JLS fans haven’t been very kind to us of late. Apparently they don’t like the fact that we inferred that their favourite band mimed some bad words and threw one of those showbiz hissy fit things at T4 On The Beach, which they TOTALLY did.

Naturally being the reasonable and thoughtful people we are, we thought we’d take another shot at them.

This time over the fact they’ve admitted they can’t sing.

According to the boys, they’re part of a ‘new school generation’ of pop musicians and that:

“stuff like music effects, auto tune and sampling is part of that.”

Which is a fancy way of saying that they can’t carry much of a tune so need some geek sitting behind a mixing desk to make their special brand of new school, soulless, corporate RnB even vaguely tolerable.

This revelation will come as a surprise to the legions of JLS fans out there. But it’s not their fault, after all, they were most likely conceived to the sounds of Milli Vanilli, that sort of upbringing has to bring with it a genetic predisposition to fabricated, radio friendly tunes.

Naturally we here at the hecklerspray bedsit imagine that this means that we shall be receiving our well-deserved apologies from each and every JLS fan who took the time to call us shits or, even worse, journalists in both the comments section of our T4 on the Beach article or on Twitter.

Don’t worry kids, one day you’ll discover a band that like you for you. We know the thought of Aston, Marvin, Simon and Theodore pulling the wool over your eyes in such a horrific way will probably scar you for life. But, to be honest, you deserve it.

Now grow up, stop crying and start listening to some real music.

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Is everyone in Dallas a massive racist? They like the confederate flag over there, so they must be! Did they have lynchings as well? We’ve no idea. We don’t really like America. It’s a silly country with large portions and impossible dental work.

We’re talking about the foibles of Dallas because we’re trying to work out why Rihanna would want to kill everyone there.

See, while she was playing a show in Texas, she set the stage on fire, leaving stupid hacks to ponder if Rihanna’s appearance and performance was so ‘hot’, that it actually combusted. However, it is clear that this was attempted mass-murder and it is only a matter of time before America’s famous police force, with their non-bias toward any race, get involved.

Apparently, during the show, sparks sizzled and flew while the crammed-in audience at the delightfully named American Airlines Center, were nearly set ablaze while Rihanna sneaked out of the stage door, laughing to herself.

However, RiRi’s dastardly plan was foiled as no injuries were reported.

Unhappy with the singer’s contempt for her own audience, Rihanna’s crew quickly put the potentially lethal inferno out, holding down the flames ’til Dallas firefighters arrived to do a proper job of it.

This attempted killing spree, possibly influenced by her ‘Man Down’ video where she guns a rapist down, was the climax of a particularly bad night for all concerned as the Rude Boy singer was an hour late to kick off her show. It seems she wanted to get them angry before roasting them all like battery hens.

Of course, as roast chicken is so delicious and Americans are so famously greedy, it could have been the first instance in history where toasted corpses were actually picking at their own cadavers and serving limbs up to each other with gravy.

Rihanna passed the whole thing off on twitter, saying:

“DALLAS!!! We set the stage on FYAH tonight!!! LITERALLY!!! I’m so pissed, I was having so much fun wit yall too!!! I gotta come back man!!”

She gotta go back? To finish her dreadful, blood-hungry deed no doubt. Texans – you’ve been warned.

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It’s been a weekend full of festivals with nearly every performer you can think of out to plug any old tat they’ve got coming out soon. Up in Scotland, a mix of indie, rock and electronica could be found, although annoyances like Bruno Mars still managed to evade security and get on stage at T in the Park, while at Sonisphere, they had angry music fans happy with bands that haven’t progressed from early eighties hair metal.

But the pick of the bunch was down at the sick seagull of Britain – Weston-super-Mare – where the family friendly festival T4 On The Beach was happening! While it was broadcast on Channel 4 and hosted by a gang of hipsters who all deserve to be shot, it was the sort of day where parents of small children could drop them off, safe in the knowledge they wouldn’t be snorting lines of speed. Last year, one of music’s answers to satire, Jedward, broke an ankle.

This year, JLS threw a slight hissy fit and pulled out of the event. It’s almost like the end of the world has just happened. So what pissed off JLS then?

Usually when we hear of bands sticking their fingers up at festival promoters, somebody’s ego has gotten in the way. In the past we’ve seen stupid tour riders that range from entire rooms being decked out in specific colour schemes to certain food stuffs being shipped in from around the world just to praise some maniacal dweeb.

After losing X-Factor, JLS have remarkably made a career out of singing and haven’t gone down the road of so many contestants to go work in a grotty fried chicken shop. So what went wrong at T4 On The Beach? Surely all they need to do is go on stage, lie to the crowd by telling them that they are the best audience in the world and sing, sing, SING!

