There’s always been something incredibly sinister about Justin Bieber. Anyone who is paraded around like a prepubescent monkey eunuch should fill any right-minded person with the dread of a thousand bailiffs.

The very fact no-one seems to mind a performing menstrual period is of great concern, especially given that Bieber is clearly using his power for unspeakable evil.

Like what? Well, at the wave of his nailless foetal hand, it appears that the world’s young are donating their organs. Oooh, the horror!

Bieber is getting credit for a recent spike in organ donor registrations. Some dweebs called The Trillium Gift of Life Network have noted that, since JB answered a plea made by Helene Campbell, who’s awaiting for a lung transplant, more than 1,200 people have registered online for donation.

Bieber’s Twitter exchange with Campbell (username @alungstory) started off with the usual annoying charitable plea from a pleb to a sleb, before Justin took the sob story on and shared it with his trillion followers.

He then started tweeting about how people really should donate their organs.

However, no-one is that altruistic and we suspect that Bieber is using the organs for himself, after his young fans presumably donated them while they were still alive, cutting out their kidneys and such with Hello Kitty safety scissors and plopping them through his letter box.

And if our thoughts that Bieber is actually an illuminati goon are true, then we can only assume that he’s using the organs for nefarious purposes.

If indeed, Bieber is an illuminati lookalike, then there’s a chance that the singer is actually in his 40s and is gorging on tween organs in a bid to stay youthful. We have all noticed that he’s looking older than he used to and this fiendish scheme is clearly not working.

Spread the word. There’s a new devil among us.

It looks like Justin Bieber won’t have a little friend to play with in his sandbox after Mariah Yeater dropped her lawsuit which alleged that the infant singer fathered her four-month old son with his hairless willy.

The depressing thing about that is, in particular, that he almost certainly didn’t tell a young fan that he wanted to ‘eff her brains out‘. We liked the idea of that sentiment making a comeback.

Either way, this lawsuit has shown a more snidey, snarky side of Bieber which has been slowly revealing itself over the last year, giving credence to the idea that JB has actually been replaced with a lookalike by the Illuminati.

Yeater had said that she became pregnant with the ‘Baby’ singer’s child following a… get this… 30-second romp (each your heart out Boris Becker!) backstage after one of his concerts in Los Angeles in October 2010. No. ‘Backstage’ is not a euphemism for which direction Bieber could’ve entered Yeater’s gluff.

Of course, Justin has continually and vehemently denied the claims, but just to look more innocent, he absolutely agreed to a paternity test.

The suit was quietly withdrawn last week.

Mariah’s lawyers – Lance Rogers and Matt Pare – have also slowly backed away from the claim and stopped representing Mariah after JB’s attorney Howard Weitzman warned Yeater they were planning to sue her and her legal representatives for making false claims.

And like a cyclist tackling a double decker bus, there’s only ever going to be one winner, and that’s the bigger, rougher boys with the money.

Justin insisted he would not “waste” his time meeting his accuser face-to-face because her claims were so vindictive, noting that:

“All this stuff is dealt with by my legal team. But if they want me to (take a paternity test) then I will.”

When asked what he would say to Mariah if he could meet her, he said:

“Nothing, I wouldn’t waste my time. I guess (she’s done this) for attention, but it’s not something I am interested in. These people are not worth my thought or time.”

Remember when Bieber was all forgiving, kindly and Christian? Look at him now! Scorning people and saying they’re a waste of his precious time!

Ladies and gentlemen, the rot has set in! Justin Bieber (or his replacement) is on the cusp of becoming dead-eyed, hollowed out and cynically nasty.

BRILLIANT.

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This week’s Badvertising proves that the really piss-poor elements of advertising live longer in the memory than the really good ones. What do you remember most? Those Nescafé ads where Anthony Head gets his end away or that insurance advert where Michael Winner tells people to calm down before disemboweling them with a rusty fork? We can’t even remember which one’s meant to be the bad one in that comparison.

What we’re trying to say is, this isn’t a new advert that we’re picking on today but the minute you see it, you’ll remember it.

