When 50 Cent released an album called ‘Get Rich Or Die Tryin”, no-one really suspected that what he actually meant was, at some point, he’d get so bored of being a rapper that he’d just give up living.

We’re not talking about suicide here, rather, just the complete lack of will to stay alive. He’s got rich, now he’s not bothered about breathing anymore.

And 2012 has seen Fiddy talking about just that. He just wants to stop everything. He’s had enough.

In a series of tweets, Pifty Cent (the world’s first and foremost deaf rapper) has expressed his disappointment with the world of music and has vowed to cease any self-promotion for new music releases.

“I have lost all the faith in the team I’m on. I having nothing left to say I will not be promoting my music.”

He will still release his fifth album with Interscope, but he really couldn’t care less about it.

“I’m going to deliver this album. Then I have a film I wrote to focus on. I’m not upset, I’m just convinced this is not how I want to remembered”

Remembered? Why, is he going to be dead soon? Seems so:

“I’ll be honest I don’t think I’m gonna live much longer. That’s why I started my street king movement. I want to mean more in other people”s lives.”

Just stop rapping for a start. Seriously. It sounds like you have a penis in your mouth all the time. He doesn’t does he?

In the UK, the only real battle we have is between “Team Peter” and “Team Katie.” Whilst they’re both like persistant scabs who scar the celebrity landscape, people are genuinely torn between who they prefer. Do you go for the ex-tit model or a bloke who is so fame hungry, that he went back into the “I’m A Celebrity” Jungle of Obscurity?

Over in America, there are loads of couples who frequently split up once they’ve bagged the cash for the wedding tie-in photos or TV special. Ain’t that right Kim Kardashian? Occasionally though, a celeb breakup can be real and quite literally messy as Rihanna found out when human Muppet impersonator Chris Brown splattered her pretty face across the inside of his car with his fists.

Only idiotic “Team Breezy” fans are willing to ignore his bout of domestic violence and his further dickish acts of aggressive behaviour, instead claiming that the Crown Prince of Second Chances deserved a 312th chance. Restraining orders and court visits have passed and lifetime damage has have been done. We’re sure Rihanna will be thrilled to know that Chris Brown will be moving in down the street.

As we know all too well, Chris Brown is one of those rapper types. You know the sort, they parade around wearing clothes that are five sizes too big for them, parade around in music videos with their “bitches”, “hoes” and other gardening equipment all whilse wearing an assortment of bling that looks like tin foil concealing delicious chocolate underneath.

Essentially, rappers like everything on a grand scale. The house he bought would turn Grand Designs presenter Kevin McCloud giddy. We’re informed that:

“Brown purchased the glass-walled, three-bedroom, three-bathroom house for $1,550,000, getting a deal on the home that had been listed at $2,669,000 in 2009. The bachelor pad, designed by Jay Vanos, makes use of chrome and natural light and has an elevator from the garage to the main house.”

It’s the new neighbours of Chris Brown’s that we feel sorry for. Imagine living next door to someone who has a bedroom with a glass wall. The singer isn’t shy on getting his shrivelled up Frankfurter of a penis out, as photos on the internet disturbingly prove. But why is he moving in the first place? Is it out of spite to get back at Rihanna? No, it seems that buck tooth Brown has a problem with the disabled where he currently resides:

“Brown is selling his current West Hollywood home due to parking issues, as all the spots near his home were allocated as handicapped spots and the singer accrued thousands of dollars in parking tickets during his time living in the home.”

God damn those pesky disabled types who won’t let Chris Brown shave thirty seconds off his journey home. We’re just happy that he hasn’t started punching any of his handicapped neighbours to see if they’re telling the truth, or if they’re just benefit cheats. But for those out there who may be worried about poor Rihanna having to live close to her abuser, fear not, it probably won’t be for long. A letting agent blabbed to someone

“Rihanna has already put her Beverly Crest property on the market for a cool $4.5 million.”

Rihanna better move quick mind, with Chris Brown arriving, prices in the neighbourhood will quickly plummet.