For once in our meaningless lives, we MIGHT, have to side with JLS. They tweeted the following message:

“its true we ain’t on 2day, UNO we r a live singin act so them not giving us a soundcheck and able to prepare means we can’t go on for this. ‘it’s something that was beyond our control. As a 4 piece live singing band there is no way we can do such a huge show without a soundcheck or camera rehearsal..we are extremely disappointed to let you all down.”

From their dreadful grasp of the English language, we think that they weren’t given enough preparation time for a soundcheck and subsequently refused to put on a rubbish performance. Even though we’re uber cool here at hecklerspray and listen to music that you won’t appreciate until it’s used in a milk advert, even we applaud an act that’ll refuse to take to the stage unless some sort of practice has been had. However, we can still call them vain and up their own rumps for not having time to practice for the camera. JLS tweeted further:

‘All of our fans know us and know that when we perform we go 100% and are 100% happy that we can give you the best, there’s no way that we would have done this today.”

We’ll let you work out that last tweet.

But while the tears of many young fans could create a mini tidal-wave over the loss of JLS at the festival, they didn’t have to worry. They had other ace acts on hand such as Cher Lloyd, N-Dubz and Scouting For Girls.

Oh.

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JLS have shown that you don’t have to be winners in order to achieve your dream of singing second rate R&B songs whilst posing with overpriced cars and women who are out of their league.

JLS are, in fairness to them, weirdly popular despite having one of the worst band names in history – they would have been more credible to us if they were called something like London Ghetto Bad Boyz. Bands that don’t use proper words are usually rubbish, just look at U2.

Hailing from the world of X-Factor, JLS have an easy market to manipulate when it comes to releasing merchandise. They release more than just music with all sorts of tat having their name attached to it. From bear traps to lunchboxes, it’ll be somewhere on the internet to buy. Hot on the heels of midget singer Justin Bieber, the JLS boys are set to bring out their own film which is set to feature run of the mill boring material that wouldn’t offend the most PC of people.

As we’ve already mentioned, JLS have the market covered when it comes to stuff that poor parents have the misfortune of having to buy for bratty children. One of the stranger items that fans could buy is range of condoms, with each member’s creepy face embossed on. EMBOSSED ON THE TIP SO ASHTON CAN STARE UP WHICHEVER ORIFICE HE’S ENTERING LIKE A CREEPY THIRD EYE.

*ahem*

Despite the core fanbase being aged around ten and not hitting puberty, it’s great to see a product promoted to them that in theory isn’t needed until hormones kick in.

So why not incorporate the JLS condoms with the JLS 3D film? Instead of being a happy clappy cinema experience where we laugh at members of the group squirting chilli sauce in each other’s eyes, wouldn’t it more amusing if someone took a depraved groupie backstage and did the dirty with them? Brandishing a packet of own brand JLS condoms, it’s the perfect way to promote safe sex, all whilst wearing your own personal brand of smooth fitting JLS rubber. Will we get that sort of material? Chances are slim it seems, as someone called Marvin said:

“We want our fans to see another side to us, a more intimate side, proper fly-on-the-wall camera stuff, such as us in the dressing-room before the shows, what we get up to when we’re on the road, partying with our dancers and crew, and ending up in random locations around the country!”

By partying, we assume this will involve the consumption of fizzy pop and staying up past 10pm. So what’s the name of this 3D extravaganza? Based on their recent single ‘Eyes Wide Shut’, they’ve gone for the stupid ‘Eyes Wide Open.’ We can only assume that this decision was made so they can rehash old songs and not bother with recording fresh tracks. Saying that, we don’t imagine the average JLS fan to be that intelligent, so they’ll watch it the first time with their eyes shut, realise they missed out and then pay for a second showing. Genius.

The movie isn’t out till June 3rd, giving us plenty of time to pick pennies up off the streets in order to save for it. But act quick, the film is available for one day only, which definitely doesn’t mean that the people behind the film are worried about it flopping and want to squeeze maximum revenue out of it. But for those who missed out, we’re sure it’ll be out on DVD with special limited covers for the inexpensive sum of £19.99 + P&P.

Tickets go on sale from April 1st, that isn’t a joke. Honest, they really do need two months to flog tickets.

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Here at hecklerspray, nothing makes us happier than when celebs go fucking mental on Twitter. Yes, whether they’re assassinating each other using 140 character covered light-sabers, verbally battering mere mortals or just secretly swapping ‘cock shots’ with embarrassingly unattractive, money hungry strangers, we love nothing more than some good old unabashed Twitter beefing.

Recently masturbaters favourite Rihanna and slightly less bouncy but you probably still would, R&B singer Ciara, got involved in a some Twitter rage over Ri Ri’s brutal disrespecting of Ciara at some awards show party.

And you thought this Libyan revolt was important news?

