Thousands of Harry Potter fans with nothing better to do decided to stand in a queue all night while the heavens opened on them, making them wetter than Ron Weasley’s demeanour. Trafalgar Square is now overrun with Potterists with the local council considering exterminating them like rats as they breed in the streets, birthing runts diseased with magic.

Of course, these poor souls stood beneath the rainclouds ahead of the world premiere of the final instalment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (pt 2), posing the question – why not wait a couple of weeks and watch it online where you won’t get pneumonia from sleeping like tramps in the road?

Naturally, they’ll be hanging around to see the cast, which includes recovering alcoholic Daniel Radcliffe and Emma ‘Are We Still Calling It A New Haircut?’ Watson. It’ll be thrilling for the stars to meet their fans, who will, by the time it gets to this evening,  smell so bad that even a botfly would vomit in their presence, refusing to lay their eggs in the foetid skin of the Potterites.

The film itself doesn’t see release ’til 15 July and it’d be hilarious if tonight’s premiere was postponed until then, just to test the fandom of the people in the streets right now, who invariably, have started a small scream which will gradually turn into a deafening, rasping shriek of wonderment.

Some of the 8,000 fans have been staking out their spot beside the red carpet since Monday, with some fools travelling from China just to get crushed in a throng while Daniel Radcliffe walks by wishing he was drunk.

And one weird factoid surrounding this event is that the red carpet itself is three-quarters of a mile long. Seriously. That’s a long carpet. Unless they’ve just got Gene Simmons to unfurl his tongue for them to all pad down?

It’s all a bit weird for the stars though. Rupert Grint, who plays Ron, says:

“Back then I was so fearless and on such a high and nothing fazed me. A few years down the line you’re a bit more self-conscious – it’s that awkward stage you go though when you’re a teenager.”

Critics have preemptively praised the film, probably without having seen it. It’s better to do so because you can then hope that you’ll get more freebies from the studio and Potterists will buy your worthless rag in droves.

We’ve seen it. And it’s shit. (We’re just saying that to be contrary, but it definitely won’t be as good as Cannonball Run).

ARE YOU WALKING PAST THE PREMIERE TODAY? WHY NOT TAKE A PICTURE OF THE STUPID PEOPLE DOWN THERE AND TWEET IT TO US ON TWITTER? ADDRESS BELOW. STUPIDEST PICTURE WINS A PRIZE.

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Six months ago, we had no idea who Selena Gomez was. At least we now know she is a real life person with feelings and emotions, and most importantly, she is supposed to be stepping out with warbling pre-pubescent pipsqueak Justin Bieber.

That’s right – Justin Bieber – a human who must hold some sort of record for making music despite flopping out his mother’s womb about five minutes ago. He does, however, possess a power that no hecklerspray writer has – the ability to make the opposite sex explode in a ball of lust and desire.

Every woman on Earth is attracted to Justin Bieber, but for lucky Selena Gomez, he picked her to pop his cuddling virginity. Subsequently, she’s been thrown into the spotlight, but at red carpet events, she doesn’t feel totally comfortable. Bummer.

We kind of feel a bit for Selena Gomez. Not only does she have to deal with psychotic Beliebers who threaten to harm her on a daily basis, but she doesn’t seem to possess any noticeable talent. In theory she’d make a great UK celebrity as just about anyone can get their own reality show after being spotted in the same kebab shop as the second assistant cameraman who worked on the Bargain Hunt.

So far, it doesn’t appear that the vultures of the photography world, otherwise known as the paparazzi haven’t embedded Selena Gomez with some sort of GPS tracking device so they can take snaps of her bending over to pick up dropped change or standing in dog muck. Until she appears with a small bump in her clothing which can be interpreted as a pregnancy bulge, she probably won’t be bothered. Gomez said:

“I am a normal girl next door. I can still walk down the street, so in that respect I’m quite lucky. But some things in my life don’t come naturally, like walking the red carpet. It’s pretty scary! It’s not that I’m not confident in myself, it’s just that the red carpet is not somewhere I feel totally comfortable.”

