What children need when coming into this world is stability, warmth, and most importantly, a great big butt to spill out of when the doctor comes a’callin’.

After all, the the more exit room the less likely the baby is to realise that that’s exactly what a fart must feel like. In a world where children’s fart sympathy is starting to cause so much unrest, we really can’t stress big-birthing-butt importance enough.

Speaking of which – a Kardashian is stuffed with child, and we don’t mean their mother again!To tell you the truth, we really don’t know anything about Kourtney Kardashian except that she’s not the one famous for sex on YouTube, she’s not the one famous for sex on MetaCafe, and we think she’s Cuban. Other than that we literally know nothing about her.

Oh – and she’s pregnant. Yup, she’s found somebody to top her off at the sperm pump, and although she’s been relatively mum as to who the father is – we’re pretty certain it’s Snagglepuss. Our reasoning for believing this is we heard she’s recently broken up with Hong Kong Phooey, and so far this whole pregnancy thing has just seemed spiteful.

Plus she’s always got those clumps of belly-rub pink fir stuck to the sweat between her fingers. The clues add up. Seriously.

Here’s E! Online for the real scoop:

“Kourtney Kardashian is going to be a mom! While the E! reality star confirms she’s pregnant with her first child, Ms. K isn’t revealing too much right now. She’s keeping mum on the daddy’s identity and how far along she is.”

That poor kid. Think about it . Right after birth it’ll probably look up towards it’s mother through the doctor’s fingers, realise that if talent comes 100% from heredity he’s screwed, and then he’ll ask a nurse to please just throw him into the big red bag with all the severed arms and what-not.

We jest, we jest! Really the kid’ll  just take solace in knowing that he probably wasn’t conceived in front of a million-plus mouse clicking, extremely sticky audience like his one-day cousins may or may not have to worry about.

And you know what – that sounds like the start to a pretty good life to us.

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As anyone generally considered villainous or reprehensible will tell you, anytime they are in a bank vault with a money-stuffed laundry bag slung over their shoulder, the last thing they want to see is ‘the Orange Glow.’

‘The Orange Glow’ is a criminal industry term for a streaked blur that swoops in and vanquishes all evil everywhere at least once daily. Some say his true identity is a mystery – unknown even to his plus-size wife.

Other’s say it’s actually Dog the Bounty Hunter after another rejuvenating self-tan session.

Speaking of which – someone recently tried to murder him.

In an ideal world all reality TV stars would get either stabbed, shot, or mauled by a thousand geese which have somehow been weened off of duck food in favour of human flesh. It wouldn’t have to happen often – just once a season or so. Sweeps week seems like a good time to air those episodes.

Unfortunately for everybody though – this is not an ideal world. Puck was never gored by anything, Simon Cowell’s never suffered a snake attack, and New York’s mother had a deal fall through where she’d agreed to be pulled to pieces by four horses tied to her extremities. That last one was going to air on VH1, and the deal was for 15 million dollars. Its just what we heard.

One thing TV does have going for it though, at least recently, is that we can all at least watch Duane ‘Dog the Bounty Hunter’ Chapman get shot at. According to CNN:

When a fugitive fired shots at bounty hunter Duane “Dog” Chapman in Colorado Springs, Colorado, Tuesday night, cameras were rolling for his reality TV show, Chapman said. The man, later captured by Chapman’s wife and son, apologized to the Chapmans for shooting at them…[An] attempted murder charge — for shooting while fleeing — will likely be dropped because no gun was found [according to Dog].

When asked how he and his family avoided so many whizzing bullets, Chapman said only that he’d raised his huge mullet into a protective-shield mode where he and his wife his behind. Everyone else just hid behind Mrs. Chapman’s meaty leg.

All of that was very paraphrased, mind you. Or fabricated.

Well this must be a delightful change of pace for Dog. He’s got his show back since he decided not to be racist anymore. Mexico’s decided to let his rat-infested prison sentence slide a bit, and although all native Americans have made it quite clear they don’t want him crashing their tribal parties, Aborigines have given him an open invitation to tour their rain stick factories anytime he’s down under.

That’s who makes rain sticks, right? The Aborigines?

It just looks like a craft they’d be good at.

We thought so.

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Sadly, none of these groups watch Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. The group that likes her won’t watch it because they don’t like how she’s portrayed in it, the group that hates her won’t watch it because they hate her and the group that doesn’t care won’t watch it because ultimately they’re quite sensible. And that’s why Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is getting cancelled.

Personally we blame the title. Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is both vague and untrue. Denise Richards Exceeds The Most Negative Aspects Of Her Reputation While Simultaneously Doing Her Best To Prove The Opposite would have got the viewers flooding in. But, no, nobody ever listens to us.

