Stalkers of genuinely interesting people who warrant obsessive behaviour were thought to be applauding the actions of Thomas Brodnicki last night, as the aforementioned botherer of Selena Gomez asked for permanent, legally-binding non-contact with a woman few people have actually heard of.
There had apparently been genuine fear amongst the terrifying community of medicated borderline-schizophrenics that their actions would be belittled if someone were to grab headlines for stalking somebody virtually-unknown.
Fortunately Thomas has recently requested that the temporary restraining order granted against him last year be extended indefinitely, presumably to prevent him from the further embarrassment of pestering someone non-famous as all his mental friends mock him with infra-red images of the inside of Angelina Jolie’s house and long-lens footage of Daniel Craig tea-bagging Rachel Weisz. We imagine.
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We’ve long enjoyed stalking celebrities in their homes. It gives us not only a sense of knowing the celebrity that little bit more, but also, a sense of achievement. Ever scaled an electrified security fence covered in vandal grease and then sneaked through a tiny lavatory window undetected? You haven’t lived.
Sadly though, the vandal paint provides an excellent tracking system as dirty great footprints chart your progress to-and-from the knicker drawer.
And we’ve found this out to our expense again as ‘scribe Dep. Ed., Michael Park has once again been arrested outside Paris Hilton’s Hollywood Hills home in Malibu. We’ve give the exact address but we’re hoarding it for ourselves and giving to it Michael as a gift on his release. We’ve also got a picture of Michael’s arrest for your delectation.
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We may well think of Lindsay Lohan as a jewel thief, booze-hoover and sometime thespian, but really, we should think of her as a piece of legal furniture. So frequently has LiLo been involved with matters of the law, that she’s probably the most qualified person in the USA when it comes to a person’s rights.
And now, she’s back in the world of lawyers and such as she takes her stalker to task.
She’s won too! Yup, Lohan has bagged a nice restraining order against her stalker, David Cocordan, after he ill-advisedly flooded her phone with text messages (how did he get her number?) and kept showing up at her house.
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Here’s some good news – New Lindsay Lohan has regressed. Long live Old Lindsay Lohan. Or New Old Lindsay Lohan.
Or something. Anyway, Lindsay Lohan is brilliant again. Hooray! Just a few days after she was hauled to court, Lindsay Lohan has regressed again and apparently decided to take a restraining order out against her father in case he decides to kidnap her. It’s just like the good old days!
Although let’s just pray that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t keep regressing too much – if she regresses back to her childhood then she’ll start making films that aren’t terrible again, and where’s the fun in that?
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Kirsten Dunst used to bump uglies with Johnny Borrell, so she knows a thing or two about unbearably dirty-looking nobsacks.
And what’s Unbearably Dirty-Looking Nobsack Lesson One? That you don’t let them near you. That’s why Kirsten Dunst has just got restraining order against Christopher Smith, a man who was allegedly caught trespassing on her property.
Now everyone’s happy. Kirsten Dunst no longer has to live in fear, and Christopher Smith can just start stalking things that remind him of Kirsten Dunst, like a drunk horse that’s fallen face-first down a giant flight of concrete stairs or something.
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Now he’s been pegged as Hollywood’s leading creepily insincere sci-fi nutjob, Tom Cruise needs all the fans he can get.
Unless, you know, those fans keep turning up at his house without permission because they’re fanatical veterans’ rights activists with a history of psychiatric issues who keep shutting down freeways by allegedly waving flags and guns around.
That’s bad news for Edward Van Tassel – he’s exactly that, and he’s been given a restraining order forcing him to stay away from Tom Cruise. Phew, that was close – it’s a good job these mentally ill gun-toting rogue soldiers respect court orders so diligently, eh?
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Alyssa Milano is still quite famous. Don’t argue the point – just trust us here.
Not only did she star as Tony Danza‘s midget lover on the eighties sitcom Hey You Guys, Who Is The Boss Here?, but more recently she was also in some show where she played the ghost of Shannon Doherty or something.
We thought we might have some of those details wrong, but on review everything actually looks pretty accurate. Possibly.
But just because we don’t remember the specifics doesn’t mean nobody does – one fan, for instance, just walked miles and miles through some woods to try to force an in-house meeting with her.
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Despite all the endless boneheaded kerfuffle over it, Peter Cook’s big 20/20 interview about Christie Brinkley hasn’t actually been broadcast yet.
The interview is to be broadcast tonight – a fact which has got Christie Brinkley into a flap. Christie Brinkley has tried to take a restraining order out against Peter Cook because he’s due to have their children this weekend, and she’s worried that he’ll spend that entire weekend showing them his interview.
But a judge has rejected the restraining order, partly because Peter Cook plans to take the children on a trip this weekend. But what Christie Brinkley doesn’t know is that the trip is to the television department of an electrical goods store, where the children will see their father explaining what a cold-hearted witch their mother is on 50 giant HDTV screens at once, and all in crystal-clear surround sound. Eat that, Uptown Girl!
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