t make it sound like such a chore, now I know what it sounds like, it’s terrible – whinging. Just get on with it; we’ve all got problems – Jesus Christ.

H: Alright, so you’ve got the Invention of Lying DVD coming out.

RG: (laughs) Thank you.

H: That’s out there now. The DVD menu, I’m not sure if you’ve looked at it, it’s probably the same as the cover [in appearance]. I haven’t seen the retail cover over here yet.

RG: Right?

H: They’ve done something to your face.

RG: Oh, airbrushing?

H: Yeah! Everyone’s basically whiter, but you…

RG: Not only is it airbrushed, but it looks like I’ve had reconstructive surgery.

H: I think… yeah…

RG: You know how it looks when they find a bit of a skull? And then they build the thing and they say this is what man would have looked like 5,000 years ago? It’s like that isn’t it?

H: So it’s an approximation of what you look like?

RG: (laughing) Exactly, yeah. It’s an approximation of what a British film star looked like in the year 2009.

H: Sort of stretched…

RG: Yeah, stretched, yeah. A little bit wide, yeah. A little less fat at least, which is good.

H: That’s true, the stretching does help.

RG: Yeah, exactly. It looks like I lost my eyebrows and I had to repaint them on like those old ladies do.

H: I didn’t spot that actually, I must admit.

RG: Yeah have a look at it – they sort of look light and fluffy.

H: I did enjoy the menu on the whole, mainly just because of that. So even if you don’t like the film…

RG: The thing is, they’ve airbrushed Louis C.K. and he still looks like a big fat ginger slob

H: But I didn’t think Louis, Jennifer or Rob looked that different to be honest, just a bit more ghost-like

RG: You don’t have to do a lot to Rob Lowe, he’s got the most chiselled… it’s ridiculous! He looks like an Action Man up close – his chin goes to a point

H: But what sort of utility does that have? Really? Apart from, I dunno…?

RG: Popping balloons at a kid’s party

H: I suppose maybe you could put cheese and pineapple on it, I don’t know.

RG: (laughs) Yeah, yeah.

H: So the concept of The Invention of Lying, where do you draw the line of what’s a lie? Because obviously you’d decided there’s no movies, or fiction in that respect. But then at the other end of the spectrum, everyone seems to say exactly what they’re thinking even maybe when it’s not necessary…

RG: Err, well yeah, that was obviously… yeah. I mean, it’s a house of cards; if you look into it too much it’s gonna be impossible. The joke was, that everything is exactly the same, except no-one can tell a lie. Not only do they not know how to tell a lie, but they’ve almost got a Tourette’s. The comedy comes from just saying what’s on your mind as opposed to being able to keep it back, and obviously that’s the fun in it. They still wear shirts and ties and have buttons and zips and cars and radio, so that’s the sort of joke. It’s sort of like a Flintstones-esque world where everything’s the same but made of concrete.

H: Well I liked the film, I’ll say that now to put you at ease.

RG: Oh thank you. I liked the film as well.

H: Yeah?

RG: I liked the idea, I thought that was nice. I like the fact that it’s probably one of the most subversive films in Hollywood because it was described as a Hollywood rom-com, which I like.

RG: Yeah, exactly. And I don’t get paid for any of it.

H: Suicide bombers, in comparison, have it easy. They only have to do it once.

RG: That’s true, they don’t have to get up the next day do they?

H: (laughing) No… well… I better skip onto the Twitter questions ’cause I think we’re running out of time, ’cause I know you like Twitter. It’s funny how the media seemed to jump onto the fact that you leaving is now a backlash against Twitter.

RG: I love that! All I did… I mean I didn’t even know they were listening. I think I did two twitters was it? Or three?

H: I don’t know, I only heard about it after you left.

RG: I think I did two twitters, one was saying “Hi, they want me to tweet – I’m just testing it.” The second one was something like, “I went for a run.” The third one was, “I’m quitting Twitter because I don’t see the point.” It’s nothing against Twitter, I think it makes sense for young folk, the social networking and having a hobby. For someone in my position it was slightly undignified, it was getting close to living your life like an open wound. As far as celebrities chatting to each other in public, it’s like showing off.

H: It does mean that you’re now in the same exclusive club as Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter.

RG: What happened there?

H: Well she… I dunno… she was a big user and then she left, so now you’re featured in articles alongside her.

RG: I think you’ll find that the biggest proportion of the world don’t Twitter, so I’m in a not very exclusive club. I think you’ll probably find that 5.5 billion people don’t Twitter (laughs).

H: They don’t matter though, that’s the thing.

RG: Well OK yeah, I suppose the subset is people who did Twitter once now don’t any more.

H: Well there you go.

RG: I don’t know how many people of those there are, but I’m in that club yeah.

H: Maybe just two or three.

RG: What if I Twitter again? Then I’ll be in the club of people that don’t Twitter, do Twitter, don’t Twitter, DO Twitter. So now I’m really narrowing down the amount of people who’ve done that. So I might do one Twitter saying, “I’m Twittering again.” Then another one going, “No, only joking.”

H: Well, we’re transcending many levels of reality here.

RG: That’ll probably just be me in that club then.

H: Well if you do it enough times, yeah.

RG: Exactly.

H: The first question I got was, [@the28wall] “Can we expect any more audiobooks and podcasts from you and the lads any time soon?”

RG: Err, yes, there’s one out today.

H: Yeah, to be honest I knew the answer.

RG: Oh, you were setting me up for a plug.