If someone told you to go and make a TV show about Denise Richards’ life, there’s an overwhelming chance that you’d have picked one of the following options:

1) Woo Hoo! It’s The Denise Richards Bikini Trampoline Hour!

2) Laptop/Old Lady Discus Eventing With Denise Richards.

3) Denise Richards Apologises For That James Bond Film Directly Into Camera For Up To Six Hours At A Time.

What you wouldn’t make is Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, a reality TV platform for Denise Richards to endlessly bleat about how the media twists everything she says and occasionally sit down with her nephew and have awkward conversations about whether or not he’s ever cracked one off to her threesome scene from Wild Things.

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated came whirling in on a cloud of mad eyed spite-hype and promised to rip the lid of the pointlessly bitter feud that’s raging on between Denise Richards and her ex-husband Charlie Sheen, only for E! viewers to realise that even they didn’t care about Denise Richards to sit through hour after hour of utter tedium to get there.

So Denise Richards: It’s Complicated has been cancelled. Probably. Here’s OK! magazine with more:

“The numbers started out pretty good – just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode,” a source told The Insider yesterday. “But the audience has dropped off… Viewers were disgusted that a mother of two young girls would use such foul language,” the source adds.

That this news comes at the exact same time that Charlie Sheen has impregnated his new wife and got a massive payrise must be a kick in the teeth for Denise Richards. All she wanted to do was raise her children in the uncomfortable spotlight of the media and now even that unalienable right has been taken away from her.

Who knows what Denise Richards will do next (porn)? She’s a working mother with bills to pay (do porn please) and with her acting career drying up there can’t be many more avenues for her to explore (porn, do porn, for the love of all that’s holy Denise Richards do porn porn porn porn porn).

Anyway, we can survive the loss of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated so long as nobody buggers around with Living Lohan. We don’t know what we’d do if both our favourite reality TV shows about a famous woman with questionable parenting skills that we’ve never watched more than 15 seconds of were cancelled, you see.

There’s no punchline to that, by the way, it’s just a question. Maybe it’s because of her ridiculous legal fees, or maybe it has any other real reason behind it, but Britney Spears is reportedly in talks for another reality show for MTV.

While we’re not so cynical as to deny there may be genuine reasons for the show, we are cynical enough to expect this to be one of the worst decisions she has ever made. Reality shows aren’t exactly the fast-track to normality that Britney seems to think they are, and her reasons of ‘to get me mah kids back’ isn’t exactly the finest of reasons to put yourself on worldwide public display.

While you’re recovering from a mental breakdown. While your dad has to look after you. While you’re trying desperately not to humiliate yourself publicly again. Someone have a word with the girl, please.

While we were content to see stories of Britney complaining about how much she’s paid to not get her kids back and how much they like her spaghetti (home made sauce, apparently), evidently young Ms Spears isn’t that content. She wants us to be able to laugh at her again – she wants us to mock her, violently.

It’s almost as if she’s read that hecklerspray has been complaining about feeling somewhat sympathetic towards her. It’s very kind of her to try and get some semblance of normality re-established, and it’s especially kind of her to bring us back our Britney-smile which we lost so long ago.

According to monstersandcritics.com:

The proposed programme will focus on Britney’s attempts to get her life and career back on track following her breakdown earlier this year.

So presumably it will focus on Britters as she tries to hock her reality TV show to anyone who will listen, seeing as that seems to be her method of getting her life back on track. How being a star of a reality show is good grounds to give someone their kids back we don’t know, but that seems to be the prevalent thought running through this.

A source told The Daily Star newspaper these words:

“Britney’s dad is furious. He thinks it’s a big mistake and doesn’t want anything to do with it. But Britney thinks it will help her custody battle for her two sons.”

Whereas a ‘pal’ – the Star’s words, not ours – was as upbeat as one would expect from such a potential development:

“This could turn out to be the biggest car crash television moment of all time.”

Frankly, so long as she doesn’t have any serious mental breakdowns during the show, that could be a very good thing. We all need to be perked up in this post-9/11, credit crunch knife-crime fueled world of war and the lack of basic human rights. So what better way than to laugh at the very public downfall of a celebrity?

Though we would like to offer some constructive criticism for Britney Spears – she could come up with some new material. We mean, we’ve seen her have a public breakdown before, it’s not like this is anything new to the lay person.

Maybe if she happened to have an accident at a toxic waste plant and got herself some superpowers it would have a real draw for the audience, but as it stands it just looks to be the repeated downfall of that one who went out with Kevin Federline. Not ‘great’ TV by anyone’s imagination.

To get noticed purely for being a no-talent twit with all the affability of a particularly itchy and prominently positioned boil, that is.

