You. You’re a massive wimp. Why? Because we’re all wimps when compared to the most immense man the world has ever seen! We are, of course, talking about walking deity, Vladimir Putin!
There’s nothing that ol’ Pute can’t do. Seriously. If there was a sex-tape leaked starring him, it would be so impressive that our collective genitals would crawl up into our bodies in shame.
This week, Rad Vlad decided to go diving. Pretty simple in terms of pleasures, right? However, this is Super Putin! On his first go, he just so happens to come back with some ancient treasures, just like that! Should we be surprised? Like hell. We’ve got loads of videos to show that he’s the greatest human who ever walked this disgrace of a planet.
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What does Snoop Dogg like? He likes weed. He likes expensive brandy. He likes his bitches in bikinis gyrating sexlessly by the pool. He likes all three at once while smirking at his cross-country runner torso and making up his own language… y’know, the same way lonely children do?
And with the rapper’s 40th birthday due (Yeah! 40! He seems much, much older doesn’t he?) imminent, we can all assume that he wants to combine his love of endo, hos and whatnot for the party to end all parties, right?
WRONG! MASSIVELY WRONG! HOW STUPID YOU ARE!
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There are loads of differences between Snoop Dogg and hecklerspray. The most obvious is the jet set lifestyle, stupidly sized mansion and the ability to string words together to form coherent sentences.
The only thing we’ve achieved to date has been conquering our local takeaway’s challenge, “the kebab of doom” which is a meal comprised of the mangled carcasses of multiple animals, piled 5ft high in a pitta, with a secret Creme Egg centre. Finish it and you get a free can of pop.
We always thought that our food feat gave us one-over on Snoop Dogg, but not content with speaking like a child who has their own comedy language, the rapper has decided to venture in to the world of snacks, taking away our only glory. Given some of the lyrical content that Snoop raps about, tucking in to something tasty would probably be quite refreshing given the after effects of certain types of cigarettes.
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Bob Dylan is 70 years old today. That’s quite impressive for a man who has sounded, and looked 70 years old since 1962. Really. He owns a voice that sounds older than coal. He’ll be having his little birthday party today, with his little party hat on and cake shaped like a racing car, surrounded by whooping chums while he sits glumly in the middle of it all.
We wouldn’t want him to enjoy himself too much now, would we?
Of course, Grumpy Bob is just one of the many characters he’s made for himself over the years. He’s been Electric Bob, Folkie Bob, Born Again Christian Bob, Gypsy Bob and, unbelievably, for a brief moment, Rapper Bob. So who is he these days?
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Oooh. Joaquin Phoenix went mental didn’t he? He went from being a Stars In Their Eyes Johnny Cash to rambling bum almost overnight. Except, of course, that it was clearly a big con. It was all some Andy Kaufman style performance that waded straight into the theatre of squirmitude.
Naturally, all that surrounded the actor muttered about how this was all very real and that he really was being seriously with his terrible rapping and generally falling off stages.
And now, to put us all out of our misery, Casey Affleck has finally admitted in an interview with the New York Times that,. I’m Still Here is a mockumentary of Joaquin Phoenix’s descent from famed to mumbling tit. In short, they’ve been having some of you on. Read More >>>
Remember Joaquin Phoenix? He’s the man you’d willingly kiss on the funny lip after he did his good impression of Johnny Cash! He’s the man that was a really good actor before he decided to become a rubbish rapper and bumbling mess on Letterman!
Yep, Phoenix announced in 2008 that he would be retiring from Hollywood to focus on his music career, but now, surprise-surprise, Mr Phoenix could be about to return to acting after presumably remembering what it was that paid his bills all those years.
But what is he going to star in? It isn’t as simple as that. Read More >>>
Joaquin Phoenix, we knew you wouldn’t let us down. Some may have dismissed your new rap career as a joke, but not us.
We know exactly what you’re capable of, and your debut show on Friday night in Las Vegas did us proud. But then again, Joaquin Phoenix rapping onstage after a career tutorial by Diddy couldn’t really be anything other than spectacular.
And the result – a bearded man shouting incomprehensible rubbish like a homeless tramp screaming at his own reflection and then falling off the stage – was the dictionary definition of spectacular. Joaquin Phoenix, you’re our hero. Video? Yes, there’s video.
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No matter how bad things get, you can always make them better with a song – unless you’re on trial in court, because that would just be stupid.
Try telling that to DMX, though. He’s currently up to his eyeballs in trouble – for just about every illegal activity that a human being is capable of committing – but he still had time to lighten the mood outside court yesterday with an inspirational freestyle that we think was possibly about being a good person.
True, bellowing “stand for something or fall for everything!” at some bewildered reporters to the rhythm of some sort of weird internal metronome might not seem like the best way for DMX to solve his problems, but at least it’s a step up from his usual rapping style, which tends to involve screaming “I smell pussy!” at the top of his voice and then barking like a dog for an hour.
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