Not as exciting as this Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, because this week each of the celebrities will be doing a different dance. Lisa Snowdon’s going to do a Tango, Christine Bleakley’s going to do an American Smooth and rumour has it that Andrew Castle’s going to do an epileptic fit. Seriously, watch it on Saturday and you’ll see.

But now, here are the Strictly Come Dancing recaps for John Sergeant, Rachel Stevens and Jodie Kidd…

John Sergeant – He might look like a big cuddly clump of mashed potato, but on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing John Sergeant had to perform a Paso Doble to the Rodrigo Guitar Concerto, so he had to drop the niceness and become a furious hardass for the evening. He fell a little sort of that target and ended up looking more either a) a little boy who’d just been told he couldn’t have any more pudding or b) a horse being attacked by some flies. The dance itself was a little odd – it had all the fiery drama you’d expect from a 64-year-old man who’s spent most of his life talking to politicians about the minutia of trade policies – but he did manage the impossible at the end, when he picked up his partner by her ankles and wrists and swung her around off the ground. The Strictly Come Dancing judges had to say something nice about, right? Well, um… “After all that marching Sergeant, you should be demoted to a private”. Let’s take that as a no. Strictly Come Dancing score – 21

Rachel Stevens - An apology. Last week we suggested that Rachel Stevens wasn’t very clever, but we take that all back. On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, despite all her sulky boohoos in training, Rachel seemed to suddenly learn that for a girl to get a good score at a ballroom dance, all she needs to do is sigh a lot and look a bit vulnerable. Because, in her Viennese Waltz to Everybody Hurts, that’s exactly what she did. Rachel tucked her head into her partner’s chest and gazed her bloody legs off and, despite the routine itself being a bit perfunctory and flat, she managed to get a pretty good response from the Strictly Come Dancing judges, who told her that she was “wistful, sweet and charming.” As a result, Rachel Stevens got one of the highest scores of the night, but we don’t like to think it was for her dancing – we like to think it was because of all the awkward shots of Rachel’s gormless hairy-faced fiance not knowing what to make of all the unfettered romance going on right in front of his nose. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Jodie Kidd – After last week’s surprising comeback, Jodie Kidd tried to take charge of the momentum she built up with a dramatic Paso Doble to Song 2 on Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. And for it, Jodie had to channel up as much anger as she was able to – almost as much anger as you’d have if you just realised that your cocaine-dealing sideline had been exposed by the Sunday newspapers. But in the end that was too much anger, and Jodie Kidd ended up alternating between angry thrashing, ferocious stomping and a weird bit of rudimentary semaphore that seemed to go on for about an hour and a half. It was almost the sort of performance you’d expect from a nutty old hasbeen on cocaine trying to get her career back on track, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges agreed, saying “You went so much for attack, the precision went.” The lesson is clear – Jodie Kidd is only good at slow dances. Or she’s an idiot and deserves to be voted out of Strictly Come Dancing at the earliest opportunity. One or the other, isn’t it. Strictly Come Dancing score – 26

Next week: So many Strictly Come Dancing recaps that you’ll want to cry. Literally cry.

Seriously, we’re Strictly Come Dancing junkies. Actual junkies. Like heroin junkies. When we don’t get any Strictly Come Dancing for a while we go all shivery and bald and Scottish. And we’ve damaged our bodies so much with our Strictly Come Dancing addiction that the only non-collapsed vein we have left to inject Strictly Come Dancing into is in our genitals. It’s not nice.

Anyway, here’s the Strictly Come Dancing recap for Cherie Lunghi’s dance last Saturday…

Cherie Lunghi – We could be wrong here, but we’re getting the feeling that Strictly Come Dancing might have struck a deal with Kenco, because – what with Don Warrington and now Cherie Lunghi – it seems like there’s a bizarre influx of people who’ve been on Kenco adverts on the show this year. Fingers crossed net year they’ll do the same thing with Brut, so we can see Kevin Keegan, John Conteh and Henry Cooper all dancing round like spangly bastards. But back to this year’s Strictly Come Dancing – Cherie Lunghi did a Foxtrot to that song off the deodorant advert, and she did it effortlessly. It was classy, graceful and understated, and the Strictly Come Dancing judges called it the routine of the evening. Flash forward a couple of weeks to the Quickstep, when Cherie Lunghi’s support pants fall down and she dislocates her hip and it’ll be a different story, but for now it’s looking decent. Strictly Come Dancing score – 33

Next week: More Strictly Come Dancing recaps, for the boys.