We at the mighty hecklerspray wouldn’t know about this from first-hand experience, of course, as we are friendly, approachable, talented and popular. As well as influential. But we learn how difficult it must be for these not-even-Z-listers that pop up every now and then when yet another publicity grabbing event occurs.

This time it’s the turn of Omarosa. Wait – who?

Ah – a ‘reality star’. Code, in this post-9/11 world for ‘utter nobody that for some reason still pollutes the airwaves with their pointless presence’. Or: ‘the American version of Jade Goody‘. Pointless, pointless people that drift through existence on a diet fit for a king, known by passers-by and actually liked by some members of the public. Solely because they once did one thing on some TV show or another.

Yes, this is the camp that Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth falls firmly into. And she’s helped her ‘I have nothing worthwhile to contribute to society’ quota no end with an appearance on The Wendy Williams Show on Monday, where she proceeded to have an argument with the host and generally be something of an attention-seeking waste of space.

Apparently irritated by the introduction she recieved to the show, Omarosa proceeded to rant, snatch back her book she was there to promote (probably called ‘How To Lose Friends, Alienate People, And Register Even Lower On The Celebrity Scale Than Toby Young’) and mock host Wendy Williams’ looks.

Well, it’s certainly an interesting take on the whole chat show guest thing, kind of bringing in a new level of idiocy to proceedings. Why bother politely accepting the fact that you’ve been deemed worthy of appearing on national television and are allowed a few minutes of time, to yourself, to hock whatever it is you want to sell to the plebs this week when you can be a complete knob about things and make the public that already dislike you hate you even more?

But hey, at least Wendy Williams managed to respond in a professional and thoroughly correct manner to the whole debacle, telling the Associated Press that she believed Omarosa to be:

“A delusional, D-list, pathetic woman.”

Now that’s a quote well and truly worthy of the giganto quote marks. Fancy a job at hecklerspray, Wendy?

Check it out for yourselves, folks:

Prophetic lyrics indeed, because that’s now what Gene Simmons has found himself doing. But before we tell you exactly what creatively suspect reality TV show Gene Simmons has agreed to judge, we should warn you that it absolutely isn’t a joke – this show really is going to exist quite soon.

OK. Ready? Jingles. Advertising jingles. Gene Simmons from Kiss is going to judge a reality TV show about advertising jingles, where contestants have to write advertising jingles for various products and Gene Simmons judges the jingles and someone wins some cash. The show’s called Jingles, by the way, as opposed to its working title of What’s That In The Toilet? Oh, It’s Gene Simmons’ Career.

As we all know, Gene Simmons is a business mastermind. He can slap the Kiss logo on anything he wants and he’ll make a buck out of it. He can spot world-changing music talents like Lil’ Chris a bloody mile off and he’s so sexy that women want to sleep with him even when he’s all gross and inert and on film and stuff.

And now that Kiss have properly broken up forever, Gene Simmons can go back to his first love – shamelessly narcissistic self-promotion. And what better way to do that than by judging a reality TV show based on the creative process of writing advertising jingles? Huh?

Oh wait. Every single way you could possibly ever think of in a million lifetimes is better than that. Never mind, Gene Simmons has already signed up for the bastard, so there’s not a lot he can do about it. Reuters reports:

CBS has tapped Simmons to judge the reality show “Jingles,” the latest TV series from Mark Burnett. The show, slated to premiere later this year, will feature contestants writing and performing jingles for a variety of subjects, ranging from food products to sports teams.

Read that again. Read it slowly. There’s going to be a reality TV show about jingle-writing, and Gene Simmons is going to judge it. A reality TV show about jingles. Gene Simmons. Jingles. Gene Simmons. Jingles. Gene. Jingles. Gene. Jingles. Genegles. We think we’ve just had a stroke.

We genuinely can’t imagine how terrible Jingles is going to be. There’ll be five minutes at the start where someone will say to the contestants “Write me a jingle about biscuits,” then 45 minutes of the contestants looking into the distance with a notepad on their knee, then five minutes of the contestants hitting the ‘Samba’ button on their Casio keyboard and singing “Biscuits biscuits yum yum yum/ I can stick them up my bum,” and another five minutes of Gene Simmons telling them it’s rubbish. End of show.

We’re starting to get the impression that Mark Burnett picks his reality TV show subjects by jabbing a pin into a copy of the Yellow Pages, you know. That theory will no doubt be proved next year when he premieres his new show about carpet and rug manufacturing. Judged by the bassist out of Def Leppard.

Denise Richards couldn’t be more unwelcome in her own home if she was living in a gated community stuffed full of Charlie Sheens. It’s all those reality TV people filming her all the time. There are literally thousands of them – and all willing to stand on the neighbour’s children if it means filming from a more aesthetic angle. This is particularly bad as reality TV crews are renowned for always wearing big, heavy boots.

