Imagine being Courtney Love for a second. Imagine, if you can, what it must be like to be that mental. Try and picture the look on people’s faces are you haul your bizarre face around the streets of the world. Just think, how brilliant it must be to be so deluded that you carry all this off thinking you’re brilliant!

All this, despite the fact you’ve never made a decent record in your life, got your child taken off you for being an outrageous smack-head, fallen out with your deceased husband’s friends (who you were accused of killing in a film) and now, being ignored by your own daughter.

AND NOW SHE MIGHT BE HOMELESS! That’s right, our Courtney – as we previously reported – was involved in a fire at her New York City apartment. Trouble is now knocking on her charred door.

See, the owner of the luxury NYC townhouse Love rents is under the assumption that SHE set the place on fire and, if it isn’t too much trouble, could she get out of the house, LIKE NOW.

Wonder why the landlord would think that the infamously trouble-free Courtney Love had set her own house on fire?

According to the owner, the “landmark luxury 4-story townhouse in Manhattan’s West Village” was custom designed by a famous architect and interior designer and Love agreed not to mess with anything inside the place without permission.

However, the owner thinks that Love totally ignored that and started repainting the place and wallpapering over the “glazed hand-brushed walls.” That seems out of character for the notoriously sensible rock star.

Oh, let us not forget the fire.

The owner claims the local Fire Department responded to the torched curtains and bed linens, but, it’s thought that – thanks to burn marks throughout the gaff – there’s a chance the entire structure may have caught fire. You may let a tenant off for an accident, but not one you are claiming is $54,000 behind on rent.

Is the owner of the house a chuckling D. Grohl? Anyway, we’ve got a question: Couldn’t Kurt Cobain’s corpse actually BUY her a house of her own?

Courtney Love’s mother-in-law doesn’t have a front door. She has black mold. Her sister-in-law is homeless. Meanwhile, Dave Grohl bought an Aston Martin last week. It’s an awful state of affairs isn’t it?

Of course, some of you may be wondering where this has come from. Well, these ‘facts’ have come from the oddly shaped mouth of Courtney herself who wants to point out what a dreadful rotter Dave Grohl is and how hard done to Courtney’s family are.

One question: Why doesn’t Courtney Love who, by her own admission earns ‘tons of money’, buy her mother-in-law a front door and put her sister up in one of her large houses? Either way, there’s some videos over the jump which show Courtney and her Hole fans enjoying some nice homophobia.

While playing a show in Brazil, one of the dimwitted throng (what other kind of throng could possibly pay money to go and watch Hole? Seriously. They’re the Nickelback of Grunge) decided to hoist up their Kurt Cobain t-shirt.

This saw Courtney having a tantrum (massive surprise), spouting off about how she was the one who married him, the one who carried his kid and, oddly, Cobain’s ghost. Of course, you could sympathise with her feeling so protective of her family if she wasn’t ever a junkie who lost custody of her child in the ’90s and in more recent years, publicly disowned her child for having thoughts of her own.

But she cares, maaaan.

Anyway, here’s rant number one, where she storms off stage, with not a care in the world for all those people who spent their hard-earned money on tickets for a Hole show.

While Courtney may not give two hoots about Hole fans finances, she certainly cares about Dave Grohl’s bank account. In a post-gig interview, she spits about how he’s got a Nirvana Inc. credit card (can we please have one? PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE?) and how her family is destitute.

DESTITUTE.

Would it be trite to point out that Courtney Love who has acres of money could help these people out? Or, maybe, just maybe, she’s making them suffer because she’s selfishly making a point about Dave Grohl? Her beef with her corpse-husband’s former bandmate is far more important to her than buying a front door for her mother-in-law in winter, right?

Still, all that can go whistle because, to get Courtney back onstage, some shirtless bozo from her ranks waddled before the crowd and asked them to repeat the phrase…

“The Foo Fighters are gay.”

We can assume that this wasn’t meant to be a compliment, so it seems that Courtney Love is happy for her crew to say things like that and, more to the point, has such contempt for the homosexuals of the world that, using them as a slur is the only thing that will sufficiently attack Dave Grohl for her to feel loved enough to restart a gig.