If Selena Gomez doesn’t like the glitz and glam of the celebrity circuit, we’d like to offer an all expenses paid trip round to our bedsit where she’ll really understand the whole ‘not being totally comfortable’ thing.

We’ll show her the sights of mildew and rotten floorboards, coupled with the daily visit from our local neighbourhood glue sniffer, the constant bleak weather and fine cuisine from our takeaway “Fanny’s Batter.” And no, we don’t believe that they use dog meat in their burgers. It’s probably human.

Best thing is, if she does come ’round for tea, we could potentially lure Bieber into our grotty evil lair and give him dead legs!

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Red carpet events look like a right hoot don’t they? I mean, you get to wear posh clothes whilst being screamed at by blokes with cameras wanting you to perform a variety of poses, showing off your backless dress/arseless trousers. Then, once everyone has finished screaming at you (or indeed, failing to hurling abuse at you), you slink away to glug champagne from glasses forged out of truffles and unicorn hooves.

However, there’s a good chance that, like us, you’re utterly useless plebs who will never be able to glide down a red carpet and make people gasp and jerk in astonishment. Quite simply, you’re deluding yourself if you think you can simply waltz up to an event and everyone will suddenly realise your star quality and immediate avert their eyes, but not their love.

That is, unless you follow our 5 step guide to blagging your way down a red carpet. It’s doable, but you might have to throw your dignity (and possibly the gusset of your undergarments) to one side. Click over the jump as fleeting stardom awaits.

1. Get off with Perez Hilton

The easiest way to stardom is to make a sex-tape. Then, after infamy, you can strut down the red carpet on the arm of someone famous who thinks you’re a bit of a minx – which of course, you are. However, sex-tapes might get a bit old hat, so we predict that tapping off with a celebrity blogger is the way forward. As no-one at Hecklerspray owns either genitals or any sway in the celebrity world, you’ll have to entertain Perez Hilton. Give it a try and you’ll be getting punched in the eye by someone from Black Eyed Peas in no time!

2.Kill everyone who says you can’t go down the red carpet

A simple – but risky – strategy is to buy yourself lots of ammo and a massive gun. Simply arrive at the red carpet and any person thwarting your way should be met with a simple round of bullets to the throat. Essentially, ‘go postal’ (not to be confused with posting yourself in a giant jiffy bag marked “Any Awards Ceremony Please: For pick up on Red Carpet”)

3. Actually go to all the trouble of becoming a famous person

Spend months starving and sleeping on friend’s couches whilst you perform thousands of unsuccessful auditions in front of tubby men who persist in winking at you. Then, after years of hard work and dubious appearances in commercials and corporate videos, you get your break! Hopefully, Danny Boyle will spot you and turn you into a little starlet.

4.Expensive plastic surgery to make you look like someone famous

Essentially, you’ll need to turn your life into the dreadful MTV show I Want A Famous Face. Instead of spending all that time learning to act or play an instrument, you could simply go and see some Doctor Nick character and say “Make me look like Mickey Rooney!” To be honest, a monkey with a hammer and half a hacksaw in a darkened room could make you look like that. With any luck, you’ll end up looking dashing like this.

5.Get adopted by Madonna or Angelina Jolie

This is trickier than the rest. Firstly, you’ll need to move to a third world country. You’ll have to be about 2 feet tall and not speak any English. If you’re this far in, then perfect a doe-eyed look that will make a Hollywood A-lister’s crumbly little heart muscle creak to swelling point. Stretch out a hand and meekly say “Mama?” Practise in the mirror and let us know how you get on.

Of course, there is another way. You can avoid all that by (and apologies for the utterly shameless nature of all this) ENTERING THIS COMPETITION BROUGHT TO YOU IN ASSOCIATION WITH STELLA ARTOIS!*

This is definitely for you if you like slurping posh drinks and want to live the life of a superstar celeb like you’re the natural heir to Jacques D’Azur, the enigmatic face of the competition launched by Stella Artois 4% which gives ordinary folks the chance to party like the stars for a weekend.

