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Tom Cruise Returns To Finish Oprah Off

by Stuart Heritage

Few moments are as iconic as when Tom Cruise jumped all over Oprah Winfrey’s couch in 2005 – and by ‘iconic’ we obviously mean ‘nightmarishly creepy’.

But, really, Tom Cruise’s appearance on Oprah left so many important questions unanswered. Questions like ‘What’s going on?’, ‘Does Tom Cruise honestly believe that this is good for his career?’, ‘Why am I watching Oprah?’, ‘What happened to my self-respect?’ and ‘I’m so alone. Why am I so very alone?’

Well now those questions are about to be answered, because Tom Cruise is about to spectacularly return to Oprah in a two-part special starting next week. It’s literally going to be the greatest television event starring two raging, power-crazed egotists ever broadcast exclusively to an audience of lazy housewives and housebound alcoholics. Ever.

Few moments are as iconic as when Tom Cruise jumped all over Oprah Winfrey's couch in 2005 - and by 'iconic' we obviously mean 'nightmarishly creepy'. But, really, Tom Cruise's appearance on Oprah left so many important questions unanswered. Questions like 'What's going on?', 'Does Tom Cruise honestly believe that this is good for his career?', 'Why am I watching Oprah?', 'What happened to my self-respect?' and 'I'm so alone. Why am I so very alone?' Well now those questions are about to be answered, because Tom Cruise is about to spectacularly return to Oprah in a two-part special starting next week. It's literally going to be the greatest television event starring two raging, power-crazed egotists ever broadcast exclusively to an audience of lazy housewives and housebound alcoholics. Ever.
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Britney Spears Returns To How I Met Your Mother

by Paul Sorrenti

The all singing, all dancing, bald umbrella-wielding straw-dog of the worlds media, Britney Spears, is all set to re-plaster her face across the ever-stretching, mind-sucking abyss of America’s TV screens.

You will once again get to look back at her and respond to what she says and does, as if she were actually in your front room with you!

Imagine that. All you need do is squint and someone as famous as Britney Spears will be hanging out with a dirty, little, scum-sucking prole like you – as if it were the most natural thing in the world!

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Britney Spears To Become How I Met Your Mother Regular?

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears made a huge impression on the set of How I Met Your Mother, and not just because she rubbed her vagina against a plywood set wall until she wore a hole in it.

In fact, since Britney Spears a) gave How I Met Your Mother its highest-ever ratings and b) managed to get through her entire cameo without puking directly into Doogie Houser’s eyes, the show’s producers have come up with a brainwave.

They want Britney Spears to be on How I Met Your Mother all the time. No joke.

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Eva Mendes Out Of Rehab, She’ll Be Back

by Stuart Heritage

We can’t overstate how selfish Eva Mendes is being at the moment – what sort of self-respecting celebrity quietly goes off to rehab instead of having a massive teary public breakdown?

And what’s more, it turns out that Eva Mendes has left rehab without immediately trying to validate her stay by combing over every single tiny personal blip she’s ever experienced to a number of glossy magazines. The bitch!

However, Eva Mendes isn’t through with rehab yet – reports suggest that she’s only left temporarily. But that doesn’t answer any of our questions, like why Eva Mendes was even in rehab to begin with, or how long her break from rehab will last or if agreeing to star in Ghost Rider was a direct consequence of being hammered on a shitload of drugs. These are the big questions, people.

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EastEnders Gets Byankker Back

by Stuart Heritage

Since leaving EastEnders in 1999, Patsy Palmer has become one of the most famous human beings on Earth thanks to her red-raw, groundbreaking performances in Patsy Palmer’s Ibiza Workout and that reality TV show about sad dogs.

But even though Patsy Palmer’s workout DVD/ dog show-based career has seen her get deified by all of the world’s religious leaders and effectively bring an end to the Middle East crisis by herself with an innovative mixture of three-legged dogs and full-arm squat-thrusts to copyright-free dance music, Patsy Palmer has decided to return to her roots with an announcement that she’ll become an EastEnders cast-member again early next year.

Oh, you know, Patsy Palmer. The ginger one. Played Bianca. Shouted a lot. Google her or something.

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