Remember when Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe got divorced? No, no of course you don’t remember.

That’d be ridiculous. Nobody on the face of the planet – including the parents of both Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe – cares about Reese Witherspoon or Ryan Phillipe enough to retain the knowledge that they were even married, let alone that they got divorced.

And this has angered Reese Witherspoon. So much so that, three full years after her divorce, she’s decided to open up about it to Elle magazine. If you won’t read on, Reese’s summary is roughly: “Blah blah blah whine moan blah.”

You might see Reese Witherspoon on TV advertising Avon products, or doing whatever the hell else it is that she does, and think “My, that unfortunately-chinned millionaire must be having the time of her life. Why, she’s so wonderful that her career can even withstand her making an unpopular film about a girl with a pig’s face and an unpopular film about genuinely dreary CIA procedures back to back. Oh, I wish I was Reese Witherspoon.” But you’d be wrong.

You don’t want to be Reese Witherspoon. Reese Witherspoon’s life is comprised of nothing but utter misery. In fact, Reese Witherspoon might have it tougher than any other human who has ever lived.

That’s partly because of her chin, partly because her day job seems to involve hanging round with Vince Vaughn a lot and partly because of her 2006 divorce from Ryan Phillipe, the star of… wait, um… no, it’ll come to us.

There are all sort of theories as to why Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe got divorced. Some say that it was because Reese’s Oscar-winning fame was emasculating to Ryan, others say that it was because they met young and drifted apart, while there’s also the school of thought that claims Reese Witherspoon left Ryan Phillipe because he was definitely banging another woman.

But the causes for the divorce no longer matter, because it happened three whole years ago and Reese Witherspoon has moved on with her life. She’s shacked up with Jake Gyllenhaal, she’s forging ahead professionally and – oh, hang on, no. Apparently it does matter, because Reese Witherspoon has just done an entire bloody interview about it with Elle magazine. People reports:

“When people get in your face and say, ‘This will pass,’ you think: Are they crazy? I’m never gonna feel any better than I feel right this minute and nothing’s ever gonna make sense again. And I still have moments where I’m like, ‘Nothing’s ever gonna make sense again.’” She calls the split in 2006 “very humiliating and very isolating.”

The weird thing about this is that Reese Witherspoon has decided to tear open her belly about her divorce for no reason at all. True, Monsters Vs Aliens is being released this month, but according to IMDb, Reese is only the seventh lead voice artist in that. People won’t even be able to scour her face for traces of divorce-related pain when it comes out.

No, Reese Witherspoon needs to learn to save this sort of thing for when she has her own movie out. And then she should start a fight with Ryan Phillipe’s new girlfriend. And then she should get her boobs out on the cover of a magazine. Doesn’t she realise that’s how Jennifer Aniston got to where she is today?

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