People who believe in politics are idiots. Or, if you prefer, ‘politicians’. Every single person in politics deserves to be treated with absolute contempt, regardless of what side of the fence they sit on.

And Michele Bachmann is no exception.

This is something The Roots felt when they struck up the band on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon show, of which Bachmann was a guest. They played her a song which wasn’t exactly kind to her, but seeing as she’s sub-human, we really don’t need to worry about that. Of course, there’s a video of said song over the jump.

We imagine there’ll be people who are outraged that The Roots played Fishbone’s ‘Lyin’ Ass Bitch’ when Bachmann grinned her way vacantly to the stage, but those folks are idiots too.

See, why anyone on Earth would look at someone in politics and say “Yeah! They’re representing me! I’m going to defend them to the hilt!” is beyond reasoning. Politicians are greedy, upwardly mobile swine who have mastered the dark art of feigning trustworthiness.

Of course, on closer inspection, Bachmann is stupider and viler than most. She’s one of these right wingers who believes in God. Yes really. She talks to her imaginary friend and says things like:

“I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’”

She also once said, without any trace of irony:

“But the Lord says, ‘Be submissive wives; you are to be submissive to your husbands.”

You love her don’t you? You think this regressive nitwit is the bee’s knees don’t you? You probably hate Jimmy Fallon and The Roots for referring to her as a ‘Lyin’ Ass Bitch’ don’t you? Well, Fallon himself has apologised via twitter, so you can’t be angry at him. He said:

“I’m honored that @michelebachmann was on our show yesterday and I’m so sorry about the intro mess. I really hope she comes back.”

If that’s the case, Questlove and The Roots could play ‘Ain’t No Doubt’ by Jimmy Nail, just for the “she’s lyin’” part. Right?

WRONG.

Questlove has said sorry too.

“The performance was a tongue-in-cheek and spur of the moment decision. The show was not aware of it and I feel bad if her feelings were hurt. That was not my intention”

Of course, he’s a lyin’ ass git as well. He’d already hinted that they were going to stitch Bachmann up on the show. He tweeted, prior to recording the programme:

“aight late night walkon song devotees: you love it when we snark: this next one takes the cake. ask around cause i aint tweeting title.”

Naturally, the has been outrage. Feministing editor Chloe Angyal yelled:

“It’s never acceptable to call a woman a bitch. Period. Challenge Bachmann on the issues all you want, fact check her, call her out on her dishonesty. Do not call her, or anyone else, a bitch.”

But… but… it’s funny! She’s a politician so we should be allowed to call them any name we want! THEY ARE NOT HUMAN!

We’re famous, well-respected bloggers now which means this column is able to be even more irregular and lax than it is at current and you will still have to read it while nodding in agreement with our award-winning opinions on everything from Tulisa’s dental trauma to the death of Berlusconi’s third album of love ballads. How d’you like them apples?

Don’t answer that.

Yes you heard right Berlusconi isn’t just a laughing stock in political and sexual circles, but in the music business too as his latest album is set never to be released. Our ears sagged as we heard the news that due to his stubborn loyalty to attempt to save the world’s poor (by keeping the whores and human traffickers in business), everyone’s favourite Italian stallion is not allowed to unleash his musical vision.

Still, we can’t wait for Eurovision.

Until then we will trawl through the mass of ironic, non-political videos and find you a nice treat for getting to the bottom of this dross, stay tuned it’s going to be fiendishly fabulous you can bet on that and high collars.

It’s not even Hallowe’en anymore, we missed that due to unforeseen laziness, but some horrible videos caused internet sensations last week amongst the vile humans we spend our time with so now it’s your turn to be disgusted by the imaginations of imaginative people.

First though a lovely story from today’s Metro about a man from Manchester who clearly didn’t realise Hallowe’en had ended; it really is that grim up north. The stupid geek with a massive geek collection of geeky Star Wars actions figures killed his wife. He killed his wife because he’s a nerd and because that’s what nerds do when you threaten their collections, to be fair the bitch did destroy the probably valuable collection he had been building since he was 17- he’s now 30 and is going to have a lot of cats when he gets out of jail in 12 years; well… maybe just cat figurines. Now that you’re all shocked and appalled at God’s greatest creation the time is just about right for you to watch these disgusting feats of musical cinema.

If you like hideously pumped up electro that would sound terrible in a club, in your bedroom, your Fiat Punto, or anywhere else that has a sub-woofer then ‘Big Bad Wolf’ by Duck Sauce is the song for you and let’s face it you probably howled with laughter at the most unimaginative and frankly degrading video we’ve seen in approximately ten minutes.  The internet has been whispering about this just enough for you to have heard about it, but not enough for you to pretend you care and feign any knowledge about the significance of a wolf’s head as a man’s penis.