Isn’t that nice? Isn’t Courtney Love a really, really pleasant woman?

Say what you like about Kelly Osbourne, but… no, seriously. Say whatever you like. We’re not Kelly Osbourne so we’re not going to defend her. That’s because she’s rather fond of doing it for herself.

See, Kelly has had a privileged but awkward upbringing, and so, as some coping mechanism, developed a really loud mouth.

If you go after her, she’ll probably huff and puff and yell your house down. So, when an ex of hers starts slating her on twitter, she’s not likely to take it lying down is she? Especially when she’s still grieving over the loss of her friend, Amy Winehouse.

Osbourne has had many run-ins with her ex-fiance – Luke Worrall – and this week, he really did pick a lousy time to start airing the dirty linen.

At some point, he obviously remembered that his ex had just lost a mate, and hastily deleted his tweets aimed at Kelly. Sadly for him, she’d already seen them.

After returning and seeing what he wrote, she responded:

“@luke_worrall you’ve made it very clear u only dated me 4 my life style but s*** tweets about me the day im @ a funeral u have hit a new low.”

Fair enough. She wasn’t done though.

“@luke_worrall it was fine when my Kellyphant ass was paying 4everything wasn’t it? i just didn’t think u could get much lower but u did #wow.”

Kellyphant? Crikey. That’s beneath even us!

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Dog owners are idiots. They dote on their flea-bitten shit-factories like they’re proper members of the family, despite the fact they do no work around the house, demand food and walkies and are only good for blaming your flatulence on.

Not that dog owners would ever let on. They look into their idiot dog’s eyes and mistake stupidity for some kind of human empathy. ‘My dog understands me and is always there when I need them!’ Dogs are always there, period. They’re after food or a piss, not a heart-to-heart. Dogs probably don’t even have hearts. Just more shit.

Of course, the rest of us perfectly sensible humans have to put up with people when their dogs die. We suffered like Jesus on the cross when Jennifer Aniston’s dog passed-away, and now, we are required to do the same for Kelly Osbourne who has lost the only thing in her life that she felt was an intellectual equal.

That’s right kiddiewinks, Kelly’s pooch, Noodles, has been ‘put to sleep’ (or, if you’re being honest, terminated with a syringe of poison) which has left her ‘devastated’.

Apparently, this lesser being (we’re talking about the dog here) was exterminated without prejudice after it was discovered that it had an incurable brain defect. No, we don’t care either. Let us get this clear – a dog called Noodles, which is a Pomeranian or something, had a seizure and then got killed.

Not that Kelly sees it through rational eyes.

She said:

“My poor baby girl Noodles is sick. She had a seizure and they don’t know why I’m taking her to see a specialist 2 hours away for a brain scan. I can’t even look at my baby girl with out crying she just looks so sick and helpless.(sic)”

She later tweeted:

“Noodles is not going to make it. She was born with a brain defect and I have to put her to sleep today. I’m devastated. I just cant believe it. (sic)”

The world is potentially going to cry its entire reserves of water over this because this TRAGEDY comes a matter of weeks after Kelly almost lost another dog. A dog called Sid. Sid who died after accidentally swallowing some chewing gum. Chewing gum still in the wrapper.

Stupid fucking canines.

“Poor Sid ate half a packet of chewing gum, last week and I had to rush him to the vet. There’s Xylitol – a sweetener – in gum, which is the dog equivalent of giving cyanide to humans. It causes their blood sugar to drop and shuts down liver functions. He’s fine now, but it was traumatic. The vet thinks, because he chewed it with the paper on, it didn’t go into his system as quickly as it could have, which saved his life.”

Last July, her puppy Woody died aged just 14 weeks old from unknown causes.

At the time, Kelly said:

“My life could not get any worse right now I come home to find my dog Woody is dead.”

So there you have it. Kelly Osbourne. Her house is like Auschwitz for dogs.

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You’d think that Sharon Osbourne was unshockable wouldn’t you? After all, she’s willingly had intercourse with Ozzy Osbourne, probably with the lights on too. She’s also stared at her own surgically enhanced face in the mirror, while wearing no make-up. She lets her dogs shit in the house.

