Reality - HecklerSpray

Dancing on Ice Review: Too Many Andys

August 5th, 2012 By Jacki Evans

Dancing on Ice. It's always been the runty sibling of the celeb reality shows, hasn't it? Relegated to Sunday nights in January when anyone with any sense is in the pub breaking every single resolution all at once. They may be missing a show that clearly has the best premise of any show ever broadcast ever, but they don’t care. The fools.

The magic of DOI is that its full celebrities so desperate for attention that they're willing to brain themselves on some frozen water in the vain hope that they might get a feature in Closer magazine about their incredible new figure.

They?re putting themselves in actual, mortal danger. Because they want to be back on TV. Does anything ever get better than that?

It’s The Desperate Slags On Ice Lineup Everybody! Is Your Favourite Sugababe In Here?!

January 4th, 2012 By Robin Darke

Still reeling from the Christmas carbohydrate intake and eventually calming down from the unfortunate and thinly veiled insults from your elderly, racist grandmother? Well don't get too comfortable because your rage-meter is set to reach all new, Jeremy Clarkson-esque highs with the unveiling of the Desperate Slags on Ice lineup.

Dancing On Ice always been a one-stop WTF shop, comprised of people you'd generally forgotten had even existed, only to turn up, get their face smashed off ice and then slink off into The Bill or Holby City, or if they're lucky, series 300 of My Family.

It's the final stop on the bus ride to celebrity oblivion before Celebrity Big Brother with Michael Barrymore and whatever natural body parts of Pete Burns are left.

Cee Lo Green Isn’t A Homophobe- Except When He’s Being Homophobic

June 20th, 2011 By Michael Park

Here at hecklerspray, we know a good pie when we see one and our love of their consumption is legendary the world over. However, our combined level of the consumption of the humble steak and kidney can be rapidly outstripped by human food vacuum?Cee Lo Green.

You might remember Cee Lo from that piss awful ‘Forget You’ number that was redone from being ‘F**k You’ in order to get more radio play and completely destroying what little artistic credibility he had based on his time as part of Gnarls Barkley. More recently, you might have heard that he’s not a big fan of the gays.

The famed cake enthusiast has explained his?recent comments to music critic Andrea Swensson that were perceived as being homophobic.?The rotund Elton John tribute act sent a Twitter message to Swensson on Friday, in response to a negative review of his recent Minneapolis performance, questioning whether she had been offended by his masculinity due to her sexuality. She’s a lesbian you see which means that she’s bound to be terrified of things with penises.

Tyra Banks Is Having Condomless Sex So Start Being Thrilled Or Else

April 11th, 2011 By Mof Gimmers

Queen Bee of the America’s Next Top Model Bitches, Tyra Banks, can smile with her eyeballs. Now, she’s winking with her pelvic floor muscles as she begins a period in her life which is completely condomless. What? She’s trying to catch a sexually transmitted disease?!

Don’t be silly. Obviously, she’s trying to get pregnant because she’s reached that stage of her life when she feels like she’s got absolutely nothing to offer the world other than identical pictures of a baby coughing up mashed-up swede through it’s crusty little nose holes.

Imagine Tyra’s mothering skills! *shudder*

World Tilts On Axis As Khloe Kardashian?s Twitter Account Is Hacked

April 4th, 2011 By Paul Pencott

The globe was sent into utter turmoil on Friday as Khloe Kardashian ? any sane man?s ?third choice? when it comes to the Kardasain sisters ? began firing some perplexing tweets at an apathetic internet audience.

Initially puzzled as to why anyone in their right mind would care one jot about the opinions of any of the three over-priviliged no-marks, the universe pretended to express deep concern when the one you ?definitely wouldn't? started creating a bit of a stir with tweets that seemed out of character.

Yeah, we presume she has some kind of character or something.

Another US Singing Show With Some Bloke Called Blake And Ugly Contestants

March 8th, 2011 By Joanna Bolouri

Americans seem to love those cowboy?country?men. You know the ones?who politely love the ladies, fondle tractors?and sometimes kiss each other while pretending to look after cattle up a mountain, almost as much as they love their slightly mental divas who can run up and down a scale at precisely the same speed as Justin Bieber’s first attempt at intercourse with another person.

So it made TOTAL sense when they?decided to get some bloke hecklerspray hasn’t made fun of until now – Blake Shelton and the ever expanding Christina ‘make mine a double please’ Aguilera together in the same room to become part of the coaching panel on a new reality singing show called ‘ The Voice’.

We can hardly wait.

Khloe Kardashian Compares Airport Security To Rape. Out Loud. On Television.

December 8th, 2010 By Paul Pencott

We've never really ?got? the Kardashian sisters. They?re kind of a ?Lidl? Paris Hilton, despite the fact that there are three of them. Which sort of makes them three times more despicable.

But at least Paris Hilton has never been stupid enough to say that basic security checks are like being RAPED.

The thing with the Kardashians is – at least two of them are smashable. Which ‘sort of’ forgives their lack of intellect, personality and talent. Or the massive resentment caused by their ridiculous unearned wealth. Or the fact that they are in the public eye for no reason other than being really rich and stupid enough to let people point cameras at them. Whilst either having sex or appearing on a horrendous ?reality? show.

Apprentice Week 9: Spunking Cash Up The Wall

August 5th, 2012 By Kris Silver

If there's one thing this nation needs more of, its smug gits in business attire spunking away money that isn't theirs whilst being rewarded with lavish amounts of champagne and opportunities to stab those who have irked them squarely between the shoulders.

Yes, that's right, it's week 9 of The Apprentice!

This week everyone's favourite job applicants have the task of buying 10 rare items with a budget of ?1500. Whoever spent the least won the task. Simples. There were obviously fines for failing to procure all the items or for not turning up to the boardroom on time, just in case anyone fancied playing fast and loose with the rules.

Nigel Havers Quits I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! Like A Massive Wimp

November 22nd, 2010 By Mof Gimmers

I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here! is the most honest ‘reality’ show on the box. Basically, it makes no bones about the fact that the whole point of the programme is to give us plebs the chance to make famous people suffer.

We make them eat stinking genitals and grubs that pop in your mouth like marshmallow filled cherry tomatoes and, in the case of Gillian McKeith, put her in so many jungle trials that she may actually die.

TV Review: America’s Next Top Model

August 5th, 2012 By Limara Salt

Does anybody still watch America’s Next Top Model? No? Fine, whatevs. Unbelievably there was a time when watching 12 underweight, malnourished and grossly over-confident girls harp on about who “wants it” more was compulsive viewing.

Well, compulsive viewing for people with too much time on their hands that is. Normal people would find it more entertaining and fulfilling to throw some tramps under Waterloo bridge a few crusts of bread and watch them wrestle for it.

Alas, ANTM is just as embarrassingly addictive and chock full’o pricks as X-Factor and The Apprentice but if you thought Simon Cowell and Lord Suralan were obsessed with making their respective shows all about them, you’ve clearly never encountered the narcissistic world of Tyra “MEMEMEMEMEMEME” Banks.