So if you don’t fancy being brought up by Her Madge, but you would like to be treated like royalty at Cannes 2010, get yourself over to StellaArtois.com and enter the sweepstake! It’s a really amazing prize with the threat of an astonishingly glamorous hangover! Good luck!

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20:02 Baftas in summary. Freezing cold. Soaking wet. Ignored by everyone. Slumdog Millionaire wins everything. Not even drunk.

19:02 Red carpet over. Fingers so cold. But now in a room with Konnie Huq. Therefore, hecklerspray wins again!

18:39 Mickey Rourke blew past everyone. But not as fast as Shia LaBeouf. The tit.

18:35 Brangelina has arrived. People are weeping.

18:09 It’s raining so hard, people are now actually running down the red carpet. Sods.

17:56 Definite Titmuss eye contact made. Eat it, 14 year olds!

17:44 Titmuss!

17:42 Dev Patel! At FULL SPRINT. Get in.

17:34 Lots of intermittent screaming. Its a bit like a terrible sort of ghost house, this.

17:22 This is easily the least glamorous thing in the entire universe.

17:16 Winkleman looks so cold. So very cold.

17:08 Blanked by Michael Sheen. Our life is complete.

16:55 All the women look like Sharon Osbourne so far. Make of that what you will.

16:45 And it’s started to rain. Genius.

16:40 Fearne Cotton is wearing some form of dead land animal as a costume. A foolish sartorial choice, one feels.

16:26 You’ll be thrilled to know that the red carpet is surprisingly springy. Also, Claudia Winkleman just said ‘fuck’.

16:22 Deeply cold.

Now we know you are all probably gonna judge us, but keep in mind that Miley Cyrus is really, really mature for her age.

Her and us could probably talk for hours about the things we have in common – ownership of a bicycle, for instance. Yes, that’s it. We could talk about the ownership of bicycles. Well wherever our fantastic conversation is gonna lead us – it’s gonna lead us there soon. After all, we will do whatever it takes to ensure our eBay bid for a date with her is the one that reins supreme.

It better anyway. We just bought a new button-down shirt at Wal-Mart, and we’re having our favorite pants professionally pressed. We’d be embarrassed to have gone all out like that for nothing.

Miley Cyrus may only be thirteen or something, but she’s an old soul. Her life experience is such that, at least mentally, she’s every bit as forty-seven as we are. This should really help us relate to her while she’s sitting across the McDonalds table from us on the date she agreed to go on so long as we pay her thousands of dollars.

To be clear she hasn’t agreed to any dates yet – but if our bid slips onto eBay uncontested just before the auction closes she sure will. We’re also emailing her a picture of our eyes. Girls really seem to dig our eyes, and we feel it could help our effort.

And yes – we said you can win a date with Cyrus if you successfully buy her on eBay. It sounds a bit like human trafficking or something, which several border-authorities have expressly told us is quite illegal. Be careful – that’s all we’re saying.

All Headline News says of the auction:

“The Disney teen star is auctioning off a date on eBay, with the highest bidder being able to attend the premiere of Cyrus’s Disney animated film “Bolt,” which opens November 26. The highest bid for the night-on-the-town with the Hannah Montana star, 15, currently stands around $2,000. The auction kicked off Tuesday night and ends July 29. The auction is benefiting the Cyrus family’s charity, Pappy Cyrus Family Foundation, named for Miley’s grandfather, which supports underprivileged children.”

Wait – don’t get too excited. The whole thing sounds a lot less date-like when you read about it on the actual eBay site:

“Starting at 7 PM PST July 22 through July 29, you can bid on a once in a lifetime chance to meet Miley Cyrus at the premiere of her new Disney film Bolt, plus take home her personal wardrobe, signed albums and photos, and a few of her favorite things.”

It looks like in the end, nobody new will actually be able to claim any sort of ownership over Cyrus. That’s a shame – because after a few years her resale value would have been through the roof. You know – after she’s had plenty of time to revamp Sex & The City, clarify the definition of what exactly is considered a curse word in the English language, and all her questionable internet pics have aged enough to become bonafide collectables.

After all that you could probably get triple what you paid for her.