Ciara wept:

“I ran into her recently at a party and she wasn’t the nicest, and it’s crazy because I’ve always respected what she’s done with fashion and I’ve ran into her before, but this time it wasn’t the most pleasant run-in, so…”

Obviously desperate to show her remorse for being an arse to Ciara and assure the public that she IS a nice person who would never stoop so low as to engage in a cat-fight, Rihanna responded with:

“My bad ci, did I 4get to tip you?” #howrudeofme

Well maybe not but we quite liked that reply anyway. Ciara responded with this hashtag free, slightly threatening response to being mistaken for the hired help:

“Trust me Rihanna. You don’t want to see me on or off the stage”

Of course she doesn’t.  She hates you.

To which Ri Ri made fun of her silly ‘gangsta’ ways, implied that Ci would have trouble actually booking the aforementioned stage and then probably went off into the night, sniffing the air for sex smells.

Disappointingly the pair made up shortly afterwards in a completely nauseating display of  ‘I love you, NO I love YOU more’,  leaving us feeling robbed and annoyed that we’d probably never get to see them angrily mud wrestle anywhere else except our own minds.

#Pussies

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Rihanna, quite possibly, is the world’s coolest pop-star. She’s made a whole bunch of great pop records and, more importantly, been involved in a scandal that saw Hecklerspray writers given the chance to stare at her naked parts.

Over the years, Rihanna has gone from reasonably boring R&B thingy, to the crooner of slick electropop, to the champion of weird ballads and along the way, extolled the virtues of owning an umbrella-ella-ella-ay-ay-ay.

So what is she up to next? Well, we’re all about to find out with her new album, which Rihanna has told us will be called ‘Loud’ and will be released in November.

Like all musical projects, there will be a single leading the charge.

The first single from the new album is called ‘Only Girl (In the World)’ and we’ll all get to hear it at the same time as it is set to premiere online tomorrow (September 8th).

During a webchat on her official site, Rihannanow.com, the singer said of the album:

“I didn’t want to go backward and remake ‘Good Girl Gone Bad’. I wanted the next step in the evolution of Rihanna.”

She then added:

“I’m gonna miss the ‘Rated R’ era too, but NOTHING compares to the album I just made.”

To be perfectly honest, if there’s anything as good as ‘Rude Boy’ on it, the Earth’s ears will be just fine. Unless, of course, you’re one of those people who doesn’t like Rihanna because you prefer other music or, indeed, you’re one of those miserable chumps who objects to her music on principle because it’s popular.

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Usher really must have thought he had it all going for him.

He had a multi multi multi million selling album, a wife (eventually, a few times), a child with his name and some hats. Things were looking rosy for the dancing pop prat.

Then he brought out a new album, ‘Here I Stand’, and – compared to his last one, ‘Confessions’, at least – it flopped something rotten. While still selling just under a million copies to date, this is considered a failure by both Usher and, more likely, his record label.

So what’s the solution when you’re known around the world, popular, good looking and – apparently – talented?

Why – sack your management and go running to your mum. Obviously. Which is exactly what Raymond has gone and done, re-employing the mother he sacked just over a year ago as a part of his throwing his toys out of the pram reaction to not selling enough records.

Aww, bless him.

Instead of doing what any self-respecting person would do on realising a failure – acknowledge it, shoulder the blame and move on having learned something – it would seem that Usher believes he couldn’t possibly be at fault for his record not selling too well. Not that we’d sniff at 1,000,000 sales for hecklerspray: The Record, it’s just it seems that that many copies doesn’t count as ‘too well’.

Regardless, instead of realising that maybe he was just something of a R&B flash in the pan – a nobody in a sea full of nobodies – some pretty big changes have been made.

Splitting from his management arrangement with Benny Medina, manager of such incredible acts as Mariah Carey and cancelling his arrangement with W&W Public Relations, Usher has gone full circle back to his dear old mama, Jonetta Patton. As the statement from his LaFace/Zomba label… stated:

“[Usher] has dissolved his management arrangement with Benny Medina and has re-engaged (his mother) Jonnetta Patton as his manager.”

Well at least it makes sense – who can talk up a person better than your own mother? And who’s better at arranging to do things for you than your own mother? Plus he’s sure to always look good on public appearances, and she’ll hopefully make sure that he doesn’t forget where he is again, thus making him look like less of a complete dick.

She’s also sure to keep him on the straight and narrow, avoiding the temptation wherever his dancing penis may take him. Though as a result of this, he may inadvertently create more lesbians – lord knows Usher is knowledgeable on their kind.

What we really hope will come from all this though is the overwhelming realisation that’s sure to hit Usher right in his big smug face. When he sees that re-hiring his mother has no effect on his floundering sales and he thinks, just for a second, that maybe he isn’t all that good. He sees for the first time in his life that people were only ever slightly entertained by him because he could dance like a twit while going “YEAH!” every second or so of a song.

But he’s sure to find comfort in his collection of hats. As long as he doesn’t go driving in them.