Think what you will, but you all know deep down that the upcoming presidential election will be won and lost on the say-so of one person – Lindsay Lohan.

You might not realise it, but it’s true. Look at Lindsay Lohan – she definitely thinks so. Earlier this week Lindsay was blogging her little freckles off about mean old Sarah Palin, and now she’s decided to host a number of events for her candidate of choice, Barack Obama.

Trouble is, Barack Obama would rather dip his balls in acid than let Lindsay Lohan even begin to help him out, and his people have turned all of her offers down. But don’t worry, because Lindsay Lohan has put the snub behind her and moved onto bigger and better things. Well, maybe not bigger. And better’s a slight exaggeration. But things. Definitely things.

Staring into the middle distance and cultivating a staggering lack of self-awareness still counts as a thing, doesn’t it? Good.

Hey everyone, remember Barack Obama? He was the man who was going to be president once. We don’t really know what happened to him, though. He sort of disappeared from view at the exact same time that Sarah Palin popped up and captured everyone’s heart with her adorable pregnant teenage daughter and equally adorable crackpot Creationist viewpoint.

Well, news has reached us that Barack Obama is still running for president. It’s just that everyone’s been too sidetracked trying to pay attention to what Meg Ryan and Pamela Anderson think of Sarah Palin to notice.

Not that Barack Obama should worry, though, because he’s still got one dyed-in-the-wool superfan left. It’s just a shame that that fan is Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan has really been swept up by this whole election thing – one minute she’s writing semi-coherent outpourings about Sarah Palin on her blog and the next she’s considering going naked for Playboy which technically hasn’t got anything to do with the election but we just thought we’d mention it anyway – and she wants to do all she can to help make Barack Obama the next president of America.

Now, realistically the best thing that Lindsay Lohan could do to help Barack Obama do anything is go outside, dig a big hole in the garden, climb into the hole and stay there in silence until the middle of November, but that’s not really Lindsay Lohan’s style.

Instead, Lindsay offered to hold several events for Barack Obama. And, in response, Barack Obama sort of puffed out his cheeks and refused to make eye contact until Lindsay shuffled away. Fox reports:

The trouble-prone actress offered to host a series of events aimed at younger voters, but the Democratic presidential candidate’s camp wasn’t interested… Lohan ”is not exactly the kind of high-profile star who would be a positive for us,” a top source on the Obama team told the paper.

Of course, Barack Obama is completely right here. The moment he lets Lindsay Lohan go out and rally for him, he’s in her pocket. Next thing you know president Obama will keep having to deal with Lindsay Lohan ringing him up and asking him why he, like, doesn’t make the paparazzi illegal because she was totally just in Starbucks and this guy came up to her and was all like “Let me take your photo” all up in her face and shit and it made her sad.

It’s just a shame that Barack Obama had to turn Lindsay Lohan down, though. With a bit more foresight he could have seen all the potential locked up inside her. After all, she knows nothing about politics but can happily bang on about it for hours, she’s pretty but not as pretty as she seems to think she is, she’s slowly becoming more and more of a global joke and nobody in their right mind would ever take anything she says even slightly seriously.

Forget letting her run events, Barack Obama should have named Lindsay Lohan as his vice president. It’s done wonders for the other guy.

She may have officially become one of the world’s dullest people, not bothering to get into even the most minor of mishaps, but we’re still sticking with the girl.

Because we like Lindsay Lohan – how could we not? She’s given us so much entertainment, so many words to write and so much vitriolic rage to spew. It’s hard to be really very mad at an old friend.

But it wouldn’t seem that hard for Lindsay’s ‘born-again Christian ex-convict of an absentee father’ (copyright Stuart Heritage 2008), Michael Lohan, to give up on his own flesh and blood for mere ‘religious’ reasons. Big Mike has decided he can’t walk his daughter down the aisle should her rumoured gay wedding come to fruition, as it would go against his born-again Christianity belief system.

You’ve got to love religion. Especially when it’s one that you’ve been turned on to about four minutes ago. Whereas your daughter has been around for most of her life. Can’t argue with the man’s priorities, we suppose.

Michael Lohan has said from the very beginning that he would be fine if young Lindsay were to come out publicly as a lesbian, though that is pretty much a given. When you have a daughter that whores herself off to every man in the world (give or take a few billion), gets boozed up on booze every two minutes and possibly has a sex tape where she’s all naked and stuff, well – there’s a lot he’s had to put up with through the years.

