There’s always been something incredibly sinister about Justin Bieber. Anyone who is paraded around like a prepubescent monkey eunuch should fill any right-minded person with the dread of a thousand bailiffs.
The very fact no-one seems to mind a performing menstrual period is of great concern, especially given that Bieber is clearly using his power for unspeakable evil.
Like what? Well, at the wave of his nailless foetal hand, it appears that the world’s young are donating their organs. Oooh, the horror!
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It looks like Justin Bieber won’t have a little friend to play with in his sandbox after Mariah Yeater dropped her lawsuit which alleged that the infant singer fathered her four-month old son with his hairless willy.
The depressing thing about that is, in particular, that he almost certainly didn’t tell a young fan that he wanted to ‘eff her brains out‘. We liked the idea of that sentiment making a comeback.
Either way, this lawsuit has shown a more snidey, snarky side of Bieber which has been slowly revealing itself over the last year, giving credence to the idea that JB has actually been replaced with a lookalike by the Illuminati.
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This week’s Badvertising proves that the really piss-poor elements of advertising live longer in the memory than the really good ones. What do you remember most? Those Nescafé ads where Anthony Head gets his end away or that insurance advert where Michael Winner tells people to calm down before disemboweling them with a rusty fork? We can’t even remember which one’s meant to be the bad one in that comparison.
What we’re trying to say is, this isn’t a new advert that we’re picking on today but the minute you see it, you’ll remember it.
Fizzy drinks. People like fizzy drinks. We know in a health-crazed culture where everyone’s going out of their way to look like some tanned bell-end from The Only Way Is Essex, it’s not fashionable to say that. Why not have a smoothie instead? Piss off. The people want sugar and strychnine!
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So. The big news about Justin Bieber is this: He’s putting a Christmas album out that is so bad that the holiday season is going to be cancelled (the terrorists have finally won). He’s also adopted a dog. He’s also sired a child with a woman who kinda raped him, legally speaking.
Okay? We’re up to speed? Good. Now, here’s the ‘facts’.
Justin Bieber was keen to talk about the big story swirling around him on Ryan Seacrest’s radio show. He’s basically saying ‘NO WAY! NOT A CHANCE! YOU THINK I’M READY FOR THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT? I HAVE NOT ADOPTED A DOG!‘ Right. The baby, baby, baby oooooh Justin. That’s what everyone’s talking about y’little puke!
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Remember when you lot liked Frankie Boyle? Remember when you watched Mock The Week and thought it was ‘alright’? Remember when you realised how awful it was? Remember when Boyle turned into a poor man’s Jerry Sadowitz/post-modern Roy Chubby Brown?
Of course you do. You’re still supremely sore about it. You’re irked and wounded because someone you once liked has gone so very, very shit.
And worse still, you’re irritated because Boyle is so very good at winding you up. That’s exactly what he’s doing right now, by wishing a raping on comedians Josie Long and Richard Herring. God, he’s a twitter outrage dream isn’t he?
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Wikileaks founder Julian Assange probably knows all of your deepest and darkest secrets, but it seems like no one wants to know any of his as his new unauthorised autobiography has failed to set the literary world alight.
Since being released last week “Julian Assange: The Unauthorarised Autobiography,” hasn’t managed to shift more than 1,000 copies.
Assange will undoubtedly blame the poor sales on some bizarre CIA conspiracy plot, instead of accepting the fact that no one really cares about him or his allegedly criminal penis.
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There’s been reports that Justin Bieber has been in a minor car accident this week while driving around in a Ferrari in Los Angeles. Even the police have confirmed that the pint-sized popstar was in an accident.
The official line is that there was no injury or damage to the car according to the authorities.
However, we’ve uncovered some shocking news that the young singer has already passed away and replaced by a reckless lookalike. There’s lots of concrete evidence to support this too, if you know where to look. It would appear that Justin Bieber is dead.
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Christmas is promoted over summer these days, since stupid capitalism got involved. They say it’s the most wonderful time of the year and who are we to disagree? Children throw strops when their parents won’t buy them a games console to replace last year’s outdated model whilst long lost relatives crawl out the woodwork looking for presents.
But the most irritatingly thing about Christmas isn’t the dry turkey or lack of birthday cake for Jesus with its 2000+ candles – it’s the awful music.
Crusty rockers such as Slade cash-in on royalties as TV and radio stations lazily play a variety of supposedly feel good hits that get us in the mood for eating and drinking ’til we get diabetes. Recent years have seen X-Factor contestants pester us with songs that usually take the number one position, but if that wasn’t enough to make you upset, Justin Bieber has decided to release his own Christmas album. We think we can hear baby Jesus driving nails into his hands again.
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People Irritated That Frankie Boyle Is So Good At Trolling Them With Josie Long Rape Jape
by Mof Gimmers on October 24, 2011 3 Comments
Of course you do. You’re still supremely sore about it. You’re irked and wounded because someone you once liked has gone so very, very shit.
And worse still, you’re irritated because Boyle is so very good at winding you up. That’s exactly what he’s doing right now, by wishing a raping on comedians Josie Long and Richard Herring. God, he’s a twitter outrage dream isn’t he?
Read More >>>