religion - HecklerSpray

Andrew Keegan Started His Own Religion

August 18th, 2014 By Krysta Fitzpatrick

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Back in my day, when a celebrities career was washed up they just did a reality show or something, you know? Maybe wrote a tell all biography or open a restaurant. However, mega 90’s hunk, Andrew Keegan, has decided to try something totally new by..wait for it..starting his own religion.

Earlier this week it was revealed that, like L. Ron Hubbard before him, Keegan has decided to start a celebrity religion which he is calling Full Circle. However, unlike Hubbard’s Scientology, I could totally get behind Full Circle because I’ve already been a member of the Andrew Keegan cult for like twenty years.

Michael Says God Will Judge Lindsay Lohan (Psst – God Doesn’t Exist)

March 22nd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, looks like a massive lunatic from where we’re sat. And we’re in no position to judge. That’s how wretchedly awful he seems. And he’s saying that LiLo should forget the judge, because it’s God who will want to kick her ass.

Michael wants to make sure she’s made things right with God, or else!

Of course, the neat thing here is that God doesn’t exist, meaning that Lindsay can sin and sin and sin, which is great for plebs like us who like to write about her and suppress our sexual feelings toward her.

Westboro Baptist Church Versus Radiohead

March 12th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Ladies and Gentlemen, you may well embark on feelings you didn’t know you could have in this article. Strange, uncomfortable feelings that will confuse and nauseate. Effectively, you might end up agreeing with the Westboro Baptist Church.

It seems that members of the WBC have taken it upon themselves to become music critics (as well as infamous critics of homosexuality).

The notorious bible bashers decided to?protest outside a Radiohead gig in Kansas yesterday and they let their mouths run for fun.

Angelina Jolie Is Absolutely And Massively Pregnant

January 18th, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

Hey! Do you fancy Angelina Jolie? Apart from the way she looks and pouts, you probably think she’s pretty edgy and different to all the other celebrities. She isn’t. She’s got pregnant, just like the rest of the bores.

That’s right! She’s got a thing growing inside her! Seen her supping cans of super strength beer recently? That’s because she’s preggo.

And it has been coming a while now. Brad Pitt and Jolie have been dropping hints about wanting to add to their tedious brood, and everyone thought they were oh-so-clever for joking that they’d probably steal an orphan from Africa. Alas, not. They’ve been having sex without a condom on and now she’s going to grow her own.

Cee Lo Green Causes Outrage By Changing The Already Awful Lyrics To Lennon’s ‘Imagine’

January 3rd, 2012 By Mof Gimmers

John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ is a pretty lousy song. Sure, it is still massively popular today, but then again, so is war and racism. Numbers and time multiplied doesn’t necessarily show the inherent quality of something.

Either way, that doesn’t stop people being precious about it and today, various arms are being thrown into the air in disgust (because there’s little else to be disgusted about of course) after Cee Lo Green changed the words to one of the laziest lyrics in pop history.

During a televised performance on New Year’s Eve, the visually impaired Green altered Lennon’s lyrics, turning a line that criticises religion into one that actively promotes it.

Angelina Jolie Will Cry If Kids Become Normal, Like Your Boring, Settled Children

December 21st, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Wannabe Funeral Director and collector of used plasters Angelina Jolie, ?has revealed that she dreads the day one of her 87 children asks to be excused from the family’s global travels, insisting she will break down in tears when it happens.

It seems Jolie and husband Brad Pitt, pride themselves on their nomadic lifestyle, settling for a few weeks at a time wherever their work takes them.

What’s that we hear you crying stupidly loudly? CHILDREN NEED ROUTINE! A STABLE ENVIRONMENT AND?CONSISTENCY! What the hell do you know?

Tom Cruise Gives Simon Pegg Child Rearing Tips While Scientology Klaxon Goes Mental

December 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

On the set of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol, Tom Cruise thought he’d go and do a nice thing for Simon Pegg – talk to him like he knew who he was. And what did they talk about? What any celebrity would talk about of course!

Soiled undercrackers!

That’s right. Tom Cruise and Simon Pegg talked about nappies, teaming with faecal matter while playing make-believe like big, hairy and very stupid children. Meanwhile, everyone else presumably looked on wondering if Cruise was trying to recruit someone for Scientology because he’s bang into that alien guff isn’t he?

Tom Cruise Says Top Gun 2 Is In The Works, Hoping We’ll Forget About All That Scientology Business

December 9th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Tom Cruise took off as Maverick in Top Gun over 25 years ago and now, in a bid to distract us from his peculiar religious/cult* views, he’s saying that he might be taking to the air again in Top Gun 2.

Obviously, Hollywood is clean out of fresh ideas at the moment.

Cruise is currently promoting his fourth Mission: Impossible film, and he’s told MTV that there’s been discussions with Top Gun director Tony Scott and producer Jerry Bruckheimer about revisiting the film which Quentin Tarantino thinks is about being gay.

Suri Cruise Is Writing A Book – We Hope It’s Her Autobiography

November 24th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

The celebrity autobiography is a funny thing. For example, Geri Halliwell has fourteen of them out and Katie Price, a whopping 5,460 biographies written in her best joined-up handwriting. Even Justin Bieber has three biogs out, even though he’s only a matter of weeks old.

And so, the next kid to get a book deal is Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes’ daughter, Suri, and she’s only five years old!

Five years old! She can barely wipe her own hoon, let alone manipulate a quill. Still, maybe daddy’s alien friends can give her secret powers to overcome that little obstacle called age?

Russian News Reader Gives Barack Obama The Bird Live On TV

November 21st, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Russia and America haven’t ever really got along have they? They’re both giganto land-masses that just love antagonising each other with spies, wars and lousy impressions of each others accents.

At least the news is always impartial, eh?

Like hell. Have you seen Fox News? And Fox & Co (not a Top of the Pops dance troupe, sadly) have got competition in the form of Tatiana Limanova who made her feelings on Barack Obama perfectly clear in a news bulletin.