Generally speaking there are only a few places we really don’t want to ever see overweight people: Going anywhere we

Anywhere else, though, and we’ll take them. That’s because we love the heavy, and always want to know everything about them. For instance, do they fall in love? Probably not. But if they do we’ll all get to see on Fox’s new show – billed as The Bachelor for fat guys, which we actually find quite rude.

Do you think Elvis‘ full glory wasn’t realised until his sequins started popping off in concert like a heated bag of Orville Redenbacher? Do you think Biggest Loser would be a better show if only they’d ditch those stupid trainers? Would you like reality TV more if they didn’t make it so hard for immature middle-schoolers to hilariously draw clear comparisons between the contestants and marine mammalians?

If so, you may be callous, grating and all around unbearable company. But you’re also the Fox Network’s target audience, so cheer up, you. In order to properly fill your TV platter (no pun intended), they’ve just green-lit what may be the greatest show ever. For lovers of overweight romance. They’re calling it More to Love, and here’s the basic premise according to The Hollywood Reporter:

“The series, titled “More to Love,” is billed as the first “dating show for the rest of us,” throwing open its doors to overweight contestants. “For six years it’s been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that’s not what the dating world looks like,” Fox president of alternative Mike Darnell said. “Why don’t real women — the women who watch these shows, for the most part — have a chance to find love too?”"

It actually sounds like a descent show, and we, for one, shall tune in. So long as any hot-tub scenes have water clear up to the necks, because really, we’re ear guys anyway.

Really though, it’s sounds like blatant exploitation of people with eating disorders, and that infuriates us.

What’s that you say? It doesn’t sound that bad and you just don’t understand our anger? Well maybe that’s because we haven’t described the show to you in enough detail. The house the girls live in will be a gigantic kitchen, they’ll all be forced to sleep nights in horizontal open-faced refrigerators while dressed like squeeze bottles full of hot-dog condiments, and their show nicknames will will all be directly inspired by Hostess mascots.

Curse you Fox! If that’s true at all we’ll never forgive you!

Word is the Fatchelor really hits it off with Chocodile halfway through the pilot episode.

We’ve got a real feeling about those two.

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No, really, you shouldn’t mess with Sharon Osbourne. And you shouldn’t not mess with Sharon Osbourne, either. Because if you mess with Sharon Osbourne – or don’t mess with Sharon Osbourne – then you’ll end up getting attacked by her. Or not getting attacked by her.

Vague enough? Good. Because Sharon Osbourne is being investigated by police after allegedly attacking a reality TV show contestant who may or may not called Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. We hope that clears things up.

Here’s a weird thing – when Sharon Osbourne was a judge on X Factor, people loved her. They called her Mum Of The Year. They let her advertise Asda. They didn’t even mention her freakish haircut. Meanwhile, Cheryl Cole was getting arrested for beating up women.

But now Cheryl Cole is the judge on X Factor, and people love her. They want to be her best friend. They’d even buy her clothes given the chance. They don’t even mention her freakish haircut. And, meanwhile, Sharon Osbourne is being investigated for allegedly beating up a woman.

According to reports, Sharon Osbourne is in trouble with the law for getting into a scuffle with Megan Hauserman, a contestant on her reality TV show Rock Of Love: Charm School. And quite a nasty scuffle, too, if you believe what you read. The New York Daily News reports:

Hauserman, known on the show for her svelte figure and sharp tongue, alleges that Osbourne flipped out, running across the stage and attacking her. Osbourne, who hosts the VH1 etiquette competition, apparently yanked Hauserman’s hair and scratched at her until security separated them, TMZ.com reports. Hauserman went to the hospital, but so far no charges have been filed.

Apparently the fight started when Sharon Osbourne made a ’snide remark’ about Megan Hauserman, who retaliated by calling Sharon’s husband Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. Which is feasible but for a single fact; we’ve seen Megan Hauserman on a couple of reality TV shows, and there’s no way that her brain works fast enough for her to respond to anything – let alone a Sharon Osbourne insult – without spending 45 minutes gazing into space trying to process all the complex information first.

What happens now is in the hands of the police and, if the cameras were on at the time of the attack, VH1. It might even lead to Sharon Osbourne’s dismissal from Charm School if there’s an arrest, and that would be a terrible shame – surely getting Sharon Osbourne to present a show called Charm School involved employing a level of irony that can never be topped.

Well don’t speak too fast, sonny, because Sharon Osbourne is a fighter, and if ironically-named reality TV shows are what she wants to do, then we’re sure she’ll find a way to get one off the ground. And if she’s stuck, here are some titles to start her off:

Sharon Osbourne’s House Of Natural Ageing.