However, it seems Sharon is a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to accidental porn.

Now, that’s not to say she’s discovered a new niche of bongo films, where people get off with each other while in a train wreck (it’s only a matter of time before that takes off), but rather, her cheery daughter, Kelly, has revealed that Sharon was left agog after someone accidentally sent some smut to her mobile.

That’s right! Terrible atrocities may well be going on around the world and despotic leaders cling to power with their bloody nails scraping down palatial walls, but Sharon Osbourne has had porn sent to her phone by a complete stranger!

Kelly spluttered that her oddly-faced mother contacted her in a massive panic after she opened up a message, which displayed material that was Rated X.

Kelly tweeted:

“My mum just told me the funniest story. someone thinks they are texting a friend named sam but they are accidentally texting my mum porn! My mum is like ‘i dont want anyone thinking i like looking at dirty horrible things like that!’ she is freaking out its so funny!”

Amazing, given that she’s probably had to do some dirty horrible things in her life, seeing as she worked in rock ‘n’ roll with various members of Black Sabbath before finding a TV career.

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Kelly Osbourne, a girl who has more hang-ups than a gallows convention, is shouting her mouth off again in the hope that it makes her appear like she’s one of those Z clicking independent wimmin who won’t be taking no grief from no-one. OKAY?

However, she’s not being all feminist, rather, she’s saying that Hollywood only has two types of people. Charmingly, the two kinds of souls there are fall into either the bitch category, or under the umbrella of ‘slut’.

And with that, she’s confessed that she’d rather be a bitch than a slut. That’s the charm we’ve come to expect from a girl who has yet to work out her purpose in the world whilst taking it out on everyone else.

Of course, being a nasty, loudmouth git isn’t ever simply an exercise in meanery. Rather, like those who start sentences with “I’m not being funny, right…”, it is an exercise in ‘standing up for yourself’.

And that’s exactly what Kelly Osbourne is telling herself when she brands other women ‘sluts’.

“This is something that my mom taught me when we’re growing up in the industry and I don’t know how to word this, but you’re either a slut or a bitch, and I would rather be a bitch.”

“I have this thing ever since I was a kid, like, if I don’t like someone, I just don’t like them.”

That’ll explain why our Kelly is so popular then.

But alas, the person Kelly hates more than anyone else is Kelly Osbourne.

That’s right. She’s been wishing she were dead.

“I woke up one day and I couldn’t believe that I was hoping that if I took a bit more that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. And that’s what really scared me. I was just like I can’t believe I have become this person.

Sadly for us bitches and sluts, Kelly has decided to sort herself out with a spot of rehab. She can only hope that the people who work there don’t have the same ‘if I don’t like you, there’s nothing I can do about it’ attitude as her, eh readers?

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Kelly Osbourne, who has found out the hard way that you can lose loads of weight but alas, it doesn’t make your massive skull any smaller, is a woman scorned. Her ex, a model called Luke Worrall, cheated on her over Christmas and it all went tits-up.

However, the rags were thrilled about the whole thing because there was a twist in the tale! Worrall cheated on Osbourne with Elle Schneider who, GET THIS, was once a man called Reynaldo Gonzalez!

IMAGINE THAT?!

Of course, the subtext with any story involving someone who is transgender is “Ho ho ho! Aren’t some people weird?! Do we call them ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘it’? WHAT A DAFT WORLD WE LIVE IN! HO HO HO!”, which is about as subtle and pleasant as finding a spent condom in your coat pocket.

Alas, the real odd piece of this celebrity jigsaw is that here, we have two women who are bonding over the fact they’ve shagged the same person who cheated on the more famous one of the two.

Elle said:

“I spoke to Kelly about two days ago. Every time we talk on the phone, it will be for 40 minutes to an hour . Kelly contacted me on 25 December.”

“She had read Luke’s private messages to me on his twitter page and wanted to let me know he had been lying to me, just like he had lied to her.”

Elle, who is undergoing treatment for… well… what do you think, cretins? first met Luke at a New York nightclub and the both ended up having sex in a hotel. So far, so normal one-night-stand.

