You may not be able to put a face to the name Ryan O’Neal without looking at his picture, right. However, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t read this article. That’s because O’Neal is a monumentally fucked-up man, and you love a bit of that, right? Scum.

See, Ryan was famously the partner of Farrah Fawcett… and well, he’s been addicted to meth and, according to his daughter, he keeps trying to have sex with his children.

That’s got your attention hasn’t it?

His daughter, Tatum has made various claims against her pa, saying in her autobiography, that Ryan abused her physically and emotionally as a kid – not surprising if he was strung out all the time. In Ryan O’Neal’s defence, he is on record as saying:

“It is a sad day when malicious lies are told in order to become a ‘best-seller’.”

One of the accusations is that Ryan took his daughter on holiday with her friend, Melanie Griffith. She caught him shagging her, which is nice. Still, that’s small-fry when you consider that he’s tried hitting on his own daughter too.

Ryan infamously tried to flirt with his Tatum O’Neal while at the funeral of his long-term partner Farrah Fawcett, which is in delightfully poor taste.

Tatum says:

“My father doesn’t really remember what I look like. He sees blond hair, a black dress, and to him, that’s just a chick. A girl. He didn’t know it was me, so he kind of swooped in, and I had to remind him he was 70, and I was his daughter. That’s the second time that’s happened to me with him, but you know, he lives in another world.”

Amazing.

Yet, despite all this, recovering smackhead Tatum (she doesn’t do things by half does she?) decided it might be a good idea to star in a reality show with her mental dad called ‘Ryan and Tatum: The O’Neals’.

“The term ‘reality show’ is really scary because there’s been some really bad programming. What we did was something very different. It’s deep. I sort of thought it would be fun to work with my dad again, in some weird way.

“He’s never yet said he’s the guy that I’ve portrayed him as in my book – first book or second book – so I thought perhaps he’d have that ‘aha moment’ and he’d be like, ‘You know what, I’m really sorry, Tatum. You didn’t have to have the life you had, and I’m here, and I take responsibility.’ That didn’t happen. But oh well. I think it’s interesting television.”

There’s going to be the world’s most awkward sex scene isn’t there? *pukes into hand*

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Michael McIntyre, a man that seemingly no stand-up comedian likes because he’s not edgy enough and became incredibly famous in a very short period of time, is clearly seeing off the competition before they get a foothold on the comedy ladder.

McIntyre, who is starring on the panel of judges on the new Britain’s Got Talent series, managed to make a nine-year-old boy cry all over his tiny face during auditions for the show.

And now, amusingly, McIntyre is hoping that the footage of him being needlessly nasty to a pre-pubescent child won’t be aired. Thankfully, we’re here to report on it and don’t worry – we’re storing this information to use against him repeatedly. He’s now Michael ‘The Big Dirty Child Botherer’ McIntyre in our heads.

So, what happened?

Well, tiny budding stand-up comic, David Knight, started crying at what was presumably his first heckle. He walked on-stage and in Birmingham and McIntyre – aka Captain Buzzkill – hit the ‘no, piss-off’ buzzer before the kid had even started his routine, after admitting his favourite comedian was Harry Hill.

Realising he looked like a massive dong, McIntyre quickly back-pedalled and apologised for ripping out a nine-year-old’s ambition and taking a massive shit on it, soon to be broadcast on national television.

He said:

“I’m sorry, it was a joke, not one of my best. You’re naturally funny – a star in the making.”

Hasselhoff, who has inexplicably been asked to star as a judge on the show, threw his tuppence into the fray, saying:

“You are not only the best nine-year-old comedian I have seen, you are the best comedian. You belong on that stage. I’ve never seen anyone intimidate Michael like that. I love you for it.”

God. Americans can be so achingly hokey can’t they? He’s only nine, but already, The Hoff considers him to be better than Richard Pryor, Bill Hicks and Billy Connolly. What a spectacular dimgit he is.

Anyway, after McIntyre had ravaged a young boy’s dreams, he realised that this might stick a boot in on his Nice Guy Of Comedy facade.

“He had bought a one way ticket to tears. I thought I was going to have to jump on the stage. The buzzer is so loud. I hope they edit that out. I don’t want to see him jumping out of his skin.”

That’s right. You’re doing this for him aren’t you? You keep telling yourself that while you do your best to find some eye-holes that look good on an adult face.

In fairness to McIntyre, he is saving some of his manufactured ire (apparently at the behest of ITV) for the adults as well. One chap called John Hampson walked on-stage painted gold and walked off the stage after McIntyre pressed the buzzer before he reached the chorus of Spandau Ballet’s ‘Gold’.