To put it bluntly, an angry neighbor of Richards has recently said:

“This is a gated community, not a zoo.”

Not a zoo? Explain then why there are signs posted all over Richards’ yard warning not to feed her popcorn, cotton candy or chewing gum.

Sounds like a zoo to us.

Be warned though, neighbours – don’t confront this woman. If you do you’re likely to get physically hit with an entire computer while Pamela Anderson looks on, embroiled in a nasty, nasty child-filled divorce, and possibly get called a word that rhymes with chigger by an ex-husband even though you’re neither black nor participating in a Dave Chappelle comedy skit.

The neighbours are also apparently upset by the quantity of dogs Richards keeps on site. As Star puts it:

“The former Playmate has also run afoul of the L.A. County Department of Animal Care & Control after featuring her 14 dogs on It’s Complicated. Another insider says that she received a letter warning her that if she’s living with more than three dogs, she has to obtain a kennel license.”

Sounds like your neighbours don’t mind if you’re training for the iditarod, Richards, so long as you do so within the parameters of what the local code allows.

Let’s just keep that in mind.

No, now Ashley Dupré gets to be on TV because of it as well, the lucky cow. Although up until now she was most famous for being the high-end prostitute who had sex with New York Governor Eliot Spitzer until he had to resign because of it, Ashley Dupré is apparently in talks to star in her own reality TV show.

Honestly, she is. As yet nobody seems to know if Ashley Dupré will star in a Simple Life-style fly-on-the-wall reality TV show or a Tila Tequila-style dating show, but at the moment the latter seems to be out in front. Quite right too, because that’s the only way that they’ll ever get to use the title Ashley Dupré: Who Wants Me To Kiss Them With The Same Mouth I Recently Had Wrapped Around A Bald Old Man’s Penis For Cash?

Kids, if you’re reading this then there’s something you should know. You’ll never accomplish anything by working hard. Maybe you’ll wind up with an anonymous middle-management job in a generic strip-lit office, but you’ll never really accomplish anything. For that you’d probably be better off becoming a whore.

That’s what Ashley Dupré did, and things are working out just dandy for her. Because, thanks to her gainful employment spent charging thousands of dollars for a series of businesslike, slightly depressing bunk-ups, Ashley Dupré is a megastar.

After news of the Spitzer scandal broke and she was outed as a hooker, Ashley Dupré has been busy fending off professional advances from Donald Trump while trying to keep a video of her whapping out her underage boobies from being released. She’s not a whore, you know. OK, technically she is a whore, but… look… oh, we’ve lost our point. She’s a whore. We think that was it.

More than that, though, Ashley Dupré is a whore with a reality TV show in the pipeline. What a lucky whore. The New York Daily News reports:

Ashley Dupré, 23, has been negotiating with Los Angeles-based Handprint Entertainment on a reality show, possibly one focusing on her dating men for free, E! News Online reported. The program would require Dupré to move to the West Coast, E! News claimed. “They’re talking to MTV about Ashley being the next Tila Tequila,” a source told E!

We honestly hope this reality TV show thing pans out for Ashley Dupré, because it would make our day to see her in a dating show. Just think of the demographic it’d attract – the exact venn diagram overlap of grubby blokes who don’t mind going on TV to publicly compete for the affections of a woman who lets men dick her for money and grubby blokes who want to sleep with prostitutes but can’t afford to. Genius.

And if Ashley Dupré can salvage her reputation with a reality TV show, then maybe Eliot Spitzer can do the same. Best of all, he’d probably do it for scraps of food at the moment.

But sometimes it happens, and it sure is sweet when it does. For instance, now that his ex-wife Dina Lohan can be seen distastefully pimping out her 14-year-old daughter Ali for cash in the reality TV show Living Lohan every week, Michael has voiced his concerns about the exploitation and hypocrisy on show in a new blog specifically about Living Lohan on OK! magazine’s website.

Slagging off your ex-wife and teenage daughter in public for a fee? That certainly sounds like the moral high ground to us. Michael Lohan, you truly are an inspiration to us all.

Michael Lohan has always been there for his family. OK, not always – he wasn’t there for his family that time he went to prison for ages, or when Ali Lohan accused him of being an absentee father during the bulk of her upbringing, or whenever Lindsay Lohan decided to write a song about what a shit dad he was because he never loved her – but mostly. Or hardly. Hardly.

However, Michael Lohan found God in prison – apparently He was doing a 20-stretch for aggravated assault – and he’s since made it his duty to always do what’s best for his family. That means being the only man on the planet not to see what Lindsay Lohan looks like naked, being unafraid to tell the press about Lindsay’s alleged Oxycontin addiction and undoing several years of systematic parental neglect with a weekend in a wooden house.

