Thousands of Harry Potter fans with nothing better to do decided to stand in a queue all night while the heavens opened on them, making them wetter than Ron Weasley’s demeanour. Trafalgar Square is now overrun with Potterists with the local council considering exterminating them like rats as they breed in the streets, birthing runts diseased with magic.
Of course, these poor souls stood beneath the rainclouds ahead of the world premiere of the final instalment of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (pt 2), posing the question – why not wait a couple of weeks and watch it online where you won’t get pneumonia from sleeping like tramps in the road?
Naturally, they’ll be hanging around to see the cast, which includes recovering alcoholic Daniel Radcliffe and Emma ‘Are We Still Calling It A New Haircut?’ Watson. It’ll be thrilling for the stars to meet their fans, who will, by the time it gets to this evening, smell so bad that even a botfly would vomit in their presence, refusing to lay their eggs in the foetid skin of the Potterites.
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Six months ago, we had no idea who Selena Gomez was. At least we now know she is a real life person with feelings and emotions, and most importantly, she is supposed to be stepping out with warbling pre-pubescent pipsqueak Justin Bieber.
That’s right – Justin Bieber – a human who must hold some sort of record for making music despite flopping out his mother’s womb about five minutes ago. He does, however, possess a power that no hecklerspray writer has – the ability to make the opposite sex explode in a ball of lust and desire.
Every woman on Earth is attracted to Justin Bieber, but for lucky Selena Gomez, he picked her to pop his cuddling virginity. Subsequently, she’s been thrown into the spotlight, but at red carpet events, she doesn’t feel totally comfortable. Bummer.
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Red carpet events look like a right hoot don’t they? I mean, you get to wear posh clothes whilst being screamed at by blokes with cameras wanting you to perform a variety of poses, showing off your backless dress/arseless trousers. Then, once everyone has finished screaming at you (or indeed, failing to hurling abuse at you), you slink away to glug champagne from glasses forged out of truffles and unicorn hooves.
However, there’s a good chance that, like us, you’re utterly useless plebs who will never be able to glide down a red carpet and make people gasp and jerk in astonishment. Quite simply, you’re deluding yourself if you think you can simply waltz up to an event and everyone will suddenly realise your star quality and immediate avert their eyes, but not their love.
That is, unless you follow our 5 step guide to blagging your way down a red carpet. It’s doable, but you might have to throw your dignity (and possibly the gusset of your undergarments) to one side. Click over the jump as fleeting stardom awaits. Read More >>>
20:02 Baftas in summary. Freezing cold. Soaking wet. Ignored by everyone. Slumdog Millionaire wins everything. Not even drunk.
19:02 Red carpet over. Fingers so cold. But now in a room with Konnie Huq. Therefore, hecklerspray wins again!
18:39 Mickey Rourke blew past everyone. But not as fast as Shia LaBeouf. The tit.
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Now we know you are all probably gonna judge us, but keep in mind that Miley Cyrus is really, really mature for her age.
Her and us could probably talk for hours about the things we have in common – ownership of a bicycle, for instance. Yes, that’s it. We could talk about the ownership of bicycles. Well wherever our fantastic conversation is gonna lead us – it’s gonna lead us there soon. After all, we will do whatever it takes to ensure our eBay bid for a date with her is the one that reins supreme.
It better anyway. We just bought a new button-down shirt at Wal-Mart, and we’re having our favorite pants professionally pressed. We’d be embarrassed to have gone all out like that for nothing.
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