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Joaquin Phoenix Retirement Video Easily The Best Thing Ever

March 24th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

When Joaquin Phoenix announced his retirement from acting, we have a hunch that he expected wailing, anguish and possibly a national day of mourning.

That’s not exactly what happened, though. Instead, what Joaquin Phoenix got was one slightly incredulous man in a suit who quickly collapsed into slightly unprofessional fits of helpless giggles upon hearing the news. And, as we all know, since Joaquin Phoenix has never done a single humorous thing in his entire life, the news didn’t go down particularly well.

We’ve got the incredible video footage of Joaquin Phoenix announcing his retirement from acting to the world’s least caring man after the jump. It’s funny, but be warned – if the apathetic reaction causes Joaquin Phoenix to reverse his decision and sign up for a sequel to The Village, we’re going to hunt that giggling man down like a dog.

Phil Collins Retires From Everything

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

This might come as a shock to those of you who thought that Phil Collins had already retired, but here goes – Phil Collins has just retired.

At yesterday’s Ivor Novello Awards, where we assume he won the Baldest Man To Have His Career Partially Resuscitated By A Drumming Monkey award, Phil Collins emotionally announced that he was retiring from the limelight to focus on raising his two young sons in Switzerland.

So now we’ll have to get used to a world without Phil Collins – a world where bad Disney cartoons about bears are left without a soundtrack, a world where Buster 2 will never materialise, and a world where both Noel Edmonds and Jeremy Clarkson will mope about in a fug of perpetual misery forever. So it’s not all bad, then.

Victoria Beckham To Never Ever Sing Ever Again

March 25th, 2009 By Stuart Heritage

Fans of Victoria Beckham’s 2002 number 6 smash hit A Mind Of Its Own, if you exist, prepare yourselves for the worst.

You’re never going to see Victoria Beckham perform that live again. Or any of her other two solo singles. Or any songs by any other human in the history of music. Victoria Beckham, you see, has formally retired from music.

It’s not really a surprise – money-grabbing Spice Girls reunion tours aside, Victoria Beckham has only used her voice to babble on relentlessly about herself in an infuriating hairdresser monotone for the past five years ago. But at least Victoria Beckham has made it official, leaving her free to concentrate on her arduous day job. We’ll get back to you when we know what that actually is.

Jenna Jameson Quits Porn

March 31st, 2009 By Paul Sorrenti

Yes, you read it right the first time single fellas and lesbians; Jenna Jameson, that great Comrade of the Cock – the Velociraptor of the Vulva – has broken off the unwritten agreement she had with your – nay, the world's – right hand.

The 34-year-old veteran made the announcement at the AVN (Adult Video News) Awards in Las Vegas on Saturday.