Hey! The Devil seems okay doesn’t he? Sure, some of his followers are a bit mental and go around killing people in his name and indulge in strange practises while praising him… just like Roman Catholics without the whole ‘child buggering’ thing.
Anyway, Reese Witherspoon has signed on to star in Devil’s Knot. That’s a forthcoming drama about the funny feeling Satan gets in his stomach when he sees a girl he fancies.
Actually, it isn’t. It’s much darker than that. In fact, it’s about murder and the only thing more sickened and twisted than the goat boy himself… THE AMERICAN LEGAL SYSTEM.
Robert Pattinson, a man so terminally dull that people in comas have revived themselves briefly to turn off their own life support machines, is starring in a film with elephants, which is nice isn’t it? In this film, he has a threesome.
Not with two lady elephants, mind.
Nope, R-Pattz gets to chow down in a ménage à trois with a couple of human co-stars, leaving 90% of our readers thinking about Pattinson’s beige buttocks bobbing up and down. You dirty sods. One of the people in this fictional tryst is actress Donna Scott and she’s got something to say about it all, opening and closing her mouth like nobody’s business!
Reese Witherspoon, with her ankle shaped skull, hadn’t been married long before every intimate detail of her ceremony (presumably, that includes the wedding shag they indulged in) was hauled before we in the bleachers, so we could pore over it in the press and not know quite why we were interested.
Did the knowledge of Witherspoon’s dress designer and guest list really add any value to our lives? No. But it’s kinda fun to annoy people with more money and talent than us, right?
And so, to gripe about her loss of privacy, the Walk The Line actress decided to open up about her private thoughts to a magazine so we could read all about it.
This Christmas will forever be forgotten as the one that was filled with celebrities proposing to each other. Natalie Portman, LeAnn Rimes, Hugh Hefner and Lily Allen have all announced their intentions to get wed, which is obviously cripplingly sweet and pleasant.
Not that this will stop us from berating them all in some way. Apart from Natalie Portman because she’s just lovely. The git.
And now, adding her name to the list of Talks About Nothing Other Than Stupid Wedding Dresses is Hollywood thesp Reese Witherspoon who is sometimes very beautiful, other times, akin to something dug up from the soil of a pensioner’s allotment.
Reese Witherspoon is a famous actress, most notably for playing Greta Wolfcastle in The Simpsons. Oh hang on. No. She’s famous for playing playing June Carter in Johnny Cash flick, Walk the Line. Very good she was too. Now, she’s going to be singing again.
This time, Witherspoon will play the lead role in a biopic about late jazz star Peggy Lee. That’s nice isn’t it?
You know Ryan Phillippe? Actually, no, how silly of us. Of course you don’t know who Ryan Phillippe is.
It’s not like he’s famous or anything, is it? But anyway, Ryan Phillippe – who was in a film once or something – used to be married to Reese Witherspoon. But they split up, because either a) Reese Witherspoon realised that Ryan Phillippe had been cheating on her with Abbie Cornish, or b) she just forgot who he was on the basis that he isn’t famous.
Well, now it’s emerged that Abbie Cornish has now split up with Ryan Phillippe, because either a) Ryan Phillippe has an untameable wandering eye or b) she just forgot who he was on the basis that he isn’t famous. Pretty sure it’s the second one, actually.
It’s hard to care about Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon, isn’t it? There’s just nothing to them.
Plus they met on the set of Rendition. And anyone able to fall in love on a film that unwatchably dreary deserves to be chemically castrated. And Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon don’t even have a cute Brangelina-style name. That’s possibly because it’d have to be Jeese or Rake or Withensphaan or Gyllerhoon or something crap like that, but it’s more likely to be because nobody cares.
Anyway, some people say that Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon have split up. Other people say that they haven’t. Please adjust the tragectory of your lives accordingly.
Remember when Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe got divorced? No, no of course you don’t remember.
That’d be ridiculous. Nobody on the face of the planet – including the parents of both Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe – cares about Reese Witherspoon or Ryan Phillipe enough to retain the knowledge that they were even married, let alone that they got divorced.
And this has angered Reese Witherspoon. So much so that, three full years after her divorce, she’s decided to open up about it to Elle magazine. If you won’t read on, Reese’s summary is roughly: “Blah blah blah whine moan blah.”
Hey! The Devil seems okay doesn’t he? Sure, some of his followers are a bit mental and go around killing people in his name and indulge in strange practises while praising him… just like Roman Catholics without the whole ‘child buggering’ thing.
