We already have plenty of things to blame Sarah Jessica Parker for – transvestites who only speak in puns to name one – but that’s not enough for her.

No, now Sarah Jessica Parker has been named as the reason why there are so many pregnant teenagers running around. She hasn’t been impregnating the teens directly – although we wouldn’t put it past her, the shifty-faced git – but she has been putting the idea into their heads. Probably.

A new report has shown that teenage girls are more than twice as likely to get pregnant if they watch a lot of TV shows that contain sexual content. We can see that the report has a point – as teenagers we watched a lot of All Creatures Great And Small, and to this day we can’t even look at a cow without running over and ramming a fist up its bottom until a baby cow comes out.

If you thought that the likes of Bristol Palin and Jamie Lynn Spears became pregnant purely because their parents are such hardline Christians that they thought something as sensible as sex education discussion would corrupt their minds, you’re wrong. It’s all television’s fault.

A report has been published that proves once and for all that teenagers only get pregnant because they’ve seen people having sex on TV and wanted to try it out themselves. It’s not just sex it works with, incidentally – when we were 13 we once got drunk and led the police on a destructive four-county high-speed car chase after watching an episode of Police Camera Action – but that’s what we’re concentrating on for now. Reuters reports:

“Our findings suggest that television may play a significant role in the high rates of teenage pregnancy in the United States,” said Anita Chandra, a behavioral scientist who led the research at RAND. “We’re not saying we’re establishing causation, but we are saying this is one factor that we were able to prospectively link to the teen pregnancy outcome,” Chandra said in a phone interview.

So it just goes to show that if a teenager watches sex on TV, they’ll rush out and get themselves pregnant right away. That goes for all TV shows, from The Tudors to Tell Me Love Me to that time Sawyer and Kate had it away in a bear cage during Lost.

However, Sex And The City is the one exception to this rule, because if any teenagers actually watch Sex And The City, they’re statistically guaranteed to grow up to become gay men. That’s just as well, really, because Miley Cyrus says her favourite show is Sex And The City, and she’s far too innocent to ever get up to anything as silly as underage sex. Right?

So let’s hope that the television industry cracks down on all this sexiness, because then horny teenagers will only have the internet for comfort, and at least that way they’ll only have the resources to become a very specific sort of sexual deviant. And we all know that you can’t get pregnant while you’re being kicked in the genitals by a cross-dressing midget in a gimp suit, don’t we? Problem solved.

Of all the bad news we’ve ever heard, this is a kind of brand-new soul-rapingly terrible type of news – Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again.

Or at least Jamie Lynn Spears might be pregnant again. Just four short months after giving birth to her first baby, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly eight weeks up the duff with her second baby. And, if the reports are true, Jamie Lynn Spears reacted the same way any proud mother would if they discovered that they were bringing new life into the world – by “crying her eyes out.”

This is, it’s claimed, because Jamie Lynn Spears thought that it was impossible to get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding. And if that’s the case, the message is clear – stay in church, kids. It certainly worked for Jamie Lynn.

Now that Britney Spears has hit the straight and narrow hard in order to promote that song of hers where she just says ‘womanizer’ a bunch of times, it’s down to the other members of the Spears clan to pick up the slack in the ‘unsettlingly berserk’ department. And we’re sure that Britney will be incredibly grateful when she sees what you might have just done, Jamie Lynn Spears.

You might remember that, just four short months ago, Jamie Lynn Spears gave birth to a baby that she conceived when she was just 16 years old. Her pregnancy seemed to be comprised of various sad-faced magazine covers and handwritten letters to her mother explaining the pregnancy because she was too shamefaced to tell her out loud.

But that’s all in the past. Now Jamie Lynn Spears has learnt her lesson from her last unexpected pregnancy, and she’s determined to put all that behind her to become the most responsible parent that she can… oh, Jesus Christ, she hasn’t, has she? Jamie Lynn Spears has got pregnant again? Already? What a massive donkey turd. NME reports:

Britney Spears sister Jamie Lynn is reportedly pregnant with her second child, just three months after becoming a mother to a baby girl. The report in the National Enquirer said that Spears was not aware that one could become pregnant while breastfeeding. The teenager reportedly “cried her eyes out” when a home pregnancy test came back positive.