Luke, who may well be something of a love-rat, wasn’t fussed when Elle told him she was a transsexual and actually seemed more interested in her because of it. Even if it was only a curiosity fuck, that’s quite commendable.

Elle says:

“I was open with Luke, I told him I was born a boy. He didn’t mind. In fact it turned him on more. He told me I was beautiful. It was only when I took my clothes off that hew saw I had a penis. He wasn’t fazed by it ‘ he was very complimentary.”

Alas, Ms Osbourne isn’t so complimentary about ol’ Luke, stating that she only feels disgust for him.

Elle adds:

“From the moment I met him he was telling me he loved me and wanted us to get married. At the same time he was professing his love to me, he was doing the same to Kelly. I think the way he has treated her is terrible. The way Luke lives his life is completely toxic.”

If you can’t recall what Kelly said, it went a little something like this:

‘@Luke_worrall is the biggest piece of s**t he has been trying to get back w/ me I only came home for Xmas to see him meanwhile he has been f***ing 100′s of girls as well as men behind my back all he did was use me all girls beware of…

@Luke_worral he is a using ****! He used me for my money and a free ride he is lucky I am not spilling the hole truth about what he did ! [sic]‘

So there you have it. Make your own stupid minds up about it all.

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Poor old Kelly Osbourne. After years of being chided for her masculine features – her strong jaw, wrestler’s shoulders and mouth like a inebriated docker – she’s finally managed to slim down to a rough approximation of femininity and find a lovely Aryan man-child to become her fiancé, only to get cheated on with a man.

Well, an ex-man, to be precise. Nearly. She still has a penis, and is pre-op. So it’s really a technically either way.

Anyway, sod it, we’re going to use the feminine pronoun for the rest of this and you can all fight it out in the comments or use your rage as an excuse to wrestle with that sex doll of indeterminate gender and species you have in the cupboard. You know, the one you’ve named after your mum.

Now, you might have to pay attention in this story, because all of the participants are almost identical-looking fake-blonde twenty somethings, one of whom is a girl but was born a man, one is a girl but used to look like a boy and one is a boy who looks a bit like a girl. Frankly, this article is becoming difficult to write as there’s a strong presence of an erection as we type.

Anyway, the facts are these: you may remember that Kelly Osbourne got the bestest Christmas a girl could get, and found out that her husband-to-be had been away banging a girl in New York. Turns out that Elle Schneider, the girl in question, was born a man, with man-bits and everything. How disgusting. Obviously, it’s only Kelly Osbourne and that, but cheating on your fiancé? How disgustingly shit.

The Mirror girds its gender-neutral loins and reports:

It was only when I took my clothes off he saw I had a penis. He wasn’t fazed by it – he was very complimentary. He was drunk. He stayed the night and did not leave my hotel room until 11am the next day. Back then, I had no idea he was engaged. He repeatedly insisted he was single.

And that was over a year ago. Since then, they’ve been using Skype for video-sex (no idea either. But then again we’re not even sure how ‘regular’ sex works, so best not to ask us. Send prostitutes instead). It was only after she came over to see him DJ (oh, so apparently he’s a DJ. Huh, that’s a piece of information we’re going to have to forget) and hooked up with her again that Kelly got suspicious. In an ending worthy of a made for TV movie (in the unlikely even that they commission one about a blonde knob-headed DJ and his transatlantic, transgendered hookups) the two women:

…started chatting and swapping stories via Facebook and Twitter and soon realised he had been stringing them both along.

Girl power! Or something. Anyway, it’s a mostly happy ending. Apart from Elle being publicly outed, Luke will hopefully never DJ or appear in the public consciousness again and best of all, it’ll almost definitely be another few years before there is any more Osbourne added to the gene pool!

Hurrah!

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Kelly Osbourne has learned that, once you lose loads of weight, it is much easier for nasty sorts to get through your ribcage and cause you heartache. It’s a good thing that festive food and drink is an excellent substitute for feelings.

That’s because our Kelly has had a turbulent end to 2010, resulting in a rather sweary rant on twitter (yes, we’re astonished as well).