Fizzy drinks. People like fizzy drinks. We know in a health-crazed culture where everyone’s going out of their way to look like some tanned bell-end from The Only Way Is Essex, it’s not fashionable to say that. Why not have a smoothie instead? Piss off. The people want sugar and strychnine!

That being said, these drinks are popular and force global drinks conglomerates to diversify and look for other opportunities and markets. That’s a good thing if you like to pop open a can of fizzy juice and get all hiccupy of an evening.

That being said however, it’s always been a struggle to sell the ‘great taste of Pepsi Max’ when in reality it tastes like sucking sweetened chicken-vomit through cheese-cloth. That’s why they tend to go in more for adverts which appeal to the EXTREME element of calling a product MAX which will appeal to MEN!

MEN LIKE EXTREME THINGS! It’s true.

Gentlemen, the next time you go to the supermarket, take a look at the deodorants. Many will say EXTREME, ULTIMATE, INDEFATIGABLE (well, maybe not), UNBEATABLE, MAX etc. That’s because the manufacturers want you to feel invincible as result of using the product. We can say with some degree of certainty that if they could have an image of a man surviving a nuclear holocaust, shielded by an eerie white shroud as a can design then they would.

Much in the same way that if they could get off with making an EXTREME toothpaste that tasted like metal filings, we’re quite sure they’d go for that too.

Surely this is the kind of thing that Badvertising should be looking at, we hear you scream (silently)! Well, yes but in an effort to stick to the formulaic nonsense that we confine ourselves to, we have to look for an advert that accentuates those elements. Oh…

It’s probably best to set up an overview of the advert in the minds of the advertising executive. A Pepsi Max account exec definitely didn’t say:

“The Asteroid campaign gave us the ability to show the consumer that people who drink Pepsi Max are go-getters who are willing to do absolutely anything it takes in order to get what they want be that in their professional life or their personal life.”

Of course, what they’ve ended up with in reality are a group of people who don’t take no for an answer. The primary thing we have to realise here is that our friend or the ‘protagonist’ of this piece (if it’s correct to call him that in such a depressingly misogynist piece of advertising) is a desperate, pathetic man who is so sure that he’s going to crash and burn with any woman that he meets in that bar that he’s enlisted a number of his friends using expensive television broadcast equipment (even if it’s only in the other room) to get a girl to sleep with him. He is, in many ways, like many current and former hecklerspray staff members.

Sure, on the face of it the implication that women are stupid enough to fall for a ploy which was at least partially ‘masterminded’ by someone who was in American Pie Presents “The Naked Mile” is deeply offensive to anyone with even a laughable IQ but maybe this poor loser is to be pitied.

Phwoar! Look at that apprehension! She's totally into it!

For a start the protagonist, or “Defendant 1″ as we’ll be calling him, is friends with someone who was in American Pie Presents “The Naked Mile” who is now apparently so desperate for an acting gig that he’s willing to put “Conspiracy to Sexually Assault” on his CV.

Second of all he’s running a risk giving this guy the ‘reporter’ gig in the first place. What if the girl or ‘target’ as we’re quite sure Defendant 1 wouldn’t want us to refer to her as had seen American Pie Presents “The Naked Mile” … actually. No. Fair enough. We take your point. No-one’s seen it.

Naturally this advert was cleared by the ASA who, according to our friends at Bitter Wallet claimed that it was too fantastical a situation to offend. Of course it is but what if people begin to try it out, eh? What if young men everywhere are suddenly asking for expensive broadcasting equipment for their Christmas?

Best Served After Forced Penetration

Maybe this advert is part of the government’s cost-cutting plans. Surely it would be cheaper to keep a note of those buying expensive TV equipment and hiring Steve Talley than to actually keep an up-to-date sex offenders’ register? Kudos to Ms May if that’s the case.

The exploitative and offensive nature of this advert is what makes it so reprehensible and to see the three rapists (because that’s what they are) congratulating each other on a rape well done is enough to make you sick to the very pit of your stomach. Unless you’re a rapist too, presumably.

So there you have it. EXTREME advertising doesn’t work if your idea of EXTREME is forcing your unsheathed penis on a woman with no desire to have your disappointing, shrivelled prune of a peen anywhere in her vicinity.