So with this in mind, Michael Lohan can’t be expected to just sit idly by while his ex-wife Dina Lohan and daughter Ali Lohan whore themselves out in a grubby reality TV show that indirectly makes a mockery of them both. At least not when he’s being paid by a magazine to say how stupid they are.

That’s right – Michael Lohan has become the latest Lohan family member to try and cash in on his eldest daughter’s notoriety. Not by directly feeding off it like Dina and Ali Lohan, but by feeding off the TV show that Dina and Ali Lohan feed off Lindsay Lohan’s notoriety with. In short, Michael Lohan’s been employed by OK! magazine to keep a blog of what exactly he thinks about Living Lohan. MSNBC reports:

Regarding the premiere episode, titled “Mommy Will Fix It,” which aired on Memorial Day, Michael appears to take the high road and edit himself more than he has in the past. “If I were to look at things from a worldly perspective, I would probably have a lot to say about exploitation, hypocrisy and even deception,” he told the magazine. “I will say that some of the people Dina surrounds the kids with still concerns me again, I can address that when they appear on the show. I just hope Dina takes the high road like a Lohan would and rights these wrongs.”

Yes, Dina, you heard him. You need to take the high road like a Lohan would. Except not Lindsay Lohan, obviously, the recovering alcoholic who’s been in jail for driving repeatedly under the influence of drugs or alcohol. And not Michael Lohan, either, who’s also been to jail for crashing his car drunk amid a swirl of aggravated harassment, criminal contempt and attempted assault charges.

But one of the other Lohans. The unrelated Irish folk singer Sinead Lohan, maybe. Dina should totally take the high road like her.

But get this – now Charlie Sheen is saying that he’s right and Denise Richards is wrong! That’s crazy – it’s like everything we know is a lie! Or it’s like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of utter shitbaskets who can’t stop bickering in public even though it’ll obviously be detrimental to their childrens’ development.

Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn’t got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though – he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That’s if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn’t like to speculate.

A question – has this sudden flurry of televised mad-eyed bitterness from Denise Richards recently made you a) eager to watch her E! TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, b) eager to avoid her new E! TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated or c) eager to run over half your own head in a car and then stagger through a crowded area, all one-eyed and bloody with your half-head sloshing gore and membrane everywhere, pleading with screaming children to kill you because you’re in so much pain?

Funny, it was c) with us too. It’s always c). How strange.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter how you answered because Denise Richards has a reality show to promote, and if that means she has to crawl around as many TV shows as she can and pick away at the festering scab that is her divorce from Charlie Sheen in public with the least amount of dignity she can, then so be it.

So far Denise Richards has been on Larry King, the Today show and The View, and while Denise hasn’t quite managed to hit the heady heights of the time she strongly implied that Charlie Sheen was a prostitute-murdering borderline paedophile yet, she has often pointed out that the only reason she agreed to appear in her reality show was because she doesn’t have enough money to support her children.

That appears to have made Charlie Sheen angry. That’s not something you want to do, by the way, not unless you want to wind up getting called a “sad jobless pig” or a “fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and fucking nigger alright so fuck you.”

Anyway, this time Charlie Sheen has decided to give a more sober response to Denise’s claims, via the medium of mathematics. The New York Post reports:

“Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support,” a Sheen insider fumed. “Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can’t?” In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony – adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen’s hot sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” which “eventually will net her up to $25 million,” the source said.

Who to believe? Oh, it’s so difficult. On one hand, Charlie Sheen has got the backing of numbers and facts, but on the other hand Denise Richards looks like she hasn’t had a decent meal in years.

It’s a tricky one, that’s for certain.

Read more:

SHEEN CALLS RICHARDS UNREAL - NYP

It seems only yesterday you were hangin’ with Puff Daddy with your corn rows and white jeans while he didn’t shoot Tupac. Then came the Ben Affleck phase, which cursed us all with morphing celebrity couple names into one obnoxious word, but you moved on to get married to a gaunt lizard man like Marc Anthony and have babies like we always hoped you would.

Well, looks like there’s nothing left for you to do. What’s that, Jennifer Lopez? You’re making a reality show? No. Listen carefully – there’s nothing left for you to do.

Admit it. You know the words to at least one Jennifer Lopez song. It’s okay. It’s not your fault, because Jennifer Lopez has gotten her mitts into all genres of entertainment and money making. There’s no avoiding the infestation to some degree. Our society owes a great debt to Jennifer Lopez for so many things: combining celebrity couple names like Bennifer, butt appreciation, new heights of studio-altered music, and an array of simply horrible movies. She even has her own fragrance line and whatnot. The smell of lilies and Marc Anthony’s embalming fluid have never really appealed to us, but to each their own.