By the way, unborn Spears kid, if you happen to be reading this in the year 2021, then just take a look at that last paragraph again. You made your mother cry. And your granny went hysterical when she found out too, the article says. Why did you do that? You evil child. This is all your fault! Bad unborn Spears baby! Bad!

If this report is true, then Jamie Lynn Spears has managed to trump even her sister’s record of getting accidentally pregnant again quite quickly after childbirth. Congratulations, Jamie Lynn! You’re number one!

And, while we’re sure this is a scary time for you, with the responsibility of caring for two newborn babies instead of just one bearing down on you and all, but you need to see the positives in all of this. In a few months you’ll have two beautiful healthy children to look after. That’s like double the happiness.

Plus at least this way Lynne Spears gets to write another book about what a couple of shitboxes her children are.

So it's official – an accidental overdose of sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medication, painkillers and other prescription drugs killed Heath Ledger.

The New York City medical examiner has declared that Heath Ledger died from “acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine,” in a report that's just been released.

As sad as this news is, we should focus on the positives – not only can Heath Ledger's family continue with their lives knowing that at least it wasn't suicide, but Heath Ledger looks set for pub quiz immortality by being the answer to the question "Which celebrity cause of death would get you the highest score in a game of Scrabble?"

Right, that's it. We're never taking any medicine again. Seriously, it's killing people like flies. First Pimp C died because of all the cough mixture he drank and now Heath Ledger has joined the 'accidental overdose' club along with Anna Nicole Smith.

Two weeks after he died, the official medical examiner's report into the cause of Heath Ledger's death has finally been released MSNBC reports:

The cause of death was “acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam, temazepam, alprazolam and doxylamine,” spokeswoman Ellen Borakove said in a statement. Oxycodone is a painkiller marketed as OxyContin and used in other painkillers such as Percodan and Percocet; hydrocodone is used in a number of painkillers, including Vicodin. Diazepam and alprazolam are the generic names for the anti-anxiety drugs Valium and Xanax, and the other two drugs are sleep aids commonly sold under the brands Restoril and Unisom. Borakove wouldn’t say what concentrations of each drug were found in Ledger’s blood, or whether one drug played a greater part than another in causing his death. “What you’re looking at here is the cumulative effects of these medications together,” she said.

Although the report isn't going to bring Heath Ledger back, it will go some way to hushing the storm of speculation surrounding his untimely death. Although the accidental overdose scenario seemed likely from the outset, there were also conflicting reports suggesting that Heath Ledger died a natural death or that Heath Ledger was so miserable that suicide looked like a genuine option. Throw in a banned video of Heath Ledger at a drugs party and everything got so confused that only an official report could clear things up.

The report into Heath Ledger's cause of death comes as Heath's family prepare for his funeral, so at least all the mysteries and rumours about his death can be laid to rest at the same time that he is. Plus, unlike Pimp C, at least Heath Ledger died before he could perform a gangsta rap all about his love for the thing that killed him called Sipping On Some Alprazizzlam. So at least there's some dignity, however small.

As for us, we're serious about that 'no medicine' thing. In fact, all these celebrity medication deaths have got us quietly freaking out in case the BCG vaccination we had at school over a decade ago suddenly decides to turn evil and finish us off.

Read more:

Heath Ledger died of accidental overdose – MSNBC 

It seemed so simple at first – Donda West died because her surgeon Dr Jan Adams was a drunken maniac who couldn't tell the difference between a scalpel and a banana.

Only it turns out that's not the case at all. The final coroner's report into the untimely death of Donda West – mother of Kanye – has failed to determine a conclusive manner of death, although surgical misadventure has been ruled out.

Great – we can buy Jan Adams' book Everything Women Of Colour Should Know About Cosmetic Surgery in good faith again. It's about time because, as women of colour ourselves, there's just so much we want to know.

There are seven well-established stages in the grieving process – shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression and acceptance – although in the case of Donda West's tragic death we can probably slot an eighth stage entitled 'mercilessly hounding the plastic surgeon' somewhere between anger and depression.

Because once it emerged that Donda West died after receiving cosmetic surgery, everyone naturally turned to the surgeon who performed the procedure for answers. Unfortunately it turns out that Dr Jan Adams, the surgeon in question, had what you might call a bit of a spotty history. 