They didn’t even take it to the next level and put Taylor Lautner’s head there: now that would mean something. It would mean something like he’s gay or a cock-muncher or whatever the twelve year olds are saying these days. Currently though it has done nothing but ruin our appetitive and love of the feisty bar owner in Coyote Ugly who assured us that men had toddlers in their pants and not wolves, though it does sort of come full circle.

That wasn’t particularly horrible was it?  It’s more of an annoyingly feeble excuse at controversy, but the French, as usual, have one upped everyone with DYE’s video for ‘Future’ and it’s animated, animation is pleasant and for children is it not?  NO, NO IT’S NOT. DON’T YOU SHOW THIS VIDEO TO YOUR INNOCENTS. Directed by animation wunderkind Jérémie Périn we see some clean, dirty, line drawings getting up to no good in a swimming pool.  They’re kids like you once were, just after a sneaky drink and of course sex, but wait a minute what’s… oh God, please, no, no, it can’t be, surely not, not their genitalia. It’s like the plots of Tremors and Worms (yes, the game) were combined and relocated to your vagina.  Not even the water is nice as it splashes against your screen like little flecks of cum. Everyone dies.

It’s the best advert for abstinence we’ve ever seen. Now you must see it too.

Uhh… sorry.

There are so many horrendous items to choose from on NME’s dedicated video site this week; what to wow you with next was a tough choice or, considering that Nickelback have released new material, the easiest thing in the world ever.

Youtube appears to have gained some sort of standards and we’re really cutting edge so the video for this isn’t available for your eyes yet, but fear not you can watch the lyric video right here in glorious technicolour. 

Not even 30 seconds in and the most overwhelming thought ever is Chad Kroeger, nobody cares enough to check that spelling, has had a hair-cut and possibly plastic surgery on his uncannily smooth face. Resume playing.

It’s only a matter of time until an über-Conservative Presidential Candidate uses this mawkish, obvious bullshit to punctuate a point about kicking the poor in the face. Get excited about that one.

So many still images of soldiers, and the underprivileged, and, er, surfers; couple this with fast tracking shots of the band in a corn field and the line ‘let the drums play on’ and it’s the most hateful video you’ve ever not watched all the way through. Between the outreached hands and cardboard signs reading, “Hope,” this is a song with a message and that message loud and clear is please never listen to this band for fear of shooting yourself in the foot with your loose morals and money.

Did somebody say loose morals and money; codename bunga bunga?

Everything is Italian so we don’t understand exactly what this is, it sure as hell is not Silvio Berlusconi singing (in fact, it might be), but you know, you might enjoy it anyway.

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Kelsey Grammer is a magnificently dislikeable human being. Away from his fine role of Frasier, he supports some real crackpot ideas. He thought George Dubya was a cool guy for a kick-off. Of course, this means he’s nothing like his most famous televisual role.

And it seems that us plebians aren’t the only people who wish he was more like Frasier.

On Piers Morgan’s chatshow (another dolt with a face like a doleful yam), he asked Grammer whether he thought his ex-wife, Camille, married him because he was a TV icon. Kelsey replied: “no, I think she married me because I was Frasier.” He really doesn’t know what to do with those toss salad and scrambled eggs.

And so, what does Grammer think of his ex-wife? Is he nice and magnanimous?

Grammer also told the CNN host that his “parting gift” to his third wife was her role in the reality series “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”

“Whether or not it worked well for her doesn’t matter. It was my way of saying, ‘Look, you always wanted to be famous. Here you go.’ “

And now, after three tumultuous marriages, The Man We Wish Was Frasier says he has at last found true love with his fourth wife, Kayte, who he met in an airport.

“There was a warmth, a glow about her that I was drawn to. And I thought, ‘Boy, I hope she’s on my flight.’ “

Presumably, she doesn’t mind that he’s a Republican. Yep. An actor in Hollywood who is openly right wing.

“I’m a bit of a rebel. I don’t tend to warm too well to people that tell me how I’m supposed to think. So, my life in Hollywood — I’m afraid I was destined to be a Republican.”

And those Tea Bagger nutjobs?

“I’m sympathetic to some of the principles, but I’m not sure that the tea party has behavioural problems, other than the ones that can be identified by people who are inimical to them.”

WAIT!

Hahaha! It doesn’t matter what he says because he sounds like Sideshow Bob! HAHAHAHA!

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Will politicians ever learn? Regardless of what that statement is in relation to, it seems the answer will always be ‘no’. However, one thing they should get through their heads – especially those on the right – is that musicians don’t like it when they use their music.

