It’s been reported that David Hasselhoff has just been released from hospital after having something removed from just above his eye. While nobody around David Hasselhoff has revealed exactly what was removed, chances are it was either his over-inflated sense of self worth or the part of his brain that genuinely believes he’s a well-respected pop star.

Oh that’s sick. David Hasselhoff might be seriously ill, you disgusting bastards. You’re going to hell for thinking of something as disgusting as that, we’ll make sure of it.

When you hear that someone’s had something removed from their face, you instantly assume it to be cancer. Well, actually, when you hear that it’s David Hasselhoff who’s had something removed from his face you think that it’s all a cover and actually he’s back in rehab for being such a massive alcoholic, and then that theory gets denied and then you assume it to be cancer.

But let’s not jump to any conclusions here – David Hasselhoff may have just had a stint in hospital to have something removed from his face, but nobody has even suggested that it has the slightest thing to do with cancer. It’s best that we leave potentially serious stuff like this to the BBC:

Former Baywatch actor David Hasselhoff is doing well after having “something removed” above his eye on Saturday, his publicist has confirmed. “He’s fine, he’s coming out tonight,” Judy Katz said on Monday. The star was treated at Los Angeles Medical Center. She did not say what was removed but denied rumours Hasselhoff was in rehab.

How mysterious. Mysterious and worrying – David Hasselhoff has made a career out of being an invincible alpha male who works hard, plays hard, drinks even harder and always has time to strip down to a leather jacket and his pants and pose for photos with a number of household animals, so it’s hard to imagine that David Hasselhoff might actually be ill with anything. After all, he is the trademark-protected Hoff now.

In fact, it’d be a weight off everyone’s mind if David Hasselhoff or one of his associates just came forward and told us all exactly what was removed from Hasselhoff’s face so we can all sigh with relief and get on with our lives.

Because right now, without a solid answer, our minds are running wild. For all we know, David Hasselhoff could have had any one of the following removed from his face:

• An ingrown unicorn horn

• A clump of spittle-covered hamburger from that time he was drunk

• The unlikely notion that Princess Diana wanted to sleep with him

• A pulsating sac of spider eggs

• Anne Frank

• A stash of pirate booty that he was hiding until his divorce was finalised

• One of Traci Bingham’s rogue breast implants

• The twin brother that David Hasselhoff absorbed in his mother’s womb who keeps telling him to commit minor crimes

It’s just a guess, but we’re pretty sure that David Hasselhoff had at least one of these things removed from his face on Saturday. And you don’t hear much from Anne Frank these days, do you?

Read more:

Hasselhoff has facial operation – BBC

No need to bother with giant news conglomerates reporting on AIDS-ravished nations, terrorism, genocide, and so forth. Obviously, we all agree that it’s more important to know about festering disease growing on the skin famous persons, like the cancerous patch of skin recently removed from the face of CNN’s Anderson Cooper.

We are happy to report that preliminary reports suggest both Cooper and cancer are doing fine and resting peacefully. We hear that Will Smith and his wife Jada have already been to visit the cancerous patch and say it looks just like its father.  

We typed in Anderson Cooper into the Google toolbar. The first suggestion that was automatically provided for us was ‘Anderson Cooper gay’. Anderson Cooper is gay, of course. He’s as gay as the day is long. Naturally, we mean gay in the 1950’s-ish happy/elated sense. What did you think we meant??  

Anyway, the host of CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° is the biggest, gayest, most cheerful journalist there is at the moment because the cancerous patch of skin that no one knew was there has been successfully removed, and Anderson Cooper is back to work after a two day absence. He wasn’t even going to tell us about it, but he thankfully explained the whole situation Wednesday on the Anderson Cooper 360° blog: 

"I had minor surgery on Monday. A small spot of skin cancer was removed from under my left eye. I hadn't planned on mentioning this, but I still have stitches and you'll no doubt notice them tonight." 

In all seriousness, cancer sucks in any form, and it’s good that the cancer doesn’t seem to have spread. Something serious like that always takes a large portion of the fun out of mock-laden prose, but it’s great that Anderson Cooper will be alright.  

Hopefully, Brian Williams’ bunionectomy and Katie Couric’s abscess removal will go just as smoothly should they occur, and they will be just as gay as Anderson Cooper, if not gayer.   

Read more:

Anderson Cooper's Cancer Scare - E! Online