Plus we hear Christians are good at that forgiveness lark, so she’s onto a winner there.

But no, it would seem simply walking his daughter a few steps towards her wedding ceremony would prove too much for daddio. Talking to The Scoop, who happened to be listening for some reason, Michael said this collection of words:

“I haven’t heard anything [about an upcoming wedding] from Lindsay, but if she was marrying Sam, I don’t think she’d ask me to walk her down the aisle. She knows about my Christian faith … she just wouldn’t ask.”

But it’s not all doom and gloom from the big Negative Nancy, who still supports his daughter’s choices in life. Even if he acts like he doesn’t, then tries to put any family members or possible family members through the wringer for his own nefarious ways. Michael Lohan went on to say, most likely continuing by using his mouth:

“I want her to be happy and healthy and stay on the right path. If I discuss her relationship, I say that I want her to be happy.”

It would appear to be pretty clean cut and straightforward for once in the world of the Lohans – she is apparently having a gay wedding, he sees this as being against his beliefs so does not wish to be involved. Fair enough.

But when is he going to admit that the real reason he doesn’t want to walk Lindsay down the aisle is because of what is waiting at the end? Frankly, even hecklerspray would be afraid of the sight of Sam Ronson standing at the other side of a room, looking at you as you slowly approach. She’s even worse when she’s wearing those bloody hats – it’s downright menacing.

Have you heard the news? Boyzone are reforming because they've put aside their differences and not because Take That and the Spice Girls have got rich doing it and nobody cares about Ronan Keating's solo career any more.

Yes, Boyzone – the most famous elderly Irish boyband after Westlife and Murtagh Fitzpatrick And The Clodpoopers – are reforming, but there's a hitch. Boyzone wanted their comeback single to be I Gave It All Away, a song written by inexplicably popular annoyance Mika – but Mika's not having it. That's a good thing, because when a band interprets a songwriter's work, the result is often a brand-new, unique piece of music spliced equally from each party's DNA like a baby – and we can all agree that a part-Mika/ part-Boyzone baby would probably end up looking and sounding a lot like the disfigured genetically-deformed mutant puppy from The Fly II.

Although the reunions of Take That and the Spice Girls have shown that there's definitely a market for cacky old past-it pop groups transparently trying to make a quick buck for as long as they can bear looking at each other for, the failure of the All Saints comeback and the East 17 comeback proved that it's just as easy for these comebacks to fail.

So right now it could go either way for Boyzone, the Westlife-inventing Irish boyband responsible for Ronan Keating, that bloke who used to be on Coronation Street, him out of Love Island, the one who looks like he's spent the last decade sobbing, The Other One and – to a lesser extent – Louis Walsh. This week Boyzone reported that they were reforming after what seems to be a painfully short amount of time. We would have reported it, but we were too busy crying.

But the Boyzone reunion isn't without its obstacles. And not the obvious obstacle, either – the obstacle of Ronan Keating being so completely punch-worthy that the other Boyzone members would be so busy thinking about slapping him in his stupid smug face that they'd never get any work done – but another obstacle. It's been reported that Boyzone wanted to use I Gave It All Away, a song written by infuriating one-hit wonder Mika, as their lead comeback single with a performance on Children In Need to promote it. However, Mika has refused to let Boyzone release it because he apparently thinks that Boyzone are 'too cheesy' – a little like Dr Harold Shipman chiding Fred West for being 'too murdery.'

The Sun quotes an 'industry insider' as saying:

"Mika wrote the song and made it available for other artists. Boyzone loved it. They thought it was perfect to launch their comeback so they recorded it and it sounded great – a certain No 1. Just like the track, Mika gave it all away. But then he took it back again."

While in the short-term this is an obvious win-win for all involved – because the end result of a Boyzone/ Mika hybrid would invariably sound like a gang of dullards trying to mimic a twelfth-rate Freddie Mercury impersonator with a keychange in the middle where everyone stands up, and almost certainly the very worst thing your ears would have ever heard – it might be worth taking all this with a pinch of salt.

Because, after all, Boyzone's manager used to be Louis Walsh – a man who'd happily feed any old bullshit to the press so long as he got a speck of publicity out of it – so the truth is probably that Mikey Graham from Boyzone just saw Mika from his cardboard box outside Woolworths and asked for some change, to which Mika replied "I gave it all away. Plus I need the money I do have for when people work out I'm rubbish and stop buying my records in a few months' time."

Or something.