Amy Winehouse is off the drugs – we know this because we saw a picture of her in a bikini on a beach recently.

And, as everyone knows, drug addicts are allergic to bikinis. Or something. Anyway, the important thing is that Amy Winehouse is off the drugs. And as a normally-functioning member of normal society, Amy Winehouse has decided to concentrate on business. Specifically the business of spending a million quid on trying to make her 12-year-old goddaughter as famous as she is.

Once again, we’d just like to point out that Amy Winehouse is off the drugs. Apparently.

Money can buy you many things, although it seems that self-awareness isn’t one of those things. And for proof of that, you don’t need to look any further than Amy Winehouse.

You’d have to be a sensory-deprived woodlouse not to see all the crap that Amy Winehouse has been through over the last couple of years – there have been drug overdoses, aborted attempts at rehab, spousal imprisonment, chronic lung diseases, alleged piles of crack big enough to see from the moon, supposed infidelities with men who look like junior members of the EastEnders cast and – of course – punching men in the face in front of an audience of millions.

So, now that being famous has sent Amy Winehouse into a sort of death spiral of personal misery, creative near-ruin and life-threatening substance abuse, it only makes sense for her to spend a vast chunk of her fortune on giving a 12-year-old girl a taste of the exact same thing.

As the News Of The World reports, Amy Winehouse has just blown a million quid setting up a record label so that her 12-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield can release an album. Worse still, she’s roping in that crying boy with the pickled onion face from X Factor as well:

The recovering drug addict is spending a whopping £1 million to launch her own record company. She’s named the business Lioness and has already made her first signing — her uber-talented 12-year-old goddaughter Dionne Bromfield. Amy is so confident that Dionne has what it takes to become Britain’s next pop sensation she’s teamed her up with US star Lady Gaga, soul singer Lemar and X Factor finalist Eoghan Quigg to record duets.

Look, we know that it seems a bit weird for Amy Winehouse to want to drag her goddaughter through the same harrowing process that ruined her own life, but there’s no cause for concern. Remember that Dionne Bromfield is only 12 years old, and she’ll be surrounded by the very best, most nurturing support team that money can buy to ensure that she doesn’t fall into the same trap. That team includes Amy Winehouse and… oh good christ no! Someone stop her! Stop her now!

Actually, you know what? Amy Winehouse is wasting her money here. If Dionne Bromfild really wants to become the new Amy Winehouse, she doesn’t need a million-pound record label. She just needs a couple of razorblades, a pointless boyfriend in a shit hat and a binbag full of human hair. Bingo – job done.

Read more:

Amy’s £1 Million Wine Label – NOTW

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!