Articles tagged with: remake
Guff About Videogames – The Secret of Michael Jackson Island
There is some news that just gets swept under in the grand scheme of things, even if it's Twittered about and - as we all know - everyone in the world reads that pile of tripe. Even news about Lucasarts classics being remade and re-released on one of those new-fangled 'digital distribution' platforms, called 'Steam', or something, which has suffered in the wake of the news of Michael Jackson's death. Wait - what do you mean Michael Jackson is dead?! We hadn't heard. Three hundred times a day. For the last four months. Yes, since before he had even died.
There is some news that just gets swept under in the grand scheme of things, even if it's Twittered about and - as we all know - everyone in the world reads that pile of tripe. Even news about Lucasarts classics being remade and re-released on one of those new-fangled 'digital distribution' platforms, called 'Steam', or something, which has suffered in the wake of the news of Michael Jackson's death. Wait - what do you mean Michael Jackson is dead?! We hadn't heard. Three hundred times a day. For the last four months. Yes, since before he had even died.
Simon Cowell, Timbaland and Zac Efron to Ruin More Lives: Together!
Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable - they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example. Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that - as with most old movies - needs no remake and you're left with the situation we have today. For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron. For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.
Think of a collection of the worst people imaginable - they would be arrogant, stupid, irritating and thoroughly pointless. The kind of people you get writing for hecklerspray, for example. Now imagine that collection is coming together in order to remake a movie that - as with most old movies - needs no remake and you're left with the situation we have today. For you see, Simon Cowell and Timbaland are rumoured to have joined forces to create a remake of Saturday Night Fever. Starring Zac Efron. For proof there is no such thing as god, see the above short paragraph.
Jada Pinkett Smith To Be The New Karate Kid Or Something
Years ago, when the brains behind the Karate Kid movies decided it'd be a fine idea to just replace Ralph Macchio with Hilary Swank and see what happens, well that was the moment our childhood ended. Up until then our chief method for falling asleep at night was to lay there with our eyes closed and sweetly picture Daniel-san kicking Johnny in the teeth. After that we'd always picture him arm-whipping the bad guy from Okinawa to death, and after that we always pictured him literally biting the head off of whoever was the bad guy in Karate Kid III. That's not actually how the third one ended, likely due to faulty scriptwriting. But if you thought it was bad when swank donned Mr. Miagi's karate school patch, well it's about to get worse. Will Smith's kid - whatever his name is - is all set to star in a Karate Kid remake. We don't know, maybe we'll try falling asleep to the mental imagery of that little kid beating people up... but that seems like a pretty slippery slope if you catch our meaning.
Years ago, when the brains behind the Karate Kid movies decided it'd be a fine idea to just replace Ralph Macchio with Hilary Swank and see what happens, well that was the moment our childhood ended. Up until then our chief method for falling asleep at night was to lay there with our eyes closed and sweetly picture Daniel-san kicking Johnny in the teeth. After that we'd always picture him arm-whipping the bad guy from Okinawa to death, and after that we always pictured him literally biting the head off of whoever was the bad guy in Karate Kid III. That's not actually how the third one ended, likely due to faulty scriptwriting. But if you thought it was bad when swank donned Mr. Miagi's karate school patch, well it's about to get worse. Will Smith's kid - whatever his name is - is all set to star in a Karate Kid remake. We don't know, maybe we'll try falling asleep to the mental imagery of that little kid beating people up... but that seems like a pretty slippery slope if you catch our meaning.
Spielberg & Will Smith Set To Make Old Boy Much Rubbisher
If you've ever wanted to see Will Smith cut out his tongue for doing something unspeakable to a member of his own family, it's your lucky day. And that's because, as part of Hollywood's ongoing quest to take every movie that you've ever enjoyed and smear a big layer of stupid right across it, it's thought that Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are all set to team up on a remake of the Korean revenge drama Old Boy. Nobody knows for sure why Steven Spielberg and Will Smith want to take something as stylish and critically acclaimed as Old Boy and ruin it with a needless remake, but the word on the street is that it's down to how many things rhyme with Old Boy - like 'Mould Toy', 'Cold Ploy' and 'Bold Joy'. That way it's much easier for Will Smith to rap about it when he comes to record the new Old Boy theme-tune, you see.
If you've ever wanted to see Will Smith cut out his tongue for doing something unspeakable to a member of his own family, it's your lucky day. And that's because, as part of Hollywood's ongoing quest to take every movie that you've ever enjoyed and smear a big layer of stupid right across it, it's thought that Steven Spielberg and Will Smith are all set to team up on a remake of the Korean revenge drama Old Boy. Nobody knows for sure why Steven Spielberg and Will Smith want to take something as stylish and critically acclaimed as Old Boy and ruin it with a needless remake, but the word on the street is that it's down to how many things rhyme with Old Boy - like 'Mould Toy', 'Cold Ploy' and 'Bold Joy'. That way it's much easier for Will Smith to rap about it when he comes to record the new Old Boy theme-tune, you see.
George Clooney To Star In Painfully Needless Remake Of The Birds?