The comedian said:

“He’s not the father of the young comedian, is he? That family hates me. What is it with me today? I saw a man with a gold head, singing ‘Gold’ and I thought, ‘This is the moment I am paid to press my buzzer.’ Now he is sitting in a taxi, with his gold face.”

Imagine that. Having your hopes torn apart by Michael ‘Have You Ever Noticed This Mundane Thing We Do?’ McIntyre and then, having to sit in a taxi, painted gold while a taxi driver tries not to talk to you because he clearly thinks you’re mental.

Oh! What a circus!

Still, that all said and done, McIntyre is still a better person than most of you lot. At least he didn’t vote for Stavros Flatley. You idiotic roost of chicken-minded simpletons.

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Right, can we all just accept that Sarah Palin is probably going to be the next American president, please?

No, we don’t like it either. But let’s just brace ourselves for the worst, OK? That way, when Sarah Palin does become president it won’t be a shock, like dying of a heart attack; it’ll be something that we’ve all planned for, like dying of an inoperable brain tumour.

Why are we so sure that Sarah Palin is going to end up as president? Because it looks like she’s going to get a reality TV show made about her life, that’s why. And there’s no fighting back against marketing that powerful. Not unless Barack Obama strikes back fast with The Mr President Laffstravaganza Variety Hour. Which he should. Do what’s in your heart, Mr President.

Remember when the Palin family were fun? You know, when Bristol Palin was just a girl who couldn’t keep it in her pants and Sarah Palin was just a woman who would definitely never win any elections because she thought that Earth was created by a fairy six weeks ago and, rather than read any newspapers, she preferred to pay a circus clown and a pantomime horse to act out the day’s current events for her every morning. Good times, good times.

But times have changed. Somehow – and we’re really not sure how – the Palins have figured out how to use the media. Just last week we told you that Bristol Palin had snared a role in a TV show about pregnant teenagers, and now Sarah Palin has launched a media onslaught of her own.

Palin was one of the first guests on Jay Leno‘s depressingly reanimated Tonight Show, and she used the show as a platform for – and we promise we’re not make this up – her stand-up comedy skills. It basically meant that everyone had to sit through a few minutes of Sarah Palin lifelessly retelling jokes that other people had already told about her, but in a less funny way. Which was bad enough, but at least it was short. It’s not like she was trying to sell a Sarah Palin reality show at the same time, was it?

It was? Oh sweet baby Jesus, no. Reuters reports:

The former Alaska governor is teaming with uber-producer Mark Burnett to shop a reality series about her home state. Palin and Burnett made the rounds at least three of the major broadcasters (NBC, ABC and Fox) while in Los Angeles this week. Palin and her family would be on-camera in the show, which one executive described as “‘Planet Earth’ meets Alaska meets her family.”

Planet Earth? OK, we take it all back – that sounds awesome. But only if it’s the bit from Planet Earth where all the chimpanzees kill each other and then eat the babies. Otherwise we’re not interested.

Still, though, we have to credit Sarah Palin with the understanding that appearing on a reality show will give her enough exposure to get elected president in 2012. And so we’d like to wish her well, along with her prospective cabinet of Jessica Simpson, Hulk Hogan‘s wife, Heidi Montag and The Situation from Jersey Shore.

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Generally speaking there are only a few places we really don’t want to ever see overweight people: Going anywhere wearing our pants, suspended above us descending in a parachute, or full-frenzied inside a sneeze guard with their sneakered feet perched in the sliced tomatoes.

Anywhere else, though, and we’ll take them. That’s because we love the heavy, and always want to know everything about them. For instance, do they fall in love? Probably not. But if they do we’ll all get to see on Fox’s new show – billed as The Bachelor for fat guys, which we actually find quite rude.

Do you think Elvis‘ full glory wasn’t realised until his sequins started popping off in concert like a heated bag of Orville Redenbacher? Do you think Biggest Loser would be a better show if only they’d ditch those stupid trainers? Would you like reality TV more if they didn’t make it so hard for immature middle-schoolers to hilariously draw clear comparisons between the contestants and marine mammalians?