Don’t get any ideas, okay?

PLEASE NOTE: It’s only fair to mention that Steve Talley also starred in the slightly less successful American Pie Presents “Beta House”. It was also shit.

So. The big news about Justin Bieber is this: He’s putting a Christmas album out that is so bad that the holiday season is going to be cancelled (the terrorists have finally won). He’s also adopted a dog. He’s also sired a child with a woman who kinda raped him, legally speaking.

Okay? We’re up to speed? Good. Now, here’s the ‘facts’.

Justin Bieber was keen to talk about the big story swirling around him on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. He’s basically saying ‘NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE! YOU THINK I’M READY FOR THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT? I HAVE NOT ADOPTED A DOG!‘ Right. The baby, baby, baby oooooh Justin. That’s what everyone’s talking about y’little puke!

Finally, Bieber has spoken about the allegations that he has illegitimately fathered a child with a 20-year-old fan. When he was 16. That’s the whole statutory rape thing we mentioned.

So what does El Biebo have to say? Of course, he went on twitter to clear things up once and for all!

“I’m going to ignore the rumours and focus on what is real. Judge me on the music!”

Judging him on the music is the only more damning thing he could’ve chosen outside of his unsavoury beliefs on abortion.

Meanwhile, being a little more assertive, Bieber’s publicist has called the allegation

“malicious”

That’s not stopped Belieber Mariah Yeater heading to the courtroom though. She definitely believes herself when she said:

“He suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone. He told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”

“After walking away from the other people backstage, Justin Bieber found a place where we could be alone – a bathroom.

He promptly went and ‘fucked the shit’ out of her without a condom because he wanted to ‘feel everything’. That’s according to Yeater’s suit. And lo, on 6th July 2011, she gave birth to a baby boy, which she says was

“exactly 36 weeks and two days after the sexual encounter.”

She’s now requesting that Bieber does a paternity test and thinks about paying child support. Yeater’s lawyers say that their client…

“…is pursuing a modest and rightful claim. There is credible evidence that Justin Bieber is in fact the father of her baby.”

Bieber is not denying the claim that Little Bieber went into Yeater’s ‘back stage area’ unprotected. Did you notice that? This goes against his whole ‘mom, I promise I’ll stay pure’ schtick that he’s been wheeling around, eh?

Only last February he said:

“I don’t think you should have sex with anyone unless you love them.”

So. Hands up if you can tell the difference between what you believed happened, and what you want to believe?

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Remember when you lot liked Frankie Boyle? Remember when you watched Mock The Week and thought it was ‘alright’? Remember when you realised how awful it was? Remember when Boyle turned into a poor man’s Jerry Sadowitz/post-modern Roy Chubby Brown?

Of course you do. You’re still supremely sore about it. You’re irked and wounded because someone you once liked has gone so very, very shit.

And worse still, you’re irritated because Boyle is so very good at winding you up. That’s exactly what he’s doing right now, by wishing a raping on comedians Josie Long and Richard Herring. God, he’s a twitter outrage dream isn’t he?

So what’s he done?

Well, in his new book – which we can’t remember the name of because we, like you, have absolutely no intention of actually buying it – he’s gone and made a distasteful joke… WHICH IS A MASSIVE SURPRISE ISN’T IT?

Basically, Chortle report that he’s written down a depraved daydream that imagines

“Richard Herring being ‘fucked to death’”

He also muses on Josie Long (admittedly lovely)

“inhabiting a monkey body and being raped by a similarly simian Hitler”

And, with a wearisome predictability, Twitter goes into full outrage mode, giving Boyle approximately a million times the attention he would’ve had if everyone simply ignored it.

This kind of publicising has of course been mastered by the Daily Mail and the Fox News Network, which preys on liberal outrage… which of course, is the best kind of outrage.

Why? Because all the complaining wet-farts are simply going to complain… and complain… and complain… and that’s it. Nothing else. They’ll sit there with their arms folded like sulky toddlers in a supermarket, bottom lips stuck out kicking their thin little legs to no avail.