Anyway, Jennifer Lopez seemed to slip under the radar somewhat after she married Marc Anthony and his apparent tax problems. Pictures of her would regularly surface of when she’d dare to take a quick rest from sucking in her stomach and the media would declare her as impregnated. Yawn. Where’s the Jenny from the block? The Jenny with spunk that will gladly perform live with her husband, showcasing her abysmal ability to sing live and still step out in public? And most importantly, where’s the sellout Jenny?

Oh. She’s right here. TLC has announced that Jennifer Lopez will help produce, create, and star in what is being referred to as a ‘docu-series’ which will demonstrate Jennifer’s ability to balance work, babies, and constantly keeping her husband away from direct sunlight and cloves of garlic. She’s a busy gal. The series is already in production, but an air date has yet to be announced

We wish Jennifer Lopez and her family the best with this new endeavour. Everyone knows that the best thing for a celebrity’s personal life is a reality show. Just ask Nick Lachey and his wife Jessica Simpson, or Carmen Electra and her husband Dave Navarro, or the drummer from Blink 182 and his wife, or any of the well adjusted kids from Laguna Beach and The Hills. Exploitation onward!

Read more:

Jennifer Lopez: Reality TV Star! – People

Firstly, let's be clear – nobody told me that I was going going for a job on a reality TV show or that Peaches Geldof was going to be the editor. Both these factors would have put me off straight away.

So here is my story of how I almost worked with the stupidly-named celebrity wannabe Peaches Geldof.

After being rejected time and time again off various publications and other high profile media outlets, it was getting to be a bit of an annoyance. However, a very kind friend pointed me in the direction of an advert to write for a new magazine.

It would be aimed at youngsters aged between 18-24. Being a hip and young person, I thought I could do this perfectly well. After all, I fit in that age demographic and hecklerspray seems to have gotten on some radars. So I scribbled out the application form and answered some basic questions about myself and whatnot. Nothing too challenging.

After waiting a while, someone told me I ticked the right boxes and passed that stage of the 'application'. Another form was e-mailed over and I filled that in too. A few days later I was told I was to be summoned for an interview down in the big city.

As I got on the train down to London, something occurred to me. I was applying to be a writer for a magazine, but I didn't even know what I'd be writing for. For example, my knowledge of chemical engineering isn’t so hot, so I was hoping it wasn’t a magazine about that.

Another thing that bothered me was the fact I was told not to bring any examples of work down with me. Don’t get me wrong, this would probably take up a lot of time as everyone showed off their pieces, but the only thing that the publishers knew about me is that I can cleverly answer some questions on an application form. Still, I took down a couple of nicely printed-off hecklerspray articles and that magazine that painted me orange.

Finally it was time to go and face the strange interview process. Upon arrival, yet more forms were filled in and strange questions were asked. Worryingly, nothing to do with writing was asked. I kind of half-expected some vague question of whether I had any qualifications, who I currently writing for and what journalistic experience I’ve had. After all, this was going to be a 'proper' magazine wasn’t it? It just had MTV attached to it.  

Then the significance of MTV seemingly dawned on me. What kind of input would they have on this project? Would they literally film snapshots of it and broadcast one-minute updates during advert breaks during repeats of My Super Sweet 16? Or would they do something else?

One other gritty detail suddenly hit me whilst I waited for my interview. The whole process was to be filmed – the making of the magazine and the interview itself. This made me worry that MTV had intentions of getting a cheap show out of me potentially trying to cobble a few stories together. Now, I’ve had interviews for jobs before and they can be uncomfortable. But to be filmed as well, that’s just really annoying. 

As I waited for my turn, the room was full of other people waiting to be interviewed, or who had been interviewed. From small talk, it didn’t seem like it was a very formal affair. Somewhat of a relief, but still I wasn’t happy knowing that other people applying for the same job as me didn’t know anything about the style, tone or content of this magazine.

Eventually it was my turn and I walked the short distance for my interview. As I entered the battered-looking room, I was faced with two women, a bloke and a camera. I sat down, got told to adjust the mic and not to worry about being filmed. Of course, this made me worry more.  

So off we went, from the vague memories I have, I was never really asked much about why I wanted this job, what writing experience I had or what qualifications I’d gained. In a nutshell, the conversation ranged from how I’d cope with office gossip about myself to if I could handle criticism if my work was shit.

Then the conversation switched to something to do with professions. I said I respected doctors quite highly because they make a difference to people’s lives and that celebrities did bugger all, got more media attention then they deserve and get away with everything. Then this happened: 

Interviewer: "This magazine may have a celebrity editor. How would you cope with working with a celebrity?"

