In a recent interview with Rolling Stone, Phil Collins showed that music isn’t exactly his primary passion. His big love is the Alamo and he’s got rooms and rooms filled with old army tat, which he probably dresses up in, silently crying and trying to figure out why everyone hates him so.
Of course, Phil isn’t an evil man at all, as shown when he bravely spoke out against child abuse with the hugely successful ‘Nonce Sense’ campaign, also backed by such luminaries as Gary Lineker and Dr Fox.
And so, with such a busy life, Collins has decided to quit the music industry, leaving everyone to consider a long bleak future which contains absolutely zero releases of Motown covers by a tiny bald man with hearing difficulties.
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When Joaquin Phoenix announced his retirement from acting, we have a hunch that he expected wailing, anguish and possibly a national day of mourning.
That’s not exactly what happened, though. Instead, what Joaquin Phoenix got was one slightly incredulous man in a suit who quickly collapsed into slightly unprofessional fits of helpless giggles upon hearing the news. And, as we all know, since Joaquin Phoenix has never done a single humorous thing in his entire life, the news didn’t go down particularly well.
We’ve got the incredible video footage of Joaquin Phoenix announcing his retirement from acting to the world’s least caring man after the jump. It’s funny, but be warned – if the apathetic reaction causes Joaquin Phoenix to reverse his decision and sign up for a sequel to The Village, we’re going to hunt that giggling man down like a dog.
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This might come as a shock to those of you who thought that Phil Collins had already retired, but here goes – Phil Collins has just retired.
At yesterday’s Ivor Novello Awards, where we assume he won the Baldest Man To Have His Career Partially Resuscitated By A Drumming Monkey award, Phil Collins emotionally announced that he was retiring from the limelight to focus on raising his two young sons in Switzerland.
So now we’ll have to get used to a world without Phil Collins – a world where bad Disney cartoons about bears are left without a soundtrack, a world where Buster 2 will never materialise, and a world where both Noel Edmonds and Jeremy Clarkson will mope about in a fug of perpetual misery forever. So it’s not all bad, then.
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