Hey gays! How are you? Sat their being all gay, poking at stuff with your gay hands? Good. Don’t think that we’re using your gaydom as some kind of comedic device. We’re not. We’re just saying you’re gay. Okay?

We write that disclaimer because some people can be a little jumpy when they’re mentioned. It might be through a comment on your sexuality or your chosen job. Whatever, it might make your eyes widen and spine stiffen.

So what do you make of T.I. saying that some homosexuals aren’t proper Americans? Does it get your dander up?

If you’re already bristling about T.I. – he’s a rapper if you’re wondering – he’s said that some gay people need to get over themselves.

That’s awful isn’t it? How can he say such a thing? Why is he singling out the gays?

Okay. He’s pointing at the gay people who, in his view, try and censor people from telling harmless jokes. See, he was discussing gay rights with Vibe and he says he wholeheartedly supports the gay community.

He then mentioned something Tracy Morgan said earlier this year:

“Man, I will say this, the funniest joke I ever heard Tracy say during a stand-up was, ‘C’mon man, I think gay people are too sensitive. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke.’ [Cracks up laughing.] That shit was funny to me. And it’s kind of true.”

Okay? Are we all up to speed?

T.I. went on to say that he thinks there’s oversensitivity in the gay community. In his eyes, that betrays the First Amendment which guarantees freedom of speech in America.

“They’re like,‘If you have an opinion against us, we’re gonna shut you down.’ … That’s not American. If you’re gay you should have the right to be gay in peace, and if you’re against it you should have the right to be against it in peace.”

This takes us, once again, toward the debate about The Right To Be Offended which we cursorily looked at last week.

What do you think?

Big tough guy 50 Cent quit alcohol for life after becoming ‘paranoid’ during one bad experience, or so he says. We think that’s what he said. Have you heard him talk? He sounds like a deaf tractor engine when he raps.

Of course, Fiddy spent years as a drug dealer before finding fame and fortune as a rapper, but alas, he admits that he’s never been one to indulge in drugs or drink.

Because he’s a soft-git and had a bad experience. And we know exactly what happened.

One particular incident prompted him to stop drinking forever.

FOREVER.

Talking to Piers Morgan, who still looks like unbaked pastry stuffed into a condom, he said:

“I got a chance to watch a lot of my mother’s sisters and brothers at different periods experiment with the use of drugs or alcohol and I see them respond so differently that I stay away…

“I’ve had an experience (with alcohol) that made me paranoid because of it and I stayed away from it following that.”

He pissed the bed didn’t he?

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group if anyone is still daft enough to use it

50 Cent is an astonishing man. He’s the one who opened the door for ‘deaf rap’. No, not ‘def’. We mean ‘hard of hearing’ because, if you listen to his style, he sounds like he’s got a sock for a tongue. This paved the way for many, many tone deaf rappers.

If your skills and flow are severely limited, then the best thing to do is to court controversy.

And that is exactly what 50 Cent is doing as he’s saying he won’t release another album on Interscope and also threatening to leak Dr. Dre’s new single ‘Psycho’. And grow a proper tongue.

50 explained his plans for his Black Magic album, which he actually recorded but scrapped because he’s more interested in his new untitled cut…

“No, it has a whole new title. It’s a whole different energy. The Black Magic music, I have it, and I’ll probably use it in, maybe, a film project.”

That all sounds very professional and PR, but on twitter, he was running his mouth off.

“Man I’m not releasing a album. I can’t believe Interscope is this fucked up right now. I apologize to my fans”

“I will work with other artists on their projects but I will not put out another album. They dropped the ball with me one time too many.”

He then threatened that he would be “putting out” Dr. Dre’s next Detox single on Wednesday in retaliation against Interscope.

“You’re gonna love it, it’s a big song. I just don’t think it deserves a great setup since they can’t seem to get it right when it comes to me”

Meanwhile, the rest of the world awakes from its slumber wondering what in fuck’s name all the fuss is about while simultaneously completely ignoring new 50 track called ‘I’m On It’ which appeared online this week.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

Former G-Unit rapper Young Buck (pictured right) has pleaded not guilty on counts of gun possession in a Tennessee court. Unfortunately, 50 “Fifty” Cent’s former protegé was left standing outside the court house for a full five hours as no-one in the court had any idea who he was.

