What’s more impressive is that Patrick Swayze has got his pancreatic cancer on the run. He’s responding well enough to the treatment that he’s even made his own, admittedly quite rubbish-looking TV show.

So Patrick Swayze doesn’t seem like he’s on death’s door. And if you think he is, keep it to yourself, because Patrick Swayze is so furious about it that it’s all he can do not to get all penultimate scene of Ghost on your arse.

Manufacturers of limited-edition plate sets featuring badly-painted pictures of Patrick Swayze dancing in a vest and the slogan ‘Nobody puts baby in a corner… except pancreatic cancer. Patrick Swayze: 1952 – 2008′, we have some bad news for you. It doesn’t look like Patrick Swayze is going anywhere.

It’s astounding to think that back in March Patrick Swayze was given just five weeks to live because pancreatic cancer had taken hold in his body. But then the five-week mark passed. And then the five-month mark. And then enough time for Patrick Swayze to have to deny that he was going to star in Point Break 2 because he realised he wasn’t going to get out of it by dying first.

Between this and his new TV show Beast, it seems like Patrick Swayze has got his pancreatic cancer well and truly licked. Whether it’s because he was rich enough to afford the best cancer treatment in the world or because God doesn’t want him to leave Earth until he’s made a sequel to Letters From A Killer, a movie which He wrongly regards as a classic, it doesn’t matter. Patrick Swayze is on the mend and that’s what’s important.

Unless you’re the National Enquirer, because if that’s the case then what’s important is writing all kinds of stories about what a feeble old cancer-suffering wanker Patrick Swayze is as often as possible; something that Swayze himself has not unreasonably got the arseholes with. The New York Daily News reports:

“They’re reporting that I’m on my last legs and saying goodbye to my tearful family!” he railed. He called the coverage of his battle as “emotional cruelty” – especially, he said, “when hope is so precious… It’s upsetting that the shoddy and reckless reporting from these publications cast a negative shadow on the positive and good fight I’m fighting.”

Honestly, these people should know better than to morbidly follow every last gasp and croak of a man with a serious disease. Not only does it reflect very badly on the publications in question, but you also have to wonder if any of these journalists have ever seen Ghost.

Annoy Patrick Swayze in this life and he’ll come and get you from the next life. Or he’ll sort of jump inside Whoopi Goldberg’s body and make her come and get you. Or he’ll help Demi Moore do some pottery. Or something.

Look, it’s ages since we last saw Ghost. Just, anyway, look, stop it.

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Alright, not exactly that, but Ashlee Simpson definitely isn’t pregnant, and Pete Wentz has lashed out at the media for saying she is by calling it a ‘witch hunt’ – which seems more like a cruel jibe at the expense of Ashlee Simpson’s nose than a clever comment about celebrity culture, really.

But anyway, the point is that Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant and Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson didn’t just get engaged because he knocked her up accidentally. Which means that Pete Wentz must be marrying Ashlee Simpson for something other than a sense of misplaced guilt. Weird.

You have every reason to fear a baby created by Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy and Ashlee Simpson. Just look at them – look at how sharp their hair looks. That hair hasn’t been straightened – it’s genetic.

And if Pete Wentz’s abnormally sharp hair gene and Ashlee Simpson’s abnormally sharp hair gene were to combine, there’s a strong chance that the resulting unborn baby’s ultra-sharp, ultra-straight haircut would pierce Ashlee Simpson’s abdominal wall and stab her to death from the inside. It’d basically be an Omen-style scenario, but about haircuts.

Anyway, you don’t have to worry about that, because Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant. True, Ashlee and Pete may have just got engaged, but that doesn’t have to mean that she’s got a tiny curled-up emo baby living in her belly. If you believe that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, Pete Wentz says that you’re nothing but a victim of the culture of lies perpetuated by the mainstream media to suppress your independent thought, or something. People reports:

Pete Wentz is addressing rumors that fiancée Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, calling it a “witch hunt” in an email. “There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood,” he wrote to MTV News Monday. “This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover … I mean really, this is crazy … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”

You heard it hear first, folks – Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy is in a gay relationship and his engagement to Ashlee Simpson is all just a cover. The man said so himself.

Anyway, it might seem like a stupid exaggeration to call speculation about Ashlee Simpson’s womb a ‘witch hunt’ but actually it does bear some truth – back in 1450 witches were often hunted by the publishing of false pregnancy rumours in weekly magazines. Well, pregnancy rumours and ‘Top 100 Witch Bikini Body Secrets Revealed!’ features.

But all you really need to take from this is that Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant. And if you think that she is then Pete Wentz will find you. He’ll find you and he’ll hunt you down like a witch. Like a witch!

Read more:

Pete Wentz: Pregnancy Rumors a ‘Witch Hunt’ – People