These people are, of course, the same people who grow moustaches for charity and are politically active, provided you don’t have to do anything beyond putting your email address into an online petition.

We saw a similar level of pathetic outrage when Ricky Gervais repeatedly used the word ‘mong’. Mong, granted, is not a very nice thing to say… but the response from an online community who still says things like ‘that’s well gay’, refers to androgynous people as looking ‘like trannies’ and doesn’t mind calling a friend a ‘spazz’ is a bit rich, right?

While Boyle is, without question, a tit who likes to make crass comments for his own amusement, at least he’s canny enough to feed on the pointless outrage that exists and turn it into a decent mortgage payment or ten.

So well done to you saps for that. Perhaps we should wish a raping on you spazzofaggotAIDSnegroes too, just to provoke some kind of traffic gobbling return too?

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Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.

Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.

Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.

According to the publishers of the book, Canongate, the slow sales have meant that despite all the media furore surrounding Assange and this unauthorised biography, the only people who have actually made any money out of it are Julian and his aforementioned, allegedly criminal, penis.

Assange and “little Julian” accepted an advance believed to be in the region of £250,000 from Canongate, which was then spunked away on lawyers to help ensure that Julian and his member were kept from being put behind bars in Sweden, following allegations of rape that were definitely part of one of those US conspiracies that sane and logical people always go on about at dinner parties or street corners, whilst wearing tin foil hats.

Rumours we just made up are abound that Canongate are in the process of asking best selling author Katie Price to knock up another draft whilst she’s between husbands, in the hope that maybe she would add some credibility and interest to the title.

Katie Price could not be reached for comment. Mainly because we can’t stand her.

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There’s been reports that Justin Bieber has been in a minor car accident this week while driving around in a Ferrari in Los Angeles. Even the police have confirmed that the pint-sized popstar was in an accident.

The official line is that there was no injury or damage to the car according to the authorities.

However, we’ve uncovered some shocking news that the young singer has already passed away and replaced by a reckless lookalike. There’s lots of concrete evidence to support this too, if you know where to look. It would appear that Justin Bieber is dead.

First off, there’s the change in his personality. For a while, Bieber was as wholesome as can be, but recent reports show Bieber to be brattish and quick-tempered. It’s obvious that the split with Selena Gomez is a result of the young singer not being able to cope with this new imposter, unwilling to tow the record company’s line on this.

There’s long been rumours that the original Bieber was being forced to take oestrogen pills in a bid to maintain his boyish charm and thwart the advances of puberty. Have you noticed how high his voice remained, despite being a teenager?

It could be that the pressures and hormonal imbalance caused Bieber to end his own life?

There’s suggestions that he could’ve been killed by the illuminati. In Bieber’s song, ‘Baby’, backmasking reveals a series of sinister messages declaring war and professing to be evil.

It’s obvious that the original Bieber – a good Christian boy – would not have been happy with these messages, enabling the illuminati to kill him and replace him with a lookalike who is more willing to hide messages in song.

Bieber has also taken time to praise various rappers, with a particular penchant for Tupac. Of course, it is suggested that ‘Pac was killed by the illuminati, which Shakur predicted before his death in the song ‘Killuminati’.

He rapped:

“I’m comin back like Jesus, bow down to my ill nation”

As well as:

“Yo Makaveli they can’t stop you”

This is clear reference to Niccolò Machiavelli, a man who faked his death.

The Machiavelli link is even more sinister. If you take the name Niccolo Machiavelli and mix up the letters, you get “a chic vanillic mole”.

In terms of some perhaps faking his death to escape the clutches of the illuminati, we need to look closer at this. ‘A chic vanillic mole’ refers to the fact that Bieber is incredibly popular right now (or, ‘in vogue’ or ‘chic’) and very boy-next-door safe for consumers (or, ‘vanillic’ if you will). The mole is a reference to Bieber’s surname – which comes from the Bavarian for ‘beaver’. The mole is widely regarded to be the land-dwelling equivalent of the beaver, which brings us to a clear indication that Justin Bieber’s death, or perhaps faked-death, was predicted many years ago.

Bieber’s willingness to praise Tupac was clearly the young singer whistle-blowing. Examine his lyrics and you’ll find more clues to his death (faked or otherwise).