As good as The Birds was, we thought that it lacked two main things - old-school charm and an oblique criticism of the government. So thank heavens that George Clooney is apparently close to starring in a remake of The Birds. If reports are to be believed then George Clooney is all set to take on the role of Mitch Bremner - the man who doesn't die and gets away safely at the end of the movie - in next year's The Birds remake, to probably be directed by Martin Campbell. Of course, 45 years have passed since the original, so George Clooney's version will need some updating. For instance, since climate change is such a worry, The Birds remake will be given a more ecological bent. And instead of having birds in it, it'll be about plants that kill people for no reason. And Mark Wahlberg's going to star in it. It'll be excellent, really.
As good as The Birds was, we thought that it lacked two main things - old-school charm and an oblique criticism of the government. So thank heavens that George Clooney is apparently close to starring in a remake of The Birds. If reports are to be believed then George Clooney is all set to take on the role of Mitch Bremner - the man who doesn't die and gets away safely at the end of the movie - in next year's The Birds remake, to probably be directed by Martin Campbell. Of course, 45 years have passed since the original, so George Clooney's version will need some updating. For instance, since climate change is such a worry, The Birds remake will be given a more ecological bent. And instead of having birds in it, it'll be about plants that kill people for no reason. And Mark Wahlberg's going to star in it. It'll be excellent, really.
ABC Decides To Remake V, Nobody Really Sure Why
Lock up your pet hamsters – because cult 80s TV series V is making a comeback. That's right, ABC this week greenlit the popular sci-fi programme to the distinct sound of scraping barrels. Now, if you are not familiar with V, let us explain. It's about rodent-eating alien lizards who come to Earth and act like a right bunch of Nazis. Think David Icke without the rodents – and the Nazis. They basically want to nick all our water and then eat us because, well, they are not very nice rodent-eating alien lizards. There are even loads of Nazi-like references to ram home the point.
Lock up your pet hamsters – because cult 80s TV series V is making a comeback. That's right, ABC this week greenlit the popular sci-fi programme to the distinct sound of scraping barrels. Now, if you are not familiar with V, let us explain. It's about rodent-eating alien lizards who come to Earth and act like a right bunch of Nazis. Think David Icke without the rodents – and the Nazis. They basically want to nick all our water and then eat us because, well, they are not very nice rodent-eating alien lizards. There are even loads of Nazi-like references to ram home the point.
NBC Picks Up The Partridge Family Several Decades Too Late
In a move almost as shocking and drastic as the time someone thought it'd be a real good idea to make something called The New Monkees, people have gone and announced a very intentional remake of the Partridge Family. Maybe it won't be so bad though. The entire old cast is returning to reprise their roles, and to once again live with their really old mother. Sure, it sounds improbable, but the scriptwriters are supposedly coming up with all sorts of ways to make the transition go off real smoothly - for instance Danny Bonaduce's character moves back home because he's hiding from a newly resurrected KGB, and David Cassidy's character retreats to his mother's residence after losing half his brain in an industrial mining accident. See, Hollywood has ways of making this kind of stuff work.
In a move almost as shocking and drastic as the time someone thought it'd be a real good idea to make something called The New Monkees, people have gone and announced a very intentional remake of the Partridge Family. Maybe it won't be so bad though. The entire old cast is returning to reprise their roles, and to once again live with their really old mother. Sure, it sounds improbable, but the scriptwriters are supposedly coming up with all sorts of ways to make the transition go off real smoothly - for instance Danny Bonaduce's character moves back home because he's hiding from a newly resurrected KGB, and David Cassidy's character retreats to his mother's residence after losing half his brain in an industrial mining accident. See, Hollywood has ways of making this kind of stuff work.
Tori Spelling Wants More Money For 90210, Turns Out Producers Don’t Want Her That Much
It must be an epic ride being Tori Spelling - living the trials, tribulations and... trials again of a Hollywood superstar. Well, it would be if she actually did anything worthwhile ever, instead of just getting knocked up and kind of lingering around, like that person at a party you kind of know but don't want to talk to but at the same time don't want to ask to leave as that would be far too rude. Even though they're standing there, people are staring and it's killing the funtime vibe - you're ruining the party, Tori Spelling. Get out. Ahem. It would seem that this is the exact attitude favoured by the execs behind the remake of Beverly Hills 90210 - imaginatively titled 90210 - who appear to have asked Tori to leave the TV party. Maybe it didn't quite happen like that, but we're trying to fit this in with quite a poorly-thought out and stretched analogy. Hush down.
It must be an epic ride being Tori Spelling - living the trials, tribulations and... trials again of a Hollywood superstar. Well, it would be if she actually did anything worthwhile ever, instead of just getting knocked up and kind of lingering around, like that person at a party you kind of know but don't want to talk to but at the same time don't want to ask to leave as that would be far too rude. Even though they're standing there, people are staring and it's killing the funtime vibe - you're ruining the party, Tori Spelling. Get out. Ahem. It would seem that this is the exact attitude favoured by the execs behind the remake of Beverly Hills 90210 - imaginatively titled 90210 - who appear to have asked Tori to leave the TV party. Maybe it didn't quite happen like that, but we're trying to fit this in with quite a poorly-thought out and stretched analogy. Hush down.
