And here we are again. You all look so incredibly tired.
So before we begin, let’s really think to ourselves – what do we really WANT from episode 2 of The X Factor 2011? Because so far, nobody has really got what they want, have they? Nobody really voluntarily asks for Kelly Rowland, for example. Nobody really wants Gary Barlow to be angry to them before 9pm.
Hopefully this week, things will change for the better. We would like to see integrity. We would like to see a jazz singer sing an ironic version of She Wolf. We would like to see at least three testicles. But most importantly, we would like X Factor to bring us a window of entertainment that preceeds an ENTIRE EVENING with Will Young, preferably singing low-key versions of his amazing selection of pop hits, preferably in a tuxedo. Hey. What can we say? We dare to dream.
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So this is it, our last Dancing On Ice dispatch of the year. We won’t pretend that it’s been fun. Or good. Or worthwhile.
But over the months we’ve seen all kinds of Dancing On Ice-related excitement take place. Todd Carty almost falling over, um… no, actually Todd Carty was the only piece of Dancing On Ice-related excitement to happen this year. But who’ll win? That’s down to you. Well, not you. The people who vote on shows like Dancing On Ice. You know, the illiterates.
Anyway, here’s our final look at the inevitable Dancing On Ice winner, Ray Quinn…
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Once again, we come to the end of another week of Dancing On Ice rundowns – and something’s just hit us.
Famously Dancing On Ice has the stupidest viewers on TV – as evidenced by the way it keeps voting off the good skaters – and that’s given us a terrifying thought: is Coleen Nolan going to win Dancing On Ice? She hasn’t been in a skate-off yet, so the viewers obviously love her. She might win. That’s a chilling proposition. Someone hold us.
Anyway, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Ray Quinn…
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We recently had something of an epiphany about Dancing On Ice - without question, it has the stupidest viewers on TV.
It must have – just look at how the skate-offs are turning out. For two weeks in a row now, the Dancing On Ice viewers have tried to vote off the second-best skater. This is clearly wrong – any fool knows that the viewers should be voting off the least-talented performers. Or Ray Quinn. We wouldn’t mind if they voted off Ray Quinn.
Speaking of the devil, here’s Ray Quinn’s Dancing On Ice rundown…
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This is our last Dancing On Ice post of the week, so enjoy it. There won’t be any more until, oh God, Monday.
So what can we look forward to on Sunday’s show? Well, as we’re constantly being told, the bar keeps raising week after week. That means that the remaining Dancing On Ice contestants are going to have to toil like never before if they want to achieve the ultimate accomplishment of coming second to Ray Quinn.
Speaking of which, here’s our Dancing On Ice rundown of Ray Quinn…
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Look, we’ve been doing our best to ignore this, but it has become completely unavoidable, so here goes.
The point of these Dancing On Ice rundowns is to profile each contestant throughout the week. All of them. Even the ones we don’t like. Even the ones who look like berserk Chucky dolls on the rampage after a bizarre Pinocchio experiment turned them into real boys.
So, we’re sad to say, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Ray Quinn…
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Here it is again, the fourth and final installment of this week’s Dancing On Ice contestant rundowns.
But before we get into any of that, did you know that both Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby are now on Twitter? It’s true, and it’s fuelled our desire to see Dancing On Ice completely Twitterfied by the end of the series. There’s still a long way to go, though. Twitter.com/baldyskeletorjudge doesn’t even exist yet. For shame.
Anyway, here’s the Dancing On Ice rundown for Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn…
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If it’s Thursday, it means it’s our last Dancing On Ice rundown of the week. And we’ve saved the best for last.
By ‘best’ we obviously mean ‘most likely to win’. Because, let’s be fair, they’re hardly the best examples of people, are they? A woodstained monosyllabic northerner and a boy that looks like a character from a wartime propaganda cartoon? Oh, do come on.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Ladies and gentlemen, the Dancing On Ice rundown for Jessica Taylor and Ray Quinn…
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