See, rock ‘n’ roll stars tend to have a lot of friends who right-wingers don’t like. We’re talking about gay people and people who aren’t white here.

And of course, while not every right-wing leaner is a racist or homophobe, sadly, they’re aligned with people who are or, at the very least, really sound like it. And so, when Tom Petty discovered that US presidential candidate Michele Bachmann was using one of his songs, he got into a strop.

Of course, if Tom Petty was any good, this story would be a breeze to write. We could just take his side and that would be that. Sadly, Petty and his Heartbreakers make really, really boring dadrock.

Either way, Bachmann used ‘American Girl’ as her exit music, which saw Petty sending a ‘cease and desist’. This isn’t the first glitch in the Republican’s campaign either. During her announcement speech, the Tea Bagger managed to confused the birthplace of John Wayne with the place that serial killer John Wayne Gacy was born.

That’s just brilliant isn’t it? Since Sarah Palin went quiet, it’s nice to have another nutter knocking around American politics.

And it’s because Bachmann has said things like…

”Not all cultures are equal.”

and

‘Normalization (of homosexuality) through desensitization. Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”

…that seems to stick in Petty’s horribly wrinkled craw. He didn’t have any problem with Democrat candidate Hillary Clinton using the same song. He did take issue with George W Bush using ‘I Won’t Back Down’ at his rallies. After Petty chided him, Dubya ironically backed down.

Bachmann was incredibly naive to think that Perry would be okay with her using his song, especially given that Petty is something of an environmentalist – support such causes. Given that Bachmann’s view on global warming is:

“The big thing we are working on now is the global warming hoax. Its all voodoo, nonsense, hokum, a hoax.”

Perhaps she should stick to country music, eh?

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Poor old Bristol Palin, she’s got a shotgun wielding nutcase of a mother, had a child with a man who has neck so red that it can’t be seen by the naked eye and, unbelievably, she failed to win some shoddy yank spin-off of Strictly Come Dancing.

In what can only be seen as an attempt to desperately claw back some semblance of dignity, dear sweet Brizzle has appeared in a Public Service Announcement for safe sex, alongside none other than Mike, “The Situation,” Sorrentino.

Yes, you did read that correctly, Bristol Palin is promoting safe sex with a man who is named after his own abdomen.

Rather predictably the word situation features heavily in the clip, and not just because the Jersey Shore star tosspot has an IQ that only allows him to repeat the words, “the situation,” over and over again whilst dribbling and staring far off into the distance.

Our intrepid heroes are seen backstage at Dancing With the Stars, talking about how they like to avoid situations whilst having situations because that situation could lead to another situation in which a final, drastically life altering, situation crops up, thereby ruining said original situation.

Get it? Neither do we.

BUT WAIT! That’s not even the most bizarre part of this travesty in the name of public service.

During the PSA we are subjected to the Situation (the numbskull with the flat stomach, not the overall circumstance Palin and Sorrentino find themselves in) trying to get his hands on Bristol’s bristols, only to be told that Palin likes to avoid those situations, because she’s all about the abs…tinence. DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE!?

HAHAHAHAHA!

The more current affairs savvy amongst you will have noticed that this PSA went viral just before the Pope announced that he wasn’t as against condoms as he was last week. It’s hard to say whether Palin and Sorrentino had anything to do with the Vatican’s decision to change its stance, but we here at hecklerspray like to think that the his holiness the Pope wears a What Would the Situation Do? wristband as he struts around Vatican City, with his slicked back hair hidden under his Papal headgear.

For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, here is the B-Palin/Situation Safe Sex PSA in all its farcical glory.

Jesus Wept.

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At this point, it’s fair to say that we’d let a robot dinosaur Hitler win the election if it meant it could all be finished today.

Because, honestly, we know that it’s an important election and all, but it’s turned everyone into stupid screeching partisan bellends. And Exhibit A would be this – at a Sarah Palin rally in Florida yesterday, people not only let Elisabeth Hasselbeck from The View screech on witlessly about politics for 10 entire minutes, but they also actually clapped her at the end.

It just goes to show how much trouble the Republican campaign is in – it’s clear they just let Elisabeth Hasselbeck shriek her worldview to a crowd so that Sarah Palin would look marginally more intelligent in comparison. Let’s hope it worked, because it’s literally impossible to pander to the lowest common denominator any more than that. Well, unless someone gives Jessica Simpson a call, but who’d want that?