If so, you may be callous, grating and all around unbearable company. But you’re also the Fox Network’s target audience, so cheer up, you. In order to properly fill your TV platter (no pun intended), they’ve just green-lit what may be the greatest show ever. For lovers of overweight romance. They’re calling it More to Love, and here’s the basic premise according to The Hollywood Reporter:

“The series, titled “More to Love,” is billed as the first “dating show for the rest of us,” throwing open its doors to overweight contestants. “For six years it’s been skinny-minis and good-looking bachelors, and that’s not what the dating world looks like,” Fox president of alternative Mike Darnell said. “Why don’t real women — the women who watch these shows, for the most part — have a chance to find love too?”"

It actually sounds like a descent show, and we, for one, shall tune in. So long as any hot-tub scenes have water clear up to the necks, because really, we’re ear guys anyway.

Really though, it’s sounds like blatant exploitation of people with eating disorders, and that infuriates us.

What’s that you say? It doesn’t sound that bad and you just don’t understand our anger? Well maybe that’s because we haven’t described the show to you in enough detail. The house the girls live in will be a gigantic kitchen, they’ll all be forced to sleep nights in horizontal open-faced refrigerators while dressed like squeeze bottles full of hot-dog condiments, and their show nicknames will will all be directly inspired by Hostess mascots.

Curse you Fox! If that’s true at all we’ll never forgive you!

Word is the Fatchelor really hits it off with Chocodile halfway through the pilot episode.

We’ve got a real feeling about those two.

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Just because Sharon Osbourne’s face looks more and more like a novelty eraser shaped like a pineapple, you shouldn’t mess with her.

No, really, you shouldn’t mess with Sharon Osbourne. And you shouldn’t not mess with Sharon Osbourne, either. Because if you mess with Sharon Osbourne – or don’t mess with Sharon Osbourne – then you’ll end up getting attacked by her. Or not getting attacked by her.

Vague enough? Good. Because Sharon Osbourne is being investigated by police after allegedly attacking a reality TV show contestant who may or may not called Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. We hope that clears things up.

Here’s a weird thing – when Sharon Osbourne was a judge on X Factor, people loved her. They called her Mum Of The Year. They let her advertise Asda. They didn’t even mention her freakish haircut. Meanwhile, Cheryl Cole was getting arrested for beating up women.

But now Cheryl Cole is the judge on X Factor, and people love her. They want to be her best friend. They’d even buy her clothes given the chance. They don’t even mention her freakish haircut. And, meanwhile, Sharon Osbourne is being investigated for allegedly beating up a woman.

According to reports, Sharon Osbourne is in trouble with the law for getting into a scuffle with Megan Hauserman, a contestant on her reality TV show Rock Of Love: Charm School. And quite a nasty scuffle, too, if you believe what you read. The New York Daily News reports:

Hauserman, known on the show for her svelte figure and sharp tongue, alleges that Osbourne flipped out, running across the stage and attacking her. Osbourne, who hosts the VH1 etiquette competition, apparently yanked Hauserman’s hair and scratched at her until security separated them, TMZ.com reports. Hauserman went to the hospital, but so far no charges have been filed.

Apparently the fight started when Sharon Osbourne made a ‘snide remark’ about Megan Hauserman, who retaliated by calling Sharon’s husband Ozzy Osbourne ‘braindead’. Which is feasible but for a single fact; we’ve seen Megan Hauserman on a couple of reality TV shows, and there’s no way that her brain works fast enough for her to respond to anything – let alone a Sharon Osbourne insult – without spending 45 minutes gazing into space trying to process all the complex information first.

What happens now is in the hands of the police and, if the cameras were on at the time of the attack, VH1. It might even lead to Sharon Osbourne’s dismissal from Charm School if there’s an arrest, and that would be a terrible shame – surely getting Sharon Osbourne to present a show called Charm School involved employing a level of irony that can never be topped.

Well don’t speak too fast, sonny, because Sharon Osbourne is a fighter, and if ironically-named reality TV shows are what she wants to do, then we’re sure she’ll find a way to get one off the ground. And if she’s stuck, here are some titles to start her off:

Sharon Osbourne’s House Of Natural Ageing.

Sharon Osbourne’s Worthwhile Children.

Sharon Osbourne’s Shack Of Not Sounding Like A Wasp In An Echo Chamber When She’s Angry.

Sharon Osbourne’s Normal Haircut.

Sharon Osbourne’s Institute Of Not Going Violently Apeshit At A Bimbo (Allegedly).

You know where to send the cheque, Sharon.

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Remember when MTV used to be remotely hip, cutting edge and worth watching?

The very same days when it used to play the occasional music video as well. Times have now changed and seemingly anyone that’s been in the papers is getting their own show on the once-credible network.