News outlets were flooded with claims that Jan Adams was constantly getting in trouble for DUI, that he routinely botched breast enlargements and liposuction surgery, that once he sewed a sponge inside a woman by mistake and that he got a woman drunk deliberately so he could get her pregnant. Throw in an almost dementedly suspicious appearance on Larry King and it seemed clear to all that the blame for Donda West's death lay squarely at Jan Adams' feet.

Except it turns out that's not the case at all. The final 17-page coroner's report into Donda West's death was released yesterday and, although it's remarkably inconclusive, it appears to put Jan Adams in the clear. Reuters reports:

In a 17-page final autopsy report, the coroner's office attributed the death of Donda West, 58, to coronary artery disease and a number of factors related to her cosmetic surgery the day before. The final autopsy report released on Thursday is inconclusive, saying that West "died from some pre-existing coronary artery disease and multiple post-operative factors following surgery." Among the factors listed by Deputy Medical Examiner Dr. Luis Pena were aspiration of vomit, focal pneumonia, tight bandaging of the torso and her use of pain medication. "Based on the history and available information, as currently known, the manner of death could not be determined."

So it seems as if Donda West's death was down to a number of unfortunate underlying preexisting complications and can't be pinned to any one solid thing. While this could mean that Donda West's family will be able to move on from this traumatic experience, it's equally likely that it'll kickstart another lengthy round of agonising questions and accusations.

Read more:

Cause of death for Kanye West's mother said unclear – Reuters 

If you want the police to go easy on you after you've been arrested for driving a car drunk, perhaps you should try screaming a hate-filled rant about how rubbish Jewish people are, because it worked for Mel Gibson.

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department yesterday released its report into the DUI arrest of Mel Gibson last year, and it turns out that Mel got plenty of special treatment from the police. Apparently police attempted to hide aspects of Mel Gibson's arrest from the public, didn't sign all the necessary paperwork and even gave him a lift back to his car after he was released. Worst of all, Mel Gibson was also ignored by the female police office who he drunkenly bellowed "What are you looking at, Sugartits?" to, when official police procedure required her to curtsy, giggle into her handkerchief and reply "Why thank you kind sir" in the style of a wealthy plantation owner's daughter from 1860s Virginia.

Although 2007 has undoubtedly been the year of celebrity imprisonment – Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Foxy Brown, Bobby Brown, Tom Sizemore, Lane Garrison, Amy Winehouse's husband and Kiefer Sutherland have all spent some time in the can this year – but the world's best-ever celebrity arrest didn't happen this year, or even end up with a jail sentence.

We're talking, of course, about Mel Gibson – who last summer set a new high watermark for ridiculous celebrity arrests when police stopped him speeding through Malibu at 87mph with an open bottle of tequila in his car, only for Mel to start screaming about how he owned Malibu, how he'd "fuck" the arresting officer, how all the "fucking Jews" were responsible for every war in the history of time and how one of the policewomen had breasts that looked a little bit like monosaccharide.

The social fallout from Mel Gibson's arrest was so huge that he almost destroyed his career – because of the Jew bit and not the drink-driving bit, everyone does that – but the legal repercussions weren't that huge at all. Mel Gibson avoided jail and was hit with a watered-down probation and alcohol-education course punishment instead.

And although it happened close to 18 months ago, the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department has only just got round to working out what it did wrong when it arrested Mel Gibson.

In a report released yesterday that investigated the arrests of Mel Gibson and Paris Hilton – who was booked by the book, by the way – the Sheriff's Department has uncovered all sorts of special treatment that Mel Gibson got from the police during and after his arrest last year. Not only did police officers attempt to cover up the whole "fucking Jews" thing, but it's also been revealed that they didn't take Mel Gibson's palmprint when he was released from the police station, neglected to tell their superiors that he was being released, didn't bother signing the proper paperwork and then gave Mel a lift to the tow yard where his car was.

In all, this investigation has led to one two-day suspension and two written reprimands within the force. But more than that, the report is rock-hard proof that you get given a much easier ride when you break the law if you're famous than if you aren't.

Unless you're Paris Hilton. And if you are, we can only sympathise with you.

Read more:

Policy Violations Found in Gibson Arrest – Associated Press