You know what’s naused up this election for us? Famous people. It’s a scientifically-proven fact that at any given moment in time, upwards for 50 celebrities are screaming their newfound political opinions, either on TV or in magazines or on the internet or spinning around in their garden like a toddler on E-numbers. The other day we saw a video of Ron Howard shaving his beard off for Barack Obama and it genuinely made us want to throw ourselves off a bridge.

What we’re trying to say is this – if we wanted to hear the political opinions of a badly-educated jumped-up egotistical nincompoop with epic delusions of grandeur, we’d go and stand in front of a mirror for half an hour.

By and large, celebrity endorsement ahead of the election seems to have fallen on the side of Barack Obama, with many of them even complaining if John McCain uses one of their songs. But now it’s time to turn the tide, and the Republicans have got a mighty trick up their sleeves. She might not be as famous as, say, Matt Damon, but this little lady is 10 times as loud, and pound for pound is about 30 times more of an idiot than just about anyone who’s allowed to go on TV. Ladies and gentlemen, Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Everyone knows how much of a fierce conservative Elisabeth Hasselbeck is, because of the skin-melting velocity in which she bellows about it every single morning on The View. Her opinions are so strong that people are guessing that she’ll either quit The View or die of a horrible aneurysm at some point before the election unless something gives.

Neither will probably happen now, though, because yesterday something gave. For some reason that we don’t think we’ll ever understand, the Republican party yesterday let Elisabeth Hasselbeck introduce Sarah Palin at a rally in Florida. And it was like lancing a boil. A big screeching boil that burst in a frequency that only bats can understand and quite often didn’t really seem to know what it was talking about. Oh, go on then, here’s the video…

Did you manage to get all the way through that? Us neither. After about four minutes it started to make us feel like we were trapped inside a metal cave full of piercing rape alarms and screaming babies and we had to abort.

Still, though, at least we know why everyone else on The View constantly tries to shut Elisabeth Hasselbeck up now. We’ve never felt such gratitude towards Whoopi Goldberg.

Okay, so maybe we’re just reacting to Paris Hilton’s new advert as many of our readers react to the sarcasm on these pages – by taking things at face value.

But it would appear that Paris Hilton is indeed running for the presidency of the United States of America. In a video statement released to political hardline site Funny or Die, Hilton responded to the recent campaign ad from John McCain and the Republican party with her own brand of politics.

In the original ad, Paris was likened to Democratic Senator Barack Obama – popular, but ultimately vacuous and easily forgotten (or maybe it was the other way round). It would seem that young miss Hilton didn’t take too kindly to these words and has launched something of a war on the Republican Party, vowing to bring them down if it’s the last thing she does.

Okay, so maybe we’re going a bit overboard – even told a couple of porkie pies. She isn’t trying to bring down the Republican Party. She isn’t actually running for presidency. And Funny or Die isn’t technically a political hardline site.

But she has been involved in a video response, so it’s not all bad news laced with lies.

The video, produced as a direct response to the Republican campaign advert, stars young Paris – and she’s hardly even naked at all, meaning we live in some bizarre world where she can manage to make something that both isn’t a sex tape and is funny. No, instead of committing lewd acts then releasing the video footage for profit, the Simple Life star simply lazes on a sun lounger and puts forth her views on today’s US politics.

Of course, her words come across as if they were completely, totally and utterly written by no one but Paris Hilton herself. No help involved here. No sireee, not with this mastermind at the helm. Definitely. We’d be willing to bet on that.

Alright, so we’re back to lying again.

Nevertheless, the video is quite funny and Paris doesn’t make herself into a complete tit throughout. Frankly, this is nothing short of a genuine miracle, when you take into account the above-mentioned fact that this isn’t even a sex tape. Paris’ credentials for the presidency aren’t that bad either – she is the perfect wife after all and she’s a genius, though she may run some of her voters over if she isn’t careful.

In all honesty though, we at hecklerspray are still waiting for the Britney Spears response to hit the web. Who knows – maybe a career in politics is just the kind of low-stress job Miss Spears needs, as soon as she’s free to roam again? And the combination of high profile work and actual responsibility could put her in good stead to get her kids back from that prat Kevin Federline. Hey – it’s just a thought.

Or maybe it’ll just get ignored and the whole event will be taken exactly as it’s ‘supposed’ to, with people watching, laughing and forgetting. Bah. Watch the video below:

The race for US presidency isn’t something we’re likely to cover very much on these pages – it’s too divisive even for us. Plus we’re British-based, so we’re legally not allowed an opinion.

Non-partisan as hecklerspray may be though (you vote for who you actually want to vote for), we can’t help but feel something of an affinity with Barack Obama after his presidential rival John McCain compared the Democrat to both Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

That’s the kind of politician we could get on board with!