In the past, viewers have had to endure washed up pop star Lisa Scott Lee and her crap attempt at trying to get a song into the charts. Even the human car crash that is Kerry Katona has given us a warts-and-all show, literally, to give an insight into the life of a fame-hungry, media-seeking bint, who also happens to be another failed musician. If you can call her that. And lest we forget Tila Tequila, social crusader.

He may not be a singer of any kind, but Calum Best has pointlessly been baptised into the celebrity world. His dad was a footballer, you know. And a chap with a passion for alcohol, so much so it broke his liver. So, simply because he came from Best Snr’s semen, young Calum automatically becomes famous… ?

Annoying for us, isn’t it, The scum of the world? We do our day-to-day jobs and we never get noticed for it, yet someone else gets a leg up on the fame ladder simply because Daddy kicked a ball about a bit. One rule for celebrities and another for us. Hecklerspray has tons of mates in other professions. Our mate Phil is a mechanic. Would you let us repair your vehicle because we know someone in that trade? Of course not.

After actually wondering what Calum Best has done to make the world a better place, we’ve failed to find anything. Has he inherited the fancy footwork of his late father?

At one point, he did try out for Man Utd, but gave it up to be a model. Not the best career move, it saw him relocate to badly-made reality shows like Love Island. He’s not a global activist either, campaigning to free the rare Glaktal Thai jellyfish that has a world population of 351, or whatever it is these people do.

He’s actually just a serial shagger.

Based on his proper laddish reputation, a monkey at MTV came up with a show to no doubt send teenage girls into fits of hysterical swooning. The press release really does say it all:

“Best’s challenge during the show will be to remain celibate for 50 days. The Celebrity Love Island star will tour the world attempting to ditch his lothario image.”

Why Calum Best? And who at MTV thinks we want to see someone not wank? He’s the least talented person in the world of already-talentless celebrities. An unskilled Polish bricklayer with no hands – or eyes – has more skills than him. If anything it’s something that would be more appropriate to God TV. Christians have to give something up for lent when Easter rolls around. So why not wait ’til next year to screen the show – we can wait – and make it a topical religious program?

If he can’t go without fondling himself for 50 days, then it leaves a problem for MTV. Whilst they may find themselves short on episodes, at least they can keep the footage of the dirty deed for resale. We’re sure there are people out there who are into that sort of thing. It may generate enough money for a cup of coffee at least.

Hmm, it leaves us with a dilemma too. For a potential 50 days we can’t call him a wanker. We’ll just have to resort to naming him a twat. Oh well.

Paris Hilton’s new MTV reality show ‘Paris Hilton’s My New BFF‘ (best friend forever) is in danger of being axed as casting directors are becoming aware that nobody really gives a shit.

This is no doubt something to do with hecklerspray’s article last week, which confirmed to the masses that anyone who wants to compete to become Paris Hilton’s new BFF is a gargantuan retard.

According to Trans World News, an insider said:

“There were less than 40 people there.”

This isn’t much, but is still enough to fill a modest size room and create a scene not too dissimilar from the one’s found in videos of Hitler’s inbreeding experiments, which – it should be remembered – also failed spectacularly. But who knows, maybe MTV is better organized these days than the Nazis were? They’ve certainly got more power.

Paris says she will “teach” the contestants who make it on the show how to be her BFF. It may be wise for them to also take lessons from Paris’ hitherto most loyal friend:

1) Be cute.

2) Be incapable of speaking sense.

3) Be small enough to fit in a handbag.

Get those three points covered, and you’ll definately avoid the weekly elimination. Paris has said:

“(I want someone I can) trust and not someone who’s going to stab me in the back – it’s happened a lot in this town. Just someone I can have fun with, someone who could be like my sister.”

Someone who could be like your sister, hmmm? Why not just dress up your drink-driving, cabbage-patch-kid-faced brother Baron in one of your wigs? That’s probably your best bet. You’d probably find you have a lot in common, like the shared experience of being the foremost example to the theory ‘all rich kids are worthless dicks’.

You could even have a child together. The nine months it will take you to create your son/daughter/nephew/niece will surely be less painful than the process of seeing this show through to its bitter end.

And if your body was to healthily reject the gene pool prematurely, all you’d have to do is tie a pretty pink bow around its neck, therefore helping it to pass the aforementioned three point plan, and you’d gain yourself another BFF, as well as a play mate for Tinkerbell!

It’s all so obvious when you think about it.

Read More – Paris Hilton Best Friend Show Short On Applicants – TWN