You might be sitting there saying “well, I believe him”. Perhaps you’re a Justin Bieber fan and are sitting saying “I belieb him”.

At the risk of being in contempt of court in another country, the $300,000 in unpaid taxes that Young Buck is apparently too idiotic to skip the country for, should suggest that he might be just too stupid or too callous to think that having an illegal, unregistered pistol in his house might be frowned upon by the law.

Unfortunately, the judges, lawyers and jury were far too tired of waiting for someone who they were assured was a rapper to turn up in court that they had all decided to ignore pretty much anything he said. It was a real pity as his constant cries of “Don’t you know who I am?!” fell on nothing more than deaf ears, stifled yawns and irritated groans.

Using our inside track to the stars, we gave Half Dollar a ring to see if he could shed any light on the identity of Young Buck and his nefarious, gun-toting, tax-avoiding antics.

Unfortunately, due to an ongoing ‘beef’ with our editor Mof Gimmers, he refused to answer any questions and instead threatened to indict us for breaking the restraining order.

Young Buck has released a press statement which was picked up by… well… no-one which said something about being cheated out of money by suits. Perhaps he used the word ‘Jew’, perhaps he didn’t. Let’s face it- the guy’s so patently irrelevant (even in a world full of irrelevant celebrities) that neither you nor us actually care if he’s anti-Semitic or not.

What have we learned then?

Basically, we’ve learned that none of us know who Young Buck is and unless he’s actually shot someone through the face with a .40 calibre bullet and then stuffed the hole full of the notes that he stole from the government, you don’t care who he is. He’s probably been on Cribs. The prick.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group or BUY ONE OF OUR STUPID T-SHIRTS!

News likely to shock anyone with eyes, a brain, at least an ear and possibly a face just in! Love child scandal! Fiasco! Controversy! Other shocking words to grab attention!

For it seems that those who are fit to make claims – i.e. the British tabloids – are doing just that, in claiming that Michael Jackson has an illicit love-baby who is now a full-man.

Yes, a full-man named Omer Bhatti, who also happens to be a Norwegian rapper.

Well that’s it settled then – if he’s a Norwegian rapper he has to be Michael Jackson‘s illegitimate, product-of-a-one-night-stand son.

But wait – there’s science involved too! For the non-believers out there, who do not believe this potential child of Jacko could believably be his loveproduct, incontrovertible fact has been thrown the way of the world. For you see, Omer looks a bit like everybody’s favourite terrified-looking child, Blanket.

Scientific fact in your face, right there. Say what you like about waiting for actual proof, there’s still something special about the old-fashioned “possibly looking a bit alike, maybe” approach.

According to the best newspaper in the world, The Daily Mail:

The Thriller singer reportedly told close friends several years ago that he fathered Omer after a one night stand with a Norwegian fan in 1984.

The second best newspaper in the world, The Sun, quoted Omer’s father as using these words in a few sentences:

“Yeah, yeah, I know because I was watching. I told my wife, ‘Just wait until the press see this. It’s not a small thing’… Make what you like. I don’t want to discuss anything.”

What is really shocking isn’t the fact that Michael Jackson possibly has an illicit love-child. What is shocking is the fact that Michael Jackson allegedly had full-on, proper grown-up sex with a lady, in which he probably saw her completely bare.

Wasn’t he the type to normally have his spawn created from vats of primordial goo? Adult sex seems a bit out of character for Jacko, is all.

Regardless, if Omer Bhatti is Michael Jackson‘s son (who he got through proper sexing) then at least the little tyke is following in potential daddy’s footsteps in becoming the Greatest Entertainer In The World (who we haven’t heard of until today). Though we have to say it’s a bit strange he chose now to appear to the world, what with the will popping up and all…

We don’t want to say it – we have to.

Bhatti is reportedly seeking a DNA test as we speak, so this should be over sooner rather than later.