Me: "Umm.. I’d try my best to get on with then. After all, I’d be working with a team, so I wouldn’t want to cause a dodgy atmosphere and ruin the magazine's progress."

I don’t think my response worked. After all, Peaches Geldof was going to be editing the thing. Some have said that she's a celebrity. They're wrong, but they said it anyway.

After the solo failure that was my interview, I then had to do a group interview. How this would show me as a better person then anyone else, I don’t know. But after a quick sit-down, I was summoned back to the same room with two other people. Here we were given a scenario to act out. Each person had a number on their head, ranging from 1-10.

The higher then number, the bigger twat they are. You had to act out the situation whilst addressing the person according to whether they were God, or a pikey who wants to bum 20p of you. 

And that was it. That was my interview to work on a magazine project with MTV. As you can probably guess, I got a lovely rejection e-mail a few weeks later. Was I disappointed? A little bit, yes, but then it was a bit annoying too. Part of the blurb in the message was that I was not picked due to the high calibre of journalistic talent.

Hmm, not sure how they worked that out, since no-one was told to bring any of their work down with them.

However, what pissed me off the most was that I actually wasted money coming to London to apply for a job that was never fully explained to me. Not even what I was writing about or the fact it was going to be flogged as a TV show. If I had made it, I probably would have rejected the job opportunity once the details emerged. Especially thanks to Peaches Geldof’s involvement.

I’m not one to make a twat of myself on a tacky TV show. I’ll leave that to her. Though if I had been working with Peaches I would have been able to ask some questions directly to her, such as. “Why do you have such a stupid name?” “What do you actually do?”

I was told on the day of my interview that none of the filming of me would be aired. However, something tells me I’ll probably end up seeing myself broadcast to the world looking like a gimp. And this article doesn’t help me much ether.  

There we have it. A hecklerspray expose. I’m going back to make the tea.

Pamela Anderson's life is so crazy it should be a sitcom – a really quite poor sitcom about a woman with underdeveloped emotional maturity and quite a lot of hepatitis.

However, Pamela Anderson is too classy to turn her life into a sitcom. So that's why she's decided to turn it into a reality show for E! instead.

But don't expect Pamela to be a tawdry, tell-all delve into Pamela Anderson's personal life – it's apparently going to be a docu-style series that won't feature any of Pamela Anderson's children. It probably won't feature any of her love interests either, because the near-constant meet/marry/pregnancy scare/divorce cycle Pamela Anderson pounds through on an almost monthly basis will just leave viewers disorientated and confused.

Pamela Anderson's a brave woman to let reality TV cameras into her life. Not because her life is a horrible mess that will only invite viewers to pass negative judgement on her necessarily, but more because we were under the impression that every time she's filmed by a video camera she's overwhelmed by the urge to gobble cocks like some sort of disgusting penisy anteater.

But still, Pamela Anderson is going to have her own reality TV show just like Dina Lohan and her Blonde & Blonder co-star Denise Richards do. It's great – humanity is one step closer to securing documented footage of the day-to-day lives of just about every grinning, pointless, female North American celebrity without a proper job in the world. Our ancestors will surely thank us.

But unlike Denise Richard's reality show, Pamela Anderson's series Pamela won't so much focus on her labyrinthine personal life and will instead be about, um, all the other things she's famous for. Like, um, her tits and… no, that's just about it. Her tits. E! Online? Can you help us out?

"Pamela is set for a summer debut. Billed not as a reality series but as a 'docu-style series', the show is being produced by the makers of the acclaimed feature documentaries The Eyes of Tammy Faye and Inside Deep Throat. 'Pamela will be an artistically rich and visually stunning series,' executive producer Randy Barbato said in a statement. 'The series will offer an unprecedented look inside the life of one of today's most iconic superstars in the style of a uniquely shot documentary film.'

We'll take that as a no, then. So, in the absence of a proper description, we'd imagine that Pamela is going to be a stark visualisation of Pamela Anderson's well-kept blog. After all, the blog is how she's documented her life to her fans for a few years now, so it makes sense for the show to be a direct continuation of that. 

We certainly hope that it is, because we're desperate to see how the producers will be able to turn the entry "Come on OBAMA – turn it upside down!!! —I love you!" into a coherent half-hour of television.

Just kidding. In fact, we're sure that once she's on camera Pamela Anderson will be so luminous and charismatic that she'll provide the makers with hours and hours of wonderful footage. Which might just about run to 30 minutes once all the blowjobs have been edited out.