Osbourne went off on one like a mad-thing against her now former fiance Luke Worrall, who we’ve never heard of either. All we know is that he looks like a cross between Spike from Buffy and a ten year old Aryan posterboy.

This is how it all unfolded.

Osbourne kicked things off in a vague, emo manner, tweeting:

“Just found something out that has hurt my feelings so bad and christmas was going so well.”

Then, over a series of tweets, she added:

“What do you do when someone lies in the darkest way and you try to tell the person that was lied to but they don’t believe you? I think the best part of this situation is that I have been painted out to be the crazy one when all I did was tell the honest to God truth.”

Sounds like a case of ‘I’m not being funny or anything, but…’. Still, Kelly wasn’t prepared to languish in cryptic vaguery, returning to that famous potty gob of hers, offering up some splendid ‘night time language’.

“Luke Worrall is the biggest piece of s**, he has been trying to get back with me, I only came home for Xmas to see him. Meanwhile, he has been f***ing hundreds of girls…behind my back.”

She wasn’t done there either, continuing:

“All he did was use me. All girls, beware of @Luke_worral he is a using C***! He used me for my money and a free ride. He is lucky I am not spilling the whole truth about what he did!”

“He is the worst thing that ever happened to me,”

“I don’t give a f*** what happens to him anymore…I am and always will be too good for him…Darling, your pretty face will only get you so far because you don’t have the brains to back it up.”

The truth about what he did? How intriguing! We can only assume that ‘the truth’ means that he used to nick the odd quid out of her purse to buy 20 Regal King Size/20 Luckies (depending on what country they were in, of course).

“Don’t think I have ever felt so stupid. He made a fool of me.”

We find that had to believe. C’mon now. Kelly Osbourne constantly looks like she’s in a state of dumbness and was probably born into a wicker basket marked ‘Fool’. Still, she’s all heartbroken and we’re poking fun at her. That isn’t fair is it?

Well it wasn’t fair on us when we had to listen to those wretched records you released some years ago.

Anyway, we’ll be getting a break from sweary Kelly as she’s…

“off Twitter for a while. never felt like this in my life.”

We’ll start cutting ourselves in solidarity Kel.

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You have to like the sound of your own voice if you work in radio. It’s the nature of the job isn’t it? However, some DJs like the sound of their own voices so much that you can convince yourself that they don’t play a single record during a broadcast, preferring instead, to endlessly dribble on about themselves into the mic, later to pass it off with a mixture of faux self deprecation and gakky self confidence.

Of course, we’re talking about the gruesome twosome that is Chris Evans and Chris Moyles. The pair locked egos recently after Moyles decided to have a whine about not being paid on time.

And hilariously, since then, both DJs have lost a shedful of listeners!So what happens when you start having temper tantrums live on-air and confess to not being ‘a morning person’, despite hosting a show that is broadcast very early in the day? Well, it looks like you shed more than half a million listeners.

Jesus on crutches! That’s a lot of people!

According to the latest ratings from Rajar (Radio Joint Audience Research) 7.1 million weekly listeners tuned in to his show compared to 7.7 million people the previous quarter. Of course, 7.1 million listeners is still a helluva lot of people tuning in, but if Moyles continues to lose that level of listeners, then it could end up with the DJ performing his morning gripery down a string joined up by tin cans.

And Chris Evans, who chipped in and started slagging off Moyles saying ‘it’s time for him to leave’, can’t crow about anything either. Basically, since all this happened, he’s lost all the extra listeners he attracted after taking over Terry Wogan’s morning show.

This means that predictably, commercial stations will start sniffing around the pair and offer them huge pay packets, which will ensure that neither of them learn a thing from this babyish pettiness that they’ve been displaying lately.

And what of 6 Music that is apparently all that’s good about radio? Well, figures show that still, hardly anyone is listening to the bloody thing.

If the BBC want to lose and alienate all their listeners, they really should hire hecklerspray! We’ll rid them of millions of viewers in a heartbeat!

That’s the idea right?

