Its a matter of weeks since Beyonce and Jay Z popped out a sprog in a hospital which they cordoned off all for themselves (probably leaving patients to die in the street or something), and they’re already out getting drunk like irresponsible thugs.
Seriously. Blue Ivy Carter’s head hasn’t even had the chance to form over the fontanelle yet, the poor neglected thing!
Yet still, this ghoulish pair don’t care one jot, going out and drinking shots and champagne without a care where their child is. Blue Ivy was probably locked in the car or something. It’s all so unspeakably awful that we’re crying here. CRYING.
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Nicki Minaj is a woman on a mission. Her mission is to become the most gifted, yet irritatingly wasteful popstar who ever lived. Her guest-raps have been a thing of wonderful, but when it comes to her own back-catalogue, she’s determined to make the most annoying pop music ever made.
Seriously. She’s taken Daphne & Celeste’s blueprint and cracked it to 11 and added some push-up bras and kooky wigs.
And now, her latest offering – ‘Stupid Hoe’ – is getting banned by everyone because it is so very, very grating. Fancy a listen? Click over…
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World events they’re fun aren’t they? Well no, not really, but hey at least you can now use IfIDie.net to record an ‘in-case of my accidentally on purpose death please avenge me to the bitter end’ video. Yes that a real thing now. Yes, it does seem like one of those fake adverts from Six Feet Under and yes it is the greatest use of video technology ever created.
We don’t know why bands even try anymore. They can’t even beat an advert for your own death. The 80’s, that’s what the music video was for, signifying an overabundance of crass ideologies, big hair, glittery outfits and the subjugation of women to the simple age when they were just ‘things’.
Did we mention the hair because that’s a pretty important part? Anyway, shall we look at the new releases?
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Whitney Houston has had a GIGANTIC amount of MONSTROUSLY LARGE hits. That one off the Bodyguard where she looks like she’s defecating in a forest for the key-change in the video. That one where she had a blonde perm. It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay.
Of course, there’s that one where she said that she believed that children were our future and that, should we teach them well, we could probably let them lead the way.
Well, it seems Whitney has been getting financial advice from a 6-year-old as her squillions of dollars have all but vanished from her purse, leaving her hilariously begging people for money. Crack eh? Easy punchline, but more pertinently, a Whitney Houston ruiner.
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Tulisa off of ‘N Dubz’ has split up with that other bloke Fazer out of ‘N Dubz’ because they were just having a hard time. What’s that you say? Not the best of starts to the week? Well congratu-bloody-lations on that nugget of wisdom, Sherlock. You THINK?
APPAZ (It’s definitely an ‘appaz’ moment. Please give us one ‘appaz’.) Tulisa moved out of the couple’s North London haunt, at some point sometime in the past week probably, and the only reason we’re a bit hazy on that is only because we’re very vulnerable and are having trouble keeping our calenders straight in our shaky callous fingers right now, before you start.
What’s more, it’s not been looking too good for the Camden childhood sweethearts as it was, seeing as their holiday in the Maldives the other day didn’t half go all post-traumatic stressy bessy anyway. We just really didn’t fancy mentioning that at the time, because we didn’t want to make your lovely little faces do that thing.. YES, THAT. THAT THING YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW. With the tears. Stop that. Think our problems are really as big as Sinead O Connor’s, do we? Mmm. Well maybe pour another glass of brandy, listen to Mandinka on a slower RPM, and then grow a heart. (Sorry, we’re still sad.)
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Are you familiar with Drake? If not, then all you need to know is that he’s the lamest, softest, wimpiest milktoast of a rapper who ever lived. Seriously. Your little sister could easily take him. Your dead nana could beat him up AND out-rap him.
And so, with that, does it surprise you that the weather made him cry?
Over the weekend, he played at the Sundance Film Festival and it snowed a bit. Instead of making a snow-sculpture shaped like a ho with a gun, he preferred to bite his nails and worry about the whole thing, cowering under his Power Rangers blankie, fearing for his life.
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Kanye West is not a talented rapper. Sure, he’s great at getting heard, getting famous and coming up with mad-schemes to stay in the limelight, but he’s rapping… let us just say he’s a slower wordsmith than Turbo B from Snap!
Still, an attention-seeker always gets attention.
And it appears that he’s always been like that, as a video has emerged online of Kanye performing a poem when he was a little biddy 12 year old. Wanna see it?
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Azealia Banks is attractive, ballsy and is responsible for some outrageously fun tunes. 212 was a thrilling slice of pop which had one of the filthiest refrains in memory. And now, a new track is online (which you can hear below) which samples Aaliyah!
And so, talented newbie samples RnB legend? What could possibly go wrong?
Well, once you’ve heard it, you might be tempted to think ‘everything’. See, Azealia Banks has gone and made something really very boring indeed. Is she a case of all hype and no knickers? We should lower our hopes.
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