Spice Girls fans! Rejoice in your wasted lives because it seems like the Spice Girls are coming back! …Again.
Former Spicer Geri Halliwell, famous for such solo hits as ‘Mi Perro Latino’, about a latin dog and the one where she was dead in the video, has claimed that the Spice Girls could be due for another money-spinning reunion.
Actually, that’s totally unfair. While most groups end up reuniting out of a love of crack cocaine and cold hard cash, the Spice Girls appear to be coming out of retirement to celebrate the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.
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Pedestrian noodle-rockers, Pink Floyd, are going to stop bickering pointlessly with each other just long enough to play some music together because, clearly, someone in the ranks is feeling the pinch of a giant mortgage payment.
That, or they’re just too needy for huge amounts of cloying sycophancy which will inevitably greet each week-long guitar solo and muted fart they do.
So what’s the craic then?
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S Club 7 were good weren’t they? They all danced around in a line, singing about reaching for stars, wearing white and making everyone with ears wish they’d be born deaf. Still, idiots everywhere bought their music until 2003 when they broke up under a cloud of sheer indifference.
Since then, the only member you’re likely to remember is Jo..erm.. thingy who went on Big Brother and participated in some racist bullying alongside Jade Goody or maybe you remember Rachel Stevens because she was the good looking one and that’s all that really matters at the end of the day.
So, when they saw the recent comeback success of similar white wearing band Steps, they all got together and decided they’d quite like to cash in on this, regardless of whether you like it or not.
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2011 is the Chinese Year of the Rabbit but don’t let this complete non-sequitur put you off. Musically, this year has seen an alarming trend of bands reforming for reunion gigs. Or putting things into perspective; one final payday so they don’t have to remortgage the houses and get day jobs in motorway service stations. Where they may, or may not, sell cuddly rabbits.
There has been no shortage of bands announcing their triumphant return to the musical arena. Only yesterday, brotherly duo Orbital released a list of UK dates, though to their credit they are releasing a new album, but hopes aren’t high after hearing new single “Never.” It’s free for reason.
One band however decided to buck the trend of 2011 and called it a day. Poor REM, after appearing on Sesame Street nobody took them seriously. It was almost like people bought their records because Kermit the Frog threatened to butcher Miss Piggy’s insides following their appearance [That's not the right show - Ed.]. Nobody was bothered by the news, but it’s emerged that the split has been on the cards. Just ask Thom Yorke.
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The big news amongst balding 40 year-olds is that the Stone Roses are going to reform. There’s a press conference imminent and everyone has got their hopes up again… just like they get their hopes up everytime someone mutters the word ‘reunion’.
Of course, around Manchester and its satellite towns, you have to silently mouth the words ‘Stone Roses Reunion’ in the same way dog-owners have to avoid saying ‘walkies’ to a dog. The excitement in both camps is equally giddy and urinatory.
And handily for the Stone Roses, save a bit of IRA sponsored building regeneration, Manchester hasn’t changed much since they split. For ON THE EIGHT DAY, GOD CREATED MANCHESTER NOSTALGIA!
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Back in the late 90s, you couldn’t move for Steps. The sexually androgynous fivesome were on every TV show going, polluting people’s eyes with their garish costumes and annoyingly catchy dance moves.
Although they were generally held accountable for the music charts breakdown, and the antithesis of how well music was doing after that dreadful New Romantic nonsense in the 80s, they were great.
People with sense (read: liked Nirvana and “proper music”, as well as people who use air quotes) hated them because they were uncomplicated bubblegum pop, and spawned a whole legion of imitators that wanted to get children begging their parents for whatever corporate product they were shilling that month. Can anyone remember A*Teens and the allegedly IRA-sponsored B*witched? If you were in a band, you needed to have an asterisk in your name. It became de rigeur to not spell things the correct way. Maybe they couldn’t credit fans with the correct spelling.
Maybe they were all just outrageously dyslexic.
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Remember the halcyon days when Westlife were a five-piece. They all looked so perfect in photographs with their highlighted curtains and work-sweaters from River Island. They really were the most refreshing thing to get off a stool in pop since GG Allin.
Then, the band went all off-balance when, unfathomably, Brian McFadden decided to go ‘indie’, which actually meant growing a bit of a beard, wearing a parka and… well… still peddling turgid, plodding pop music. Westlife, of course, continued doing exactly the same as before (which actually means, ‘doing as they were told’) and set about becoming the most earnest entertainers in the history of mankind.
BUT WAIT! Is McFadden going to rejoin Westlife? Have they seen Robbie’s reunion with Take That and thought ‘Hey! That’s a really clever, cynical marketing ploy to shift a few more tickets and albums! Provided Brian doesn’t do that rape song…’? Read More >>>
The Darkness, they were an odd band weren’t they? Operating around the period of 2003/2004, it was a time when indie music was at a low with bands getting signed more on their fashion sense than musical ability. If you could pull off the skinny jeans and hat look, then you were on to a winner. And hailed from somewhere “trendy” like Camden.
Instead of targeting the traditional market of angst ridden teenagers, The Darkness decided that they’d bring back the seventies in to everybody’s lives. Did we want that? Not particularly. Hair metal and over the top antics weren’t that exciting.
A few people took interest in the band with the majority of the fanbase being elderly people having a mid life crisis and reverting back to their youth. The band split in 2006 and five years later, they’ve returned with threats of a new album and touring.
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