“I never thought that I could walk through fire, I never thought I could take the burn. I never had the strength to take it higher, until I reached the point of no return.”

This, taken from the chilling Never Say Never, is backed up with more clues.

“I never thought I could feel this power”

Is this ‘power’, the feeling of release that Bieber would feel once he ‘dies’, in a bid to escape the clutches of the illuminati? He goes on:

“Like David and Goliath, I conquered a giant, so now I got the world in my hand…”

The lyrics then go on to talk about landing on the moon – perhaps a nod to the lunar conspiracies which are inextricably linked to illuminati activity?

This feeling of power is also mixed with a clawing sense of claustrophobia. In Down To Earth, he sings:

“The walls are closing in on us”

In Runaway Love, he notes:

“I’m running out of time…”

Even Bieber’s album is titled, ‘My World 2.0′. A clear indication that this is a second, ‘updated’ version of the popstar. Was the original Bieber killed off or disappeared before it’s release? You only have to look at Justin to know that there’s something awry here.

As you can see in this young picture of Bieber, he looks completely different to the way he looks now. The cheekbones are more defined. His hair is a different colour. He’s started to wear sunglasses in an attempt to throw fans off the scent. Did Bieber create the Shawty Mane alter-ego to try and continue releasing music from ‘beyond the grave’?

We’ve been asked privately, not to share this information. We feel it is too important to keep to ourselves. And sure, you may dismiss this as the ramblings of a lunatic, but hecklerspray has been working tirelessly as a team to uncover the sinister truth behind Justin Bieber.

There’s clearly shadowy forces at work. How else can you justify is incredible influence and popularity in the world? We will continue to investigate this and, of course, you dear reader, are invited to conduct your own lines of questioning as we work toward getting the truth out about Justin Bieber’s death.

Justin is dead man, miss him, miss him. Are you a true Belieber?

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Christmas is promoted over summer these days, since stupid capitalism got involved. They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year and who are we to disagree? Children throw strops when their parents won’t buy them a games console to replace last year’s outdated model whilst long lost relatives crawl out the woodwork looking for presents.

But the most irritatingly thing about Christmas isn’t the dry turkey or lack of birthday cake for Jesus with its 2000+ candles – it’s the awful music.

Crusty rockers such as Slade cash-in on royalties as TV and radio stations lazily play a variety of supposedly feel good hits that get us in the mood for eating and drinking ’til we get diabetes. Recent years have seen X-Factor contestants pester us with songs that usually take the number one position, but if that wasn’t enough to make you upset, Justin Bieber has decided to release his own Christmas album. We think we can hear baby Jesus driving nails into his hands again.

It’s a shame that Jesus is dead, because we’d love to see what sort of songs he’d put on a compilation, or even spin in a nightclub under the alias of DJ J-Suss. Perhaps a religious cult is hoping that Justin Bieber’s angelic like voice will trigger the return of our lord saviour, returning to planet Earth so he command the world’s superheroes. Batman and Superman must surely be the equivalent of community support officers, filling in for Jesus until he’s back on the beat.

Like many artists before him, we imagine that Justin Bieber will take a batch of archaic hymns and carols, giving them a modern day twist. By that, he’ll add a tinny sounding beat, a cheap and nasty melody that could be created on a poundshop keyboard and add a dash of pointless rapping with those bastard sleigh bells.

Regardless of this album sounding worse than a Cher Lloyd and Olly Murs collaboration, Bieber lovers will no doubt be flocking to snap up the record when it’s released, or opening it as a gift on Christmas day.

For any mortified parent reading this and hoping we’re talking our usual rubbish, you’ll be sad to know that news of a Justin Bieber album came straight from the mouth of the foetus itself. Using Twitter, he or one of his minions posted:

“So it’s true…been in the studio doing something special for Christmas. We are going to try and raise a lot of money this year for charity!”

As yet, the charity hasn’t yet been announced, but due to Justin Bieber still being a child and believing in Christmas creations like Santa, he’ll no doubt be investing any money raised in a course to teach reindeer how to fly. Just so they can be like Rudolph and all of his other merry chums that deliver us shoddily made goods each time the 25th December rolls round.