Read more:

Pamela Does E! - E! Online 

All reality show topics have been covered, asphyxiated, beaten to a bloody, lifeless pulp and thrown into the East River. Oh, wait. That’s just the blissful recurring dream we keep having. Yeah, no, the reality TV thing is pumping out more hopeless poppycock than ever. Today’s proof of that is the new reality series Nick Lachey has in the works for MTV. It’s pretty much High School Musical with artsy musical type kids spontaneously bursting into song and dance in real life.

So, yeah, essentially your worst nightmare comes roaring to life.

Nick Lachey? More like Nick Cliché! Haha… ha… ha. Ahem. But seriously folks, the man really seems to have burrowed nicely into the rotting abscess of the entertainment world that is reality television. And who can blame him, what with the happiness and success his first show with then-wife Jessica Simpson, Newlyweds, that chronicled their new marriage, and arguably the demise of their relationship. So, of course Nick wanted more of that good stuff. But where to go from there?

Well, we didn’t think it could be done, but Nick Lachey has come along to prove us wrong just like he always does when it comes to discovering new creative selling-out-edness (what? It’s a word). He's come up with a reality TV show that hasn't been done yet. And since there aren’t any original ideas for reality shows left, so people are combining different things to come up with new ones, like Are You Smarter than a Survivor Apprentice Dancing with Pussycat Idols on the Surreal Ice.

Thus, Nick Lachey's new show is a hybrid of High School Musical meets Laguna Beach, meets True Life. The show will follow students at Nick Lachey's former high school, The School for Creative and Performing Arts in Cincinnati. MTV executive VP of series development and programming, Tony DiSanto, made the following statement about the show. It's got us jazzed as heck, folks:

"The stories and relationships are all set to music that's organic in what's going on in the school and also performed by the kids… This is a genre-busting, creative experiment I'm really excited about."

So, expect lots of musical performances and impromptu dance-offs in the show. Throw in a little disco dance fighting and we might be persuaded to check it out. Or not. We firmly stand by our belief that reality shows should involve only vicious animal attacks, 1,000 lb people being lifted from houses by cranes, and anything hosted by that wacky Bob Saget. Those are the only real reality shows.

Holla with us, people.

Read more: 

Nick Lachey's High School Musical - E! Online

Because now Dina Lohan is a star in her own right. Not a film star or a music star like Lindsay Lohan is, though, it's even better than that – Dina Lohan is going to be become a reality TV star.

E! has finally announced the production of Dina Lohan reality TV show Living Lohan. It's a wake-up call for all parents really – if you constantly push your young children into a life of showbiz until they eventually crack and become drug-addled, rehab-addicted global jokes, then maybe you can be like Dina Lohan and get a shitty reality TV show that hardly anyone's going to watch anyway too. Live the dream, parents!

Although she's made it her business to dine on the flesh of Lindsay Lohan, Dina Lohan is a star in her own right. She just never had the breaks. That's why, almost from the second that she gave birth, Dina Lohan started training Lindsay Lohan to be the singer and actress superstar extraordinaire that she never was.

But now that Lindsay Lohan's career has hit the skids in a frenzy of arrests and stints in rehab and awful movie choices and desperate nudity, it's time for Dina Lohan to slam Plan B into action. That's right, Dina Lohan always knew that she'd eventually push Lindsay to the brink of self-destruction, so she gave birth to a back-up Lohan just in case.

And this Plan B back-up Lohan is going to form the basis of new E! reality show Living Lohan, which is going to be broadcast this summer. MSNBC reports:

The show, tentatively titled “Living Lohan,” will take viewers inside the Lohans’ Long Island home to follow Dina as she works double duty as mom and manager for Ali’s blossoming singing/acting career. “The Lohans are one of the most intriguing families in the entertainment industry today,” Lisa Berger of E! said. “This is a family that knows how to roll with the punches and come out on top. Dina is an incredibly hard-working, passionate mom that I think our viewers will find both relatable and highly entertaining.”

Finally! A show that will teach us how Dina Lohan managed to raise Lindsay to be such a well-rounded, normal, non-attention-seeking non-arsehole. And what's more, it looks like we'll get to see all of these spellbinding techniques repeated again on another one of Dina Lohan's young children. Maybe, if we're lucky, the Living Lohan cameras will be there when Ali Lohan's mind snaps under the pressure and she starts sleeping with strangers in an attempt to paper over the insecurities and low self-esteem issues that her pushy mother and successful sister have forced onto her. Here's hoping!

Don't start checking the TV listings for Living Lohan yet, though, because a) it's not on for a few months and b) it might not even be called Living Lohan when it's broadcast. The title might get changed to something a little more honest, like Watch This Show About The Pointless Old Lady For Long Enough And You Might See Lindsay Lohan Acting Weird For A Couple Of Seconds. Or something.

Read more:

Dina Lohan’s reality show to debut in summer – MSNBC