True, Angelina Jolie may have only hinted at an eventual retirement some time in the future, and only because fame no longer provides the same spiritual nourishment as raising a family or being committed to charitable work. Nevertheless, the message is clear – Angelina Jolie is quitting acting because Jennifer Aniston called her uncool this week.

Great, that’s just what we need – a power-crazed Jennifer Aniston. Now that she knows what can happen when she deploys the word ‘uncool’, we doubt very much that she’ll stop at Angelina Jolie. All we’ll say is this – don’t be surprised if Vince Vaughn suddenly decides to retire from acting as well or if, you know, Brad Pitt develops a horrible wasting disease on his penis. Or something.

Today hasn’t been deemed an international day of mourning just yet, but give it time. Angelina Jolie has decided that she’s probably going to retire from acting at some point in the future, and that’s probably the worst news we’ve ever heard in our entire lives.

After all, who’ll star in all the moronic movies about tattooed women who shoot cars until they explode and little worthy Oscar-baiting movies about beautiful women who fight against serious real-world issues? What’s that? Milla Jovovich and Charlize Theron respectively? Oh.

But anyway, that doesn’t detract from the fact that Angelina Jolie is retiring from acting. Probably. One day. Probably. People reports:

“I don’t plan to keep acting very long… I’m ready to do a few things now and fade away and get ready to be a grandma one day. I won’t work again probably for another year. So maybe it’ll be once a year, then maybe it’ll be once every three years. I’m not so worried that I want to keep this pace up and try to be something and be a celebrity and be a successful actress forever.”

You see? Angelina Jolie knows that there’s more to life than being an actress – like curing diseases in poverty-stricken African nations, or drawing attention to the unthinkable plight of the world’s refugees, or seeing the magic in a child’s smile. Plus making films is boring, and now she can stay rich and famous forever because Brad Pitt got her pregnant a couple of times.

But why now? Why has Angelina Jolie announced her retirement from acting now? It’s simple. It’s because – by calling her uncool earlier this week – Jennifer Aniston managed to get more headlines than Angelina Jolie, and the only thing Angelina Jolie could do to wrestle them back was to say that she might quit acting one day.

This was a dangerous move, because it means that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are now locked into a quickly-escalating spiral of death for headlines that nobody will be able to survive. You see, now Jennifer Aniston will try and top Angelina’s announcement – perhaps by getting married this weekend – and then Angelina Jolie will have to come back with something even more sensational. So, to save everyone some time, here are the next three months of headlines we can expect from Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston:

ANGELINA JOLIE: I’M ADOPTING AGAIN

JENNIFER ANISTON: YEAH? WELL I’M PREGNANT

ANGELINA JOLIE: I’VE GROWN A PENIS

JENNIFER ANISTON: I’VE GROWN TWO PENISES AND A LOVELY SET OF BALLS

ANGELINA JOLIE: I USED TO BE ADDICTED TO HEROIN

JENNIFER ANISTON: I KILLED A MAN WHILE DRINK DRIVING AND I DON’T EVEN REGRET IT

ANGELINA JOLIE: I’VE CURED AIDS WITH MY BARE HANDS AND CAN TRACE MY BLOODLINE DIRECTLY TO JESUS

JENNIFER ANISTON: EVERYONE LOOK! LOOK AT ME! I’M STANDING ON TOP OF A CHURCH IN A CROWDED SQUARE AND I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL BLOW MY OWN BRAINS OUT UNLESS ALL OF YOU LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME NOW! I’LL BLOODY DO IT!

Etc.

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Starring himself and a whole host of people who appeared solely to boost their ‘caring profile’, Bono told us that ‘every time I and my mates click their fingers, an African child will die’. There was, of course, a simple solution to this: stop bloody doing it – don’t abuse your weird powers.

Aside from his world-saving duties, Bono likes to occasionally rock out with a little known Irish band called U2. Though named after some awful text speak, critics are saying the band could someday be big, if Bono himself were to shut up telling everyone off all the time and dictating to us, the lowly public, what we should do in life to save the universe.

Thankfully some people want to stop Bono bleating on and have launched a petition to stop him. We’re not sure how they intend to stop him, but hopefully it won’t be by freezing him. This would, of course, leave the possibility open for him to be thawed out in 3000 years. Imagine the unfortunate luck for the poor sods then. And would Bono be able to operate a flying car?

Let’s face it: if God wanted the planet to be saved, he would have enlisted the help of someone by now. That someone would most likely be Captain Planet. Remember that bluey-green git? He probably made an appearance at your school when you were little, though you probably missed him due to being sick from evil smoke fumes. Failing that, you watched him on TV doing battle against smog from Middlesbrough, greenhouses gases and those plastic rings from beer cans that fish stupidly get caught in.

It would seem, however, that the time hasn’t yet arrived for a green haired bloke to save the world from warming up and making sure polar bears don’t fall in to the sea, or get loose on the Lost island.

So why has Bono decided to do Captain Planet’s job for him a bit prematurely? Well the answer is simple: when our young Irish lad was watching Cap’s cartoon, he somehow fell over and bumped his head, which clearly triggered some sort of mental illness, making him take on impossible tasks and annoy thousands upon millions of people. ‘Bonoitis’, possibly.

According to the NME, the catchy sounding petition “Bono – retire from public life and we’ll donate a ton of money to fight AIDS” has been launched on thepoint.com. The aim and objectives of this crusade are as follows:

“To get Bono to retire from public life (so he’ll stop leading misguided counter-productive philanthropy efforts) and, simultaneously to make a huge donation to fight AIDS.”

Ace – that’s a win for everyone then. Bono gets to bugger off and do some crap records, while at the same time bundles of money get thrown to AIDS charities. But is everything that easy? Of course it isn’t. Despite raising a small amount of cash so far, which is sure to grow, the money will only be donated depending on the success of the campaign. We’re presuming that ’success’ is nothing less then actual retirement from the public eye for Bono.

Hmm… if it’s that easy to start online petitions then exciting and crazy thoughts are going through our heads. We’ll donate our weekly lunch money total to anyone who can persuade Chris Morris to come in from the wilderness and make us laugh again. Because lets face it, people like Lenny Henry make us want to cry and burn down Premier Travel Inns.

Sign The Petition If You Want:
Make Bono History