Or it’ll be put into a secret offshore bank account that Bieber will use to fund his heroin habit when times get bad.

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Nobody told us that Justin Bieber was back on the market via a flurry of texts or messages on Twitter. We had to do some detective work after mopping moisture from our trousers. Not because we were engaging in sexy acts with ourselves, but rather, the supersonic wavelengths shattered our bottle of No Frills gin (paint thinner to you) after the world’s children screamed so loudly that nothing stood a chance.

Of course, tiny pop menses, Justin Bieber, has been the apple of many young girls’ eyes and everything seemed fine and dandy as he sang inoffensive songs whilst making barrels of money for record executive who’ve has a greying ponytail older than the little gyrating cash calf.

The one sworn enemy amongst Bieber fans has always been Selena Gomez who was every girl’s idea as a home wrecking bitch. But the clutches of this evil beast has been released and Justin Bieber is now available for us all to throw ourselves at! US FIRST!

Gomez’s romance with the seven year old dwarf singer, angered his tiny milk-teeth grinding fans. They really didn’t take kindly to their crush being taken away from them. As such, comedic messages of badly spelled hate were sent her way: Was this the reason that Selana kicked Bieber’s barely developed bottom to the curb?

Somebody muttered:

“She doesn’t feel Justin is quite mature enough yet to be in a long-term, stable relationship. She’s in the market for someone a little older and more worldly-wise and she was as unhappy about Justin’s friendship with bad boys Chris Brown and Sean Kingston.”

Friends with Sean Kingston and Chris Brown? Alarm bells would start ringing in any sane minded persons head. After all, we all know that part human, part muppet creation Sean Kingston has the uncanny ability to try and crack open his brains on Miami bridges.

As for Chris buck toothed Brown? We guess that Selena Gomez is one of the few ‘celebs in America to realise that punching someone in the race, regardless of their gender or status shouldn’t be allowed to regain popularity. But if smashing a chair through a window when asked questions about domestic assault makes you LOL, then Chris Brown must make a lot of people happy.

After a cup of hot chocolate, a cuddle with his blanket and kissing practice with his hand, Justin Bieber will bounce back to seduce some lucky child. If Michael Jackson was still with us, we’re sure an invite to Neverland would have already landed on his doormat.

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Justin Bieber has created a monster. That’s right – the 4 week old heartthrob has managed to get a young, innocent girl and turn her into a jaded, cynical, coal hearted ghoul. Bieber, mixed with American politics, has torn out the heart of a fragile young girl, now destined for a life of jaded pain.

So what happened?

Do you remember young Caroline Gonzalez being made mayor of a Texan town? Well, the 11 year old’s first act as Boss Of You was to rename Main Street ‘Justin Bieber Way’. Real talk. However, the machinery of the world has bitten her on the backside, creating a ghoulish creature ready to ruin the world. When she’s old enough of course.

See, what happened was that the sign made to rename the street has been stolen. Her first political act resulted in a rebellion from her people.

She’ll never trust another human as long as her feeble little heart has a beat in it.

Caroline’s father, Tony Gonzalez said that after she learned of the theft, he had…

“never seen her so mad”.

City officials have rushed a new sign out to replace it, which will also get stolen, thereby continuing the depressing spiral in the spirits of young Caroline Gonzalez.

Look what you’ve done America! If she goes on a machine gun rampage in a mall, you’ve only yourselves to blame.

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For once, we’d like to say how proud we are of someone. And the person is none other than Canadian dwarf warbler, Justin Bieber. Despite being twelve months old and having an entertainment career that’s spanned two decades, he’s kept his feet firmly on the floor and not gone off the rails.

You can’t say the same for his fans though.

One look at those guys and you can see some bona fide crazy behaviour. Because they aren’t tall enough to reach most objects, their shortness sparks anger which is usually thrown at h8erz like hecklerspray and Selena Gomez, Bieber’s ladyfriend. Fans of Bieber usually fling themselves at their idol like a footballer does towards brown envelopes of used bank notes. However, there is a way of showing how much you love Bieber without self harming with a Hello Kitty pen. In one backwards town in Texas, one Belieber managed to rename a grotty street after the singer.

