We’ve missed Phil Spector. Like many people we see him as the lesbian-haired wobbly old uncle who nobody trusts around women that we never had.

And that’s why we should all be greeting the retrial of Phil Spector over the alleged murder of Lana Clarkson like the celebration it is. For the next few months we get to go over all of Phil Spector’s greatest hits – the funny hair, the driver who he apparently confessed the murder to, the endless scientific discussions about bullet trajectory, the funny hair. The funny hair. And that all starts right now.

Well, OK, not right now. The second crack at the Phil Spector murder trial was set to begin yesterday, but it couldn’t because a juror fell over in the car park and broke his foot, forcing a postponement. Remember that if Phil Spector is found guilty of murder he’ll be given life in jail. So probably about a fortnight at this rate.

Ever since the Phil Spector murder trial collapsed in on itself last year, we’ve felt like a part of us was missing. You know, the scary part with the terrible hair, the voice that sounds like an ancient version of Sylvester The Cat having a stroke and the unsettling tendency to point guns at women.

We’ve been engulfed in a wave of uncertainty ever since. Did Phil Spector shoot Lana Clarkson in the face because she wouldn’t sleep with him? Did Lana Clarkson kill herself because she was depressed? Could Phil Spector’s haircuts physically get any gayer? Do we really have to go through everything again?

Apparently we do. It’s been just over a year since the Phil Spector murder trial ended with a deadlocked jury, and the time inbetween has been spent regrouping for the retrial. Both the prosecution and the defence have hunkered down, reflected on their respective weaknesses and assessed where to go in for the kill next time around.

And since yesterday was the first day of the Phil Spector murder trial redux, we were eager to see what had changed. Had Phil Spector’s choice to pick a more streamlined defence been a wise one? Has he finally worked out a decent response for that time he said that all women were ‘fucking cunts’ who deserved to be shot in the head? Would his decision to grow a new haircut that makes him look like Liam Gallagher in a rainstorm win him support, or yet more mockery?

The truth is, we just don’t know – apart from the last one, obviously (the answer is ‘yet more mockery’) – because on the way into the court to start the first day of the new Phil Spector murder trial, one of the jurors tripped over and broke his foot. The Press Association reports:

Music producer Phil Spector’s murder retrial was held up on its first day after a juror fell in the court car park and broke his foot. Superior Court Judge Larry Fidler said he spoke to the juror, who wanted to get medical attention and return on Monday.

It’s frustrating, we know, but both sides of this case now have a perfect opportunity to take this weekend to really intensify their courtroom tactics. The prosecution will no doubt be redoubling its efforts to claim that women don’t just shoot themselves in the face in the doorway of a sexually-aggressive midget’s house without taking their handbags off first.

And as for Phil Spector’s defence? Well, it won’t exactly hurt to make his hair a little bit more lesbiany again. It’s what the people want.

We’d just like to take this opportunity to apologise to anyone who’d emotionally invested in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.

If this is the case we’d like to make a two-part apology. 1) We’re sorry you’re an idiot and 2) you’ve obviously wasted your time, because not even anyone involved in the Britney Spears hit and run trial had any emotional investment in the Britney Spears hit and run trial.

Yesterday, after the jurors took twice as long as the length of the trial itself to decide that they didn’t know if Britney Spears was guilty of hit and run or not, the judge officially called a mistrial. What’s more, nobody can be bothered to go through a retrial, so Britney Spears is in the clear. Don’t get us wrong – everyone wanted a retrial, but they had more urgent things to do, like repeatedly bashing their head on a desk and weeping.

If the OJ Simpson murder trial was the trial of the century, then that must make the Britney Spears hit and run trial the trial of possibly some of yesterday. Dealing with the heinous crime of slowly dinging another car and walking away, the Britney Spears hit and run trial literally monopolised the attention of a handful of people with nothing better to do.

There were thrills – like when Britney Spears’ father told the court that Britney didn’t need a California driver’s license because she didn’t live in California. There were spills – like when the prosecution told Britney’s dad that she did too live in California and that Britney’s dad was a big fat poostick (we’re paraphrasing).

And, most importantly, there were ills – like when the jury couldn’t work out if Britney Spears was guilty or not even though they’d spent three entire days arguing over something of such little importance that, at worst, Britney Spears would have had to pay a fine equivalent to what she earns in about 10 minutes.

Because of this chronic inability to reach a unanimous decision, the judge has decided to call a mistrial on the whole shebang – a move that was met with a great big shrug. E! Online reports:

City prosecutors have announced that they will not retry the pop star in the wake of her mistrial. “I talked to the foreman, and while I was troubled by the jurors’ outside impressions, I won’t ask the court to retry the case,” Deputy City Attorney Michael Amerian told the court. The case has been formally dismissed.

As pointless as this entire exercise has been, at least everyone can get on with their lives now – Britney Spears can continue her resurgent pop career, the court can return to doing things that are actually important and the jurors can now all go and write their obligatory trial memoirs, titles of which will include I’m An Idiot, Indecisive Twit and The First Time I Wrote This Book I Was Just Hammering My Fingers On An Upside-Down Biscuit Tin Because I Thought It Was A Typewriter.

The main point, though, is that Britney Spears gets away without a criminal record. Her character is completely unblemished – you know, apart from all those rehab stints and public meltdowns and battles with mental illness and repeated examples of her bad motherhood and bald head and everything. Apart from those, Britney’s a saint.