rich - HecklerSpray

Angelina Jolie Will Cry If Kids Become Normal, Like Your Boring, Settled Children

December 21st, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie, ?has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND?CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

You’ll Be Thrilled To Learn That Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt’s Mum No Longer Loathe Each Other

November 10th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Are you one of these people who hates their mother-in-law? Good. You probably deserve it for picking such a lousy partner in the first place. Seriously. What were you thinking? Were you that desperate for a ride?

Anyhoo, one person who has had bother with their other-half’s mum is Angelina Jolie. It’s fair to say she’s not desperate for a shag. She could pretty much shag anyone she wanted.

Jolie hasn’t seen eye-to-eye with Brad Pitt’s mother because Brad Pitt’s mother is an overbearing weapon who likes sticking her oar in. Of course, Jolie is an opinionated, jealous lunatic, so it wasn’t ever going to be pretty.

Brad Pitt Caught Smoking By His Judgemental, Pious Children

October 31st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Brad Pitt smokes. That’s because smoking is cool. Disagree? Let’s put it this way – there’s millions of women and men who would not think twice about cheating on you, with him. That’s because he’s cool. Much, much cooler than you.

Of course, everytime anyone lights up a cigarette, there’s hoards of people ready to leap out and say “YOU SMOKE I CHOKE! YOU SMOKE I CHOKE!“, but they slope off to their sterile houses, alone. Wankless. Reheated pasta bake. Sighing at a documentary on Radio 4.

Either way, Brad Pitt is a smoker and his children are giving him a hard time, despite the fact he’s a) Providing for them in a way that they should be eternally grateful for and b) much harder than then, so they should shut their damn mouths because he could TOTALLY have them in a fight.

Angelina Jolie Spends ?1300 In 15 Minutes While Thinking Of All The Suffering In The World

September 2nd, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Angelina Jolie is quite often at the front of charitable causes, giving us the plead-eye so we give our scant pennies to whatever plight she’s decided to pose before. It’s all very fulfilling being Brad Pitt’s other half.

And while she works for the UN and pouts at starving children, she also likes to blow loads of money on tat.

While visiting a shop in London, the actress forked out ?1,300 in 15 minutes. Probably on clothes made by infant hands in sweatshops.

Facebook Founder Teams Up With Bill Gates For Charity

December 15th, 2010 By Kris Silver

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is apparently a really nice guy. Him and some of his nerdy mates have pledged to give all their stupidly vast fortunes away to noble causes either during their lifetimes or after their death.

Presumably this is so we all forget all the data and privacy problems Facebook has been plagued with recently, plus the way Zuckerberg was portrayed as the world's biggest bell-end in David Fincher?s film, The Social Network.

Bill Gates, the lord of the geeks and former one man bank came up with the scheme to get the obscenely wealthy to say they?ll give their billions away at some point down the line to benefit the less fortunate, with his wife Melinda and some fella named Warren Buffett (who we're reliably informed is some sort of investment banker, you know, like Chris Bates from the Apprentice).

Harry Potter’s Emma Watson Pukes At How Grotesquely Wealthy She Is

November 2nd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Are you gearing yourself up to watch Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1? A lot of you have spent a lot of money watching the films of the children’s fantasy books, making the actors on the franchise very wealthy indeed!

And now, Emma Watson wants to tell us about her riches. A few years ago, when she was 17 or 18 (aka, the time when people stopped feeling quite so guilty about the impure thoughts they’d had about her) when her dad sat her down for ‘The Chat’.

Of course, when our parents sit us down to have ‘The Chat’ with us, it usually involves condom advice… however, when you’re Emma Watson, it involves your parents telling you how puke-inducingly wealthy you’ve become.

Justin Bieber Earns So Much Money That He’s Very Likely To Lose His Mind

October 5th, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

Are you a teenager? Do you remember being a teenager? Those long, idle days of slouching in bus-stops, wishing you were old enough to get in the pubs and the crushing headaches of sniffing solvents while taking an earphone each of the music player. Being a teen is rubbish.

Teenage problems all revolve around money. You’ve not enough to get stoned every day, you don’t have enough to move out so you can have sex with all those people who reside in your mind – available, willing and begging for constant sex. Stealing fivers from your mum’s purse and working shitty jobs that require you to work when you should be out, fancy free with loose feet.

Unless, of course, you’re Justin Bieber.

JK Rowling Earns £5 Every Second, Also Global Resentment

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

You know that time you had a protracted two-hour argument with your girlfriend about the hoovering? JK Rowling earnt £36,000 during that.

And you know that poo you did this morning? The one you bit off prematurely because you were in a rush? JK Rowling earnt enough money to buy two Playstations and a week in a Greek villa during that. It’s just been announced, you see, that JK Rowling is the richest author on the planet, earning £5 a second.

So even just then, when you recoiled in disgust at our graphic description of chopping a poo in half with your sphincter, JK Rowling probably made enough money to go on a three-hour shopping spree at Primark. A shopping spree that ironically would earn JK Rowling enough money to but a nice eight-berth yacht that, if she took on a two-week cruise, would earn her enough money to buy your entire family forever, basically.

Will Smith Fails For Once In His Life (At The ‘Not Earning A Lot Of Money’ Game)

March 24th, 2009 By Ian Dransfield

You have to sympathise with Will Smith – the man has had a rough time recently, having to deal with a constant barrage of claims that he’s an evil Scientologist from the planet Zod, or wherever it is they come from.

Yes, the Fresh Prince has taken most of his time in-between promoting Hancock defending himself from rabid media types hurling these accusations at him.

We at hecklerspray feel very sorry for Will, so we’re starting a ‘Help Will Smith Fund’ where we will collect aluminium cans and sell them at local scrap yards to raise funds to help young Willy defend himself…

What’s that? He earned how much?! Oh. Well sod him then.

Madonna Just About The Universe’s Richest Woman Now

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

It's so easy to become richer than your wildest dreams – all you need is a mockney husband, a giant glittery crucifix and a ghastly purple leotard that shows off your old lady's tumpsy in more detail than anyone really wanted.

As far as we can tell, that's been Madonna's trick, and it seems to have done OK for her – a Forbes survey has declared that Madonna is the richest woman in music, earning about $72 million a year.

Ask yourself this, though – does all that money make Madonna happy? Yes, of course it does. But does it make her look less wrinkled and veiny? No is does not. Ergo we win.