You might be thinking why Forney, the town in Texas, would happily destroy its heritage by renaming Main Street to  Justin Bieber Way?

Perhaps the local police force saw the recent trouble across the UK and wanted to make sure that its own children didn’t take to the streets, looting whatever they could find. Justin Bieber is so brilliant that he could stop a riot. Easy.

Amazingly, the local mayor in Forney offered people the opportunity to become leader of the town for the day too, which was designed to spark government interest in young people. We don’t know what the criteria was to win the contest, but the lucky winner was eleven year old Caroline Gonzalez.

She is clearly not to be trusted.

And of course, hard political issues such as immigration and the economy weren’t discussed by the victor of the contest. After a cabinet of dolls and teddies had been formed, the first action of the day was in order, renaming a street to honour Justin Bieber. She said:

“I really like Justin Bieber. I like his music and I like him. And I thought, why not have a street in my hometown named after my favourite singer?”

To be fair, she seems more straight talking than most politicians. David Cameron or Barack Obama would be mincing their words and defending such a random act as some sort of warped way to link to job cuts or the obesity epidemic. It won’t be long though ’til Caroline Gonzalez is fiddling her expense sheet and found in a ditch with an orange in her mouth.

Still, where America walks, Britain follows, so fully expect to see Simon Cowell Grove and Rastamouse Avenue cropping up near you some time soon.

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It’s hard to know when you’ve achieved ultimate glory. For football players, gracing the cover of computer games is enough to know they’ve reached the dizzy heights of fame, though the modern player will argue that having a kiss and tell story whored out to the press is the current recognition of stardom. But what about popstars?

Of course, the obligatory merchandising goes with any musician, as branded calendars are labelled as highly collectable, easily enticing young fans to whip out their wallets. Surely every piece of tat to buy has been covered?

Well we certainly thought so, but try telling that to Justin Bieber. Despite just learning to walk, the crooning runt has recently released a perfume called ‘Someday.’ And now, he’s got the flavours of that and remixed them into a new product called the Bieber Bocker Glory. Whilst this sounds like some sort of sordid sex act, we’ve been told it’s an ice cream.

A fistful of dust could be sold to fans of Justin Bieber due to his unique ability to peddle any only tosh. However, it appears that some thought has gone into this strange ice cream creation. Even though perfume is just smelly water, all sorts of PR guff gets thrown around to try and make us think that we’re splashing our necks with ancient African fire herbs. The Bieber Bocker Glory simply takes the notes of the scent and blends them into something you can shove down your throat. It contains:

“Wild berry and vanilla ice cream, pear, lavender sprinkles, and edible glitter.”

Unconfirmed reports have us believe that the dessert will be severed up on a silver tray by a unicorn that’ll be firing a rainbow out of its horn and whistling the theme to Match Of The Day. If this was to happen, then expect to pay through the nose for the privilege, but for now, you’ll just have to trudge over to Harrods in London where you’ll no doubt be robbed blind for something that cost about £2 to literally whip up.

Sadly, there’s more Justin Bieber ice cream news.

It’s also been reported by a fanatical Bieber blog that Nestle have decided to produce ice cream bearing the Canadian singers face. In honour of his nation, we can only assume that the normal and slightly boring chocolate flavour will go out the window. Instead, we’ll be treated to a taste of Canada – like the taste of smashed in seals heads with thick sticky blood being replaced by strawberry sauce. But where can you buy this tasty treat? Don’t run down the supermarket at once now, it’s only available in Israel for some unknown reason.

Poor Israel, it isn’t like they have enough problems already without a gurning Justin Bieber ice cream bar to deal with.

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Selena Gomez may be stupid enough to stay with Justin Bieber (who seems more than happy to have her be on the receiving end of a load of death threats and, rumour has it, likes cheating on her too), but she’s certainly not daft enough to marry him.

See, Gomez obviously wants to listen to that nagging voice in the back of her mind that says “why yes, you are going out with an ogre of an infant… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t rinse him for money, gifts and reflected fame”.