Warning – there’s a strong likelihood that this story will send you into a dizzying seizure that you’ll never recover from.

Ready? OK – Joaquin Phoenix is going to become a rapper. Wait, because it gets worse. Joaquin Phoenix is going to become a rapper and Casey Affleck is making a documentary about it. Wait, though, because it gets worse.

The reason why Casey Affleck is directing a documentary about Joaquin Phoenix becoming a rapper is because Diddy has decided to teach him how to rap. We dare you to think of a worse idea than that. You’ve got all day.

It would be wrong of us to admit to a small amount of grudging respect for Joaquin Phoenix. That’s because you can’t define our feelings for Joaquin Phoenix with a paltry word like ‘respect’. It’s more like the kind of gaping, slack-jawed fascination that you’d usually reserve for a fire-eater or a dog on a trampoline.

The man’s a genius. Joaquin Phoenix is a genius. He’s obviously sat down at some point and “OK, how can I top interrupting an interview to sincerely ask if I’ve got frogs in my hair?” before deciding “I know, I’ll retire from acting forever even though it’s probably the only thing I’m any good at.”

But then Joaquin Phoenix decided that even that didn’t reach the amazing heights he’d set for himself, so he set aside time for an angry, incoherent, prematurely-axed interview to announce his retirement. And yet, despite that video being the greatest thing we’ve ever watched, Joaquin Phoenix still thought he could do better.

So he has. It’s been announced that Casey Affleck is making a documentary following Joaquin Phoenix’s transition from acting to music. To rap music. To rap music under the tutelage of arch bellend Diddy. Unless someone is playing a very cruel prank on us, this is all true. IGN reports:

Phoenix famously announced his intention to trade acting for music last spring, and while many thought it was a joke, it now appears he was deadly serious, with Phoenix working on an album under the guidance of rap legend Sean ‘Puffy’ Combs. Long-time friend Casey Affleck will make a documentary about his efforts. and according to The Hollywood Reporter, principal photography will commence… tonight.

It’s not just us, is it? None of this makes any sense to you either, right? Joaquin Phoenix is becoming a rapper, Diddy’s helping him and Ben Affleck‘s little brother is making a film about it because it’s so important. We think we need to lie down.

We’ve thought long and hard about this – perhaps longer and harder than anyone healthy person probably should – and there’s only one conclusion we can reach.

Still stung by not winning an Oscar for Walk The Line, Joaquin Phoenix has watched how readily Mickey Rourke has been welcomed back by Hollywood after spending years pursuing a cack-headed career as a professional boxer, and so he’s decided to follow suit. Only Joaquin’s not much of a fighter and the only thing as ridiculous as boxing is becoming a professional rapper.

That has to be it, doesn’t it? It has to be.

Still, what with Russell Crowe‘s continued ill-advised foray into music and now Joaquin Phoenix’s hip-hop career getting off the ground, it’s becoming clear that the movie Gladiator was the place to be to see a number of woeful Hollywood vanity projects take shape. With this in mind, we eagerly await Sir Derek Jacobi‘s debut single – rumoured to be a cover of Murder Ya Bloodclart by Vital Elements.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

If you want to play a game of basketball without worrying that a tattoo-faced rapper will threaten to kill you with a gun, now's the time to do it.

Because The Game, hip-hop's leading proponent of punching men to the ground during friendly basketball matches and then threatening to kill them with a gun, has started his 60-day jail sentence in LA.

However, it looks like The Game will get an easier ride than most other prisoners, because his jail sentence will be marked by the cushy segregation that all other celebrity inmates receive. Which is ironic, because we wouldn't be able to recognise The Game if he held a gun to our head.

OK, maybe if he held an actual gun to our head…

The Game isn't just a rapper, he's a role-model. Admittedly he'd be a bigger role-model if people had actually listened to any of his music in the last two years, but The Game should still think carefully about how his actions influence the young. Otherwise next thing you know there'll be gangs of kids all wearing masks in shopping malls and hurting policemen's feelings willy-nilly. And that way chaos lies.