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Elton John is good value for money because he’s an outspoken old bitch. Over the years, he’s glammed up his work with a variety of outlandish outfits and even more unbelievable wigs. And now, he’s making ridiculous claims about pop music.

This is despite the fact he did a duet with insipid boy-bland, Blue.

In his attack on the music industry, he said that today’s songwriters were “awful” and warned that television talent shows failed to produce any genuine stars. Weird he should say that when The X Factor is primarily a television show as opposed to a breeding ground for musical talent. It’s a bit like slagging someone off for buying, say, Watford FC and moaning about the fact they don’t produce decent footballers.

Sir Elton has claims that singers expect instant fame and are not able to deal with the demands of the industry. God forbid anyone should enter the shark pit of the music business and go a bit mental, like, for instance, spending £1.5million per month on piss-all, hoovering up huge amounts of cocaine in a private jet and going on a 2 year bender with John Lennon and Harry Nilsson.

Of course, Elton John wants to point out that he had a hard paper round before he hit big, pointing out that artists need to experience “hard graft” if they were to make it in the long term.

Sir Elton also slated musicians for not writing their own material.

“It’s important they write their own songs, so they’re not at the mercy of anyone. Songwriters today are pretty awful, which is why everything sounds the same. Contemporary pop isn’t very inspiring.”

That’s coming from a man who has all his lyrics written for him by Bernie Taupin and has done covers of songs by The Beatles and The Who.

Of course, this imagined terrible state of pop music is thanks to the music industry’s reliance on shows like The X Factor and Britain’s Got Talent.

“I’m not a fan of talent shows. I probably wouldn’t have lasted if I’d gone on one. It’s become boring .?.?. brain crippling. I like Simon Cowell but what he does is TV entertainment.

“There have been some good acts but the only way to sustain a career is to pay your dues in small clubs. I was in a band at 17, became a songwriter with Bernie Taupin and wasn’t successful until we’d had six years of hard graft and disappointment, as well as great times.”

Elton added:

“TV vaults you to superstardom and then you have to back it up, which is hard. Leona Lewis and Alexandra Burke are at the mercy of the next song they can get.”

Yeah. We all long for a golden period of pop again. Like the ’60s perhaps, when 99% of the acts on Motown didn’t write their own songs and provided us with some of the most fun records in the history of everything, ever. Or maybe we could all hark back to that stretch from 1964 to 1976 when every single band was basing their music on 12 bar blues in an appalling state of formula.

We miss those good ol’ days, right?

Of course, no-one could ever accuse Elton John of being formulaic. Listen to tracks like ‘Tiny Dancer’, ‘Rocket Man’, ‘Levon’, ‘Candle In The Wind’ and that bollocks he did for The Lion King, and there’s not much between them. If we were to use the same broad brush-strokes as Elton, then we could simply dismiss his back catalogue as ‘a bunch of ballads played on the piano’.

Elton John (real name Ricardo Montalban) does like to pick on pop music though and he’s got previous with The X Factor.

A couple of years ago he described it as a “cruise ship show” as well as saying that he’d rather be attacked by an alsatian than tune in. That’s not to say he didn’t enjoy the increase in sales when acts on the show performed his songs, which he personally gave the green light to.

We’re in the middle of a period where rock music is utterly devoid of life and pop music is just about the only genre that’s working at the moment. Give us Lady GaGa, Beyonce, Katy Perry and Girls Aloud over the dubious, hamfisted talents of an ageing piano player without a decent tune to his name since the ’70s.

THANKS.

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Chris Moyles is a figure that seems to be wholly loathed by absolutely everyone on Earth… unless of course, you count his millions of listeners who think he’s really funny. When he’s not using homophobic insults and staring into his own navel, he’s complaining about not being paid on time.

Yep, he kicked up a stink because he hadn’t got his pay leaving everyone at home thinking, “but surely you’ve got enough in the bank to keep you going ’til it gets sorted? It’s not like you’re on £5 p/h now is it?”

Thanks to his little HR outburst, which he deemed interesting enough for us all to want to listen to, BBC Radio colleague Chris Evans (another gobshite) has stuck the boot in and suggested that Moyles ought to quit.