That’s because, despite her wholly miserable co-existence with the warbling newborn, he does nice things like treating her to trips to Disneyland (where he was probably mistaken for Boo from Monsters Inc.) and constantly fiddles with her training bra while gurgling sexy noises. But marriage? Don’t be silly.

Hilariously, it appears that Gomez is waiting for a real man.

She’s not getting married to the Biebster because she wants to have sex with Transformers actor and Megan Fox marriage wrecker, Shia LaBeouf.

Speaking about LaBeouf, Selena admitted:

“I was so happy when I saw Shia. I was so star-struck. He probably thinks I’m crazy and I probably made a fool out of myself, but I love him. I have literally been obsessed with him since I was 15.”

“Shia’s older than me, so I look up to him. I don’t want to marry him, though!”

So purely physical then? Impressive. It seems that Selena is yearning for someone to come along and present themselves to satisfy her needs when she becomes legal… and she’s right to do so because, when that time comes, Bieber will invariably still be forming a solid fontanelle and shouting “MOMMY! I DONE A POOP MOMMY!”

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Infant prancer, Justin Bieber, is to take a month off work, meaning that, by the time August is up, he will have taken half of his life off as a holiday, which is quite astonishing and welcome news to anyone who is in possession of at least one crude hearing receptacle on their head.

In fairness, Bieber has been working incredibly hard doing things like growing finger nails, developing his speech to such an extent that he can ask for his ‘din dins’, and we shouldn’t forget that he’s managed to scowl at women who want an abortion after they’ve been raped.

But what has a Baby Whisperer translated JB’s gurglings to mean? Apparently, it involves God. Could Bieber be leaving music to go where the real money is, by starting up a cult?

The foetal hitmaker has hired a series of superstars to collaborate with him on his upcoming record. He’s hanging around with some of music’s pillars of the community.

This includes Kanye West who made Taylor Swift cry and announced to the world that he’d fallen in love with a porn star, as well as Chris Brown who thought it might be okay to repeatedly punch Rihanna in the face over and over again ’til she looks like the offal bucket in a butchers.

Hanging around with these guys, Bieber hopes, is going to help him mature.

A Baby Whisperers informs us that Justin says:

“I’ve been working so hard, I’m taking a month off. It’s been great to just think and enjoy hanging out with my friends.”

And this is where God comes in.

“I’m still growing up, and when you’re working every day, you don’t really get a chance to figure out who you are. So with the time off, I’m able to think, pray and just kind of grow up.”

He’s going off for a nice pray to a false God, who, with any luck, will inform Bieber to set up a new religious so that his fans can become literal Beliebers, all ready to descend into the woods for a life of no abortions, hanging around with men who thrash women and a finer appreciation of porn stars, all destined to end in a firey death like David Koresh.

This could be brilliant and, with any luck, filmed in 3D like Bieber’s last film.

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A girl’s 19th birthday is the most important day of her life isn’t it? It’s the day womenfolk shed that pesky third nipple, lose that feathery down and finally are allowed to start buying adult shoes.

It’s a momentous day.

And so, with it being a day of such huge importance, all friends and family drop everything to join the celebration of flowering womanhood. Unless you’re Selena Gomez. See, Selena is stepping out with the ghoulish infant, Justin Bieber, who simply can’t be bothered to go to this massive, massive occasion.

Gomez turns 19 this Friday (July 22nd, should you want to set a reminder up on your phone so you can send e-cards or death threats) and Bieber won’t be there. HE WON’T BE THERE.

Gomez says of the festivities:

“I think my mom has planned something for me. I didn’t really ask for anything, so I’m basically just going to be at tour rehearsal during the day. Maybe go to dinner at night with my family. Pretty boring.”

Then, choking on grief tears, answering the question about Bieber’s appearance…

“I actually think he’ll be in Atlanta. But that’s OK. We all gotta work.”

How brave. How very, very brave.

Gomez has a lot to live up to if she’s going to top her 18th bash. Last year, she celebrated with a barbecue which apparently had ‘meats’ and ‘cheese potatoes.’

Oh, how the other half live!

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