You may be confused – why would we support those likened to Hilton and Spears, she of limited values and she of limited mental wellness? It’s alright; McCain is not saying Obama is a hot little philly to be adored by men and idolised by young women. No, the Republican is getting on board with the hecklerspray way of thinking, seeing Spears and Hilton as vapid wastes of space, sucking up valuable air and not being worth the paper they’re printed on.

What do you mean they’re not actually made of paper? It’s certainly how they come across.

But is McCain alluding to the possibility of Obama having severe mental issues? Is he stating through his campaign ads – in which the comparisons are made – that Barack is likely to lose his kids and have to give them up to Kevin Federline? Because frankly, that’s just harsh. That’s below the belt. That’s downright dirty.

But the question we need to know the answer to – the one that has been keeping us awake for these last few… errm… hours – is this: is Senator John McCain of the Republican party, presidential candidate and genuine Old Man claiming, in a roundabout way probably too subtle for the masses to understand, that he is in possession of a porn film starring Barack Obama?

Is that why he’s equating the Democrat to Paris Hilton? We need to know.

The questions raised by McCain’s political broadcast are sure to get the US talking about the race for the presidency more than ever before. Surely all Obama has to do now is make an appearance on the VMAs and his reign at the helm of the most powerful nation in the world will be guaranteed.

Rick Davis, campaign manager for McCain, let the world in on this fact-nugget:

“I don’t know Paris Hilton and Britney Spears but they are international celebrities, so, you know, apples to apples.”

No, we have no idea either. It’s just a funny quote when you take it out of context.

Check out the video for yourselves, see if you can picture Barack Obama miming to ‘Toxic’ in a bikini top and tight-fitting PVC pants. Because that’s the image it conjures up over here…

You there! Fancy a ‘flutter’, do you?

Let’s face it – even if you ascribe to Bill Hicks’ philosophy that American politics is basically choosing which puppet can give the best impression of your beliefs (something Britain seems to have emulated too), then you might as well make a bit of cash out of this whole upcoming election shebang.

So we’re all doomed to Armageddon no matter who gets into office? Who cares? You’ve got a tenner that’s burning a hole in yer pocket, and you’ll be damned if you’re not going to do something election-based with it, right here, right now.

Let’s kick things off with the big boy, then: the betting odds for which party is going to win the 2008 US Presidential Election, as mapped out by those lovely people over at Paddy Power.

Republican Party (Odds: 7-4)

Anyone with a base grasp of world affairs – so Big Brother contestants can look away now – will be aware that the Republicans presently hold office by virtue of grinning simpleton George W. Bush.

This is something of a disappointing low point in their legacy thus far. Even if you don’t agree with their politics, any party that can count Ulysses S. Grant - a name surely on a par with Hercules T. Magnificent or Jesus Q. Megatron – among their past leaders has it least got it right in the impressive-sounding stakes. Being British, we don’t really know anything about old Ulysses here at hecklerspray, except for the fact that he was apparently known for ‘tolerating financial and politician corruption among top aides.’ Hey – maybe he’s not so different from Georgie-boy after all.

George won’t be eligible for president this time around, though, as a) American rules forbid any president ruling for more than two terms, and b) he has a lot of colouring-in to catch up on. And those Garfield And Friends puzzle books don’t fill themselves in, you know.  He’ll be replaced by either John McCain, Mitt Romney, Rudolph Giuliani, Ron Paul, Fred Thompson or the terrifying Mike Huckabee. We’ll be going further in depth about these fellows soon enough, but for now all you need to know is that the Republican Winning Odds stand at 7-4.

Democrat Party – 2-5

The oldest political party in the United States, you can trace the roots of this organisation way back to 1792, roughly around the same time Jackie Collins was born. Left-leaning and liberal, the Democrats generally tend not to take such a rabidly knee-jerk view of things as their main political rivals, and rank John F Kennedy as among their previous leaders.

Certain party figureheads, though, have been quite fond of inserting cigars into the vaginas of young lady interns, which last time we checked isn’t common practise in any workplace we know (JJB Sports have yet to get back to us on the matter). And it hasn’t been a total success story over the years – there’ve been quite a few election losses, including two by Adlai Stevenson (who kind of made up for it by having a Sufjan Stevens song written about him).

Last time the Democrats were running for office, they made the insane choice of having John Kerry as their leader – a man who decided to act as a refreshing alternative to the war-crazy government by waffling on about Vietnam all the time and saluting every baby he was handed to kiss. This time around, however, it could either be Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama or John Edwards trying to grab votes. As with the Repubs, there’ll be more on them from us soon, but in the meantime you just pay attention to those 2-5 betting odds, mister.

Paddy Power Election Betting Odds