Evans has decided on behalf of no-one at all that fellow DJ Chris Moyles should slope off into the distance as

“It’s time for him to leave.”

At this point, we’ll just say that we’re legally obliged by media watchdogs to include the words ‘chubby’, ‘motormouth’ and ‘carrot top’ in this article. Keep an eye out for them.

Evans reckons that Moyles (who likes to eat carrot tops and the packaging from microwave meal in his chubby motormouth) should quit the corporation before he gets the sack.

Why? The former Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush presenter has lambasted Moyles for being too self-centred and too old. Irony or speaking from experience?

Evans used a guest slot on Five Live slate Moyles, saying:

“Chris has got to go somewhere else.”

“Why do you think you have the right to hijack a BBC microphone to make that complaint?”

“I think he’ll go to commercial radio, he’ll get a massive pay packet, and I think he’ll do very well.”

It seems Evans’ problem is that… well, apart from the obvious professional jealousy which is as see-through as wet rice paper, he thinks that Moyles shouldn’t be turning the show into a daily soap opera about himself.

Evans said:

“When you use yourself as your own research, you are going to dig a well that is going to go dry one day. I think that’s happened to Chris.”

Nice to see employers of the BBC turning on each other like this though. No honestly, it is. The BBC is always irritatingly professional so we should thrill at this little spat.

If anyone is listening, we’d like to see Huw Edwards calling Alastair Stewart a ‘melon headed prick’ and Bruce Forsyth offering Louis Walsh out for a fight round the back of television centre.

Pwetty pwease.

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Chris Moyles polarises opinion doesn’t he? Some like his lack of stuffy BBCness, while other hate him for his inability to play a single record in any given hour. Others, meanwhile, don’t listen to his show and don’t really know who he is. Is that everyone covered? Good.

Anyway, yesterday, Moyles had a rant about his job. A job that, incidentally, he’s done for longer than anyone else ever (or something). He’s won awards for it as well. We know this because, every time anyone criticises his show, he’s on hand to let you know with a defensively smug quip.

So what’s he been ranting about? Of all things, he’s decided to moan about his pay.

Now, there’s been a lot of debate about how much Chris Moyles gets paid to host his Radio One breakfast show. Here at hecklerspray, we have a very trustworthy source (basically, someone who does the wages at The Beeb) and they assure us that Moyles is on £260billion pounds per week, which of course, is all paid for by the tax payer.

Which of course, makes his rant on-air all the more galling.

Radio One breakfast show DJ Chris Moyles has launched an on-air tirade against the BBC on Wednesday, claiming he had not been paid for two months.

He said:

“I’m very, very angry for being put into this position. I haven’t been paid since the end of July and no-one cares about it.”

He then added that he’d considered not turning up for work, saying:

“If they can’t be bothered, why should I bother?”

Of course, this will see the laziest of people leaping to their feet and shouting “YES! DON’T BOTHER! YOU TALKING STUPID TALKY MAN!” Naturally, this will prompt fans of Moyles to lazily respond with “IF YOU DON’T LIKE HIM, DON’T LISTEN TO HIM THEN!” which in turn will be met with everyone else sharpening spade handles to stab both parties with.

This leaves Chris Moyles in the middle of us all and his bizarre notion that we should all want to listen to a HR section on his show.

Another ‘source’ has implied that Moyles may want to make this a regular feature on the show called ‘Chicken PAYEback’ where he discusses safety in the workplace and what to do if you need a rebate if you’ve been on emergency tax for too long (which will inevitably be referred to as ‘well gay’).

Until then, he’s got some fast talking to do.

And so, this morning, Moyles said he was…

“Hello to all the new listeners who are tuned in, all the journalists who have tuned in to hear me losing me mind.”

“We have been dealing with this payment issue since last week. I was upset. When I say upset, I was not crying, more frustrated than anything. I just thought, I’ve had enough of this. It’s peeing me off, it’s a complication I don’t necessarily need in my life at the moment.

“Quite occasionally, once in a blue moon, I can be a tad moody first thing in the morning, that was it. I had a rant about the fact I haven’t been paid; everything I said yesterday I stand by, that shouldn’t happen.”