Sharon Osbourne’s Worthwhile Children.

Sharon Osbourne’s Shack Of Not Sounding Like A Wasp In An Echo Chamber When She’s Angry.

Sharon Osbourne’s Normal Haircut.

Sharon Osbourne’s Institute Of Not Going Violently Apeshit At A Bimbo (Allegedly).

You know where to send the cheque, Sharon.

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The very same days when it used to play the occasional music video as well. Times have now changed and seemingly anyone that’s been in the papers is getting their own show on the once-credible network.

In the past, viewers have had to endure washed up pop star Lisa Scott Lee and her crap attempt at trying to get a song into the charts. Even the human car crash that is Kerry Katona has given us a warts-and-all show, literally, to give an insight into the life of a fame-hungry, media-seeking bint, who also happens to be another failed musician. If you can call her that. And lest we forget Tila Tequila, social crusader.

He may not be a singer of any kind, but Calum Best has pointlessly been baptised into the celebrity world. His dad was a footballer, you know. And a chap with a passion for alcohol, so much so it broke his liver. So, simply because he came from Best Snr’s semen, young Calum automatically becomes famous… ?

Annoying for us, isn’t it, The scum of the world? We do our day-to-day jobs and we never get noticed for it, yet someone else gets a leg up on the fame ladder simply because Daddy kicked a ball about a bit. One rule for celebrities and another for us. Hecklerspray has tons of mates in other professions. Our mate Phil is a mechanic. Would you let us repair your vehicle because we know someone in that trade? Of course not.

After actually wondering what Calum Best has done to make the world a better place, we’ve failed to find anything. Has he inherited the fancy footwork of his late father?

At one point, he did try out for Man Utd, but gave it up to be a model. Not the best career move, it saw him relocate to badly-made reality shows like Love Island. He’s not a global activist either, campaigning to free the rare Glaktal Thai jellyfish that has a world population of 351, or whatever it is these people do.

He’s actually just a serial shagger.

Based on his proper laddish reputation, a monkey at MTV came up with a show to no doubt send teenage girls into fits of hysterical swooning. The press release really does say it all:

“Best’s challenge during the show will be to remain celibate for 50 days. The Celebrity Love Island star will tour the world attempting to ditch his lothario image.”

Why Calum Best? And who at MTV thinks we want to see someone not wank? He’s the least talented person in the world of already-talentless celebrities. An unskilled Polish bricklayer with no hands – or eyes – has more skills than him. If anything it’s something that would be more appropriate to God TV. Christians have to give something up for lent when Easter rolls around. So why not wait ’til next year to screen the show – we can wait – and make it a topical religious program?

If he can’t go without fondling himself for 50 days, then it leaves a problem for MTV. Whilst they may find themselves short on episodes, at least they can keep the footage of the dirty deed for resale. We’re sure there are people out there who are into that sort of thing. It may generate enough money for a cup of coffee at least.

Hmm, it leaves us with a dilemma too. For a potential 50 days we can’t call him a wanker. We’ll just have to resort to naming him a twat. Oh well.

This is no doubt something to do with hecklerspray’s article last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

“There were less than 40 people there.”

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazis were? They’ve certainly got more power.

Paris says she will “teach” the contestants who make it on the show how to be her BFF. It may be wise for them to also take lessons from Paris’ hitherto most loyal friend:

1) Be cute.

2) Be incapable of speaking sense.

3) Be small enough to fit in a handbag.

Get those three points covered, and you’ll definately avoid the weekly elimination. Paris has said:

“(I want someone I can) trust and not someone who’s going to stab me in the back – it’s happened a lot in this town. Just someone I can have fun with, someone who could be like my sister.”

Someone who could be like your sister, hmmm? Why not just dress up your drink-driving, cabbage-patch-kid-faced brother Baron in one of your wigs? That’s probably your best bet. You’d probably find you have a lot in common, like the shared experience of being the foremost example to the theory ‘all rich kids are worthless dicks’.

You could even have a child together. The nine months it will take you to create your son/daughter/nephew/niece will surely be less painful than the process of seeing this show through to its bitter end.

And if your body was to healthily reject the gene pool prematurely, all you’d have to do is tie a pretty pink bow around its neck, therefore helping it to pass the aforementioned three point plan, and you’d gain yourself another BFF, as well as a play mate for Tinkerbell!

It’s all so obvious when you think about it.

Read More – Paris Hilton Best Friend Show Short On Applicants – TWN