Grown Up Gossip & Internet Villainy
You may be forgiven for thinking that One Direction is literally a one-man band. “Harry Styles this, Harry Styles that” seems to be all that we hear in newspapers daily. And yes, we know about Harry’s activity between the sheets. We’ve had the long list of girlfriends that have become little more than notches in his bedpost. But did you know that he’s not the only one to be getting up to that kind of behavior in the band?!
That’s right. Come on down, Zayn Malik!
We’ve all been there. You’re hanging out the back of your super-hot celebrity girlfriend when suddenly you think “I’m not emotionally fulfilled here.” Forget the perfect face, the bounteous lips and the banging set of boobs that don’t come out on celluloid except for a $20 million fee. Dammit, you’re more than a robot, and you have feelings, and this woman doesn’t support your desire to create an animatronic version of Led Zeppelin!
You know what you have to do, don’t you? You’ve got to man up and end that relationship. Sure – you’ll feel bad. But don’t. Because it’s the circle of life. And it moves us all: through despair and hope, through faith and love. ‘Til we find our place on the path unwinding. It’s the circle. The circle of life.
Who knew that this face was capable of loving any one man, never mind two? Kristen Stewart is a massive whore, it seems, enraging Twihards everywhere (including Youtube user Nuttymadam, who is, well, a nutty madam). Not content with sleeping with quiffed strong, silent dreamboat Robert Pattinson, Stewart decided she needed to also get friendly with director Rupert Sanders.
Of course, no good comes from cheating. But there’s a small glimmer of hope to be found in the sordid situation. It turns out that Kristen Stewart isn’t in fact a soulless, smile-free dummy whose job it is to brood and look depressed on celluloid and red carpets. She’s someone capable of romantic feelings – she has so many feelings that she couldn’t just share them with one person! (Which is in itself a little scuzzy, but frankly we didn’t know she had it in her so it’s impressive nonetheless.)
We all know that relationships are tough, even for the most boring people amongst us. Actually, especially for them. Imagine having nothing to say to someone that you think you love but you’re too much of a dullard to actually express the emotion. That must be heart-rending.
See the link? Yes, that’s right folks X Factor 200- err… winner Alexandra Burke has come out and claimed that she finds her long-distance relationship with Marcus Anthony (not the J.Lo one) “hard”.
The queen of fantastic adjectives has stated that it sometimes makes her “sad” and is “not nice”.
Let’s face it, if you only read one celebrity story this week, it really should be this one. Sit back, relax, pop on your limited edition casette single of ‘Unbreak My Heart’, get The Nutty Professor on your DVD player and have a psychiatrist on standby because this is going to blow your tiny mind.
Eddie Murphy is dating Toni Braxton.
Yeah.
Remember when Slash was in a band? Then he wimped off because he was getting picked on by a man in cycling shorts, preferring to job it as a guitar slag for hire? Well, in addition to ‘guitar solo for hire’, he’s now?Jim Carrey’s relationship advisor!
No, honestly he is.
Carrey got all?heartbroken following the breakdown of a relationship, so for seemingly no reason at all, Slash decided he was the man to cheer him up, all the while, wearing his Papa Lazaru top-hat and afro combo! Awww!
Like Chris Brown in a boxing gym, we’re not surprised to see that you’ve come back for more.
Of course, the outraged backlash against our good pal Breezy has seen #TeamBreezy go into remission, hiding around the corner, waiting to spread into our lymph nodes as soon as we let our guard down. That’s not to say that Chris Brown and his sycophantic legion of slack-jawed domestic abuse apologists are a cancer of the world of entertainment. That would be potentially libellous.
They are though.
It might surprise you to learn that dubstep superstar Skrillex has managed to evade our detection up until now. Fans of uninspired, grimy rubbish need live in fear no longer. He finally matters to us!
Why do we suddenly care what the Greasy-Haired Prince of the Undercut is up to? Well, in case you haven’t heard he’s been making kissy-faces with Ellie Goulding of “having a jaw the size of a cruise-liner” fame.
There we go, there’s your jokes about their appearances. Did you enjoy them? No? Good.
Every week it’s the same, nothing ever really changes. We come into the hecklerspray bedsit on a Monday morning, having been released to poison the outside world over the weekend, and find the same stinking pizza boxes, the same drained bottles of methylated spirits and the same greasy,?ignominious faces staring at us across the room.
Our ‘colleagues’ as we laughingly refer to them are actually lawyers who, down on their luck after losing a Tax Evasion case, have rented out the far corner of the bedsit which is sometimes known as “The Fred West Wing”. They look ill. Lawyers always look ill.
Perhaps it’s the smell which is putting them off their writs. The festering stench of the opposite corner, marked out by a laminated card which- in odious Comic Sans- reads “POST”. It’s enough to make anyone sick to their stomach.
It’s Friday and the hecklerspray bedsit has breathed a collective sigh of relief as they’re allowed out into the world to live among functioning humans for a couple of days. Unfortunately, I’m still here as there are Readers’ Letters to be analysed. Still, it’s nice to have a bit of peace and quiet to work. No Mof Gimmers shouting about codpieces, no Sophie Hall shouting at Kris Wood for making a reclining chair out of sausage and no Euan L Davidson, breathing heavily in my ear.
Yes folks, Fridays are the nicest time to be in the bedsit. It’s easier to sit in “the clean chair” and the stale stench of discarded cigarettes and methylated spirits is beginning to lift. Unfortunately, that means that the foetid stench of the hecklerspray post bag is coming through loud and clear.
It stings the nostrils.
