Articles tagged with: Rape
It's an age-old defence and one that many, many people have relied on throughout the ages to help them avoid being shouted at, dumped, ignored or sent to prison on alleged charges of having sex with an underage girl and filming it: "It wasn't me." Even Shaggy relied on it at one point, though the dolt did ruin the get-out clause for the rest of us by making it public knowledge. Now, as fate would have it and as the mole/artifact argument would have us believe, the man in the video being examined in the R Kelly child sex trial isn't actually R himself. It is, as the defence have stated, a lookalike.
hecklerspray was horribly stuck once in the middle of a swirling gaggle of wing-flapping Canadian geese. It was terrible - all the squawking, all the honking, all the pinching us with feathers - terrible we tell you!
When they finally flew away we were stranded two states to the south from where we were when it started with only a tattered Italian motorcycle jacket and some wing-shaped facial bruises. Our subliminal self-defence mechanism has helped us block out a lot of what happened - but three weeks later we laid a freaking egg. We're just saying.
Because of this experience we can kind of but not really relate to how DMX must have felt after some woman raped him while he was only trying to sleep with a window-breeze regulating the temperature of his exposed man-parts. We can't totally relate, mind you, because a judge never summarily called our account fictitious and then awarded all those geese something like a million and a half dollars.
But aside from that we know exactly what the man's going through.
Firstly, in case the headline misleads you, Sir Alex Ferguson did not arrange a Christmas Rape Party for his players. The use of the phrase 'rape party' is in reference to the alleged rape by young player Jonny Evans (a charge that is almost certainly to be dropped on the grounds of insufficient evidence) that may or may not have occurred at the same party, where this girl was - also supposedly - given the red devil roasting experience. OK? Now let's continue...
A guest at the party has described how she could hear the group of players having an orgy with the young girl in a hotel room. She told The Sun:
"I was upstairs in the hotel gossiping with a friend when I heard cheering and clapping noises coming from one of the rooms. We could hear the voices of around five or six men - together with the groaning noises of a girl who was clearly having sex."
Ladies - it's now OK to accept if Lord Of The Dance Michael Flatley ever decides to invite you out for a drinks, because he's statistically much less likely to rape you afterwards than before.
We know this because a court has just ruled that Michael Flatley cannot in any way be considered a rapist, and if you do call Michael Flatley a rapist then he'll sue your balls off. That's what's just happen in Los Angeles, anyway, where Michael Flatley has been awarded $11 million in damages from a woman who falsely accused him of rape in 2002. It's a double-eged sword for the Flatley fans of the world, though - although they'll obviously be relieved that their hero isn't a rapist, they're going to have to come to terms with the unexpected fact that Michael Flatley finds women attractive and not men.
We think we've finally worked out how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear in 1983 - there's a chance he did it via a tricky combination of raping it, beating it up and then paying it $2 million to go away.
That's just a theory, mind you, and we're far too lazy to look on Wikipedia and see that he just did it with clever camera angles or something. We wouldn't want to get, say, a grand jury to investigate it. But when a real-life woman who isn't made of copper or 151 feet tall says that David Copperfield raped her, beat her and tried to pay her $2 million to shut up, grand juries are all over it. Following more revelations about David Copperfield's supposed July rape of an unidentified woman in the Bahamas, a federal grand jury in Seattle has launched an investigation into the claims. So by the time it's over we'll all be able to know if David Copperfield is a creepy rapist or just a good old-fashioned creepy magician, of which there are many.