H: No. Well, yes, basically. That was an actual question though.

RG: That’s the last one for a long time, that’s number 10 of our ‘Guides to‘. The Guide to the Human Body. Oh no! The last one is in a month’s time, and that’s The Guide to the Earth. This is number 9, and number 10 will be the last one for a while.

H: There’s a question from David Schneider, he says, [@davidschneider] “Can I have some of your money?”

RG: Err…

H: That’s David Schneider the comedian.

RG: Yes he can. But in a very roundabout way.

H: How would he…?

RG: Well because I donate 40% of all my money to the Inland Revenue, and they go towards building roads and hospitals and the police force. So if he ever calls a policeman to come round, then in a way, I’ve paid for a bit of that.

H: You’ve not started to keep your money offshore to avoid that sort of thing then?

RG: No.

H: That’s good of you, you’re giving something back.

RG: I’ve buried it all and bought a gun.

H: Are you going to guard that every night?

RG: Exactly, yeah

H: There’s another one, this says, [@delphatic] “Would you think of producing something like The 11 O’Clock Show so you could help other fledgling comedians make a break?”

RG: I probably wouldn’t, but you never know. Myself and Stephen are doing a bit of extra-curricular talent spotting and executive producing. We’re sending Karl [Pilkington] around the world at the moment for a programme for Sky 1 called Seven Wonders, we’re behind the scenes on that. We’re also developing a new show with Warwick Davis called Life’s Too Short.

H: Very clever title.

RG: Yeah, which is fantastic. So yeah, I suppose we’re being a bit Simon Cowell on the side, and we do it with American Office as well. That’s purely a sort of production/business mogul type venture. So yeah, it’s not out of the question.

H: OK, this is a question from Richard Herring (the comedian).

RG: It’s not really – this is not really from Dave Schneider and Richard Herring?

H: Oh yeah – they’re on Twitter. That’s the genius you see.

RG: Oh alright, OK.

H: Richard Herring says, [@Herring1967] “Can I have a million pounds please?”

RG: (laughs) Erm… err… oh dear… oh dear…Well, I think the honest answer is “no”, and the dishonest answer is “yes”.

H: Right, OK, that’s fair enough.

RG: I’ve covered my bases I think there.

H: [Agreeing] So you’ve got everything. The last question is from Dom Joly who says, [@domjoly] “Can you lend me some money?” There seems to be a theme here.

RG: There seems to be a theme here of other comedians pointing out that I’m richer than them, and I think implicit in that, is that I don’t deserve it (laughs).

H: Do you think they begrudge you? Is that what you’re saying?

RG: Well they’re all very funny, and thank them very much for their questions. They’re all rich! Don’t believe the hype! They’re all rich.

H: Richard Herring stays in Travel Inns.

RG: They’re rolling in it. They’re trying to keep their street cred – I lost mine. I lost mine ages ago. But then I had it more than them for the first 36 years of my life (laughs).

H: So you think it’s levelling out now?

RG: Yeah, exactly. My poverty was extensive, so over the years I reckon they’re richer than me; if it’s in how much money you’ve had divided by the number of years you’ve lived.

H: I accept that, that’s good maths. I think that’ll do.

The Invention of Lying is released on Blu-Ray and DVD on 1st February

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter. But don’t follow Ricky Gervais on Twitter. We really can’t stress that enough.

Every now and then we like to catch a virus just to mix things up a bit and remind our immune system that it still has a role to play in our continuing existence.

To keep things interesting, given that it is summer; we decided to go with the common cold. As males we know how devastating this can be, with days of unrelenting torment and an extra 15 minutes added to getting up rituals spent futilely pumping enough drugs and various homeopathic remedies into our bodies until we feel we can connect with the outside world.

We decided to hold on to this condition even for the duration of the maiden episode of Charlie Brooker‘s new vehicle which broadcasts tonight on Channel 4. That’s how brave we are.

For the dwindling percentage of you who are unaware of who this burgeoning legend is, we shall spoil you with a quick biography. Charlie began as a writer for PC Zone, the best (and possibly only) PC gaming mag at the time. Via various other endeavours including a website called TVGoHome he ended up as a columnist for The Guardian with a TV review section called Screen Burn.

This and his similarly named BBC4 show Screenwipe sees him scouring the airwaves for poor television and pulling it apart with his incisive and merciless wit. However, unlike us lowlifes, he precludes himself from the “oh it’s easy to criticise but not so easy to do” whiny bollocks because he does actually craft TV programmes too. He co-wrote Nathan Barley with Chris Morris, and was the creator of E4′s Big-Brother-zombie-horror-mini-series Dead Set.

His new show, You Have Been Watching, is somewhat of a departure from the norm for him then as it’s a quiz/panel type show. Not entirely. As the title might suggest, Charlie and his guests watch clips from current television programmes and critique them, and occasionally they might answer questions on them. Charlie provides his trademark polemic voiceovers during the clips which are very much in the style of Screenwipe, so you can rest assured that he hasn’t strayed too far from home.

His guests on tonight’s show are Richard Herring, Jamelia, and Rufus Hound. Funnily enough, the show was originally scheduled to be pre-watershed, but unfortunately the low cut of Jamelia’s top pushed it right back to 10pm. She may strike one as an odd choice for a panel otherwise occupied by comedians, but the girl done good (she did ok).

Tonight’s episode is worth watching for the clips of Deadliest Warrior if nothing else, that and so you can find out what a ‘one show face’ is.

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