Despite Tobey Maguire not really wanting to make Spider-Man 4, Sam Raimi not really wanting to make Spider-Man 4 and an entire planet of people who've had enough time and money stolen already not wanting to see Spider-Man 4, Producer Laura Ziskin has announced that Spider-Man 4 will be released in May 2011.

Awful news, we know. But on the plus side Spider-Man 4 can't be any worse than Spider-Man 3 – that is unless someone decides to give Spider-Man a crime-fighting Scrappy-Doo style son and they go into space together to save the world from global warming and… no, wait, then it'd still be better than Spider-Man 3. No omelette scenes, you see.

Make a list of all the things you'd hate to see in a superhero movie. What's on it? Several extending singing and dancing numbers? A goodie who turns bad when he brushes his hair a certain way? So many villains that they only get about a nanoblip of screentime each? A mid-film interlude about how fun it is to dance the Twist and cook eggs at the same time? Congratulations, you've just described Spider-Man 3.

Spider-Man 3 stands as one of the most clueless big-budget studio movies of all time; a film where the writer, studio, director and each individual actor tried to make a completely different movie. Spider-Man 3 was such a mess that Kirsten Dunst said she didn't want to make Spider-Man 4 before it was even released, and then went off for a boozy little meltdown in rehab afterwards. And Kirsten Dunst was in Marie Antoinette, so she knows cack when she gets paid to star in it.

But even though Spider-Man 3 looked like a franchise-killer of Batman And Robin proportions, it's not over yet. Last week producer Laura Ziskin told cinemas that Spider-Man 4 is still going to happen, and it'll be released in less than three years too. Firstshowing reports:

Producer Laura Ziskin told theaters owners on Thursday that Spider-Man 4 is tentatively scheduled to arrive in May of 2011. Although rumors have been circulating surrounding both Sam Raimi and Tobey Maguire's return, nothing is concrete yet. The farthest they've gone is to pay Marvel to secure the rights yet again, which is at least confirmation that they will continue.

There isn't a script for Spider-Man 4 yet, but one is apparently being written by James Vanderbilt, who wrote Zodiac (good) and a film that had John Travolta in it (bad). But however Vanderbilt's script turns out, it still can't be any worse than Spider-Man 3's for the simple fact that it wasn't written in purple wax crayon by a farting egg-fixated toddler.

And only then can discussions start seriously. If the script's good enough, Sam Raimi will direct it. If the money's good enough, Tobey Maguire will return to star in it. And if there's a trail of vodka miniatures leading from her house to the film set, we don't doubt that Kirsten Dunst will make an appearance as well.

Phew! If that happens, it'll be business as usual. Except, you know, Spider-Man 3 was business as usual as well, and that made us want to vomit blood into a bucket. And then drown ourselves in all the blood-sick. And then set ourselves on fire. 

So, yeah, more of that please.

Read more:

Spider-Man Will Return in 2011! But Do We Want Him To? – First Showing

Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise inexplicably attempts to make his box office comeback as a kooky Nazi officer attempting to kill Hitler with some luggage, has seen its release date pushed back from October to February.

The signs are clear – by releasing Valkyrie so close to the Oscars, Tom Cruise has effectively admitted he doesn't stand a chance of winning an Oscar for it. A shame, since 2009 sees the launch of the Academy's inaugural Best One-Eyed Nazi Played By A Fading Egotist With Downright Odd Religious Beliefs trophy. Still, at least now Mel Gibson has a clear run at the prize with his upcoming role in The Fantastical Contraptions Of Professor Baron Von Cyclops.

Although Tom Cruise has everything that all men dream of – his own movie studio, a wife who's never displayed a single drop of emotion and more car crash skills than trained paramedics – he hasn't really got anything approaching a film career right now.  

After his increasingly bewildering behaviour kicked the legs out from underneath Mission: Impossible III, Tom has struggled to make films again. Sumner Redstone sacked Tom from Paramount because he was so weird, and then the big Tom Cruise comeback movie Lions For Lambs died a violent death at the box office because only about four people went to to see it, and three walked out halfway through when they realised it wasn't actually about lambs. 

And that means that Tom Cruise has banked everything he's got on Valkyrie, the movie where Tom Cruise tries to kill Hitler by adopting a spookily similar haircut, or something. Making it was a brave move because a) people dislike Tom Cruise, b) people dislike war films and c) it was directed by the man behind Superman Returns, which was shit.

Factor in a couple of production problems, like some injured extras and the way that Germany banned Tom Cruise because he's so weird and the whole thing looks so uphill that it's bound to be doomed to failure. But if anyone can make Valkyrie a success, then it's Tom Cruise, right?

Maybe not. Now the latest bad news to hit Valkyrie is that its prime Oscar-friendly October release date has been shoved back to the conclusively Oscar unfriendly month of February. The LA Times reports:

"'United Artists and MGM have pushed back the release of Bryan Singer’s Tom Cruise starrer Valkyrie from Oct 3 to Feb 13,' reports Variety. That means the studios are diminishing the high Oscar expectations surrounding the Nazi thriller that previously had an awards-friendly release date. Smart move…. At this point in his fragile career, Cruise just needs to crank out a successful film taken seriously by film critics and movie-goers. Oscar voters can wait."

Great, Friday the 13th. That'll instill a whole lot of confidence in Tom Cruise, we're sure.

But let's be serious, Valkyrie hasn't been shunted back to any old February opening – it's going to be MGM's showcase movie for Presidents Day weekend. You know, Presidents Day. The weekend that Jumper did quite well at this year. And Ghost Rider the previous year. Come on, you must know – it's the weekend where movie studios put out summer films that clearly aren't good enough to be released in the actual summer.

So Tom Cruise has lost all hopes of Oscar glory, plus his studio is showing signs of losing faith with his movie, but people are still going to go an watch Valkyrie in their millions, right?

Actually, we're not so sure about that either. Let's not forget that this new Valkyrie release date clashes with the Super Pet Expo in King Of Prussia, PA. And given the choice between subjecting yourself to yet another insufferable Tom Cruise ego fluff or an afternoon spent looking at a cuddly little puppies, what would you do?

Read more:

'Valkyrie' release switch takes Oscar heat off Tom Cruise - LA Times