But, worse, kids could copy The Game and start threatening their peers with guns during innocent sporting events. Imagine if little Timmy from across the street was arrested for pulling a glock on a six-year-old girl during the climax of a tense school sports day egg and spoon race. Because when that inevitably happens, it'll all be The Game's fault.

Substitute 'egg and spoon race' for 'basketball match' and 'six-year-old girl' for 'some bloke' and you're pretty close to imagining what The Game did last year. By getting arrested for punching a competitor in the face, running to fetch a gun from his car and then threatening to kill him, The Game got himself in more trouble than he could have ever wished for.

Last month The Game was sentenced to 60 days in jail for the incident and, on Sunday, he showed up to start his sentence, as E! Online reports:

The "How We Do" hip-hopster reported to Los Angeles' Twin Towers Correctional Facility Sunday night to begin serving a 60-day sentence after pleading no contest last month to whipping out a gun during a schoolyard pickup basketball game last February. According to TMZ, The Game will do his time in the joint in an isolated cell segregated from the general prison population.

However, as everybody knows, when a celebrity gets sent to jail in Los Angeles they never fully serve out their time. It's expected that The Game will only serve half of his sentence and will be released 30 days into his term. Sounds cushy, we know, but how would you like spending Easter, St Patrick's Day and International Women's Day locked in a cell? The Game will experience a hitherto unknown emotional challenge trying to get through that without weeping like a baby.  

But listen, now that The Game is in jail and Foxy Brown is in jail, literally the only rappers not in jail at the moment are two of the Fat Boys and MC Miker G. Literally.

Read more:

The Game Goes to Jail - E! Online 

As the most hopelessly generic rapper in the entire blinking world, Lil Wayne has a number of responsibilities to uphold.

And, to be fair, Lil Wayne is doing a noble job at sticking to them – like the one about all his songs being exactly identical, the one about giving said songs unpleasant names like Prostitute Flange and the one about constantly getting arrested.

Especially that last one, because Lil Wayne has just been arrested for riding around in a tour bus so stuffed with drugs that he had to poke his head out of the sunroof to breathe. Or something.

Now that Busta Rhymes has accepted a plea deal to keep him out of jail like a woman or infant would, hip-hop needs a new hero – a hero who isn't afraid to break the law again and again like a dough-brained spazwit. And, ladies and gentlemen, that man is Lil Wayne.

Oh you know who Lil Wayne is. He had that song about prostitutes' flanges. And he got arrested for smoking drugs in a car that had a gun in it. And he was an actual fugitive for a while. No? It's primarily the prostitute flange aspect of Lil Wayne's life that you chose to remember? Well suit yourselves.

Anyway, the big news is that Lil Wayne's been arrested for having a tour bus jammed to the gills with drugs. OK, maybe not the big news. But it's still news. Probably. Reuters has written about it so it must be news:

Rapper Lil Wayne was arrested for felony drug possession early on Wednesday when his charter bus was stopped at a California-Arizona border checkpoint, authorities said. Lil Wayne, whose real name is Dwayne Michael Carter Jr., was arrested in southwestern Arizona on suspicion of possessing cocaine and ecstasy, as well as drug paraphernalia, authorities said. He was being held in Yuma County Jail on a $10,185 bond.

All in all, after a sniffer dog signalled that Lil Wayne's bus may have contained drugs, police recovered 105 grams of marijuana, 29 grams of cocaine, 41 grams of ecstasy, more than $22,000 and a gun. It sounds like a lot when it's listed one after the other like that, but it's not really – mix it all up in a bucket and Amy Winehouse would probably plough through it in about three or four seconds or so.

But anyway, the important thing is that Lil Wayne has been arrested for it. And while there's a chance that the ensuing punishment might hurt him personally, it's obvious that Lil Wayne's gangsta credentials are going to go through the bloody roof. After all, this arrest means that Lil Wayne is now as furiously street as Willie Nelson. Willie effing Nelson! 

Read more:

Rapper Lil Wayne arrested for drug possession – Reuters