No, instead the only contact we have with Strictly Come Dancing at this point is with Strictly Come Dancing It Takes Two, and that’s what worries us. This isn’t just the start of Strictly Come Dancing’s annual season, you know – it’s the start of hecklerspray’s annual inexplicable and totally regrettable ‘thing for Claudia Winkleman’ season, too. Pray for us, readers.

Anyway, back to the recap of Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing. Today we’re looking at Gary Rhodes…

Gary Rhodes – In a world stuffed with knobhead chefs, Gary Rhodes stands head and shoulders above everyone else. Swaggering, constantly unhappy and even more pointlessly obsessed with his own moobs than Gordon Ramsay, Gary Rhodes was either going to ace Strictly Come Dancing or destroy his reputation on it. And, guess what, it’s the latter. So preoccupied with perfection that he pretty much spent his entire five-week preseason training making sure he got the first step dead-on, Gary’s Ch Cha Cha to Hippy Hippy Shake ended up being indescribably bad. He was out of time with everything, his partner seemed to have an epileptic fit fairly early on and there was a bewildering part in the middle where she bent over and he sort of bongoed up and down on her back for no logical reason. Usually Strictly Come Dancing has one dancer who’s awful but stays in because they’re funny. Gary Rhodes isn’t even likeable enough for that to happen, we fear. Well, we don’t fear. He’s shit. Strictly Come Dancing score – 17

Tomorrow – the Strictly Come Dancing recap for lovely old John Sergeant.

What are we excited about? To see if Don Warrington can improve his form following his near dismissal from Strictly Come Dancing on Saturday? No. We want to see if Lisa Snowdon actually loves herself as she was making out on this week’s show. Dear God, we hope she doesn’t. That’d be obscene.

Anyway, we should really crack on with our Strictly Come Dancing recap of Saturday’s show. So here it is, and today we’re looking at Austin Healy and Mark Foster…

Austin Healy - Hey everyone, look. It’s a retired rugby player, just like there always has to be a retired rugby player in every reality TV show about dancing because it challenges everyone’s misconceptions about the masculinity of rugby and also because the players are hungry and unemployed and need money for food. Anyway, Austin Healy is on Strictly Come Dancing this year, and already he’s in the running to win it. One of the judges said Austin’s Waltz was the best opening dance by a man he’s ever seen, which is good because it detracts from the fact that he’s about 17 times less funny than he thinks he is. But was Austin Healy’s opening Strictly Come Dancing salvo any good? Christ knows. If you ask us it was about as exciting as watching a bloody lava lamp. Still, Austin Healy’s going to find it especially difficult to top the reception he received for that dance. It’ll be flaming hoops by week three, mark our words. Strictly Come Dancing score – 32

Mark Foster – Mark Foster is, if you don’t know, the swimmer who everyone thought was good until Michael Phelps came along and buggered everything for him. However, this just means that Mark Foster has come to Strictly Come Dancing with a renewed sense of purpose. Grey-haired and in possession of a body that’s half Iggy Pop and half pipe cleaner, everyone expected Mark’s first shot at Strictly Come Dancing to be an explosion of energy. It wasn’t, though. Instead he danced to Tennessee Waltz with all the vigour of a victim of carbon monoxide poisoning sufferer. The dance might have been good, or it might have been rubbish. To be honest we had a bit of a nap during it. But the Strictly Come Dancing judges seemed to think it was pretty average, too. Maybe they know that Michael Phelps kicks his arse at dancing, too. Strictly Come Dancing score – 22

Tomorrow we’ll look at how Gary Rhodes did at Strictly Come Dancing. SPOILER ALERT: He did shit.