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Reality

Charlie Sheen To Denise Richards: Blah Blah Blah, Something About Money

by Stuart Heritage

If you’ve seen Denise Richards on TV defending her decision to whore out her kids on a reality show, you’ll know that she is right and Charlie Sheen is wrong.

But get this – now Charlie Sheen is saying that he’s right and Denise Richards is wrong! That’s crazy – it’s like everything we know is a lie! Or it’s like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of uttershitbaskets who can’t stop bickering in public even though it’ll obviously be detrimental to their childrens’ development.

Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn’t got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though – he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That’s if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn’t like to speculate.

If you've seen Denise Richards on TV defending her decision to whore out her kids on a reality show, you'll know that she is right and Charlie Sheen is wrong. But get this - now Charlie Sheen is saying that he's right and Denise Richards is wrong! That's crazy - it's like everything we know is a lie! Or it's like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of uttershitbaskets who can't stop bickering in public even though it'll obviously be detrimental to their childrens' development. Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn't got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though - he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That's if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn't like to speculate.
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Jennifer Lopez Rears Behind Her Own Reality Show

by hecklerspray staff

Jennifer Lopez, my how we’ve watched you grow.

It seems only yesterday you were hangin’ with Puff Daddy with your corn rows and white jeans while he didn’t shoot Tupac. Then came the Ben Affleck phase, which cursed us all with morphing celebrity couple names into one obnoxious word, but you moved on to get married to a gaunt lizard man like Marc Anthony and have babies like we always hoped you would.

Well, looks like there’s nothing left for you to do. What’s that, Jennifer Lopez? You’re making a reality show? No. Listen carefully – there’s nothing left for you to do.

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Peaches Geldof’s Reality TV Show: Hecklerspray’s Near-Miss

by Matthew Laidlow

Hecklerspray’s Matthew Laidlow recently applied for a job at a magazine, not knowing that it was to be edited by Peaches Geldof as part of an MTV reality TV show. Here’s his account of what happened…

Firstly, let’s be clear – nobody told me that I was going going for a job on a reality TV show or that Peaches Geldof was going to be the editor. Both these factors would have put me off straight away.

So here is my story of how I almost worked with the stupidly named celebrity wannabe Peaches Geldof.

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Pamela Anderson Gets Very Own Generic Reality Show

by Stuart Heritage

Pamela Anderson life is so crazy that it should be a sitcom – a really quite poor sitcom about a woman with underdeveloped emotional maturity and quite a lot of hepatitis.

However Pamela Anderson is too classy to turn her life into a sitcom. So that’s why she’s decided to turn it into a reality show for E! instead.

But don’t expect Pamela to be a tawdry tell-all delve into Pamela Anderson’s personal life – it’s apparently going to be a docu-style series that won’t feature either of Pamela Anderson’s children. It probably won’t feature any of her love interests either, because the near-constant meet/marry/pregnancy scare/divorce cycle Pamela Anderson pounds through on an almost monthly basis will just leave viewers disorientated and confused.

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Nick Lachey’s New Reality Show: Now With More Spontaneous Dancing!

by hecklerspray staff

You know it’s over, don’t you? The diseased entity of reality TV has come to an end, because there is nothing new that can be done.

All reality show topics have been covered, asphyxiated, beaten to a bloody, lifeless pulp and thrown into the East River. Oh, wait. That’s just the blissful recurring dream we keep having. Yeah, no, the reality TV thing is pumping out more hopeless poppycock than ever. Today’s proof of that is the new reality series Nick Lachey has in the works for MTV. It’s pretty much High School Musical with artsy musical type kids spontaneously bursting into song and dance in real life.

So, yeah, essentially your worst nightmare comes roaring to life.

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Lindsay Lohan’s Mother Gets Horrifying Reality TV Show

by Stuart Heritage

If you ever got the feeling that Dina Lohan’s sole aim in life was to live vicariously through Lindsay Lohan’s fame and notoriety, then think again.

Because now Dina Lohan is a star in her own right. Not a film star or a music star like Lindsay Lohan is, though, it’s even better than that – Dina Lohan is going to be become a reality TV star.

E! has finally announced the production of Dina Lohan reality TV show Living Lohan. It’s a wake-up call for all parents really – if you constantly push your young children into a life of showbiz until they eventually crack and become drug-addled, rehab-addicted global jokes, then maybe you can be like Dina Lohan and get a shitty reality TV show that hardly anyone’s going to watch anyway too. Live the dream, parents!

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Denise Richards Reality TV Show A Horrifying, Um, Reality

by Stuart Heritage

Ever wondered what it’s like being Denise Richards?

No, us neither. Not at all. In fact, sometimes entire calendar months pass when we don’t even think of Denise Richards, let alone wonder what it’d be like to actually be her. We’ve got plenty of more important things to wonder about than that.

But tough shit, because Denise Richards has formally announced that she’s making a reality TV show about herself with the express intention of showing everyone what it’s like to be Denise Richards. The show won’t be broadcast until the summer, but we can already guess what it’s like to be Denise Richards – pretty much like being any other idiot, but with better tits.

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Kevin Federline Puts Reality Show On Hold, Humanity To Rejoice

by hecklerspray staff

So, we’re thinking we may have reached a point where we’re desensitised to the antics of crazy Britney Spears. In fact, we’re downright bored.

But you know who has been a shining beacon of stability throughout all of this? Britney’s ex-husband Kevin Federline, that’s who. In fact, he’s been so committed to parenting that he’s apparently postponed the reality show he was maybe going to do about his life as a single dad. We didn’t know he was planning a reality show to begin with, because we can’t afford to buy another TV after we put a fist through the last one when Britney and Kevin: Chaotic premiered.

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Denise Richards To Make Best TV Show In History

by Stuart Heritage

What’s the one thing better than constantly reading about the ridiculous, abnormally braindead custody squabble between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards?

Why, watching it on TV! And that’s exactly why Denise Richards has reached the genius decision to take part in a reality TV show all about her cack-brained efforts to make Charlie Sheen look as monumentally dimwitted as possible in public.

Best of all, there’s nothing that Charlie Sheen can do about it.

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