The punchline of the story is a particularly thrilling one. Basically, his boss sent him a text saying that his wage was sorted and Moyles replied with one that said “thank you”. Thrilling stuff eh? You can see why we’re reporting it on this pages. It’s obvious you couldn’t live without the brilliant PAYE joke earlier. We’re worth our weight in gold aren’t we?

If you want to listen to Moyles’ rant, click here. The BBC are sharing it with everyone like someone writing on a toilet wall about someone being a crap shag.

Anyway, feel free to call Chris Moyles’ names in the comments.

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David Letterman couldn’t keep his old chap in his trousers around various interns and got blackmailed about it and it was all very unpleasant. However, cheating on your wife is nothing compared to the damage done to American thinking by Fox News and a chap called Andrew Breitbart who recently were on the receiving end of a rather sweary and fiery diatribe from the talk-show host.

In a show that saw Letterman interviewing Rachel Maddow (who is, for the record, a really splendid human) on the Late Show, they got round to discussion important stuff. Of course, hecklerspray doesn’t normally cover The Big Issues, but these issues have swear words in them, so we’re cool.

Over the jump is a video of Letterman uncharacteristically swearing and getting very political and, to be perfectly frank, it makes for some very, very good television.

Unless you work for Fox or are a frightened white conservative.

In the segment, whilst railing against political bias or whatnot, Letterman spits:

“How much time was wasted by this asshole fucking around?”

This “asshole” is Andrew Breitbart who is paid to get news coverage and edit it in such a way that it says the complete opposite of what it intended.

Watch this video and find out more.

There are plenty of reasons to hate television advertising. The very fact that six Hoxton-finned bastards in two grand suits get paid six-figure salaries to ‘touch base’ and talk about the best way to con you out of your pocket money should be enough.

Stylistically, the most common reason that you’d hate an ad at the moment is probably that the ‘creatives’ have cynically designed it as a thirty second blast of brain-shredding torture which instantly lobotomises you. The kind of Clockwork Orangesque propaganda that leaves your brain wiped of reason, emotion and love and replaced with a jingle.

Or a catchphrase from a fucking meerkat. You know who we’re talking about: GoCompare, We Buy Any Car (dot com!), Compare The Market, that sort of guff.

At the other end of the irritability scale are the adverts of high pretension. You’ve got Nicole Kidman or Scarlett Johansson or Josh Hartnett… and they’re prancing around at a movie premiere on Jupiter, flashing you their bums and shooting diamonds out of their eyes. In the background there’s some ridiculously fashionable Parisian dub-jazz that you should’ve heard before, but you haven’t because you’re not as cool as Nicole Kidman or Scarlett Johansson or Josh Hartnett. You can’t really relate to any of that lot as you watch from your bedsit in Egham, can you?

But perhaps the biggest offenders in Badvertising are those adverts squarely in the middle. The dull ones. Ads that respect you. They’re set in the real world. They know about the problems YOU face day-to-day. They don’t need fancy talk, music or graphics; they’ve got that c*nt from My Family in them:

Well, at least the BT ads do anyway. A running narrative in an ad can be a nice device, like when Him Off Buffy and Trevor Eve’s Missus flirted over Nescafe Gold Blend during the late eighties. But when it’s That Ugly Twat From Love, Actually and Some Woman From Something Or Other It Might Have Been Spooks Or One Of Them Programmes drearily living their lives, it’s not quite as effective.

So ineffective in fact, that I actively avoid using any BT product or service for fear that I may turn into a massive, blonde, Robert Lindsay-bothering tool who doesn’t take his role as a step-father seriously enough and bases all his major life decisions around his landline fucking telephone bill.

And it’s been going on for five years now! On and on and on… The one where they get together, when the ex husband comes round, the dodgy haircut one, when he goes to Cornwall, nightmares about expensive broadband, watching the telly at his mate’s house, blah blah blah blah blah…

Think about it; which is more insulting – The Crazy Frog or a telecommunications-based soap starring Kris Marshall?

At least The Crazy Frog can look at himself in the mirror.*

* He can’t really, he’s a fictional, animated frog.

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